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Asexual Men Musings


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Skycaptain

Bigbearhug, the quote button doesn't work on Chrome, but does on Internet Explorer

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Sage Raven Domino

Really? It has always been working for me in Chrome (in Windows 7).

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Bigbearhug, the quote button doesn't work on Chrome, but does on Internet Explorer

I don't have either chrome or IE to test it on. :/

It does work with firefox.

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  • 2 weeks later...
The ace in space

Does anyone else find dating hard, because you're asexual?

Absofrickenlutely. There's this guy I'm intrested in right now, but I can't tell what kind of intrest it is given my whole platonic/romantic confusion. All I know is it's there and I like him. The problem being that relationships tend to lead to sex, something I clearly consider myself better without. So naturally I'm afraid if I ask him out or he asks me out it'll lead to that in the future. There's that and there's also the fact that a lot of people consider me an attractive guy, so I've constantly had to turn down date offers because I'm simply not that interested. I realize it's my choice and I have every right to make that choice, I just hate seeing people hurt is all... I guess with all that said though, it's a good thing I'm fine without relationships as well. Back to the main point, yes dating is difficult for me for a few reasons, the biggest being asexuality.
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The ace in space

To me it's not a question of nudity being sexual but rather having a strong sense of privacy and also being self conscious as hell.

Eventually I was so uncomfortable I started peeing female style by sitting to go.

Also this! I've always preferred sitting down, more comfortable, relaxing and less messy, I couldn't care less if it is "unmanly".

I always thought I was the only guy who did this. Good gosh this website's great!
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Does anyone else find dating hard, because you're asexual?

For me it's just weird, period. It has little to nothing to do with me being asexual. If anything, I would say it has a lot more to do with me being demiromantic.

Dates, to me, are something you do to get to know another person, but with a romantically-charged subtext of sorts. The thing is, the only people I would ever consider dating are the people I already know well, making the process seem sort of... unnecessary?

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IBendTheLine

Does anyone else find dating hard, because you're asexual?

Yes. For me, I think it's that lack of physical attraction that makes it hard to find someone to even consider pursuing, as it sort of requires knowing them first (which leads to the classic "should I keep a friend or go for a relationship?" scenario). But me being in high school, more if it's just myself being insecure and antisocial more than anything of the sexuality nature

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divided_sky

To me it's not a question of nudity being sexual but rather having a strong sense of privacy and also being self conscious as hell.

Eventually I was so uncomfortable I started peeing female style by sitting to go.

Also this! I've always preferred sitting down, more comfortable, relaxing and less messy, I couldn't care less if it is "unmanly".

I always thought I was the only guy who did this. Good gosh this website's great!

Sitting down is the way to go. Except in public, because I'm somewhat of a germophobe. No worries about split streams (ah!!!) or any of that nonsense.

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Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

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Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

Yep, I just simply thought of it as me being an introvert.

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Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

Totally, it's the most bizarre thing. I'm usually ok with it, but a while back I had this thing where I just couldn't go if there was someone nearby, which gradually escalated to "if there's anyone else in the same bathroom at all".

I worked through it eventually, it's largely a mind over matter thing. Though I still think it's barbarous to have urinals next to each other with no form of screen or separation between them, which appears to be the case in the majority of UK public bathrooms >_<

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divided_sky

Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

Totally, it's the most bizarre thing. I'm usually ok with it, but a while back I had this thing where I just couldn't go if there was someone nearby, which gradually escalated to "if there's anyone else in the same bathroom at all".

I worked through it eventually, it's largely a mind over matter thing. Though I still think it's barbarous to have urinals next to each other with no form of screen or separation between them, which appears to be the case in the majority of UK public bathrooms >_<

Yeah, it's nutty. I can't if other people are there. I'd be happier if every bathroom had nothing but stalls. I need to close a door and separate myself from the rest of the room. Blegh.

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Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

I never use the communal unless it's an emergency.

Although I don't think it has anything to do with asexuality, I think I'm just a private person.

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Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

I never use the communal unless it's an emergency.

Although I don't think it has anything to do with asexuality, I think I'm just a private person.

Agreed. I'd rather stand a wait for a cubicle (enduring the strange looks from people walking passed me to the urinals) than use one myself.

As you say, I don't think it's asexuality related, just privacy related. :)

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danigirlawkward

SpidermanBear was looking for advice from you guys in a page back. I would answer but I'm a girl and I just like reading this thread for the male perspective. I just noticed that no one had answered him yet and figured I'd let you know.

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That asexual guy

Hey, just popping in this thread to get an opinion real quick, I'm considering making a whole thread about it, but it follows the theme of asexual men having certain expectations thrust upon them to be very sexual.

