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InLoveWithCats

Probably I'm just sensible but I'm literally crying reading this conversation. I've never felt most identified as a person in my life.

 

I'm an ace (or I think, I'm kinda new giving it a name), living in LATAM which fucking sucks, like we know the world pretty much is about sex and being a latina woman and not being interested was a source of stress. Here is not common so in the past, I've had to pretend or just been quiet about it. Now I'm more honest and confident but sometimes I feel like an island.

 

I'm still figuring out myself, but everyday is a new opportunity to do so.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Thujaplicata
On 2/13/2022 at 10:11 AM, SmolSharkPerson said:

As someone who is new to adulting and just wants friends, it's very hard to find someone to hang out with who isn't just trying to get into your pants. I've taken to telling people I meet upfront that I'm asexual and what it means so I'm not accused of being manipulative or taking advantage of them or whatever b.s. whining they do when they realize that, when I invited them over for tea and to hang out, that I was only inviting them over for tea and to hang out. I told them I was looking for a friend. I meant it. Now I'm the bad guy?

In the end, I don't want to be forever alone, but I don't find anyone "sexy" and have no interest in the whole sex thing, and it bothers me that the same dudes keep asking and can't believe that I want to hang out when I don't find them attractive. It's called being friends, dude. FRIENDS.

 

Okay so, that has been one of my greatest fears. In high school I straight up refused to talk to boys outside of class because I was terrified they might like me. At the end of highschool in an internship it turned out a guy some 6 or so years my senior (fine in general, not when you're 18) had been flirting and I hadn't noticed. (Another intern clued me in. Asked if liked him back and I was so blindsided by that.) I was just talking! Being nice! Having a friendly interaction! 

I spent so much time ranting about a society that treats friendliness as flirting after that. 

It doesn't help that I'm spectacularly oblivious to flirtation. 

 

And I have definitely used "I'm ace!!!" as a shield of sorts. Ward away interest preemptively. Even when I wasn't sure if I was ace I was announcing so on occasion. Which may have been a hint...

 

I'm just impressed you're still willing to try! I just avoided men in general. Short chats with a stranger, sure. Actual friend? Nope. Might expect something I won't give. I think I have one guy friend my age?

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On 3/4/2022 at 9:53 PM, Thujaplicata said:

In high school I straight up refused to talk to boys outside of class because I was terrified they might like me.

Yeah, I get that fear sometimes.

Most of my friends are guys, and my need for friendships outweighed my fear of being mistaken for being interested in them romantically. I just establish early on that I only see them as a friend.

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I have used a fake engagement ring a few times to put the "let's have sex" thing off. It is not a long term solution, though. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Prizm.salemic

Hey I have a question do any other asexuals have this weird disconect when it comes to sex, like my body will want it but my mind doesn't which leaves me feeling the same sensation as touching a bad texture only its inside my body, i asked my dad (who is also queer) and they said that sounds like a response to sexual abuse , which i havent been , why is this a thing I don't understand it 

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On 3/17/2022 at 9:00 AM, Prizm.salemic said:

Hey I have a question do any other asexuals have this weird disconect when it comes to sex, like my body will want it but my mind doesn't which leaves me feeling the same sensation as touching a bad texture only its inside my body, i asked my dad (who is also queer) and they said that sounds like a response to sexual abuse , which i havent been , why is this a thing I don't understand it 

I think I understand what you mean but I don't have a word for it. Sometimes my body wants a particular sexual activity but at the same time my brain really does not want that, and I always end up questioning what exactly I do or do not want. 

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On 3/17/2022 at 11:00 AM, Prizm.salemic said:

Hey I have a question do any other asexuals have this weird disconect when it comes to sex, like my body will want it but my mind doesn't which leaves me feeling the same sensation as touching a bad texture only its inside my body, i asked my dad (who is also queer) and they said that sounds like a response to sexual abuse , which i havent been , why is this a thing I don't understand it 

Oh I get this. In my case, it might be kind of a gender-thing? I absolutely cannot do anything... internal, or use my hands, or I get super turned off. So I have to get kinda creative with it... But considering these things, I'm still able to enjoy myself when my body decides it feels like that. Also remember, having another person involved in any capacity is not necessary in any way! :'D In my case it was just kind of a matter of exploring what felt okay and what was a definite no to me. But I do understand the feeling of your mind saying "geehhh nooo yuck" while your body feels the need, it can get very frustrating 😕

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DarkStormyKnight
On 3/17/2022 at 5:00 AM, Prizm.salemic said:

Hey I have a question do any other asexuals have this weird disconect when it comes to sex, like my body will want it but my mind doesn't which leaves me feeling the same sensation as touching a bad texture only its inside my body, i asked my dad (who is also queer) and they said that sounds like a response to sexual abuse , which i havent been , why is this a thing I don't understand it 

I think I get this partially, I feel like I have to be in the right headspace for anything sexual or just... nothing happens. That doesn't seem to be super uncommon, I know that the brain is considered a pretty powerful sex organ by people studying these pathways in the body and I highly doubt that it's always connected to sexual abuse.

