The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[Rainy Robin]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you found this community. 🍰
 

21 minutes ago, Dragon Bon said:

Am I too young to question these sorts of things?

No, you're not too young at all! And however you decide to identify is completely valid, no matter your age. Identity is a deeply personal thing, and you know better than anyone else when it comes to how you identify. 

 

Regarding relationships, it's totally normal to not want them (no matter your age) for whatever reason. But if you think you may not want a relationship because you're aromantic then I recommend you read the experiences of aros and talk with them to get a sense of how your experiences may be similar to theirs. In my experience, this is by far the best way to figure out if you're aro. This forum has some good resources, but I'd also recommend you check out arocalypse.com because that sight is more specifically about aromanticism and there are some good topics you should read there (mainly the "You might be aro if..." thread). And if the pan label appeals to you in some way, it might be useful to check out the angled/oriented aroace identity because that might help explain things more clearly. 

 

Also, feel free to reach out if you ever need some support! This community is here for you  

 

 

[GuildedGoblin]

So I am not interested in n being in a relationship but I love watching other people in relationships real or fictional is that still aro?

[will123]

29 minutes ago, GuildedGoblin said:

So I am not interested in n being in a relationship but I love watching other people in relationships real or fictional is that still aro?

Would that be described as 'people watching'?

[GuildedGoblin]

15 minutes ago, will123 said:

Would that be described as 'people watching'?

Maybe?  I have a strong desire for people to succeed in their endevers especially if it is romantic

[will123]

1 minute ago, GuildedGoblin said:

I have a strong desire for people to succeed in their endevers especially if it is romantic

In discussing my asexuality with a friend I told them that I'm not against sex, I just have no interest in it. The same would go for romance. It's just not for me, but if others feel so inclined, it's not for me to say anything.

[GuildedGoblin]

 

2 minutes ago, will123 said:

In discussing my asexuality with a friend I told them that I'm not against sex, I just have no interest in it. The same would go for romance. It's just not for me, but if others feel so inclined, it's not for me to say anything.

The best way I can think to describe how I feel is a from an anime.

"Some people play have ball and others are content watching from the stands both parties are equally invested in the out come. The same can be said for relationships"

Personally I am in the stands

[spooky_moss]

On 3/29/2021 at 11:28 AM, GuildedGoblin said:

So I am not interested in n being in a relationship but I love watching other people in relationships real or fictional is that still aro?

You can definitely enjoy the idea of romance, and enjoy watching romantic relationships, while still being aro! If you yourself don't feel romantic attraction to others, you are aro, regardless of your feelings about romance itself 😊

[Raindrops]

On 3/29/2021 at 4:28 PM, GuildedGoblin said:

So I am not interested in n being in a relationship but I love watching other people in relationships real or fictional is that still aro?

Sure, I'm the same. 😀 I love writing romance myself.

[ally31098]

I had a thought recently. Fot a lot of people, it seems to me like their aromanticism follows through or gets discovered after their asexuality. To me, it was the other way around. I didn't feel all that pressured to form a relationship in my teens - in fact, i was scared to have one. But since i still liked physical contact and sex was always a, let's say interesting and kind of intriguing topic for me, asexuality actually occurred to me later that aromanticism.

For a long time I thought I was just pan bc my indifference to any person read to me as "I don't care what kind of gender my partner is going to be, so I must be pan" - When in fact it was actually not being interested in anyone romantically or sexually. And since I still leaned on sex-positive and do find some people attractive it was a lot easier to accept the aromantic side. Only recently I've started to accept that I'm probably just aroace - although I'm still not 100% sure about that...

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences or was it more the other way around for anyone?

 

[iyote]

For me it was always connected, I never had an interest in either romance or sex.  I technically figured out I was asexual first, but that's only because I heard the term first, and I interpreted it to mean aroace because I'd never heard of the split attraction model.  I already knew I was disinterested in relationships though.  

[Yuki_801]

On 3/29/2021 at 1:22 PM, GuildedGoblin said:

 

The best way I can think to describe how I feel is a from an anime.

"Some people play have ball and others are content watching from the stands both parties are equally invested in the out come. The same can be said for relationships"

Personally I am in the stands

 

Woow! That's a very good phrase! What anime is it from? 

