I think my partner is asexual but I'm madly in love with them and don't know what to do :(

[Ana C]

Hello everyone! Hope you are doing well.

I will not bore you with the the story of our relationship. Basically what me and my girlfriend thought was an incompatibility in libidos might be her asexuality. We only reached this conclusion yesterday after 4 years of our relationship. (We are both female)

I am a very sexual person, so if you had told me a few years ago that I would be  considering a relationship with an asexual person I would say you were insane. 

The fact is I think she is the love of my life, everything else in the relationship is perfect, but once again, I am very sexual and I'm afraid abstaining from sex might cause me to resent her, making me more irritable and treating her badly.

All the cards are on the table right now, we have talked about an open relationship, ending our relationship, doing sexual stuff if she is not in the mood, but I  have a very big problem with this last one. I have read asexual people can have sex and do it to make their partner happy, but thinking of doing this with my girlfriend feels like rape to me. 

I'm also afraid having an open relationship would make me fearful that she would say it's fine but would feel hurt.

 

Basically  I want to hear about your experiences in alo-ace relationships and especially alo-ace relationships that involve sex. I'm just really lost right now, I don't wanna hurt her in anyway  and definitely don't want to break up. Any advice on how to navigate this?

 

p.s.:English is not my first language so sorry if something is spelled incorrectly

[uhtred]

You will probably not like my response but its an honest one.  I love my wife very much and we have been marred for >30 years, She is near asexual and there is no middle ground of sexual activity that makes us both happy.  The problem never goes away - its a cloud that hangs over the relationship.   I frequently, almost constantly,  feel undesired, unloved - feel like I'm in a sort of "pretend" romance,   I expect she feels constantly pressured (even if I don't say anything), inadequate - she knows I'm unhappy but she can't really fix it.

 

My advice is to have a long *honest* talk with her.  True honesty is critical: In some cases "sex" means something very different to people and there are a broad set of things both enjoy, just some specific things need to be avoided.  In other cases asexuals are not happy with any form of sexual intimacy.

 

On the other side, for some sexual people sex is just a "fun" thing to do - and open relationship might satisfy it, or in some cases porn and taking matters into one's own hands.  For other people sex is intimately tied to feelings of romance and love, and without it the relationship feels like a sham. 

 

For some people, even though they are asexual, the idea of their partner being sexual with someone else is deeply disturbing.  For others its completely fine.   I have seen though that open relationships do not work for most couples.  Not a moral judgement, just observations from friends and online discussions. 

 

None of the above behaviors and desires are "wrong" in any way, but compatibility is essential. 

 

I suggest you find out if there is a level of sexual activities that will make BOTH of you happy.  Happy - not "barely tolerated".   If you both want that can include an open relationship or whatever happens to work for you.  But if there is no common ground that makes you both happy, then I believe you are not doing either of you a favor by staying together. 

 

What I will say is that for me, its a problem that does not go away after decades. 

 

Its an extremely difficult situation to be in.  I wish the existence of asexuality was taught much earlier - I didn't even know it existed until a few years ago 

 

(feel free to PM)

[Gryphoenix]

Following. In a similar situation. Unfortunately, due to some trauma in her past, she is not comfortable performing any sexual actions on my (e.g. MB) so that makes it a bit more challenging. 

[DeadPlantRevived]

I'm a woman who's been in a 15yr relationship with an asexual man. We did not know about that when we married due to a religious tradition that prohibited sex before marriage. I relate to your struggle of feeling "madly in love" with your partner, but having this one thing that is frustratingly just not there. I tried for many years to be okay in this relationship, but this year I finally decided to end it. I finally realized how utterly emotionally devastating it has been to me to be in a long term relationship with someone who cannot love me in a physical way. It has crushed my self-esteem and made me feel very dead and used up in a way, like a plant that was never watered. To me it feels like the lack of physical connection means emotional intimacy as I desire it can never be truly reached. I thought that maybe my sex drive would decrease after having kids, after reaching middle age... but no, I'm still just a very sexually unsatisfied woman who has a great life in a lot of other ways with a kind man who constantly rejects me and literally doesn't understand what it is that I'm seeking. Sometimes love is NOT enough to make the relationship last. Sometimes it is NOT healthy to be with someone, even if you deeply love and respect them and enjoy their company. Everyone is free to make their own decisions based on what is best for them and I'm not saying this is the only way, but for me and I believe a lot of sexual people out there, this is simply too big of a sacrifice and it ends up not being sustainable or healthy. Would you stay in a relationship with someone if your love was unrequited? Because that's what it feels like as the sexual partner: I love this person who can never truly love me back. I have thought about this for many years and considered ending the relationship even back in the first year of marriage. Now I'm finally ending it, but my advice to my younger self would have absolutely have been to leave as soon as possible when this type of incompatibility is identified. It has been difficult to end because I still love him deeply and we have children. Also, he doesn't want it to end since things are working out great for him in a sexless "romantic" relationship with me. It's a unique kind of grief different from other divorces. But I know it will eventually pass and then he will be able to live life in a way that is more natural for him and I will be able to live in a way that is more natural for me. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we just shouldn't be together. 

While you're in your consideration phase, here are a couple of other things to think about:

- Do you have any previous patterns or conditioning that causes you to excessively sacrifice yourself for others and ignore your needs? Why do you do that? (And by the way, having sexual needs is a normal thing for sexual people.)

- Why do you think repressing your sexual needs is an acceptable solution in your life?

