The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[rainbowocollie]

I'm watching Bloom Into You, which has an aroace character and the main character is probably grey-aro or demiromantic. It's just making me appreciate being aromantic, even though it is a romance anime.

[a little annihilation]

repeat

[a little annihilation]

actively talking about romantic situations makes me feel more aro. usually i don't even think about it because there's no reason to. i used to think i must be romantic because i'm everything a stereotypical aro isn't. i've always loved romance and physical affection in movies and there is a section of my life specifically dedicated to all the time i've spent fantasizing about kissing. but like romance as a thingy i just do not grasp. it seems like friendship but with inconceivable and nonsensical extra steps and rules, and i can't do with social rules. friendship has enough of them already. idek. i just wanna have a relationship without having to seek it out like truffles. and the only way to get that is to be social. and being social makes me miserable. so. 

[Slajmy]

I simply hate romance. 

[BagelBunnyCat]

I am either aromantic or demiromantic. I had a strong emotional connection to a friend and thought the best logical step was to date them. We got married but unfortunately it didn't last. I never cared if we were in a romantic relationship or not but I wish it never happened so we could of still been friends still. They cheated on me and I surprisingly didn't care just how they ended things. I also tried coming out as ace to them several times and they just kept saying I couldn't be which was frustrating. I do love them but I don't think it's the same as romantic love every one is talking about the more people describe it. If I have romantic attraction it's very little. I just feel bad about the whole thing

Edited October 24, 2023 by BagelBunnyCat
Better conclusion

[Squirrel Combat]

I feel that I may belong in the Aro group. I

 

still experience romantic attraction, and respond well to any woman who makes a romantic move, and I do want that too, but I'm so bad at initiating it. I just can't get the timing right. Everytime I have tried to be overtly romantic, everything went bad fast.

 

I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm actually less interested in romantic relationships and just want something platonic and only do romance stuff within the territory of my fetishes and just indulge in those with someone, but be (exclusive and long-term committed) friends, based on love, the rest of the time.

 

Or maybe I still haven't figured myself out and what I really want.

[J. van Deijck]

It took me years to learn I'm arospec (still oriented, but that's a detail). I've been wondering why people make that big fuss about all that lovey-dovey stuff. My love manifests differently. My love is fidelity and loyalty, not calling each other "babe" and bringing flowers. Obviously I don't say it's either one or the other, I know it can be both at the same time. Just for me, that romantic stuff is not necessary to love and form relationships. 

[GloomyGhost]

I haven't been here in years.

I just left an on-line group I'd been in for years because of one of the members being an asshole about aromantics. It was pretty much the only group where I felt like I could be myself, at least to some extent. This person had been around for over 2 years and I never noticed any red flags, so I was quite disappointed.

 

I have no idea why he thought it was a good idea to ping an aromantic to shit on aromantics to them. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, chances to explain what he meant, and he kept doubling down. Then he tried to say that he wasn't talking about me (an asexual woman), but heterosexual aromantic men, that he considered it "an excuse to be opportunistic, vulgar and entitled". Well, I don't like it when people shit on other aromantics, and on top that the member of that group I am the closest to, and who helped me when I was in a vulnerable state, happens to be a heterosexual aromantic man (which the asshole probably didn't realize). So this didn't sit well with me at all. I didn't even feel personally hurt, I just wanted to stand up for him and all other aromantics. I thought I could make the guy understand, so I shared some vulnerable feelings about what being aromantic in this society was like, and he called my experience and feelings "invalid". I was so disappointed by the fact that even a person that always seemed so reasonable on all other topics could turn out like this, so I left.

I don't know if the aromantic guy saw this exchange. He probably didn't. I don't want to talk to him about it because heterosexual aromantics were the ones being insulted. I was trying to stand up for him, so he shouldn't be the one to comfort me. So I'm here, venting my frustration.

[melancholymanta]

I feel 100 percent comfortable with using the asexual label for myself. It makes me feel more whole in a way, if that makes sense. Thinking about stuff like that, either in regards to myself or in fictional works, honest makes me want to launch myself into the sun. I am most definitely ace for sure.

 

When it comes to the aromantic label though, it's a bit more complicated? Like I feel like it fits to a certain degree but not all the way. Forgive me for the slightly poor analogy, it's like trying to use a wrong corner piece for a puzzle. Technically it's going to fit if you try hard enough but it's not going to look right. I actually love fictional romance and shipping characters and all that. It's fine if it's happening to them. When it comes to myself however, that's when it gets a bit iffy. I'm an introvert with social anxiety. I've never really had all that many friends in my life to begin with so I feel like wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between platonic or something more if there was ever a situation where I had to? It doesn't help that my parents growing up didn't even like each other so I don't have a good real life example of what love actually looks like, let alone what healthy love is.