It reminded me of a phrase that I like a lot from an anime called Welcome to the NHK: “romantic love is a trap to expand the capitalist system”. XD

 

 

On 4/30/2021 at 10:47 AM, ally31098 said:

I had a thought recently. Fot a lot of people, it seems to me like their aromanticism follows through or gets discovered after their asexuality. To me, it was the other way around. I didn't feel all that pressured to form a relationship in my teens - in fact, i was scared to have one. But since i still liked physical contact and sex was always a, let's say interesting and kind of intriguing topic for me, asexuality actually occurred to me later that aromanticism.

For a long time I thought I was just pan bc my indifference to any person read to me as "I don't care what kind of gender my partner is going to be, so I must be pan" - When in fact it was actually not being interested in anyone romantically or sexually. And since I still leaned on sex-positive and do find some people attractive it was a lot easier to accept the aromantic side. Only recently I've started to accept that I'm probably just aroace - although I'm still not 100% sure about that...

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences or was it more the other way around for anyone?

 

With me it was something like iyote described. The two things were connected and I never had any interest in them. But as a teenager I was a little confused, as I still didn't know the term "asexual" I didn't know how to define myself, but I started to realize that I was not heterosexual (as I used to define myself), but I was also sure that I was not homo, until I found the word "panssexual" and I spent some time under that label. It was perfect for me because I realized that I felt "some kind of attraction" for any gender, but nothing strong to be a sexual or romantic attraction. (I still didn't want anything with anyone). Until the day I met the term asexual and then part of the things fell into place. I also didn’t know about the split attraction model, and how I felt aesthetic and sensual attraction for all genders (for what I thought was beautiful, idols), I thought I was panromantic (cause' I felt that my sexual attraction was not directed towards any specific gender)... It was only a few years later that I began to study the term aromantic to realize that this was how I felt more than the panromantic. (Since I don't fall in love and I don't want to be in a romantic relationship either.) 

On page two of this topic (I was reading today) there is a similar discussion. A user said something that I identified with a lot:

 

"My romantic orientation took longer to figure out that my sexuality or gender identity. For a while, I thought that I might be panromantic, just because I didn't seem to have a preference between genders. The same reason a lot of aces seem to initially suspect that they are bi - disinterest can be mistaken for extremely low interest in all available options."

 

(P.S: Sorry for my broken english, i don't know much english but i wish i could participate. 🙁)

 

 

 

[Noodom]

Most likely an aromantic here. it took me a long time to accept that as my label but reading these posts kinda solidified my suspensions. I've never had any romantic interests or romantic partners, I think I refused my aromantism for as long as I did since I do feel sexual attraction. And I guess part of me wanted to believe the ppl around me, the ya know "you just haven't found the right guy" bit. But recently, I had a falling out with a close platonic friend and I couldn't understand why, at first I thought they were just overbearing or emotionally draining. I realized tho that a few weeks beforehand I started to act out without wanting to, getting angry at them for any little reason, just easily irritated. They were the kind of person that enjoyed cuddling and they would regularly ask me to cuddle or kiss them on the cheek. And I would, out of some strange guilt, but I knew deep down I was so disinterested and uncomfortable with it. I just wanted to hang out an have fun but it started to feel as if I was getting pressured into being romantic. I saw no other choice, I set my boundaries, they denied that they ever wanted more from me than friendship. That didn't sit right with me, after a while they told me to forget the whole thing, to pretend I never knew them. 

[GuildedGoblin]

On 5/10/2021 at 3:25 AM, Yuki_801 said:

 

Woow! That's a very good phrase! What anime is it from? 

It reminded me of a phrase that I like a lot from an anime called Welcome to the NHK: “romantic love is a trap to expand the capitalist system”. XD

 

 

With me it was something like iyote described. The two things were connected and I never had any interest in them. But as a teenager I was a little confused, as I still didn't know the term "asexual" I didn't know how to define myself, but I started to realize that I was not heterosexual (as I used to define myself), but I was also sure that I was not homo, until I found the word "panssexual" and I spent some time under that label. It was perfect for me because I realized that I felt "some kind of attraction" for any gender, but nothing strong to be a sexual or romantic attraction. (I still didn't want anything with anyone). Until the day I met the term asexual and then part of the things fell into place. I also didn’t know about the split attraction model, and how I felt aesthetic and sensual attraction for all genders (for what I thought was beautiful, idols), I thought I was panromantic (cause' I felt that my sexual attraction was not directed towards any specific gender)... It was only a few years later that I began to study the term aromantic to realize that this was how I felt more than the panromantic. (Since I don't fall in love and I don't want to be in a romantic relationship either.) 