- How will you feel if you "compromise" with your partner and they agree to go through the motions but they aren't enjoying it or seeking it out? Is that the kind of physical love you are comfortable receiving? You said it feels like rape. Yep, I tend to agree. In my own situation, my partner always claimed to enjoy it with his words, but I could feel his repulsion. It messed with my head a lot and made me feel very very gross. Once I told him we were never going to sleep together again, I felt tremendous relief. That was a huge clue that in retrospect, the occasional him forcing himself to try to be with me was a terrible idea. 

- How will it affect you to continue on this trajectory (whether not having sex or having sex elsewhere)? Not just this year but 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, 70yrs from now? Is it truly sustainable or are you just trying to avoid the short term pain of what's ultimately going to happen eventually? 

- How will it affect your partner to know that you are unsatisfied over the long term?

- Do you want to have children? Consider also that it gets even harder to separate if there are children, and more heartbreaking overall. 

 

Take care. Sending you hugs. 

[Ana C]

@DeadPlantRevived

Thank you so much for telling your story. I can't help but sobbing reading it and the questions you propose. I'm so sorry to hear how you felt all those years and how it hurt you. I hope you can heal from this.

I needed your words very much because they are exactly what I don't want to hear. Honestly I think I'm not strong enough to end it right now. I know you are probably right and I'm just delaying what is the most likely scenario. But choosing to break your own heart and someone else's is so hard. This is all so fresh. I will try everything to make it work before it ends. But i'll always have in mind the question you just proposed instead of denying the possibility.

 

Thank you

[Neffelie]

Hello there!

I'm an almost asexual woman, married, with a kid. I have realized that I'm asexual, just a few months ago.

My hubby is hyper-sexual.

...And I dropped the asexual bomb on him, 4 days ago...

So, like you, we are also in a really weird path these days.

 

I think we can help eachother, since I can give you input from my side and you can do the same for me, from your side.

 

What I can tell you is:

 

Quote

All the cards are on the table right now, we have talked about an open relationship, ending our relationship, doing sexual stuff if she is not in the mood, but I  have a very big problem with this last one. I have read asexual people can have sex and do it to make their partner happy, but thinking of doing this with my girlfriend feels like rape to me. 

I love my hubby with every fiber of my being. So, it's really not that bad having sex with him to please him. It might not be as pleasurable as it is for you sexuals, but it's really ok! Occasionally, it's even pleasant. 

We are with you because we love you! We KNOW you need sex and we have already made our peace with that. If we haven't, we would brake up! 

Since she doesn't want to break up with you and is open to suggestions, BELIEVE ME IT'S OK for her to have sex with you! Because it is YOU! 

 

Quote

I'm also afraid having an open relationship would make me fearful that she would say it's fine but would feel hurt.

I have also suggested to my hubby to open our relationship. He freaked out. I suppose for the same reasons you don't like the idea.

But, you have to understand that we do not persive sex the same way you sexuals do! It's really not a big deal for us, if you have a purely carnal relationship elsewhere.

What I told my hubby is "as long as it's ONLY carnal and you don't get an STD, I'm ok with it!" ... and I trully am! If his mind and heart belong ONLY to me, I don't care what his penis does (I'm being vulgar to make a point).

I would prefer not to know about it though... It's weird to know that right now, or yesterday, or earlier today my hubby was having sex with someone else. He has my blessings, but I don't want the details.

 

 

Quote

I'm just really lost right now, I don't wanna hurt her in anyway  and definitely don't want to break up. 

Chances are, she is also lost and confused too, right now.

She loves you and is afraid she might lose you.

I want to grow old with my hubby. I want to spend my last breath on earth, by his side. Just thinking about not being with him, breaks my heart.

He is on a bussiness trip this week and I'm back home crying my eyes out out of fear of what will happen.

I chose to tell him before the trip, to give him the time away from me, to think things through. 

We talk on the phone daily, many times during the day, and it's sooooo painful for me, trying to remain calm, giving him the time to realize what's happening.

Chances are, your girlfriend is going through the same thing.

So, for starters, I'd suggest you tell her how much you love her and how much you want to work this out. This will mean the world to her.

 

P.S. - I'm Greek, so english is also not my first language.  

 

[Traveler40]

4 hours ago, DeadPlantRevived said:

I'm a woman who's been in a 15yr relationship with an asexual man. We did not know about that when we married due to a religious tradition that prohibited sex before marriage. I relate to your struggle of feeling "madly in love" with your partner, but having this one thing that is frustratingly just not there. I tried for many years to be okay in this relationship, but this year I finally decided to end it. I finally realized how utterly emotionally devastating it has been to me to be in a long term relationship with someone who cannot love me in a physical way. It has crushed my self-esteem and made me feel very dead and used up in a way, like a plant that was never watered. To me it feels like the lack of physical connection means emotional intimacy as I desire it can never be truly reached. I thought that maybe my sex drive would decrease after having kids, after reaching middle age... but no, I'm still just a very sexually unsatisfied woman who has a great life in a lot of other ways with a kind man who constantly rejects me and literally doesn't understand what it is that I'm seeking. Sometimes love is NOT enough to make the relationship last. Sometimes it is NOT healthy to be with someone, even if you deeply love and respect them and enjoy their company. Everyone is free to make their own decisions based on what is best for them and I'm not saying this is the only way, but for me and I believe a lot of sexual people out there, this is simply too big of a sacrifice and it ends up not being sustainable or healthy. Would you stay in a relationship with someone if your love was unrequited? Because that's what it feels like as the sexual partner: I love this person who can never truly love me back. I have thought about this for many years and considered ending the relationship even back in the first year of marriage. Now I'm finally ending it, but my advice to my younger self would have absolutely have been to leave as soon as possible when this type of incompatibility is identified. It has been difficult to end because I still love him deeply and we have children. Also, he doesn't want it to end since things are working out great for him in a sexless "romantic" relationship with me. It's a unique kind of grief different from other divorces. But I know it will eventually pass and then he will be able to live life in a way that is more natural for him and I will be able to live in a way that is more natural for me. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we just shouldn't be together. 