One of my friends was talking about a girl that I had expressed an interest in. He thought I had "the hots" for her but in reality I was just interested in dating her. He does not know I am asexual, and at the time I didn't either. This was my sophomore year of high school, a few months ago. During the conversation I mentioned that if a cute girl was in my house alone I'd rather watch Netflix with her than have sex with her. This is fairly normal for an asexual man, but neither of us knew that information about me. He then told me that "no other man, and probably no other woman, would choose Netflix over sex". It made me feel excluded and different. Not too long after that I did some research and upon finding out what asexuality is realized it fit me like a glove. I now realize that not being interested in sex at all isn't strange, but the issue now is how public I should be about it.

Clearly he thinks it's strange I'm not as sexual as he is, and I don't plan on sitting him down and having a formal 'coming out' but if the subject comes up again and I explain myself by saying I'm asexual, do you think that would lead to him understanding where I'm coming from more, or do you think it would only increase me feeling excluded from how he feels and how the other people around me feel? Clearly none of my other friends see sex the same way I do.

Everyone is different so it's impossible to know how telling your friend will react to you telling him.

I will say most of my friends know I'm asexual and it still doesn't stop them from saying inappropriate things to me. They were all talking about sex when we were all out at a dinner once. I got tired of listening to a conversation that had already gone on 30 minutes and reminded them that I didn't care for sex. One of my friends said "then you're not doing it right" and everyone thought it was so funny.

You could have a friend like that, or you could have a totally understanding friend.

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Has anyone else noticed that if using a communal facility you just can't go if there are other folk nearby?

I just go straight to the stalls, even if the bathroom is empty. I would hate being by myself at the urinal and then having someone enter the room while "doing it", just the thought of it scares me. For an introvert and privacy freak like me they're not even an option.

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divided_sky

Hey, just popping in this thread to get an opinion real quick, I'm considering making a whole thread about it, but it follows the theme of asexual men having certain expectations thrust upon them to be very sexual.

One of my friends was talking about a girl that I had expressed an interest in. He thought I had "the hots" for her but in reality I was just interested in dating her. He does not know I am asexual, and at the time I didn't either. This was my sophomore year of high school, a few months ago. During the conversation I mentioned that if a cute girl was in my house alone I'd rather watch Netflix with her than have sex with her. This is fairly normal for an asexual man, but neither of us knew that information about me. He then told me that "no other man, and probably no other woman, would choose Netflix over sex". It made me feel excluded and different. Not too long after that I did some research and upon finding out what asexuality is realized it fit me like a glove. I now realize that not being interested in sex at all isn't strange, but the issue now is how public I should be about it.

Clearly he thinks it's strange I'm not as sexual as he is, and I don't plan on sitting him down and having a formal 'coming out' but if the subject comes up again and I explain myself by saying I'm asexual, do you think that would lead to him understanding where I'm coming from more, or do you think it would only increase me feeling excluded from how he feels and how the other people around me feel? Clearly none of my other friends see sex the same way I do.

That's tough, especially in high school. I think guys are going to be much less prone to understanding that. You know him better than we do, of course, so use your judgement. I do think the best course is to be honest about yourself, but straight up coming out and announcing that you're asexual may be kind of shocking to him, especially if he doesn't know what it is. Is he someone that you trust will still be your friend if you do admit that you have very different ideas about sex than he does? And, if he isn't, are you sure that he is someone that you truly want to be a friend and even have to worry about such topics with? I'm a very open person myself, but I'm also generally a loner and I don't typically care if people are put off by what I have to say, especially when it's just me being open and honest. If you aren't going to accept me, then we can't be friends anyway. But, I know that not everyone is that way, and being younger and in a high school environment makes everything a bit more difficult.

I would never really advocate for you to be dishonest, but maybe you can find a sort of middle ground (if you don't feel comfortable about the possible consequences of declaring that you're asexual), where you just admit to not having as high of an interest in sex, and kind of leave it at that.

Ultimately, though, I think you have to figure out if he is truly a friend, and if he is, you being asexual isn't going to disrupt your friendship. He may have to take some time to grasp what that means and understand it, but if he's a friend worth having, he won't ditch you because of that. These are the kind of decisions you will have to increasingly make as you get older, and having to accept that some people you thought were friends just really aren't worth having in your life. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around the subject, or be dishonest about yourself, to keep him as a friend. But, it's easy for me to say that now, and I know what high school was like for me as a lonely, anxious person with no confidence in myself. It would have been tough for me to risk losing a "friend" over something like this. Whereas now, I will gladly tell them to fuck off :p

If you feel like you can talk to him about this, then perhaps you can slowly broach the subject and explain what it is and how it impacts your life/ideas about sex.

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RedSpiderLily

Personally I don't plan to reveal I'm asexual to anyone unless I'm in a serious relationship because most people just don't get it because they're morons who see things in black and white then when you try to educate them they act as if you know you better than you know yourself. Arrogant twerps. I forgot, no ranting...

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I'm probably thinking about this more than I should but....