On page two of this topic (I was reading today) there is a similar discussion. A user said something that I identified with a lot:

 

"My romantic orientation took longer to figure out that my sexuality or gender identity. For a while, I thought that I might be panromantic, just because I didn't seem to have a preference between genders. The same reason a lot of aces seem to initially suspect that they are bi - disinterest can be mistaken for extremely low interest in all available options."

 

(P.S: Sorry for my broken english, i don't know much english but i wish i could participate. 🙁

 

It is from an anime called bloom into you

[Yuki_801]

1 hour ago, GuildedGoblin said:

It is from an anime called bloom into you

Oh! I know this anime! Now i want to see even more. Thank you! 😍

[Zagadka]

3 hours ago, Noodom said:

Most likely an aromantic here. it took me a long time to accept that as my label but reading these posts kinda solidified my suspensions. I've never had any romantic interests or romantic partners, I think I refused my aromantism for as long as I did since I do feel sexual attraction. And I guess part of me wanted to believe the ppl around me, the ya know "you just haven't found the right guy" bit. But recently, I had a falling out with a close platonic friend and I couldn't understand why, at first I thought they were just overbearing or emotionally draining. I realized tho that a few weeks beforehand I started to act out without wanting to, getting angry at them for any little reason, just easily irritated. They were the kind of person that enjoyed cuddling and they would regularly ask me to cuddle or kiss them on the cheek. And I would, out of some strange guilt, but I knew deep down I was so disinterested and uncomfortable with it. I just wanted to hang out an have fun but it started to feel as if I was getting pressured into being romantic. I saw no other choice, I set my boundaries, they denied that they ever wanted more from me than friendship. That didn't sit right with me, after a while they told me to forget the whole thing, to pretend I never knew them. 

Welcome!

 

It is always very awkward when someone starts pushing into your boundaries, and so hard to get them understand... I'm sorry it got to the point that you felt like you had to end the friendship.

[Yuki_801]

4 hours ago, Noodom said:

Most likely an aromantic here. it took me a long time to accept that as my label but reading these posts kinda solidified my suspensions. I've never had any romantic interests or romantic partners, I think I refused my aromantism for as long as I did since I do feel sexual attraction. And I guess part of me wanted to believe the ppl around me, the ya know "you just haven't found the right guy" bit. But recently, I had a falling out with a close platonic friend and I couldn't understand why, at first I thought they were just overbearing or emotionally draining. I realized tho that a few weeks beforehand I started to act out without wanting to, getting angry at them for any little reason, just easily irritated. They were the kind of person that enjoyed cuddling and they would regularly ask me to cuddle or kiss them on the cheek. And I would, out of some strange guilt, but I knew deep down I was so disinterested and uncomfortable with it. I just wanted to hang out an have fun but it started to feel as if I was getting pressured into being romantic. I saw no other choice, I set my boundaries, they denied that they ever wanted more from me than friendship. That didn't sit right with me, after a while they told me to forget the whole thing, to pretend I never knew them. 

Welcome! I'm also new here, but I'm loving reading the debates!

 

Wow what a boring situation. But I identified with what you wrote! I lost almost all of my male friends when it became clear that we would not be evolve into a in a romantic relationship. But what can I say about them? I don't even know if we can call this "friend". (And I was never good at keeping female friends). 

 

And... That's ONE of the reasons why I don't see any point in dating. I don't like people coming too close to me (nobody) or touching my face. It is really uncomfortable.

 

A while ago I went to a friend's house, I can say that he is my best friend, the friend that I have kept for the longest time. And I don't mind hugging people or doing something like that. But that day we went out on the street and he asked me to go hand in hand... I did it but after a short while I released. The reason was that I felt, very strange, very uncomfortable. I've been thinking about it ever since. I mean, I love my friend, so why? Ironically, I don't feel that way when I go hand in hand with my sister or my mother. So I thought it was because I didn't want people to look and think that we were boyfriend and girlfriend? Although the street was deserted... 🤔 Is it because I know he has feelings for me? (Although he currently denies!)