While you're in your consideration phase, here are a couple of other things to think about:

- Do you have any previous patterns or conditioning that causes you to excessively sacrifice yourself for others and ignore your needs? Why do you do that? (And by the way, having sexual needs is a normal thing for sexual people.)

- Why do you think repressing your sexual needs is an acceptable solution in your life?

- How will you feel if you "compromise" with your partner and they agree to go through the motions but they aren't enjoying it or seeking it out? Is that the kind of physical love you are comfortable receiving? You said it feels like rape. Yep, I tend to agree. In my own situation, my partner always claimed to enjoy it with his words, but I could feel his repulsion. It messed with my head a lot and made me feel very very gross. Once I told him we were never going to sleep together again, I felt tremendous relief. That was a huge clue that in retrospect, the occasional him forcing himself to try to be with me was a terrible idea. 

- How will it affect you to continue on this trajectory (whether not having sex or having sex elsewhere)? Not just this year but 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, 70yrs from now? Is it truly sustainable or are you just trying to avoid the short term pain of what's ultimately going to happen eventually? 

- How will it affect your partner to know that you are unsatisfied over the long term?

- Do you want to have children? Consider also that it gets even harder to separate if there are children, and more heartbreaking overall. 

 

Take care. Sending you hugs. 

That is one of the best shares I’ve seen in a while. I’m glad you’re moving forward with such clarity. Thank you for sharing here as so many need to absorb that which you have said.

 

OP - It will never get better. Today is the best it will ever be. I’m sorry, and I understand you. It only gets harder to leave, so there’s that to consider as well. Try not to lose years.

 

When I was around 16 years old and visiting my Nona, we went next door for a cuppa. While there, I listened to the ladies talk about yet another neighbor. They couldn’t understand how she’d decided to leave the most amazing man either of them had ever met. He was kind, generous, smart, helped around the house and generally doted on his wife. It came out in the explanation that he simply didn’t like sex, but she’d found a new man who did. The new guy didn’t cook, clean, help or obviously care enough. He seemed rather useless and second rate to the gossiping neighbors. All he was good for was sex, and neither seemed to understand that importance. I recall how shocked they were over the leaving, pining wistfully for the one that got away, To them, the seemingly asexual man was both perfect and a dreamboat.
 

I think of that often these days. Honestly, no one understands who hasn’t lived it. It isn’t “just sex”, it’s base and foundational. Without it, or a happy compromise, the house is unstable. It will either eventually fall or you waste a lifetime in misery. Why choose pain? 
 

Anyhow, welcome and hopefully you find the answers and strength you need to work through this.

 

Edit: Uh, sorry for the abrupt ending. I’m swaying in a hammock listening to the wind and enjoying the crisp mountain air. My only excuse is being slightly sleepy after kayaking the morning away. AVEN - from anywhere apparently. Haha

[naturerhythms]

5 hours ago, DeadPlantRevived said:

How will you feel if you "compromise" with your partner and they agree to go through the motions but they aren't enjoying it or seeking it out? Is that the kind of physical love you are comfortable receiving? You said it feels like rape. Yep, I tend to agree. In my own situation, my partner always claimed to enjoy it with his words, but I could feel his repulsion. It messed with my head a lot and made me feel very very gross. Once I told him we were never going to sleep together again, I felt tremendous relief. That was a huge clue that in retrospect, the occasional him forcing himself to try to be with me was a terrible idea. 

This right here. Wow. I also want to thank you for giving such a powerful and candid voice to what I and seemingly many others have also experienced.

 

A few years back, when I first did some public writing on my related experiences, I realized that some of what we sexually motivated partners experience in sexually mismatched (but otherwise loving) relationships is so wrenching, so uncomfortable, so gut-felt and raw, that it can be difficult to express without upsetting some people.

 

In my case, I talked about how there is essentially a recovery process we often need to go through, and how we have to reclaim our sexuality, self, and even our sanity. (I toned down my original word selection after an orchestrated one-star review attack on my work, reflecting how challenging it can be to talk about this stuff candidly.) Mixed-orientation relationships can be emotionally brutal, sometimes ironically even more so when two people deeply care about each other, but have fundamental differences in how they experience and express love and affection. And as you and I both recognize, it's often neither partner's fault. As you noted, there are often societal factors that prevent us from being able to discover such differences earlier.

 

But the experience still really messes with your head, and also with your heart, sometimes in pretty major ways. I felt absolutely terrible when it became clear that my partner had "just gone along" with sex for a long time (I experienced an unusual blend of emotions including guilt, gratitude, and deep sadness), and it affected my ability to communicate with my next partner around sex. Unlike you, however, I was very fortunate that my partner "came out" before we moved further along with some big child-related decisions. I'm sorry to hear you're also needing to work through that.

 

Re: "It's a unique kind of grief different from other divorces. "

 

Yep. I attended a separation and divorce support group for quite a while, and realized there were some of differences.

 

Like @Traveler40, I hope that many people read this thread, as I agree that there's much important information here. As time goes on, with candid accounts such as yours, maybe it will become easier to accept and talk about some of these difficult truths that affect many.

