Asexual Women Musings

[coolshades]

1 hour ago, Ryoko said:

Great thread! I just spent the morning reading it and I relate to sooo many of the posts here.

 

I'm the type that enjoys her solitude, so I don't have that many personal interactions to be a an issue. But at work... ugh. I get reminded that people think about sex a lot when I get groped or someone makes a sexual comment at me.

 

Then I find out, here and there, that people talk about who they think I'm sleeping with. It's work, people, why would anyone sleep with a coworker, at all? But apparently people do.

Whaaaat?!  Have you reported this?  This is sexual assault and harassment.  And it could be happening to other women at your workplace too.

[Ryoko]

28 minutes ago, coolshades said:

Whaaaat?!  Have you reported this?  This is sexual assault and harassment.  And it could be happening to other women at your workplace too.

I stopped reporting it after I realized that they don't do anything about it. It's unfortunately common where I work. We even had a repeat offender promoted into a management role. I love my job, but that is the one thing I would like to see change.

[coolshades]

4 hours ago, Ryoko said:

I stopped reporting it after I realized that they don't do anything about it. It's unfortunately common where I work. We even had a repeat offender promoted into a management role. I love my job, but that is the one thing I would like to see change.

Have you reported it to the police?  Although that would probably mean you'd lose your job.  But at least this behavior would stop.

[Ryoko]

13 minutes ago, coolshades said:

Have you reported it to the police?  Although that would probably mean you'd lose your job.  But at least this behavior would stop.

You are very kind for caring.

 

I haven't gone to the police, and I don't expect much good would come from it even if I did. I don't have proof, and I don't even know most of their names. There was one who accidentally admitted to it, it went to HR, and he is still employed. This is too good of a job (it's my career, not just a job) so I'm not going to jeopardize it. But hoping that things will change someday. 😔

[coolshades]

3 hours ago, Ryoko said:

You are very kind for caring.

 

I haven't gone to the police, and I don't expect much good would come from it even if I did. I don't have proof, and I don't even know most of their names. There was one who accidentally admitted to it, it went to HR, and he is still employed. This is too good of a job (it's my career, not just a job) so I'm not going to jeopardize it. But hoping that things will change someday. 😔

I hope so too. 🤗

[Aloney]

In regards to the conversation about dancing, I guess it depends on what kind of dance you're referring to. If you mean grinding at a night club or slow dancing with someone, yes, pretty sexual, but then again, not sure if it completely qualifies as... dancing..? :'D It's a completely different story if you're referring to performing polonaise with a partner or doing a solo capoeira xD Generally, I suppose paired dances can, depending on the dance, be uncomfortably close if you don't know the other person well, but I also think dancing is just a really fun way to exercise, although I don't currently do so myself. I have taken lindy hop classes a couple years back and that was really fun! :D (Also lindy hop in particular feels like a nice open minded dance to me, since from its invention same sex pairings have been a completely normal thing in it, and the classes I went to made you decide on the registration slip if you preferred to be the lead or be led, it was a choise not involving your gender which was nice :D ...Also learned I suck at being led, I automatically want to lead and subconsciously refuse to listen to cues from the other person... Oops xD)

[Guest]

On 8/5/2021 at 12:53 PM, Aloney said:

In regards to the conversation about dancing, I guess it depends on what kind of dance you're referring to. If you mean grinding at a night club or slow dancing with someone, yes, pretty sexual, but then again, not sure if it completely qualifies as... dancing..? :'D It's a completely different story if you're referring to performing polonaise with a partner or doing a solo capoeira xD Generally, I suppose paired dances can, depending on the dance, be uncomfortably close if you don't know the other person well, but I also think dancing is just a really fun way to exercise, although I don't currently do so myself. I have taken lindy hop classes a couple years back and that was really fun! (Also lindy hop in particular feels like a nice open minded dance to me, since from its invention same sex pairings have been a completely normal thing in it, and the classes I went to made you decide on the registration slip if you preferred to be the lead or be led, it was a choise not involving your gender which was nice ...Also learned I suck at being led, I automatically want to lead and subconsciously refuse to listen to cues from the other person... Oops xD)

