The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[uniQChick]

1 hour ago, Slajmy said:

2 hours ago, uniQChick said:

What about the tenderness/affection shown to you? 🤔

How do you mean?

The answer to this question I will provide after you put into practice what I said in the previous post.

[KayAce]

I'm asexual and aromantic but I'm still not sure about the aromantic part. If the two guys I had a crush on were actually crushes I might be greyromantic. If not I'm just aromantic. I also got demiromantic a lot on quizzes but I've never had a close bond with anyone to know. 

[carrot_cake]

Hi, this is my first time on any sort of online forum so I'm a little nervous. I'm certainly asexual, of that I have no doubt but I'm not sure if I am aromantic or not. I have been in one relationship, where my partner repeated professed their love for me, and I did not feel the same. I hadn't fully realized I was asexual at the time, which may have been the reason I wasn't able to love him back. At the end of the relationship, I realized that what I wanted was a best friend who put me first and was willing to cuddle, but the cuddling made me uncomfortable because there always felt like there was a sexual aspect to it. I have had crushes on guys, although I have fewer and fewer of those as I get older (I'm in college). I have never felt romantic love and apart from the rare crush, I haven't felt any romantic feelings in general. I think I might be aromantic but I also think that maybe I just haven't met the right person yet? I know I shouldn't base this off of only one experience, but it's been over four years since then and I have no other frame of reference. Am I aromantic? How do I know? Are there others who have had the same experience? 

[DeadlyPan]

Hi, I am also very new to this kind of online forum and haven’t really had any interaction with people similar to me. Seeing your post made me want to share some of my own experiences that might be of some help to you. First of all, I want to clarify that I am only aromantic and not also asexual which in a way have been really annoying (I have had a hard time to differentiate between sexual and platonic from romantic attraction). Second of all, it wasn’t a long time ago since I came to the conclusion that I am indeed aromantic.

to the point, I think the decision that if you are also aromantic or not can only be made by you. But It’s not like the decision will change anything in the end. It’s the same for me. I consider my self aromantic but if I would one day would find myself romantically attracted to someone, I would just think to my self “guess I am not aromantic”. Throughout my life I have had 0 crushes and I never really liked spending time with the one I

“liked”. In the end, it would just be another case of me thinking sexual or platonic attraction was romantic attraction (I think the reason I have problem differentiating the two is because I literally never experienced romantic attraction).

My advise is to not feel pressured because you haven’t had any romantic experiences for a long time. If you don’t feel romantic attraction to anyone then that is just how it is, there is also no reason to get into any relationships. No person would in the end get into a serious romantic relationship if they weren’t certain they liked the other party.

 

I don’t know if this was of any help because it was very personalised and only things from my perspective, it was also not really the thing you asked for. I either way hope that you find someone with a similar situation to yours just so there is a more suitable person to answer your questions.

[will123]

A suggestion for the aro theme song?

 

Spoiler

 

 

[RedJeanne]

So I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might be aro, based on the fact that I've never felt romantic attraction towards anybody, nor the desire to be in a relationship.

And here we go again, I feel sad about it, just like I did when I first realised I was ace. Because it feels like yet another thing that separates me from most people, another "weird thing" about me that I'll have to painstakingly explain or keep quiet about.

I'm sure I'll come around eventually (just like I did about being ace), I know accepting yourself is ultimately a good thing, but just saying, right now, it feels bad, and I needed to say that somewhere

[carrot_cake]

On 5/25/2022 at 11:24 AM, DeadlyPan said:

Hi, I am also very new to this kind of online forum and haven’t really had any interaction with people similar to me. Seeing your post made me want to share some of my own experiences that might be of some help to you. First of all, I want to clarify that I am only aromantic and not also asexual which in a way have been really annoying (I have had a hard time to differentiate between sexual and platonic from romantic attraction). Second of all, it wasn’t a long time ago since I came to the conclusion that I am indeed aromantic.

to the point, I think the decision that if you are also aromantic or not can only be made by you. But It’s not like the decision will change anything in the end. It’s the same for me. I consider my self aromantic but if I would one day would find myself romantically attracted to someone, I would just think to my self “guess I am not aromantic”. Throughout my life I have had 0 crushes and I never really liked spending time with the one I

“liked”. In the end, it would just be another case of me thinking sexual or platonic attraction was romantic attraction (I think the reason I have problem differentiating the two is because I literally never experienced romantic attraction).