[naturerhythms]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

When I was around 16 years old and visiting my Nona, we went next door for a cuppa. While there, I listened to the ladies talk about yet another neighbor. They couldn’t understand how she’d decided to leave the most amazing man either of them had ever met.

I really appreciate this story. I experienced some judgment from both a neighbor and a relative around this.

[Mountain House]

@Ana C, no rush.  The information is new and has catapulted you into a relationship transition you were not prepared for.  Your story is common around here and the feelings you are expressing here are common as well.  Feelings aren't fact.  (I too felt that I had raped my partner for years)  Take your time and design your relationships however you want.

 

@DeadPlantRevived, Thank you so much for sharing.  As @uhtredstated, "Its an extremely difficult situation to be in" and there is no one answer towards resolution.  To hear the stories of how people work through this is just beautiful.  The more sharing the better.  I just know your story will help someone work towards a more fulfilled life.

 

@Neffelie, I am thrilled that you are here and I see that you want to keep your relationship with your husband.  I want that for your too so please understand that I am presenting this with respect and love in my heart.  The rest of my post is for you.

 

I don't know your husband or his perspective of your situation.  What I am about to write is a totally biased opinion but I felt a perspective that may help you.  So, I am projecting me and my emotional psyche into the role of your husband, you'll have to have conversations with him to see where he is.  I'll make comments in [brackets] when they are from the real me and keep in mind that these are just opinions from some random internet dude.

 

18 hours ago, Neffelie said:

It might not be as pleasurable as it is for you sexuals, but it's really ok! Occasionally, it's even pleasant. 

This is a spear to heart.  It tells me you don't understand what sex is to me (it's not just pleasure) and that, despite being okay with it, it is something you do out of duty.  Emotionally, you've missed what it is to be me.

 

[I don't expect you to understand this at this point actually.  I suspect you are just getting to understand yourself.  The point made here is going to be really hard for you; it will be easier for your husband to get to an understanding of your asexuality then it will be for you to understand this because you just don't have this experience.]

 

18 hours ago, Neffelie said:

I have also suggested to my hubby to open our relationship. ... "as long as it's ONLY carnal ... If his mind and heart belong ONLY to me ... I would prefer not to know about it though...

You do not understand what sex is to me.  I cannot have a sexual relationship and not "catch feels" to some extent.  The "feels" are part of how sex works for me.

 

[I appreciate what you are suggesting here.  It even makes sense given that I have a feel for where you are in your journey.  You need to back out of this.  You need to do some real research in the forms of ethical/consensual non-monogamy and how they work.  Sure, you may be okay with non-monogamy but your husband may prefer monogamy.  Then what?  For me sex is not transactional; it's, as @Traveler40described once, a dance of souls.  (probably one of the most poetic descriptions I have read)  If I do have a sexual relationship with another person then I will, to some degree, become emotionally attached.  You aren't ready to go here.]

 

[Just my opinion, shared with love.]

[uhtred]

I think one of the most fundamental disconnects is that sex means completely different things to different people.

 

For some its just a physical act that brings pleasure. For those people, open relationships,  ONS,  hiring sex workers, etc. are all possibilities - limited only by practical concerns like safety, disease, legality etc.

 

For others sex is an inseparable part of feelings of romance and love. To them having sex with a sex worker is no more appealing than having a romantic dinner with a complete stranger you will never see again.  For then an open realationship wo

 

For yet others there is some of both. Sometimes sex is a fun activity but not meaningful, but its also necessary in order to feel love. This can be especially confusing to partners because the "fun" part may include various kinks etc that don't feel "romantic" but there is also a desire for romantic sex. 

 

For yet others its being desired that matters more than the sex itself.  For them being told "I don't really mind sex so let me know when you want it" sounds almost exactly like "I don't actually love you, but I'm OK being roommates".  Its said with the best of intentions, but is completely crushing. 

 

Of course on the other side, for some asexuals, sex is a horrible thing that they want to avoid at all costs.  For others is OK, not really different form giving someone a backrub. For yet others its sort of fun, but they can do without if there is something more interesting to do. 

 

Its all so difficult and results in so much misery

[Rich and her]

23 hours ago, uhtred said:

You will probably not like my response but its an honest one.  I love my wife very much and we have been marred for >30 years, She is near asexual and there is no middle ground of sexual activity that makes us both happy.  The problem never goes away - its a cloud that hangs over the relationship.   I frequently, almost constantly,  feel undesired, unloved - feel like I'm in a sort of "pretend" romance,   I expect she feels constantly pressured (even if I don't say anything), inadequate - she knows I'm unhappy but she can't really fix it.

 

My advice is to have a long *honest* talk with her.  True honesty is critical: In some cases "sex" means something very different to people and there are a broad set of things both enjoy, just some specific things need to be avoided.  In other cases asexuals are not happy with any form of sexual intimacy.

 

On the other side, for some sexual people sex is just a "fun" thing to do - and open relationship might satisfy it, or in some cases porn and taking matters into one's own hands.  For other people sex is intimately tied to feelings of romance and love, and without it the relationship feels like a sham. 

 

For some people, even though they are asexual, the idea of their partner being sexual with someone else is deeply disturbing.  For others its completely fine.   I have seen though that open relationships do not work for most couples.  Not a moral judgement, just observations from friends and online discussions. 

 

None of the above behaviors and desires are "wrong" in any way, but compatibility is essential. 

 

I suggest you find out if there is a level of sexual activities that will make BOTH of you happy.  Happy - not "barely tolerated".   If you both want that can include an open relationship or whatever happens to work for you.  But if there is no common ground that makes you both happy, then I believe you are not doing either of you a favor by staying together. 