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On 3/17/2022 at 2:00 AM, Prizm.salemic said:

Hey I have a question do any other asexuals have this weird disconect when it comes to sex, like my body will want it but my mind doesn't which leaves me feeling the same sensation as touching a bad texture only its inside my body, i asked my dad (who is also queer) and they said that sounds like a response to sexual abuse , which i havent been , why is this a thing I don't understand it 

Reminds me of aegosexual (correct me if I spelled that wrong), which is a disconnect from the object of the desire I think. Or it could just be libido, which is common for some aces.

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Menstruation is a bish. And I was reminded of sixth grade while reading through this thread. Getting your period was seen as a sort of "achievement" and an important step to adulthood. Some of the girls in my class couldn't wait. I was relatively early, in a lot of pain and had to stay home for a few days every month because of it. When I tried to express my struggles. Results: I was called a crybaby, told that I was "overreacting" and a liar (under the assumption that I just didn't feel like going to school) and also got told that I should be "grateful to know that [my] reproductive system works so that can bare children for [my] future husband". Like wtf?!

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23 hours ago, Phalena said:

Menstruation is a bish. And I was reminded of sixth grade while reading through this thread. Getting your period was seen as a sort of "achievement" and an important step to adulthood. Some of the girls in my class couldn't wait. I was relatively early, in a lot of pain and had to stay home for a few days every month because of it. When I tried to express my struggles. Results: I was called a crybaby, told that I was "overreacting" and a liar (under the assumption that I just didn't feel like going to school) and also got told that I should be "grateful to know that [my] reproductive system works so that can bare children for [my] future husband". Like wtf?!

Some people are crazy. Just, wow, mind blown.

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Wanted to quickly share a conversation I had with my husband last night. We have both known I am asexual for a few years and he’s ok with it but I dont think he really understands.  
 

We were watching Bridgerton and he said I would die if I lived in that time period. He meant because I’m a lot like Eloise and I would just hate it. I would have a hard time being proper. But even worse than that would be the expectations of marriage. So I relied, “yeah, cuz if I was forced into an arranged marriage I would kill myself.” 
 

H “But since it’s the norm wouldn’t you just go along with it cuz you wouldn’t know any different.”

 

M ”Well maybe I wouldn’t know what sex was like Daphne last season, but once I found out I would definitely kill myself. Especially after the shock of finding out the hard way. That would make it a lot worse. I can’t imagine men back then taking no for an answer.”

 

H ”But that’s just what would be expected. How would you know the difference?”

 

M ”Not knowing any different would not change how I feel! I would kick and scream! I would be in horror! How can you not understand that?! Never mind, you just don’t get it. “


😢

 

We do have a sex life although it’s rather sparse, so maybe he thinks I’m ok with it. But I’ve just gotten used to it over the years and I thought there was something wrong with me till I found out about asexuality. We’ve been married for 12 years but I’d be happier being celibate and I’m rather sex repulsed. 

 

 

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I don't really care about what someone else has to say about me. I haven't tell anyone about being asexual and all that stuff yet so people usually come to me and try to instigate the really weird sexual conversations with me (i can't differentiate between weird and sexual gossiping that much rigorously though but i can understand from the choice of words and other expressions of the person that they are going to say something that is inconvenient for me) but then i change the subject midways and don't give them the chance to continue the conversation further anymore.

I think prior to that of unearthing about asexuality and some other things about me, people must have tried to throw various sexual innuendos at me but i must have never acknowledged them and was a party popper for them which i think is much greater than how i deal with it now...i can't still guess some of the aspects of sexuality so most of the times i don't even pay attention to what has been said to me if the other person is someone i don't like or find troubling and there seems to be many people like that out there...

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Had a really positive experience today. I went into the local Aldi supermarket and at the checkout, the operator recognised my ace flag. I noticed his ace ring, ' click'.

Then he said ' it's great to see representation in the community'. Wish we could have chatted, but it was too busy. I'll look out for him again, when it's not busy.