Lindy hop looks fun! I’m not sure I would have the natural coordination for it, but I’ve always fancied giving it a go. I hadn’t really thought about how gendered a lot of partnered dancing is, and it’s positive to hear that classes are broadening their pairing options. I agree that the style of dance may influence how you feel about it. Some dances / settings can feel a bit sexualised in the same way that some conversations can be laden with sexual innuendo. I guess it’s about trying different things and finding what works for you  

[Cee Fox]

I'm not very good at dancing but I enjoy it and want to start practicing to get better at it. Funny enough, I like sexy dances or rather dances that tend to be sexualised. I love watching pole dancers, I love watching sexy dances and I wish I could twerk lol. My mind kind of distances the sexual intent from it and admires the skill and athleticism. I'm not that comfortable with dancing with someone else though, so I guess that is my limit. But yeah, if I can go out and swing my hips without other people getting the wrong idea about it (i.e. wanting to join in or touch me or something) then I'm very happy. Then again I really don't dance much with other people around.

[DarkStormyKnight]

Love this conversation on dancing! So I'm a dancer as well, primarily ballet but also jazz and tap and anything else I can take a lesson on. I've honestly struggled a lot with my relationship to dance in the past because so often you'll get an audition or a choreographer where a primary part of the dance/combo is how sexy you can make it look. And that's great for some people, plenty of others (including asexuals) like to express themselves that way. But I don't. I can't tell you the number of auditions I was doing fine in until the group said that "the most important part was coming up" and that was just walking sexy across the floor. I'd try to interpret it in an ace-friendly way, maybe just feeling myself and feeling good, but that's never what people want to see from a "sexy walk."

Bleh sorry about the rant. I just wish that there was more room in the dance world for people to dance without being sexual. I get that it's a physical activity and esp if it's with a partner it can lean towards that but. I don't want to do that.

[skay]

I've never really thought about why I don't like dancing...I don't think of it as a sexualised thing but I'm basically completely averse to it. If a friend ever tries to get me on the dancefloor I just refuse point blank, though I'll dance if it's a special occasion (like a wedding or a birthday party).

 

As a kid the only dancing I did was Scottish Highland Dancing - absolutely impossible to sexualise it. Maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much when I generally dislike dancing!

[Cowgirl_Kat]

I love this conversation about dancing. I was a dancer for 12 years 1st through 12th grade. Most of us were minors so my dancer instructor made sure to keep our costumes appropriate and the songs reasonable. I specialized in lyrical, but also performed jazz, tap, & a hip hop piece or two. I remember as a teen, the other girls would go with more love type songs, some had sexual allusions, but weren't explicit. They loved it. I generally chose lyrical solo pieces that were more about self discovery/loving yourself, that sort of thing. Although I remember doing a trio piece to Womanizer, but I found that really fun. Most of the lyrics probably went over my head at the time. Lol

[Earthbound_misfit]

I very very much dislike being told, "Everyone likes sex"

 

After saying, "I don't like sex" 

 

🤦🏼‍♀️ 

 

[Earthbound_misfit]

On 8/1/2021 at 11:21 AM, Ryoko said:

Great thread! I just spent the morning reading it and I relate to sooo many of the posts here.

 

I'm the type that enjoys her solitude, so I don't have that many personal interactions to be a an issue. But at work... ugh. I get reminded that people think about sex a lot when I get groped or someone makes a sexual comment at me.

 

Then I find out, here and there, that people talk about who they think I'm sleeping with. It's work, people, why would anyone sleep with a coworker, at all? But apparently people do.

Ohhh I feel this in my soul. I an so sorry you have to deal with this kind of behavior. I sure hope something changes. But, I relate to this because unfortunately, this is how I felt when I was in middle school (2000), rumors were always circulating about me doing sexual stuff with guys, when I had not even kissed a person nor wanted to at this time in my life. One time I had a fellow classmate try to put his hands on me when I was wearing overalls, he said, "I shouldnt make it so easy" & that, "I want it", when I in fact did not and kept trying to run away from him and told him multiple times to stop. The school told me there was nothing they could do, apparently I would be at fault as well for flirting (which by no means was I flirting, I was trying to flee and protect myself). 