 

I have a strong urge to be close to someone and feel connected to them but that could just be because I'm isolated and lonely. And I couldn't tell you whether that urge was strictly platonic or something more because I have no way to act on it? I've thought about pretending to go on a date with some one a few times over the years to see if I'm maybe demi romantic but I feel like that wouldn't be fair to the other person involved. Not to mention that I wouldn't know anybody to pretend date anyway. 

[A User]

What's real fucked up to me is that every time I hear of someone younger than me having a partner or falling in love, I get the feeling like I missed something in those formative years. Like yeah, I get that I'm valid or smth but honest to god I can't help thinking that maybe I'll get the gist of romance eventually... being autistic, it's already hard enough to identify what I'm feeling, but nothing sticks out as "romance, love, I love this person"

 

I know this girl who's like 2 years younger than me and she already has a partner. Istg it's so odd, when I was her age I was thinking about friends and platonic besties (still am) and thus something's just... never sitting right with me whenever I hear of other people and their partners.

 

It happened again with someone 3 years younger than me and I just feel more... awful? 

 

Like I've been mostly accepting of myself, I get that I'm aroace and all but somewhere in there I wonder if I'll ever get romantic feelings, and if I do then it's whatever! But that hasn't happened and I'm just so... i dunno... it's like I love not giving a shit about romance, but then I wonder if I should give a shit, if I'm being bad for not caring and such.
It was valentine's day and all I really felt was a bit out of place in some ways? Like I do adore the candy I got (and my film teacher who gladly called it crystal meth) but I just feel so damn out of it. like it's a normal day to me, but to others it's a special day. I feel like I'm disrespecting something here...

 

Idk, I feel like something in me fucked up so I'm autistic and aroace and neither of which is truly beneficial...

[Amcan]

17 hours ago, A User said:

What's real fucked up to me is that every time I hear of someone younger than me having a partner or falling in love, I get the feeling like I missed something in those formative years. Like yeah, I get that I'm valid or smth but honest to god I can't help thinking that maybe I'll get the gist of romance eventually... being autistic, it's already hard enough to identify what I'm feeling, but nothing sticks out as "romance, love, I love this person"

 

I know this girl who's like 2 years younger than me and she already has a partner. Istg it's so odd, when I was her age I was thinking about friends and platonic besties (still am) and thus something's just... never sitting right with me whenever I hear of other people and their partners.

 

It happened again with someone 3 years younger than me and I just feel more... awful? 

 

Like I've been mostly accepting of myself, I get that I'm aroace and all but somewhere in there I wonder if I'll ever get romantic feelings, and if I do then it's whatever! But that hasn't happened and I'm just so... i dunno... it's like I love not giving a shit about romance, but then I wonder if I should give a shit, if I'm being bad for not caring and such.
It was valentine's day and all I really felt was a bit out of place in some ways? Like I do adore the candy I got (and my film teacher who gladly called it crystal meth) but I just feel so damn out of it. like it's a normal day to me, but to others it's a special day. I feel like I'm disrespecting something here...

 

Idk, I feel like something in me fucked up so I'm autistic and aroace and neither of which is truly beneficial...

I don't know if it helps but it took me about 20 years to feel happy with my aro status. It's not easy seeing other people experiencing romantic love, especially since it is held up as some fundamental human experience. These days I feel like I'm not missing out though it's taken a lot of time and thought to get to this point. It's helped knowing that it doesn't always work out for people and some romantic people end up suffering awful and at least I don't have to go through that.

 

But you're not fucked up. Far from it and really your post of self-awareness is something to be proud of.

[A User]

1 hour ago, Amcan said:

I don't know if it helps but it took me about 20 years to feel happy with my aro status. It's not easy seeing other people experiencing romantic love, especially since it is held up as some fundamental human experience. These days I feel like I'm not missing out though it's taken a lot of time and thought to get to this point. It's helped knowing that it doesn't always work out for people and some romantic people end up suffering awful and at least I don't have to go through that.

 

But you're not fucked up. Far from it and really your post of self-awareness is something to be proud of.

thanks for the words! they mean a lot!

[rainbowocollie]

I am so happy being (dark grey) aromantic and prefer to stay single for life, but lately I do wonder if it would be nice to have a lady who adores me for who I am - if that makes sense. I don't know if I'd be able to return the feelings tho

[rainbowocollie]

On 2/18/2024 at 5:39 PM, A User said:

thanks for the words! they mean a lot!