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iguessmusicwasenough
On 4/16/2022 at 1:37 PM, Lilibulero said:

Had a really positive experience today. I went into the local Aldi supermarket and at the checkout, the operator recognised my ace flag. I noticed his ace ring, ' click'.

Then he said ' it's great to see representation in the community'. Wish we could have chatted, but it was too busy. I'll look out for him again, when it's not busy.

So cool! May I ask if you live in a large city? I don’t think I’ve ever seen any ace paraphernalia but I’ve mostly lived in 100-200,000 population areas.

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@iguessmusicwasenough, I live in a busy town, but I've lived in a rural area and found three aces, all together at the same time, quite by accident, and when I lived in another town on the other side of the country, I walked into a stationer's and found an ace in full regalia working there. 

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Lukendriss

I just feel like if I was to date or be in a relationship, there doesn't HAVE to be sex involved. It could be, but not a must. I feel like what about other things? Like, are u comfortable around the person? Do you do things together? Like, hobbies or go out and do stuff. And ya I believe you can have intimacy without sex.

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Last year a female security guard semi-coworker (diff department, but we interact/talk with security depending where we are) told me another security guard likes me. At the time I only really saw him for like an hour a week, but we talked a bunch when we were both able. Fast forward to recently - I now see him quite a bit more cause my jobs hours changed. I had a concert last week and he decided to tag along cause we both listen to rock/metal. Downside - the concert was canceled night of due to Covid of the main band (*insert crying face here*) and we were both already there. I felt bad cause he ubered there, so we went to get food and since he lived close to the venue, went to his place and just hung out. None of that hookup vibes, major bonus.
I don't have any rom/tertiary attractions to him and I hate it. I want to want. I want to see myself lying next to him and feeling that sensual attraction (I'm pretty much touch repulsed unless that attraction kicks in btw). I don't want to lead him on... I want that demi- switch to kick in.

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On 6/11/2022 at 12:28 AM, Naali said:

I don't have any rom/tertiary attractions to him and I hate it. I want to want. I want to see myself lying next to him and feeling that sensual attraction (I'm pretty much touch repulsed unless that attraction kicks in btw). I don't want to lead him on... I want that demi- switch to kick in.


The same exact thing happned to me this past weekend. Unfortunately I had to let him go because he really seemed like the kind of person that needed me to feel those things sooner and I would have needed a lot more time so I didn't want to lead him on. I wish I could wrap my head around how people are attracted to someone right from the start it's truly a mystery.  

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i wholeheartedly agree with sex positivity and i'm glad more women are taking control of their own sexuality, but now i feel like there is an immense pressure to either:

1. conform to being a sex object for the eyes of men, or

2. to aggressively become a sexual woman in an attempt to break free from 1., to feel more accepted into modern feminist circles

 

there's also a really interesting passage in the famous lesbian masterdoc that goes like this, focusing on compulsory heterosexuality:

 

"Women are taught from a very early age that making men happy is our job. We’re supposed to be pretty for men, we’re supposed to change the way we talk so men will take us more seriously, we’re supposed to want a man’s love more than anything else. Our magazines are full of sex tips on how to better please men, our movies are about how we’re supposed to fall in love with men. We literally cannot exist in public without men loudly grading us on how well we’re pleasing them visually."
"What happens if you’re not attracted to men at all? When you’re trained from childhood to see romantic/sexual relationships with men - and only men - as major life goals, how do you separate that from what you want?"
 
it's strange to think about how much of our identity is formed by gender roles and positions of power
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Elizabeth Bennet
On 6/15/2022 at 1:49 PM, lulula said:

i wholeheartedly agree with sex positivity and i'm glad more women are taking control of their own sexuality, but now i feel like there is an immense pressure to either:

1. conform to being a sex object for the eyes of men, or

2. to aggressively become a sexual woman in an attempt to break free from 1., to feel more accepted into modern feminist circles

This rings so true to me, the paradox of women sexual liberation of the second/third feminist wave is something that always gets me thinking.

Second wave women really scored the right to talk openly about sex and take ownership of their attitudes towards sex, and I'm very glad that's the case, but capitalism always strikes back, and later on the prominent discourse managed to convince women that selling their sexuality for the Public Eye (aka The Heterosexual Men™) was sexually liberating too.

So, nowadays you are free to be as sexually active as you please.

Unless that amounts to zero, in which case there's still something wrong with you because you are denying the patriarchy its right to own you.

 

Ugh I could go on for ages.

 

And don't get me wrong, I'm not judging any women that wants to display her body on social media because she's confident about it and feels great (hoorah for her!), or if she wants so be a little sensual because she feels like it. God knows I've done my share of sexy dance onstage because it was so much fun to do so with my dance crew.