 

What I will say is that for me, its a problem that does not go away after decades. 

 

Its an extremely difficult situation to be in.  I wish the existence of asexuality was taught much earlier - I didn't even know it existed until a few years ago 

 

(feel free to PM)

"You will probably not like my response but its an honest one.  I love my wife very much and we have been marred for >30 years, She is near asexual and there is no middle ground of sexual activity that makes us both happy.  The problem never goes away - its a cloud that hangs over the relationship.   I frequently, almost constantly,  feel undesired, unloved - feel like I'm in a sort of "pretend" romance,   I expect she feels constantly pressured (even if I don't say anything), inadequate - she knows I'm unhappy but she can't really fix it.

 

My advice is to have a long *honest* talk with her.  True honesty is critical: In some cases "sex" means something very different to people and there are a broad set of things both enjoy, just some specific things need to be avoided.  In other cases asexuals are not happy with any form of sexual intimacy."

 

Word for word how it feels!!!!!

Yes, yes, yes! Almost 17 years of marriage...3 kids.... and just found out about my Asexual/GreySexual wife. Open and honest communication. 

[Rich and her]

21 hours ago, DeadPlantRevived said:

I'm a woman who's been in a 15yr relationship with an asexual man. We did not know about that when we married due to a religious tradition that prohibited sex before marriage. I relate to your struggle of feeling "madly in love" with your partner, but having this one thing that is frustratingly just not there. I tried for many years to be okay in this relationship, but this year I finally decided to end it. I finally realized how utterly emotionally devastating it has been to me to be in a long term relationship with someone who cannot love me in a physical way. It has crushed my self-esteem and made me feel very dead and used up in a way, like a plant that was never watered. To me it feels like the lack of physical connection means emotional intimacy as I desire it can never be truly reached. I thought that maybe my sex drive would decrease after having kids, after reaching middle age... but no, I'm still just a very sexually unsatisfied woman who has a great life in a lot of other ways with a kind man who constantly rejects me and literally doesn't understand what it is that I'm seeking. Sometimes love is NOT enough to make the relationship last. Sometimes it is NOT healthy to be with someone, even if you deeply love and respect them and enjoy their company. Everyone is free to make their own decisions based on what is best for them and I'm not saying this is the only way, but for me and I believe a lot of sexual people out there, this is simply too big of a sacrifice and it ends up not being sustainable or healthy. Would you stay in a relationship with someone if your love was unrequited? Because that's what it feels like as the sexual partner: I love this person who can never truly love me back. I have thought about this for many years and considered ending the relationship even back in the first year of marriage. Now I'm finally ending it, but my advice to my younger self would have absolutely have been to leave as soon as possible when this type of incompatibility is identified. It has been difficult to end because I still love him deeply and we have children. Also, he doesn't want it to end since things are working out great for him in a sexless "romantic" relationship with me. It's a unique kind of grief different from other divorces. But I know it will eventually pass and then he will be able to live life in a way that is more natural for him and I will be able to live in a way that is more natural for me. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we just shouldn't be together. 

While you're in your consideration phase, here are a couple of other things to think about:

- Do you have any previous patterns or conditioning that causes you to excessively sacrifice yourself for others and ignore your needs? Why do you do that? (And by the way, having sexual needs is a normal thing for sexual people.)

- Why do you think repressing your sexual needs is an acceptable solution in your life?

- How will you feel if you "compromise" with your partner and they agree to go through the motions but they aren't enjoying it or seeking it out? Is that the kind of physical love you are comfortable receiving? You said it feels like rape. Yep, I tend to agree. In my own situation, my partner always claimed to enjoy it with his words, but I could feel his repulsion. It messed with my head a lot and made me feel very very gross. Once I told him we were never going to sleep together again, I felt tremendous relief. That was a huge clue that in retrospect, the occasional him forcing himself to try to be with me was a terrible idea. 

- How will it affect you to continue on this trajectory (whether not having sex or having sex elsewhere)? Not just this year but 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, 70yrs from now? Is it truly sustainable or are you just trying to avoid the short term pain of what's ultimately going to happen eventually? 

- How will it affect your partner to know that you are unsatisfied over the long term?

- Do you want to have children? Consider also that it gets even harder to separate if there are children, and more heartbreaking overall. 

 

Take care. Sending you hugs. 

I feel for you so much here. I hear my own thoughts as I read your writings. Contemplating the same options myself at the moment. Almost 17 years married and 3 kids. Working at finding common ground and compromises that may work...but unsure if there are any.

[Neffelie]

@Mountain House thank you so much for your input! It does help! 

I really want to work things out with my hubby, so I'll try to be more considered on his point of view.

 

Regarding sex with him, I'm just trying to make him understand that it is pleasurable for me, in a very dif level. An emotional one. I really love making him happy! How can I expain this to him, in a way that he will understand that it's beautiful to me and he should also be happy and not feeling like I'm putting "a spear in his heart" ?! 

Edited July 1, 2021 by Neffelie

[Mountain House]

3 hours ago, Neffelie said:

How can I expain this to him, in a way that he will understand that it's beautiful to me and he should also be happy and not feeling like I'm putting "a spear in his heart" ?! 

That is a great question.  Start with asking him.  And the spear thing - remember, that was me projected into the role of your husband, it may not affect him the same.

 

 

[Neffelie]

1 hour ago, Mountain House said:

That is a great question.  Start with asking him.  And the spear thing - remember, that was me projected into the role of your husband, it may not affect him the same.

