Asexual Men Musings

[Dizzard]

I feel like I ought to post a follow up post here to close things off.

Basically I became really horny when I looked at gay porn about a week ago and now I feel pretty sure I'm gay (homosexual). Also I think I was masturbating wrong all this time.....I was focusing on my fetish (wearing mens clothes) when I should have been focusing on the men themselves. The difference between the two was shocking. In hindsight I guess I should have seen the signs. That fetish didn't develop until I was around 13-14 (puberty) but I guess I just didn't have the emotional intelligence to process what was going on. I mean back then the only gay person I knew about was that guy on Will & Grace (not exactly relatable) and I guess I somehow managed to convince myself that I wasn't interested in guys.

I feel strangely confident all of a sudden. I think over the past few months I've had these intrusive thoughts in regards to what people thought about me and how I related to the people around me that have been really stressing me out. I actually didn't realize how much white noise and chaos was going on inside my head until I started masturbating properly. (I'm guessing my testosterone has gone up because of that?) I didn't realize how miserable and off I felt.

I guess that means I'm male too since I'm so comfortable, although I guess I could still be genderfluid. If anything being more confident makes me want to wear a dress more now. :p

I also feel like I really want to move out from my parents house. That I still live with my parents is something I would never have admitted on this forum before. It's one of the things I'm most ashamed about. So I guess that's proof enough.

I think the bottom line is that I haven't been very emotionally mature, I got it completely wrong. I really want to thank the Asexual community though. Asexuality was what really started to make me feel comfortable questioning my sexuality.

[Skycaptain]

^^ Dizzard I was 36 before I moved out, and I know of other members who are even older and still live with their parents

[Visenya]

First of all, sorry for intruding. I'm not a man, but I had to comment something about this.

I also feel like I really want to move out from my parents house. That I still live with my parents is something I would never have admitted on this forum before. It's one of the things I'm most ashamed about. So I guess that's proof enough.

I think the bottom line is that I haven't been very emotionally mature, I got it completely wrong. I really want to thank the Asexual community though. Asexuality was what really started to make me feel comfortable questioning my sexuality.

You're not alone on this! :)

Where I live, a lot of people move out of their parents' house only when they get married (low salaries + expensive rent = a lot of 30+ year old single people living with their parents). Since I'm not getting married ever, the prospect of not having enough money to move out terrifies me! I mean, my parents are very religious and conservative, which only makes things worse. Whenever I read about people younger than me (I'm 24) already having a place of their own, I feel like sh*t. Besides, I just started college this year, so it will take me a very long time to have a little bit more financial stability, and I still don't know if it will be enough to rent a place for myself eventually. So yeah, even though there are a lot of people in our situation, I can understand why it's hard to admit it.

But anyway, I think it's great that you're getting more comfortable with yourself. It helps a lot! ^_^

[RobPal]

First of all, sorry for intruding. I'm not a man, but I had to comment something about this.

I also feel like I really want to move out from my parents house. That I still live with my parents is something I would never have admitted on this forum before. It's one of the things I'm most ashamed about. So I guess that's proof enough.

I think the bottom line is that I haven't been very emotionally mature, I got it completely wrong. I really want to thank the Asexual community though. Asexuality was what really started to make me feel comfortable questioning my sexuality.

You're not alone on this! :)

Where I live, a lot of people move out of their parents' house only when they get married (low salaries + expensive rent = a lot of 30+ year old single people living with their parents). Since I'm not getting married ever, the prospect of not having enough money to move out terrifies me! I mean, my parents are very religious and conservative, which only makes things worse. Whenever I read about people younger than me (I'm 24) already having a place of their own, I feel like sh*t. Besides, I just started college this year, so it will take me a very long time to have a little bit more financial stability, and I still don't know if it will be enough to rent a place for myself eventually. So yeah, even though there are a lot of people in our situation, I can understand why it's hard to admit it.

But anyway, I think it's great that you're getting more comfortable with yourself. It helps a lot! ^_^

Yeah, it sucks to be a "grown up" but still living with your folks. I saved up in my mid twenties to head to London for a summer of some training and then did this again a couple of years later and went back and forth between home and London for the next 4 years. This led me very depleted in funds and with a lot of debt, but also a degree that helped me get a half decent job. I finally moved out proper when I was 34 and am just about managing financially, although still with loads of debt.