Hey just wanna say I love your avatar

[chronicallypessimistic]

I remember always staring, admiring and just going "holy shit, they're so pretty!" to both men and women. Whether they had nice hair, pretty eyes, beautiful facial structure or, my personal favourite, an actual sense of style and fashion. I never thought "oh, I want to have sex with them" or "oh, I want to date them", I just wanted to admire them. I still thought this was romantic attraction though, as I hadn't discovered the oriented aroace label or what aesthetic attraction was. But when I did, I realised that I was not biromantic and asexual, but I was an oriented bi aroace with aesthetic attraction.

 

I just go by the label "loveless aro" because I'm very much aplatonic and either repulsed, averse or indifferent to every other form of tertiary attraction and my lack of said attractions is much more evident than my aesthetic attraction. I'm not 100% sure I can call myself loveless aro because of my bi-aesthetic side, but I'll use it for the time being.

I'm curious though; are there any other loveless aros here on AVEN? I've never encountered anyone else who identifies with that label.

[343]

On 2/17/2024 at 10:37 PM, A User said:

I know this girl who's like 2 years younger than me and she already has a partner. Istg it's so odd, when I was her age I was thinking about friends and platonic besties (still am) and thus something's just... never sitting right with me whenever I hear of other people and their partners.

I still get minor shocks when I hear that someone I know who is my age is getting married. I think "already!?" then remember I'm a grown-ass adult and so are they.

That's probably due to me constantly 'putting off' dating until the next big step in life. Don't have time in high-school to date, don't have time in college to date, and so on. Then I realized I just don't want to date period.

[will123]

1 hour ago, 343 said:

I still get minor shocks when I hear that someone I know who is my age is getting married. I think "already!?" then remember I'm a grown-ass adult and so are they.

That's probably due to me constantly 'putting off' dating until the next big step in life. Don't have time in high-school to date, don't have time in college to date, and so on. Then I realized I just don't want to date period.

I was always 'occupied' and content, so I never dated either. A couple of blind dates and out with girls I knew, but that was about it. I'm 62 and figured out I was ace when I was 44. I didn't realize I was aro until a few years ago when I joined AVEN.

[CaittMarr]

4 hours ago, 343 said:

I still get minor shocks when I hear that someone I know who is my age is getting married. I think "already!?" then remember I'm a grown-ass adult and so are they.

That's probably due to me constantly 'putting off' dating until the next big step in life. Don't have time in high-school to date, don't have time in college to date, and so on. Then I realized I just don't want to date period.

Honestly same. I just saw an old friend's engagement photo on Instagram and was like "why did her parents let her get engaged?!?!", we are 22 and can do what we want. I totally relate to the "putting off" dating until the next big step. When dating became a topic when I was like 12 the first thing to come out of my mouth was something like, " I will think about it in my 30s". Still saying that today.

What really cemented me being aromantic for me is seeing my friends talk about their dating life's as adults and I haven't even thought about. what is my celebrity crush...hmm idk. What do you look for in a partner? Someone nice, I guess. Becoming adult changes everything. 

[Lilihierax]

On 4/22/2024 at 8:10 PM, chronicallypessimistic said:

I just go by the label "loveless aro" because I'm very much aplatonic and either repulsed, averse or indifferent to every other form of tertiary attraction and my lack of said attractions is much more evident than my aesthetic attraction.

This is interesting, I have seen 'loveless aro' used a few times, and have looked into the definitions of it, but I imagine it's really dependent on personal definitions of love.  Is it that you never really feel anything beyond liking or admiring?

[chronicallypessimistic]

1 hour ago, Lilihierax said:

This is interesting, I have seen 'loveless aro' used a few times, and have looked into the definitions of it, but I imagine it's really dependent on personal definitions of love.  Is it that you never really feel anything beyond liking or admiring?

Well that's how it is for me. When I look at someone pretty and/or hot, I just love to gaze and admire their physical appearance. If you asked me what makes me notice a person first, their personality or looks, I'd immediately say looks (personality later). I never have the urge to hug them, touch them whether it be in a sensual or sexual way, or date them, I just like to admire them. Not in a creepy, perversely staring at someone's body way, just a "I love their clothes, their hair, EVERYTHING" way.

 

To put it easier, just imagine a straight girl. She finds so many girls really pretty, loves their fashion sense and their general looks, but does she want to date or fuck them? Nope.

Or, another example, the sunset joke that I've heard, one that's shared between aces online. "I like admiring sunsets, but do I wanna fuck 'em? No way."