 

 

Thank you

And I'm pretty sure he felt the same way you projected.

[uhtred]

4 hours ago, Neffelie said:

@Mountain House thank you so much for your input! It does help! 

I really want to work things out with my hubby, so I'll try to be more considered on his point of view.

 

Regarding sex with him, I'm just trying to make him understand that it is pleasurable for me, in a very dif level. An emotional one. I really love making him happy! How can I expain this to him, in a way that he will understand that it's beautiful to me and he should also be happy and not feeling like I'm putting "a spear in his heart" ?! 

Be honest - and recognize that your and his feelings about sex may or many not be compatible. He may be OK with sex being a loving favor to him, like many favors done in a romantic relationship.  Or he may really need desire - which is something you cannot give him. 

 

Neither of you should feel guilty about how you feel - but by being open / honest you can see if you can be happy together without one of you living a lie

 

[Neffelie]

43 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Be honest - and recognize that your and his feelings about sex may or many not be compatible. He may be OK with sex being a loving favor to him, like many favors done in a romantic relationship.  Or he may really need desire - which is something you cannot give him. 

 

Neither of you should feel guilty about how you feel - but by being open / honest you can see if you can be happy together without one of you living a lie

 

Thank you!!! 🌹

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, Neffelie said:

And I'm pretty sure he felt the same way you projected.

You should introduce him to this site.

[Carah Maisie]

Thank you everyone for your comments here.  I'm in a similar situation, but in slow motion over the course of many years.  This has been very helpful.

[TurnedTurtle]

On 6/29/2021 at 4:34 PM, Neffelie said:

What I told my hubby is "as long as it's ONLY carnal and you don't get an STD, I'm ok with it!" ... and I trully am! If his mind and heart belong ONLY to me, I don't care what his penis does (I'm being vulgar to make a point).

I would prefer not to know about it though... It's weird to know that right now, or yesterday, or earlier today my hubby was having sex with someone else. He has my blessings, but I don't want the details.

 

On 6/30/2021 at 11:44 AM, Mountain House said:

 

On 6/29/2021 at 4:34 PM, Neffelie said:

I have also suggested to my hubby to open our relationship. ... "as long as it's ONLY carnal ... If his mind and heart belong ONLY to me ... I would prefer not to know about it though...

You do not understand what sex is to me.  I cannot have a sexual relationship and not "catch feels" to some extent.  The "feels" are part of how sex works for me.

 

[I appreciate what you are suggesting here.  It even makes sense given that I have a feel for where you are in your journey.  You need to back out of this.  You need to do some real research in the forms of ethical/consensual non-monogamy and how they work.  Sure, you may be okay with non-monogamy but your husband may prefer monogamy.  Then what?  For me sex is not transactional; it's, as @Traveler40described once, a dance of souls.  (probably one of the most poetic descriptions I have read)  If I do have a sexual relationship with another person then I will, to some degree, become emotionally attached.  You aren't ready to go here.]

 

This is where I am at with my ace wife -- I asked if we could re-consider opening up, she said you keep bringing this up, you must really want it, so just go ahead (implied --she doesn't want to know about it). It's obviously not that simple, though -- I don't want to just "go ahead," I want to talk about it, to understand her perspective, fears and concerns; to build a mutual understanding of boundaries; to enhance our own relationship with each other....  She just doesn't want to talk about it.

[anisotrophic]

On 6/29/2021 at 1:34 PM, Neffelie said:

But, you have to understand that we do not persive sex the same way you sexuals do! It's really not a big deal for us, if you have a purely carnal relationship elsewhere.

What I told my hubby is "as long as it's ONLY carnal and you don't get an STD, I'm ok with it!" ... and I trully am! If his mind and heart belong ONLY to me, I don't care what his penis does (I'm being vulgar to make a point).

It is a problematic reductionism.

 

Especially when I see this attitude from women with heterosexual partners, it communicates a really problematic attitude towards sex — and not merely their own experience of it. And not merely the sexuality of their partners. But beyond: how they view the sexuality of anyone having sex with their partner.

 

I’m sorry, but it comes off as straight up objectifying these hypothetical women as sex objects. They’re people. They have emotions, aspirations, boundaries, concerns, attachments, insecurities — they can be hurt —

 

I’m sorry, it’s so callous towards these hypothetical women, it feels borderline misogynistic. I’m sure that’s not the intent, but please, remember these other hypothetical sexual partners deserve to be treated as human beings. Human beings that happen to experience sexual desire, and do not deserve to be reduced to being a “potential penile receptacle” as if that’s the only thing that matters about them. (Unless that’s their kink, right.)

[Traveler40]

6 hours ago, TurnedTurtle said:

 

 

This is where I am at with my ace wife -- I asked if we could re-consider opening up, she said you keep bringing this up, you must really want it, so just go ahead (implied --she doesn't want to know about it). It's obviously not that simple, though -- I don't want to just "go ahead," I want to talk about it, to understand her perspective, fears and concerns; to build a mutual understanding of boundaries; to enhance our own relationship with each other....  She just doesn't want to talk about it.

Your instincts are correct as you know.

 

My go to phrase (learned on AVEN)  when I need my husband to talk about difficult topics he’d rather avoid is “you never owed me sex, but you do owe me communication!” When I say this, he will generally try harder. 
 

That plea carries weight and power given targeted usage across time. It’s only said when it’s very important, but in those times he seems to hear my need and will participate.
 

Keep trying…

[Mountain House]

53 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

It is a problematic reductionism.

I do agree with you.

 

But...