It really sucks to be in these situations, especially in a place you have to be, so I am hoping with all my heart that things change for you, in a positive way. 

[weird elf]

48 minutes ago, Earthbound_misfit said:

Ohhh I feel this in my soul. I an so sorry you have to deal with this kind of behavior. I sure hope something changes. But, I relate to this because unfortunately, this is how I felt when I was in middle school (2000), rumors were always circulating about me doing sexual stuff with guys, when I had not even kissed a person nor wanted to at this time in my life. One time I had a fellow classmate try to put his hands on me when I was wearing overalls, he said, "I shouldnt make it so easy" & that, "I want it", when I in fact did not and kept trying to run away from him and told him multiple times to stop. The school told me there was nothing they could do, apparently I would be at fault as well for flirting (which by no means was I flirting, I was trying to flee and protect myself). 

It really sucks to be in these situations, especially in a place you have to be, so I am hoping with all my heart that things change for you, in a positive way. 

Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. People can be so gross.

[Guest]

On 8/2/2021 at 12:53 AM, Ryoko said:

You are very kind for caring.

 

I haven't gone to the police, and I don't expect much good would come from it even if I did. I don't have proof, and I don't even know most of their names. There was one who accidentally admitted to it, it went to HR, and he is still employed. This is too good of a job (it's my career, not just a job) so I'm not going to jeopardize it. But hoping that things will change someday. 😔

I'm rather appalled at this whole situation, and so sorry you work in an environment as toxic as this Ryoko!

 

Not sure how it works in the USA, but in the Netherlands if you report things like this either at your job or with the police, it can be done in total confidence and no one will know your name if you don't want it known. We have special integrity commissions (mandatory in all companies) for exactly this reason. Even if nothing comes out of it now, when more people report this it might change things down the road. One person's accusations don't weigh much without proof, but dozens of them will.

 

That's not to say you need to choose this hill to die on, like you said you like your job and it might be at risk if you take more action. I wish you all the best in whatever path you take ❤️.

[JaclynA]

Anyone else here play Just Dance on the Switch? I'm not a trained dancer by any means, nor am I good at it, but I LOVE this game because it does feel like real dancing and I get to learn all the moves just by copying. And since it is a family friendly game, there isn't much that is overtly sexual. It is so fun! 

[Koriander]

I can't dance. maybe in a cringe way but lets just say i physically can't.

[Koriander]

On 6/21/2021 at 1:41 PM, Sweet Flowers said:

Anyone else just not get how breasts are seen as sexual? I think I found out they are later than most people, so for a while I was confused as to why guys seemed so obsessed with them and I thought it was so weird. I also didn't get why we have to cover our chest and guys don't and I was too embarrassed to ask anyone. Even after I found out, I was still confused. Like, stop obsessing over my chest. They're just body parts.

reverse mood but as a trans person who still has a D, please stop sexualising my useless bottom part. i don't want it there. it's never going to be used... yet i find myself and this unneeded disgusting thing, sexualised. idc if it is for cishets but nOT mine- 

meanwhile my uselessly tiny b-cups, nobody cares about bc they're not big enough to be sexualised, it's funny how i have them but nobody obsesses over them. is it the pathetic small size or somethin else?

[Dallas-]

I love to dance. I'm the girl who jumps on the table and closes the club down. Dancing is sexualized in reputation but not as much in practice. People make a point of being sexy with the way they dance, but it's more of an expression of power and joy than sexual expression.

 

I say this because I often dance at gay clubs, where I end up dirty dancing with gay men. Neither of us are sexually attracted to one another. But we'll have the most fun in the club showing off our pride, confidence and stamina as we enjoy letting loose with one another.

[coolshades]

12 hours ago, JaclynA said:

Anyone else here play Just Dance on the Switch? I'm not a trained dancer by any means, nor am I good at it, but I LOVE this game because it does feel like real dancing and I get to learn all the moves just by copying. And since it is a family friendly game, there isn't much that is overtly sexual. It is so fun! 