I think this is more common than not these days, and being ace doesn't help as you're more likely to have to try and find the money on a single income, but there are plenty of non-ace people who are single and want their independence. The global economy is in such a state that fewer people are moving out from their parents house in their twenties, so there's no need to feel ashamed if you do, even though it can still be quite hard to admit.

[Jin Kisaragi]

I don't think the whole world looks down on you if you do that. Some women might in America, but I mean who gives a shit anyway right? I still have roomates but I am living under my means to an extent right now.

[Dawg4280]

Just wondering, where do you fall on the masculine/ feminine spectrum. Do you set off people's gaydars so to speak. I definatly feel like I am fairly feminine for a guy, but probably more masculine than most queer men. Where do you fall?

Disclaimer: I do not wish to reinforce the gender binary, or any stereotypes for that matter. However, like it or not this is how people are perceived in heteronormative settings. Which makes it relavent even if only in those settings.

[RobPal]

Just wondering, where do you fall on the masculine/ feminine spectrum. Do you set off people's gaydars so to speak. I definatly feel like I am fairly feminine for a guy, but probably more masculine than most queer men. Where do you fall?

Disclaimer: I do not wish to reinforce the gender binary, or any stereotypes for that matter. However, like it or not this is how people are perceived in heteronormative settings. Which makes it relavent even if only in those settings.

I think I'm somewhere in the middle and it can veer either way depending on the situation. I generally am fairly centre of the gender binary in normal everyday activities, particularly now I know that I'm asexual because I don't have t prove anything any more. When I'm hanging out with other guys I swing more towards being masculine to about 50-60%, and when I'm with other women I probably swing to being about 10-20% feminine. Either way, I'm never one nor the other and the swings can be instant in a group setting. I don't think this is specific to asexuals though, as I've seen similar swings in other sexuals.

[That asexual guy]

I'm in the middle. I'm a bit ambiguous.

[Skycaptain]

Dawg4280

I identify as agendered, but I certainly set off people's gaydar,

[RHD95]

I'm fairly neutral in that regard, although I did set off a few people's gaydars by being socially passive and soft-spoken (according to them anyways), or by not being very vocal about interest in girls <_< .

[IBendTheLine]

I am definitely in the middle for this. Being a long-haired male, and as I'd stated before, I feel like my own realizations on my identity have allowed me to be more true to myself. Any one of my color guard friends can tell you this.

In general, my actions are pretty polarized to being: super reserved and soft-spoken, always pushing for compromise,

or being a flamboyant sociopath with wild hand gestures and sarcasm, both of which tend to give off the less masculine vibe.

[MrAce]

Ive never really thought about this...I certainly identify as male but I wounder what my disinterest in females makes others think.

Back when dating became relevant for my group of friends whenever we would hang out they would always talk about who in classes was hot, or who they would want to go out with. During these conversations I would usually go quiet which I guess drew attention to myself as each time the topic came up they would always ask "Who do you fancy" and I just either said nothing or just went "ummm...ahh..well...". This always made me really uncomfortable as they would never take no one for an answer and would always say "What are you worried about? We wont tell her!" when there was no her to tell.

Back then I also didn't know about asexuality and I didn't think I was a homosexual so I kind of went into the whole "Oh no, there must be something wrong with me" spiral but never told anyone... Gotta say feels good to get that off my chest even if its just typing, it helps. :)

[That asexual guy]

I think most people think a guy not interested in women is automatically gay. I don't think it ever crosses anyone's mind he may not be interested in other men either. At least that's how it was when I grew up. Caused a lot of stress in my life.

[ChrisHangry]

I identify as agenderflux, which honestly i think is just a really cool word hahaha

but i lean a little on the feminine side in terms of how i feel. However, I was raised in a military community in South Korea, where you're either an outcast for being gay, or you're just straight. not a lot of breathing room for people to try and explore their feelings.

But I digress, I end up coming off as really masculine just because of the way I talk, but I talk more like a tomboy (if i was to be a female).