 

Consider that many asexual people have no experience equating sex with emotion.  It's like saying, "I don't want to play checkers with you.  Find another person to play checkers with."  How can a person get hurt if it's emotionless?

 

My wife gave me the same speech as @Neffelie's long ago.  We certainly were not ready for where we are today.

 

Understanding that real emotions are involved comes with understanding how sex works for some of us sexual people.

 

[Oh good, I can still edit.  I meant for there to be more]

  

53 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I’m sure that’s not the intent,

Me too.  But pointing this out is probably an eye opener and adds perspective!

 

 

32 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Keep trying…

Second.

[anisotrophic]

13 hours ago, Mountain House said:

It's like saying, "I don't want to play checkers with you.  Find another person to play checkers with."  How can a person get hurt if it's emotionless?

So uh… you attend a checker club I guess?
 

Or, let’s call it chess, I recall the regulars in the square. It’s a more intense sport.

 

Will you attend a local tournament together, give another a ride? Grab lunch together? Lend them a cool book about a chess champion that you read? Learn about a shared interest in brewing and pickling? Gift some spicy pickles you made? Text and ask what they’re up to this weekend, because you’re thinking about checking out the farmers market and maybe they’d like to join? Check in on them when you haven’t seen them at the club lately?

 

No, no, don’t become friends! don’t enjoy other things with them! don’t worry about them! don’t you dare catch “feelings” for other human beings! JUST CHESS. (I mean checkers.)

[Neffelie]

6 hours ago, TurnedTurtle said:

 

 

This is where I am at with my ace wife -- I asked if we could re-consider opening up, she said you keep bringing this up, you must really want it, so just go ahead (implied --she doesn't want to know about it). It's obviously not that simple, though -- I don't want to just "go ahead," I want to talk about it, to understand her perspective, fears and concerns; to build a mutual understanding of boundaries; to enhance our own relationship with each other....  She just doesn't want to talk about it.

I'm not your wife, but I think that she doesn't want to talk about it, because it's vey emotional for her.

Objectively speaking, we DO understand how irrational it seems to ask from your spouce/partner to go find sex elsewhere. We also do fear you might find more than just sex elsewhere and that scares the hell out of us. So, we have to balance your need for sex with our frea of loosing you... That's not easy.

Again, I'm just speaking from my point of view and the point of view other semi-asexuals see. She might not feel the same way. 

 

 

5 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I’m sorry, it’s so callous towards these hypothetical women, it feels borderline misogynistic. I’m sure that’s not the intent, but please, remember these other hypothetical sexual partners deserve to be treated as human beings. Human beings that happen to experience sexual desire, and do not deserve to be reduced to being a “potential penile receptacle” as if that’s the only thing that matters about them. (Unless that’s their kink, right.)

Almost all my heteroxexual female friends have gone through phases where they only cared about carnal sex. One-night-stands. "Penis alone" phases. Usually after bad brake-ups (other reasons have been valid too though). 

These phases last from 6 months to a couple of years, and during this time you could say that they where persiving men as "just a piece of meat".

So, I think it's not that uncommon and as long as both parties see it the same way, I don't think it's a bad thing. 

 

 

 

4 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Consider that many asexual people have no experience equating sex with emotion.  It's like saying, "I don't want to play checkers with you.  Find another person to play checkers with."  How can a person get hurt if it's emotionless?

 

My wife gave me the same speech as @Neffelie's long ago.  We certainly were not ready for where we are today.

 

Understanding that real emotions are involved comes with understanding how sex works for some of us sexual people.

Yes! Perfect example the checkers thing!! 

[Mountain House]

10 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

So uh…

😄  I'm pick'n up what you're put'n down...  

 

6 hours ago, Neffelie said:

We also do fear you might find more than just sex elsewhere and that scares the hell out of us.

Understandable.  If I were your husband you need to not fear that I will find more than sex but know that I will find more than sex.

If you decide to open your marriage then you'll need to confront this fear.  By yourself.  And when you determine what you need from your husband to help you dissolve that fear you'll have to communicate those needs to your husband.  You have needs too, this isn't just about him.

 

The quick and dirty - you are a unique person valued by your husband for the uniqueness that is you and you hold a unique place in his life.

 

6 hours ago, Neffelie said:

where they only cared about carnal sex.

There is certainly a percentage of humanity that do this.  It's the Tinder business model after all.  I suspect, though, that the majority of sexual people that end up here aren't this.  Sure, it sounds like it could be fun and I can imagine myself having a bit of fun playing sex but this could not fill the void I need filled to be fulfilled.  What I need is more than pleasure and more than bumping uglies - it's an emotional melding that I can feel.

 

6 hours ago, Neffelie said:

Yes! Perfect example the checkers thing!! 

 

I hope you are taking what @anisotrophic is saying seriously.  Opening a relationship involves real people and real emotions.  This was a big conversation in my relationship because this does not stuff back into the box.  Powerful forces are at play and they can do real damage.

[Nara]

So I've read this and want ti say something about the "feels like rape" part. 

I'm asexual and in a relationship with my allo boyfriend. We have sex and I enjoy it very much. For me, it's not the sexual part that is important, but I see it as a more intimate cuddling. I'm a very touchy person and showing my affection through body contact is super important for me. I don't need sex for that, but my partner needs it and it brings me joy to be near him even if I could totally live without sex. I don't feel forced to have sex with him, even when he is the only one to bring it up (I just don't think about it). When I don't want, I just say no. 