[343]

12 hours ago, chronicallypessimistic said:

Well that's how it is for me. When I look at someone pretty and/or hot, I just love to gaze and admire their physical appearance. If you asked me what makes me notice a person first, their personality or looks, I'd immediately say looks (personality later). I never have the urge to hug them, touch them whether it be in a sensual or sexual way, or date them, I just like to admire them. Not in a creepy, perversely staring at someone's body way, just a "I love their clothes, their hair, EVERYTHING" way.

I might be like that. Not sure about tertiary attractions (pretty new with lingo), by that do you mean more than just sensual attraction? I don't really like touching people.

You mentioned 'aplatonic' in another post. Does that mean you don't form friendships?

I was going to say that I do, but now I'm doubtful after thinking about it. I have only a handful of people I'd call friends, but I rarely talk to them and met every single one of them because we had to be in the same place at the same time for most days of the week for several months. Would others consider these acquaintances? 

[Lilihierax]

13 hours ago, chronicallypessimistic said:

Well that's how it is for me. When I look at someone pretty and/or hot, I just love to gaze and admire their physical appearance. If you asked me what makes me notice a person first, their personality or looks, I'd immediately say looks (personality later). I never have the urge to hug them, touch them whether it be in a sensual or sexual way, or date them, I just like to admire them. Not in a creepy, perversely staring at someone's body way, just a "I love their clothes, their hair, EVERYTHING" way.

 

To put it easier, just imagine a straight girl. She finds so many girls really pretty, loves their fashion sense and their general looks, but does she want to date or fuck them? Nope.

Or, another example, the sunset joke that I've heard, one that's shared between aces online. "I like admiring sunsets, but do I wanna fuck 'em? No way."

This is really similar to me!  Though I never considered using the term loveless, I think because I still feel love for my family, friends, my pet, my interests.  I wasn't sure if loveless refers only to romantic love or to all love. 🤔

[chronicallypessimistic]

4 hours ago, 343 said:

I might be like that. Not sure about tertiary attractions (pretty new with lingo), by that do you mean more than just sensual attraction? I don't really like touching people.

You mentioned 'aplatonic' in another post. Does that mean you don't form friendships?

Tertiary attraction is basically any form of attraction that isn't romantic or sexual.

Here are some that I know of:

 

Aesthetic = Finding someone physically attractive

Sensual = The desire to interact/touch someone in a non-sexual way, such as hugging or cuddling

Platonic = The desire to form a platonic relationship/become friends with someone

Alterous = The desire to have a special emotional connection or emotional relationship, but is neither completely platonic or romantic

Emotional attraction = Having an affinity for another person based on their personality or other inner characteristics

There are others, but those are the ones most commonly found in individuals.

 

Being aplatonic is when you don't experience platonic attraction, or don't feel the desire to form platonic relationships with others. This isn't necessarily "I don't want to be friends with anyone", "I'm just a shy, awkward loner who doesn't know how to make friends" or some sign of narcissism or sociopathy (I remember being called a sociopath when I told someone I was aplatonic haha).

I guess it's when you don't feel very strong emotions or always want to be around a friend/friends. I like my friends and they're great people, but I don't really want to be around them all the time or always cling alongside them. I just really prefer being alone and left in peace and serenity.

It's pretty hard to explain, but while I do care about my friends and family, I don't feel a strong urge to be around them or have anything more but meetups and short chats every few months or so.

I also don't get lonely. It's really strange, but it's a rather foreign emotion to me. You could leave me alone with game consoles, my phone, laptop, food & water and I'd probably thrive without the need for human interaction.

[343]

5 hours ago, chronicallypessimistic said:

Being aplatonic is when you don't experience platonic attraction, or don't feel the desire to form platonic relationships with others. This isn't necessarily "I don't want to be friends with anyone", "I'm just a shy, awkward loner who doesn't know how to make friends" or some sign of narcissism or sociopathy (I remember being called a sociopath when I told someone I was aplatonic haha).

I guess it's when you don't feel very strong emotions or always want to be around a friend/friends. I like my friends and they're great people, but I don't really want to be around them all the time or always cling alongside them. I just really prefer being alone and left in peace and serenity.

It's pretty hard to explain, but while I do care about my friends and family, I don't feel a strong urge to be around them or have anything more but meetups and short chats every few months or so.

I also don't get lonely. It's really strange, but it's a rather foreign emotion to me. You could leave me alone with game consoles, my phone, laptop, food & water and I'd probably thrive without the need for human interaction.

Yeah, that sounds really familiar. I didn't really seek out my current friendships and although I do like them I don't really feel an urge to do things with them often.

I always assumed that and not getting lonely was just introversion though.