That's the only dancing I *will* do.  I play on the XBox using the kinect.  I play with my 11-year-old niece and we play on Sweat mode so I can keep track of the calories I have burned.  It's much better exercise than going on the treadmill.

[DarkStormyKnight]

Ahh I love dancing games! Just Dance is what I'm most familiar with, haven't played with the Kinect so much.

[Aloney]

4 minutes ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

Ahh I love dancing games! Just Dance is what I'm most familiar with, haven't played with the Kinect so much.

I really like it too, I just wish 90% of the songs weren't behind a paywall on a game I already bought... Then again, it's not a horribly expensive one for a lot of fun dances in return 🤔

[coolshades]

15 hours ago, Aloney said:

I really like it too, I just wish 90% of the songs weren't behind a paywall on a game I already bought... Then again, it's not a horribly expensive one for a lot of fun dances in return 🤔

My niece has Just Dance Unlimited and I do think it's worth the price.  You can dance to any song in the catalog so there are a lot of options.

[Cee Fox]

On 8/17/2021 at 8:52 PM, Earthbound_misfit said:

Ohhh I feel this in my soul. I an so sorry you have to deal with this kind of behavior. I sure hope something changes. But, I relate to this because unfortunately, this is how I felt when I was in middle school (2000), rumors were always circulating about me doing sexual stuff with guys, when I had not even kissed a person nor wanted to at this time in my life. One time I had a fellow classmate try to put his hands on me when I was wearing overalls, he said, "I shouldnt make it so easy" & that, "I want it", when I in fact did not and kept trying to run away from him and told him multiple times to stop. The school told me there was nothing they could do, apparently I would be at fault as well for flirting (which by no means was I flirting, I was trying to flee and protect myself). 

It really sucks to be in these situations, especially in a place you have to be, so I am hoping with all my heart that things change for you, in a positive way. 

It's asolutely horrendous how harrassment is normalised especially with kids because they're 'silly and hormone driven'. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm quite a lot younger but unfortunately not much has changed it seems.

 

 

On 8/10/2021 at 3:33 PM, DarkStormyKnight said:

I can't tell you the number of auditions I was doing fine in until the group said that "the most important part was coming up" and that was just walking sexy across the floor. I'd try to interpret it in an ace-friendly way, maybe just feeling myself and feeling good, but that's never what people want to see from a "sexy walk."

Bleh sorry about the rant. I just wish that there was more room in the dance world for people to dance without being sexual. I get that it's a physical activity and esp if it's with a partner it can lean towards that but. I don't want to do that.

Yeah it really is odd the fixation the dancing world has on sexiness (from an outside perspective) because it's so far distanced in my mind. Physical =/= sexy to me.

 

On 8/22/2021 at 4:54 PM, Koriander said:

reverse mood but as a trans person who still has a D, please stop sexualising my useless bottom part. i don't want it there. it's never going to be used... yet i find myself and this unneeded disgusting thing, sexualised. idc if it is for cishets but nOT mine- 

meanwhile my uselessly tiny b-cups, nobody cares about bc they're not big enough to be sexualised, it's funny how i have them but nobody obsesses over them. is it the pathetic small size or somethin else?

People are so strange sexualising strangers. I am pretty sure it is bigger boobs that get more sexualised and when you have small boobs they're seen as being quite juvenile (I think that's the word?). I have people comment on my boobs being small, especially since I'm black and that encompasses a certain stereotype. People will always find something to fixate on. Society loves making everyone feel uncomfortable🙃

 

On 8/22/2021 at 2:38 PM, JaclynA said:

Anyone else here play Just Dance on the Switch? I'm not a trained dancer by any means, nor am I good at it, but I LOVE this game because it does feel like real dancing and I get to learn all the moves just by copying. And since it is a family friendly game, there isn't much that is overtly sexual. It is so fun! 

I like watching dance tutorials on youtube lol. I'm also not a good dancer but it's still so much fun to learn that way.