I think it is most important to talk about this openly and to be honest with yourself, what you actually need. An asexual person can not give you the feeling to be desired in a sexual way, but they can give you everything else if you both are open to it. I desire my boyfriend, I want to touch him, kiss him, be near him and build my life around him. I do not desire sex, but I gladly make him feel good and love him my own way. 

 

I know it is very difficult and different for every person, but maybe you can find a way to experience something similar. 

 

Kind Regards 

[Sally]

On 7/1/2021 at 3:06 AM, Neffelie said:

 How can I expain this to him, in a way that he will understand that it's beautiful to me and he should also be happy and not feeling like I'm putting "a spear in his heart" ?! 

You really cannot make someone understand that they "should be happy." That is THEIR feeling, not something that can be mandated by another person.  What most sexuals miss is the reciprocity in the act, i.e., the other person wanting sex as much as the sexual does.   If that is missing, they will feel as though the act isn't complete.  That's the essence of a mismatched sex relationship, and you can't wish it away.  

[goldfish101]

On 6/29/2021 at 12:42 PM, DeadPlantRevived said:

I'm a woman who's been in a 15yr relationship with an asexual man. We did not know about that when we married due to a religious tradition that prohibited sex before marriage. I relate to your struggle of feeling "madly in love" with your partner, but having this one thing that is frustratingly just not there. I tried for many years to be okay in this relationship, but this year I finally decided to end it. I finally realized how utterly emotionally devastating it has been to me to be in a long term relationship with someone who cannot love me in a physical way. It has crushed my self-esteem and made me feel very dead and used up in a way, like a plant that was never watered. To me it feels like the lack of physical connection means emotional intimacy as I desire it can never be truly reached. I thought that maybe my sex drive would decrease after having kids, after reaching middle age... but no, I'm still just a very sexually unsatisfied woman who has a great life in a lot of other ways with a kind man who constantly rejects me and literally doesn't understand what it is that I'm seeking. Sometimes love is NOT enough to make the relationship last. Sometimes it is NOT healthy to be with someone, even if you deeply love and respect them and enjoy their company. Everyone is free to make their own decisions based on what is best for them and I'm not saying this is the only way, but for me and I believe a lot of sexual people out there, this is simply too big of a sacrifice and it ends up not being sustainable or healthy. Would you stay in a relationship with someone if your love was unrequited? Because that's what it feels like as the sexual partner: I love this person who can never truly love me back. I have thought about this for many years and considered ending the relationship even back in the first year of marriage. Now I'm finally ending it, but my advice to my younger self would have absolutely have been to leave as soon as possible when this type of incompatibility is identified. It has been difficult to end because I still love him deeply and we have children. Also, he doesn't want it to end since things are working out great for him in a sexless "romantic" relationship with me. It's a unique kind of grief different from other divorces. But I know it will eventually pass and then he will be able to live life in a way that is more natural for him and I will be able to live in a way that is more natural for me. There is nothing wrong with either of us, we just shouldn't be together. 

While you're in your consideration phase, here are a couple of other things to think about:

- Do you have any previous patterns or conditioning that causes you to excessively sacrifice yourself for others and ignore your needs? Why do you do that? (And by the way, having sexual needs is a normal thing for sexual people.)

- Why do you think repressing your sexual needs is an acceptable solution in your life?

- How will you feel if you "compromise" with your partner and they agree to go through the motions but they aren't enjoying it or seeking it out? Is that the kind of physical love you are comfortable receiving? You said it feels like rape. Yep, I tend to agree. In my own situation, my partner always claimed to enjoy it with his words, but I could feel his repulsion. It messed with my head a lot and made me feel very very gross. Once I told him we were never going to sleep together again, I felt tremendous relief. That was a huge clue that in retrospect, the occasional him forcing himself to try to be with me was a terrible idea. 

- How will it affect you to continue on this trajectory (whether not having sex or having sex elsewhere)? Not just this year but 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, 70yrs from now? Is it truly sustainable or are you just trying to avoid the short term pain of what's ultimately going to happen eventually? 

- How will it affect your partner to know that you are unsatisfied over the long term?

- Do you want to have children? Consider also that it gets even harder to separate if there are children, and more heartbreaking overall. 

 

Take care. Sending you hugs. 

 

Hi, Can I talk to you personally outside of this forum? This is my EXACT situation and I am convinced my fiance is asexual but she's telling she doesnt want to have sex before marriage because of religious reasons (we're muslim). However, she is not very religious so it doesnt make sense.

 

A few months into out relationship she said she wanted to stop any forms of intercourse altogether. Shortly after that, we stopped flirting altogether and literally it just feels like we're friends. She said it was for religious reasons, but she's actually become less religious since then. It's been this way for 4 years now. She also does not allow me to watch porn. I am so sexually repressed it's not even funny. As you can imagine, I resent her but I somehow contain it when I'm around her.

 

Every time she sees a sex scene in a show or movie she is repulsed. I haven't felt sexually desired by her in years, since the very beginning of our relationship, and even then it felt forced but I just thought she was shy. She always says she can never understand our hypersexualized society and the comments she makes aren't really things that are said by people with a normal sexuality. Anytime I try to bring this up to her she just gets frustrated and "accuses me of only caring about sex" and when I can finally get her to talk about it, she gives very shallow assurances and says that "we'll just have to find out if we're sexually compatible when we're married."

 

I just dont want to go through the heartbreak of getting married and then finding this out. It already eats me up inside. Additionally, I dont come from a rich family. My family and I are about to drop $60k+ when it's all said and done for me to get married. We can barely afford this. I do not want to put myself and my family through financial hardship just for this experiment. Can we please speak?