Also going through that phase of having friends that wanted to be dating, I always dated people that were rumored to like me (like ooh she likes you, you should ask her out), just so i can hide my lack of attraction towards people (i really wanted to fit in), but that always ended pretty badly, because it was pretty obvious that i didn't like the other person.

nowadays, i'm kinda glad that i stopped running from my identity, because at one point, and i'm not proud to admit, i was using sex with my girlfriends as a social tool, so that i can have something to talk about in a group of hormone addled teenage boys.

it's nice not to have to hurt others in order to be happy.

also, nice to have friends who don't base their friendships off of how many people you can get yourself to sleep with.

sorry about the crazy post lol

[Alphaprocess]

Article on Pride.com "5 things I learned from dating an asexual guy"

http://www.pride.com/lgbt/2015/9/25/5-things-i-learned-dating-asexual-guy

Just don't bother with the comments ...

"That's not a relationship... That's a platonic friendship."

that's a relationship, stupid!

[pinkroses]

^^ penis =power

There is an oft held myth that the bigger your genitals the more powerful, more virile, the more attractive you are.

It's in reality just a load of balls

yes. so when angry at males i will just shout at them i dont care that you have a penis. i have the power, not your penis. XD

[That asexual guy]

There is a great difference between gay men and lesbians. It's even often strange to group the two. I just wonder if there are great differences between asexual men and women. Is one group more on the romantic side than the other, etc. I dunno. Just some random thought I had.

[Autumn Season]

^^ penis =power

There is an oft held myth that the bigger your genitals the more powerful, more virile, the more attractive you are.

It's in reality just a load of balls

yes. so when angry at males i will just shout at them i dont care that you have a penis. i have the power, not your penis. XD

And then there's the myth that the longer one's beard is, the more power one has. Hm...

[nmcdermott94]

Just wondering, where do you fall on the masculine/ feminine spectrum. Do you set off people's gaydars so to speak. I definatly feel like I am fairly feminine for a guy, but probably more masculine than most queer men. Where do you fall?

Disclaimer: I do not wish to reinforce the gender binary, or any stereotypes for that matter. However, like it or not this is how people are perceived in heteronormative settings. Which makes it relavent even if only in those settings.

I can relate to this alot. I'm definitely gender fluid however I recognize as male. I've had people think I was gay for as long as I can remember. Before I found asexuality,I was questioning myself and possible thinking I was bisexual. Discovering my asexuality has helped me understand myself way more and think yeah it's okay if I'm gender fluid.

[The ace in space]

Just wondering, where do you fall on the masculine/ feminine spectrum. Do you set off people's gaydars so to speak. I definatly feel like I am fairly feminine for a guy, but probably more masculine than most queer men. Where do you fall?

Disclaimer: I do not wish to reinforce the gender binary, or any stereotypes for that matter. However, like it or not this is how people are perceived in heteronormative settings. Which makes it relavent even if only in those settings.

I have to say I'm in the middle. My personality is extremely androgynous, and so is my clothing, switching from sweatshirts and sweat pants to preppy clothes. I don't really set off a lot of radars mostly because of how masculine and feminine I am at the same time. There have been people who suspected I'm not straight romantically, and there's also been people who are surprised to learn I'm not 100% straight romantically too. This is an interesting question because most people stereotype sexuality based on "gender personalities" when in truth none of that really determines anything. I'm actually quite proud of having both masculine and feminine traits, it's surprisingly fun!

[Dawg4280]

There is a great difference between gay men and lesbians. It's even often strange to group the two. I just wonder if there are great differences between asexual men and women. Is one group more on the romantic side than the other, etc. I dunno. Just some random thought I had.

Idk. Experiences with asexuality definitely differ by gender, he'll just look at this thread. I know that I am typically attracted to very feminine women. So on average I am more attracted to straight women, even though it is just platonic and aesthetic attraction.

[That asexual guy]

There is a great difference between gay men and lesbians. It's even often strange to group the two. I just wonder if there are great differences between asexual men and women. Is one group more on the romantic side than the other, etc. I dunno. Just some random thought I had.

Idk. Experiences with asexuality definitely differ by gender, he'll just look at this thread. I know that I am typically attracted to very feminine women. So on average I am more attracted to straight women, even though it is just platonic and aesthetic attraction.

Probably my imagination but I just seem to think I see way way more women say they're Demisexual compared to men. Like maybe more women want relationships that go beyond platonic than the men. I don't know

[divided_sky]

So what would you guys consider to be some stereotypically "manly" characteristics? I think by having a beard, I get put into a more masculine category than is probably appropriate for me. But, I definitely identify with being a male. My personality, aside from the sex issue, also tends towards the more masculine side. And I will talk about sex and joke about it no problem, so I don't think that I come off as asexual really. Although my apparent lack of interest in women may make it seem so.