There's this guy I occasionally meet when I'm walking into town and he's always asking me if I have a girlfriend yet and if he's not doing that he's telling about how he has multiple girlfriends going at once. He seems like a real ladies man. (I'm inclined to believe him since I've seen him walking around with various women)

I'm sure he means well as he seems pretty friendly (he's quite bubbly) but it's annoying at the same time, every time he asks I feel like I'm committing a crime or something. I told him a while back that I did have a girlfriend once (a lie) but I'm not sure if he believed me. I'm probably "that poor awkward guy who can't get some" to him.

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That asexual guy

I'm probably thinking about this more than I should but....

There's this guy I occasionally meet when I'm walking into town and he's always asking me if I have a girlfriend yet and if he's not doing that he's telling about how he has multiple girlfriends going at once. He seems like a real ladies man. (I'm inclined to believe him since I've seen him walking around with various women)

I'm sure he means well as he seems pretty friendly (he's quite bubbly) but it's annoying at the same time, every time he asks I feel like I'm committing a crime or something. I told him a while back that I did have a girlfriend once (a lie) but I'm not sure if he believed me. I'm probably "that poor awkward guy who can't get some" to him.

I'm sure he's just being friendly and probably doesn't know enough about you to talk about another subject. Maybe start the conversation onto another subject and see if that steers him away from girl talk.
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On one hand, we have pressure from other males to behave and act in a certain way that meets their expectations and on the other hand we have social pressure from other circles in society to behave an entirely different way that meets their expectations.

The pressures are realzies. Not being bro or dude enough proves to be extremely vexing, especially for people who are trying to create or maintain male-male platonic relationships. I don't particularly like being made fun of in banter, or "rolling with the punches," or aggressive behaviours. As a result I don't fit in at all and have very few positive male friendships.

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divided_sky

I've never really felt all that much pressure, but I'm also not interested in trying to meet most people's expectations of what I should be. I will come right out and tell people that I'm asexual. Listening to guys talk about their sexual feelings/girls or their experiences is incredibly annoying, however. Maybe I've been lucky, or maybe people quickly notice that I'm a bit strange, but I can't really recall feeling pressured to be sexual. I try to have a sense of humor about myself as well, so any jokes about it don't bother me at all. Life is much harder when you can't laugh at yourself.

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I just had a dream were I donated a specimen (if you know what I mean) to the Icelandic Phalological Museum. After I woke up I realized that it's not such a bad idea. It'd get more use there than on my body :D. And they'd probably cover the expenses. Has any of you actually looked into this?

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Hey, just popping in this thread to get an opinion real quick, I'm considering making a whole thread about it, but it follows the theme of asexual men having certain expectations thrust upon them to be very sexual.

One of my friends was talking about a girl that I had expressed an interest in. He thought I had "the hots" for her but in reality I was just interested in dating her. He does not know I am asexual, and at the time I didn't either. This was my sophomore year of high school, a few months ago. During the conversation I mentioned that if a cute girl was in my house alone I'd rather watch Netflix with her than have sex with her. This is fairly normal for an asexual man, but neither of us knew that information about me. He then told me that "no other man, and probably no other woman, would choose Netflix over sex". It made me feel excluded and different. Not too long after that I did some research and upon finding out what asexuality is realized it fit me like a glove. I now realize that not being interested in sex at all isn't strange, but the issue now is how public I should be about it.

Clearly he thinks it's strange I'm not as sexual as he is, and I don't plan on sitting him down and having a formal 'coming out' but if the subject comes up again and I explain myself by saying I'm asexual, do you think that would lead to him understanding where I'm coming from more, or do you think it would only increase me feeling excluded from how he feels and how the other people around me feel? Clearly none of my other friends see sex the same way I do.

Everyone is different so it's impossible to know how telling your friend will react to you telling him.

I will say most of my friends know I'm asexual and it still doesn't stop them from saying inappropriate things to me. They were all talking about sex when we were all out at a dinner once. I got tired of listening to a conversation that had already gone on 30 minutes and reminded them that I didn't care for sex. One of my friends said "then you're not doing it right" and everyone thought it was so funny.

You could have a friend like that, or you could have a totally understanding friend.

I find that if someone is having trouble accepting that asexuality exists and actually has a fair population base, then it's a lot easier to just convince them that you're just weird. like some fluke of brain just made it so that you're not interested. It may not be the most accurate way to explain things, but (in my experience) people tend to accept that easier than if you tried to convince them that asexuality was a real thing

Yes! I got the quote button to work using chrome

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I was just thinking about something today, about how I interact with people online.

Does anyone else feel like they're very comfortable talking publicly and generally on forums (and online in general) but when it comes to private 1 on 1 communicating they become nervous and uncomfortable?

Usually when I communicate with people on forums I'm agreeing or disagreeing with an opinion or I'm offering some insight on a problem they have.....but I never feel like I'm REALLY talking to them in a meaningful way. I'm just "some guy on the internet who said a thing".

It's starting to feel a little draining, like I'm pouring water into a bucket that's never going to be full.

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