[Cee Fox]

While on the topic of dancing and how sexualised it can be, being someone who likes watching dance competitions, I find it odd how young that sexualising begins. That is to say, I find it weird when young girls who are very limber and flexible are given choreography and costumes that feel inappropriate. I know it's so common as to not be commented on but I still think it's strange, especially when it's adults judging the competitions and I sometimes feel uncomfortable watching them.

 

Seeing as there are dancers in the thread, regardless of gender, I would like to know how you guys have felt about it if you were dancing since you were young. (I feel like I haven't articulated my thoughts that well.)

[Cowgirl_Kat]

On 8/31/2021 at 5:24 AM, Cee Fox said:

While on the topic of dancing and how sexualised it can be, being someone who likes watching dance competitions, I find it odd how young that sexualising begins. That is to say, I find it weird when young girls who are very limber and flexible are given choreography and costumes that feel inappropriate. I know it's so common as to not be commented on but I still think it's strange, especially when it's adults judging the competitions and I sometimes feel uncomfortable watching them.

 

Seeing as there are dancers in the thread, regardless of gender, I would like to know how you guys have felt about it if you were dancing since you were young. (I feel like I haven't articulated my thoughts that well.)

l danced on a recreational/intermediate (only practiced a few hours/week) level from 1st-12th grade, and started at regional competitions at age 10 or 11. At the level I danced at, overly sexual costumes were not common. My dance instructor was particularly careful with costumes & moves to make sure we weren't too exposed or moving in a sexual manner. I wasn't comfortable in two-piece costumes, so I never had one for any of my group, trio, duet, or solo pieces. Some of the other girls were more comfortable with a two pieces for their solos or small groups, but even those weren't really overly sexual with all of the important areas being well covered even when doing different turns or tumbling. 

 

At competitions, especially the girls from the big name city dance schools who were advanced or pre-professional level, tended to have more revealing costumes. I didn't really notice the sexuality of it at the time, being young & naive. I was less bothered by that than most of the girls looking like they were pant size 0-000 (US) (really tiny). I wasn't super big myself at a 2-4 (US), but felt big and out of place. IDK how the plus sized girls on my team must have felt. But I found that more troubling overall.

[_Lucie]

On 7/13/2016 at 5:59 AM, m4rble said:

On 7/13/2016 at 5:50 AM, WitchUnicorn said:

It's pretty funny watching people ask me whether or not I want to be in a relationship despite wearing an asexual pride outfit.

In a sexualised society, relationships and sex are pretty much mandatory and God help you if you don't want that. And being a female who doesn't want a relationship makes everyone think that you had an abusive boyfriend or you're a bloody nun.

Also as a female asexual, we also have the added bonus of MENSTRUATION! That's right, that godforsaken hellhole in which Lucifer provides a week-long blood thunderstorm in. It's hilarious because I, as an asexual, do not experience sexual attraction and am sex-repulsed, have almost no need of monthly torture.

I think the need for monthly torture has more to do with wanting children than wanting sex. Then again, being able to turn ovulation on and off would be a much better option even for those who want children.

I switched my periods off years ago - I had a Mirena IUD fitted. 

[Guest]

On 8/31/2021 at 5:17 AM, Cee Fox said:

I have people comment on my boobs being small, especially since I'm black and that encompasses a certain stereotype. People will always find something to fixate on. Society loves making everyone feel uncomfortable🙃

To be fair, it's only weird people that either like making people feel uncomfortable or don't realize they're making people feel uncomfortable with things like that. No one with any sense of boundaries would comment on that.

[Guest]

Spoiler

I'm going back on Femaprin until I can get on birth control to stop my periods. They mess with my life so much and lately because they've been more irregular they're even worse. I already feel bad mentally but my mental health takes a dive every time my period is about to start.

 

[Cee Fox]

On 9/5/2021 at 5:05 AM, Moon Spirit said:

  Hide contents

I'm going back on Femaprin until I can get on birth control to stop my periods. They mess with my life so much and lately because they've been more irregular they're even worse. I already feel bad mentally but my mental health takes a dive every time my period is about to start.

 

I've been going through the same thing. I thought it was just because I've been inconsistent with my meds, but no, my mental health just takes a nosedive the week before and it's been doing that for months.