 

Was it a problem with me? Or what would others think? I am a person who does not really care about the opinion of others but when it gets to this point I tend to be too bothered! I just don't want people to misinterpret that I'm dating. But why is this so important?

 

For a long time I was very close to my cousin. And when we went out, people always confused us as a couple (boyfriend and girlfriend), it always disturbed me. I thought "is it because we are a girl and a boy? But we couldn't be brothers? We are even physically similar ... If we had the same sex, would people still think that? Why are people so fast to conclusions about dating when are you a girlxboy couple? It always intrigued me, (especially when I was younger).

 

Your testimony made me reflect on my experiences, sorry for my bad english.

 

[Thujaplicata]

Really random, but I just realized something. (I'm demiromantic and only figured that out fairly recently.)

But I suddenly remembered - 

When I was about 8 my friend (much more social than I) told me she had a "crush." Now, I don't know if it was real or childhood games or what, but at the time I was so confused and highly skeptical. I also didn't get why she cared. Now I'm wondering if that had anything to do with being on the aro spectrum. She's a very romantic and sexual person and while 7 was probably too young for that to be manifesting - maybe??? - it's kind of funny to think about.

Years later my little sister lamented to me about how she had a crush on this boy that she didn't like, but she liked and I was so confused. I was sympathetic, but certainly didn't get it. 

[Karst]

Sometimes I feel like close friends are blowing me off in favour of their romantic partners.  For instance, I ran into a friend of mine while getting lunch the other day.  She had her girlfriend with her, so I didn't sit with them, because I didn't want to interrupt her date.  Still, she didn't even introduce me to her GF.

I'm probably making too big a deal out of this, but I just find it a little weird that she seems to keep her romantic relationships so... walled off... from her circle of friends.  Is she embarrassed to have me around?  I feel like a pet that's been put in the kitchen with a baby gate while a party's going on.

[firebird8]

6 hours ago, Karst said:

Sometimes I feel like close friends are blowing me off in favour of their romantic partners.  For instance, I ran into a friend of mine while getting lunch the other day.  She had her girlfriend with her, so I didn't sit with them, because I didn't want to interrupt her date.  Still, she didn't even introduce me to her GF.

I'm probably making too big a deal out of this, but I just find it a little weird that she seems to keep her romantic relationships so... walled off... from her circle of friends.  Is she embarrassed to have me around?  I feel like a pet that's been put in the kitchen with a baby gate while a party's going on.

Some people are obsessed with their romantic partners and kind of drop out of friends groups when they get into relationships. It's not very healthy, long term, and in my experience, people tend to do it less as they get older, especially if they're in longer term relationships and especially if they aren't focused on traditional family roles with children. It's ok to feel like it's weird and rude. In my experience, my allo friends think the same when we have friends that get like that. 

[will123]

2 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Some people are obsessed with their romantic partners and kind of drop out of friends groups when they get into relationships. It's not very healthy, long term, and in my experience, people tend to do it less as they get older, especially if they're in longer term relationships and especially if they aren't focused on traditional family roles with children. It's ok to feel like it's weird and rude. In my experience, my allo friends think the same when we have friends that get like that. 

I had a friend that I've known since the 80s, ghost us a couple of years ago after his partner moved into his house (they had started seeing each other about six months prior). As far as I know this is the only relationship he's ever been in. She was his late father's PSW. My friend lived with his father and I think he's replaced him with her. I was talking to a couple of mutual friends and we agreed that he'd better watch out as it's likely he has no idea in how to deal with things. I said to my one friend, "I think Cathy (his sister) and I have been out together doing more things over the years (and she's lived in western Canada since 1988) than Al ever did before meeting his friend".

 

I have to be careful when people ask me about him as they know I was a close friend. I tend to wind up ranting about it. I'm not sure if it's 'aro me' or 'logical me' causing this.

[firebird8]

1 minute ago, will123 said:

I had a friend that I've known since the 80s, ghost us a couple of years ago after his partner moved into his house (they had started seeing each other about six months prior). As far as I know this is the only relationship he's ever been in. She was his late father's PSW. My friend lived with his father and I think he's replaced him with her. I was talking to a couple of mutual friends and we agreed that he'd better watch out as it's likely he has no idea in how to deal with things. I said to my one friend, "I think Cathy (his sister) and I have been out together doing more things over the years (and she's lived in western Canada since 1988) than Al ever did before meeting his friend".