[Dazza]

So what would you guys consider to be some stereotypically "manly" characteristics? I think by having a beard, I get put into a more masculine category than is probably appropriate for me. But, I definitely identify with being a male. My personality, aside from the sex issue, also tends towards the more masculine side. And I will talk about sex and joke about it no problem, so I don't think that I come off as asexual really. Although my apparent lack of interest in women may make it seem so.

Hmmm...some stereotypical "manly" characteristics could include:

- having beards / facial hair

- being muscly / macho

- having a trophy girlfriend/wife

- rugged handsomeness

- possessing a firm handshake

- being an avid sport lover

- being oversexed

-being quite private and non emotive

There's some that spring to mind. I'm interested to read what others think.

[Hobbes!]

Being aggressive as well, I should think. Being a tiger, I don't have much choice in the matter, but then that's not exactly a masculine characteristic for our species.

I think it is easier to appear more "normal" by acting more typically masculine. I don't know how you guys feel, but I find it more tiring trying to play the "masculine" game than trying to play the "straight" game

[Autumn Season]

Just wondering. For me the "masculine traits" mentioned above sound rather negative. But do they appear positive to others? Or are there maybe other, more positive traits to masculinity?

[Mr. Quickhands]

Hmmm, I think there are a lot of different ways to formulate masculinity. For instance, you could make an argument that confrontational people are more masculine. I don't think that's a good description, though, because it doesn't take into account masculine people who tend more in the direction of taking orders. Personally, when I think of canonically "masculine" personality traits, I automatically think more along the lines of veterans from post-war era: non-emotive and private to an extreme with a particular emphasis on being straightforward and to-the-point.

At its core, I'd say that masculinity trends more toward reduction of "flourish", hence the tendency to keep things impersonal. "Masculine" ways of showing off tend to be practicality-oriented things, like lifting heavy objects or solving problems. When someone asks for help, the more masculine response is to find the root cause and offer a solution rather than attempt to provide emotional support or a shoulder to cry on. If a masculine person needs to provide emotional support to a close friend, delving very deeply into feelings and the idea of "getting it out" by letting the other person rant or cry/hug it out is avoided. Instead, they'll acknowledge the difficulties that their friend is experiencing (perhaps by mirroring them slightly) and then try to "lead by example" by remaining emotionally composed.

Same goes for speech -- there's a particular way of developing conversation that I would say is more masculine. No matter if you're in a leadership position or order-taking position: everything is a firm and confident statement, even the questions sound like statements. A conversation between very masculine people sounds like each party knows exactly how it will end and they're just clarifying the in-between details.

Needless to say there are ups and downs of masculinity and femininity. I'm naturally a lot more on the masculine side and like more things about masculinity, but I get along best with people who are sort of "neither here nor there". In small groups, I like equal gender ratios. I grew up with sisters, so it's easy for me to connect with feminine people despite being on the opposite end of the spectrum from them. It's also very enjoyable to me if I've established a legitimate emotional rapport with someone on the more masculine end of the spectrum as those sorts of relationships are always very interesting. That may be why I like the "neither here nor there" sort, because they can express some masculinity without things feeling socially awkward when being more emotionally open.

[Dazza]

.......And I was reminded today by something a colleague said .... And of another trait which I can't believe I hadn't included. I've heard the same thing often bragged about by many other "manly" males and that is:

- the number and/or frequency of their sexual conquests

AND

- how well endowed they are!!!

Ewwwww. Far TMI for my liking

[RobPal]

Since realising my own asexuality it has become quite clear that most men play up to the expected stereotypes in order to appear more "manly". It's like self fulfilling prophecy that continually perpetuates through generations. I work with teenagers in an education environment and see them in groups as well as one to one. They act quite differently in a group and certainly show many more of the "manly" characteristics than they do when I speak to them one to one. The same goes for the females and feminine qualities. I think it helps that I'm don't come across as particularly either one thing or another, so my students tend to feel safe being themselves more with me on a one to one basis. It's not just youngsters that suffer from the stereotyping behaviour in groups. I see it all the time in full grown adults too. It's a frailty of human nature that I feel I'm more immune to as an asexual.

[Atmetller]

Did it happen to you that a girl tried to seduce you and you didn't notice it? (and then your friends were like crazy asking why didn't you react)