It's the system that I'm against. The system that links your expression to an ownership, to a lifestyle, to a sentence.

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Two things suddenly hit me today. In my little cul de sac of 10 houses, I'm the only singleton.

And, when looking at changing some of the games on my phone, I suddenly noticed that I'm only interested in the sudoku/ card/ crossword games, not the bubbles/ teddy bears/ fictional settings ones.

 

On the first realisation, yes, of course, I'm aroace.

On the second realisation, is that because I'm aroace, or because I'm not ' girly', or is it just because I don't like bubbles/ teddy bears/ too much fiction, or - is it an age related thing?

 

I would say, ' answers on the back of a postcard' but it'd probably have to be a big postcard.

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On 6/23/2022 at 5:05 AM, Lilibulero said:

Two things suddenly hit me today. In my little cul de sac of 10 houses, I'm the only singleton.

And, when looking at changing some of the games on my phone, I suddenly noticed that I'm only interested in the sudoku/ card/ crossword games, not the bubbles/ teddy bears/ fictional settings ones.

 

On the first realisation, yes, of course, I'm aroace.

On the second realisation, is that because I'm aroace, or because I'm not ' girly', or is it just because I don't like bubbles/ teddy bears/ too much fiction, or - is it an age related thing?

 

I would say, ' answers on the back of a postcard' but it'd probably have to be a big postcard.

The two main games on my phone are Solitaire and Polytopia. I also have an RPG dice roll app for DnD.

Yes, very girly ....

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Elizabeth Bennet

Well, I can do pin curls and spend an hour curating my make up, but I've also been a hardcore F1 fan for years (to the point that my knowledge of racing landed me a job at some point).

Then again, I don't really believe in gender and gendered experience anymore, so...

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Anyone else finding it difficult to find sexual health care that you can trust not to judge you or even will understand the topic of asexuality. I’m more sex neutral but I know it would put my mind at ease if I went to a clinic to ask a professional an question. However, if I ask the question Ik they will just suggest it being just a anxiety thing, so I know mentioning my asexuality is a key factor to consider. I just don’t want to be dismissed because of it or told my sexuality isn’t real. Idk what to. Any other women facing the same dilema of feeling like we need more sexual health based organisations to focus on all types of sexuality not just one or two ? 

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Lukendriss

It's definitely hard to find someone who's on the same page as me. I just realized I'm Asexual last month. Pride month. I went to the events in my city and had alot of fun. I wish Pride was a twice a year event. That'd be awesome. As a heterosexual Asexual woman, I know how hard it is to find someone decent. Someone who doesn't expect you to give it up within a month or 2 of dating. For me, I'd have to be with the person for a year. Maybe a year and somewhat months before I go all the way. It could even be more than that but that's how I feel. For me, intimacy isn't really sex. It might not be at all. I never know. 

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Elizabeth Bennet
On 6/30/2022 at 2:48 AM, 01ch18 said:

Anyone else finding it difficult to find sexual health care that you can trust not to judge you or even will understand the topic of asexuality. I’m more sex neutral but I know it would put my mind at ease if I went to a clinic to ask a professional an question. However, if I ask the question Ik they will just suggest it being just a anxiety thing, so I know mentioning my asexuality is a key factor to consider. I just don’t want to be dismissed because of it or told my sexuality isn’t real. Idk what to. Any other women facing the same dilema of feeling like we need more sexual health based organisations to focus on all types of sexuality not just one or two ? 

I never actually brought the topic up at my doctor's, and I seriously doubt their take would be a good one.

I remember that when I was at the hospital with appendicitis they thought for a moment that it might come from the ovaries, and when they brought me to the gynecologist they asked me if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I said that was not possible (unless divine intervention) and they looked at me so funny, like they didn't believe me and were judging me at the same time.

At this point I wonder if it would be easier to pretend to be celibate for religious reasons.

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coolshades
On 7/1/2022 at 12:29 AM, plund3r said:

I never actually brought the topic up at my doctor's, and I seriously doubt their take would be a good one.

I remember that when I was at the hospital with appendicitis they thought for a moment that it might come from the ovaries, and when they brought me to the gynecologist they asked me if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I said that was not possible (unless divine intervention) and they looked at me so funny, like they didn't believe me and were judging me at the same time.

I get the same look every time I see the doctor and they ask if I might be pregnant.  I tell them there's no way unless I'm the next Virgin Mary.  Considering the fact my real name is actually Mary, you'd think that the joke would go over well.  But nope, all I get is awkward stares and no laughs. *sigh*

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