 

I have to be careful when people ask me about him as they know I was a close friend. I tend to wind up ranting about it. I'm not sure if it's 'aro me' or 'logical me' causing this.

Yeah, that sounds classically codependent to me (I am not a psychologist and obv not qualified to actually judge, LOL). My mother is the same way, she can't be alone and always finds someone to live with her and be her focus, which isn't great because she picks really terrible people a lot of the time, or else it just turns toxic even with reasonable people. And she's the very epitome of codependent.

 

What is PSW? 

 

I've learned to hold friendships loosely. They don't stay forever. I've decided maybe that's ok. I had a close friend basically ghost at the beginning of the pandemic because she started dating someone and I'm worried her girlfriend isn't great for her, but I managed to not be terribly hurt. She didn't promise to be close with me forever after all. 

[firebird8]

Sorry, I feel like I sound insufferable. I don't mean to be. I'm just reflecting. 

[will123]

1 minute ago, firebird8 said:

Yeah, that sounds classically codependent to me (I am not a psychologist and obv not qualified to actually judge, LOL). My mother is the same way, she can't be alone and always finds someone to live with her and be her focus, which isn't great because she picks really terrible people a lot of the time, or else it just turns toxic even with reasonable people. And she's the very epitome of codependent.

 

What is PSW? 

 

I've learned to hold friendships loosely. They don't stay forever. I've decided maybe that's ok. I had a close friend basically ghost at the beginning of the pandemic because she started dating someone and I'm worried her girlfriend isn't great for her, but I managed to not be terribly hurt. She didn't promise to be close with me forever after all. 

Personal Support Worker. His father was bed ridden.

 

We figure she may be aware of certain financial things that she shouldn't be. The father and his sister owned 40 acres of prime 'development' property north of Toronto. It was sold and the proceeds would be divvied up. I imagine it would've easily sold for high six figures if not in to the seven figure bracket.

 

Like I said, he had his buddies but never had any girls that were friends in his social circle. Heck me the 'undiagnosed' aro ace enjoyed having girls and women as friends over the years.

[firebird8]

Ohhh that does sound concerning. :/ 

 

[will123]

16 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Ohhh that does sound concerning. :/ 

 

Oh and she's divorced with three adult children and four grand children...

 

 

You'll like this. The last time I was at his house Labour Day weekend in 2019 (picking him up for a race weekend in the US), I noticed different furniture that had replaced the furniture that had always been in the living room. He obviously noticed my reaction and said, 'Oh it's Maureen's stuff. I figured if she was spending a lot of time here, there was no need for her to be spending a grand a month on apartment rent...'

 

(Insert image of me thinking about facepalming myself)

[firebird8]

I remember once an acquaintance telling me that she was talking about marriage with someone she has been dating for 3 weeks. She had only known them that long too! How does that even come up so fast? It takes me weeks to figure out how to make friends with someone. 

[will123]

6 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

I remember once an acquaintance telling me that she was talking about marriage with someone she has been dating for 3 weeks. She had only known them that long too! How does that even come up so fast? It takes me weeks to figure out how to make friends with someone. 

Reminds me of some of the 'celebrity marriages' we have to endure hearing about on the news...

[will123]

I had forgot all about this song and didn't realise jane Child was born and grew up in Toronto.

 

 

I wondered about the Toronto Maple Leaf jersey she was wearing at 2:00 and checked Wiki about where she was from. I don't ever recall it ever being said when the song was on the charts back in the 90s.

[Kroete]

I'm so aromantic, if there would be a big red button I could press that would allow me to instantly experience love, romance, romantic attraction or anything like that I would throw it into the fire and let it burn to ashes!

 

Romance is just not my thing, thank you very much.

[SlowSpud]

I originally thought I was pan because I had no preference what so ever. but then I was asked out and I said yes, to then realise that I’ve never actually liked anyone only gone hey they like me, maybe we’ll end up dating I guess I’ll like them, but never actually liked them. I then realised the reason I have zero preference and everyone is equal across the board was because maybe there wasn’t a board in the first place and everyone is last place equal. I’m still questioning though because I might just have never met someone I actually have romantic interest in. I like the idea of a relationship but not the idea of being in one with an actual person. (This might make absolutely zero sense.)