My advise is to not feel pressured because you haven’t had any romantic experiences for a long time. If you don’t feel romantic attraction to anyone then that is just how it is, there is also no reason to get into any relationships. No person would in the end get into a serious romantic relationship if they weren’t certain they liked the other party.

 

I don’t know if this was of any help because it was very personalised and only things from my perspective, it was also not really the thing you asked for. I either way hope that you find someone with a similar situation to yours just so there is a more suitable person to answer your questions.

This was helpful! I appreciate your response, it is nice to hear of experiences from people figuring stuff out. You're definitely right, it is something only I can decide. I really appreciate you pointing out that I don't need to label anything. I guess I just assumed I should. Thank you for responding, I am slightly less nervous now!

[will123]

Finding out I was ace came much sooner (relatively speaking) than knowing I was aro. I was 44 when I found out about asexuality. It wasn't until I was in my 50s that I signed up on AVEN. Eventually I looked into what aro and aromantic meant. 'Oh my I've been that since I was a teenager!'

[BeADreamer]

On 5/24/2022 at 7:51 PM, carrot_cake said:

Hi, this is my first time on any sort of online forum so I'm a little nervous. I'm certainly asexual, of that I have no doubt but I'm not sure if I am aromantic or not. I have been in one relationship, where my partner repeated professed their love for me, and I did not feel the same. I hadn't fully realized I was asexual at the time, which may have been the reason I wasn't able to love him back. At the end of the relationship, I realized that what I wanted was a best friend who put me first and was willing to cuddle, but the cuddling made me uncomfortable because there always felt like there was a sexual aspect to it. I have had crushes on guys, although I have fewer and fewer of those as I get older (I'm in college). I have never felt romantic love and apart from the rare crush, I haven't felt any romantic feelings in general. I think I might be aromantic but I also think that maybe I just haven't met the right person yet? I know I shouldn't base this off of only one experience, but it's been over four years since then and I have no other frame of reference. Am I aromantic? How do I know? Are there others who have had the same experience? 

Hi! I’m also ace, and I consider myself to be gray-aro because I have had one crush in my life, and no more. My situation could also be considered cupioromantic because I always wanted to have a romantic relationship, I just never had romantic feelings for anyone (besides that one guy in middle school, and I’m in grad school now). To me it just made sense that I was on the aro spectrum when I actually started to think about it, but I think it took me so long to actually consider it because of that one crush. Only you can decide if and where you fall on the spectrum, but from what you’ve said, I’d suggest looking at gray- identities.

[carrot_cake]

On 5/31/2022 at 9:05 AM, BeADreamer said:

Hi! I’m also ace, and I consider myself to be gray-aro because I have had one crush in my life, and no more. My situation could also be considered cupioromantic because I always wanted to have a romantic relationship, I just never had romantic feelings for anyone (besides that one guy in middle school, and I’m in grad school now). To me it just made sense that I was on the aro spectrum when I actually started to think about it, but I think it took me so long to actually consider it because of that one crush. Only you can decide if and where you fall on the spectrum, but from what you’ve said, I’d suggest looking at gray- identities.

Thank you for responding! I think you are right, seeing as I have had crushes in the past. I might be cupioromantic as well, since I have also always wanted to be in a romantic relationship. I sometimes forget it is a spectrum, and looking at grey romantic seems to fit best with how I feel. Thank you for your advice, it's really nice to talk to people who have such similar experiences since I don't know anyone like that irl. 

[Scylactic]

Is feeling ambiguous about which gender(s) someone is romantically attracted to a thing? Because I feel like I don't know at all, which is why I just stick with demiromantic since that makes the most sense to me: I only know how I am able to feel romantic attraction but not who I am romantically attracted to. Does this make sense?

[BeADreamer]

On 6/1/2022 at 12:27 PM, carrot_cake said:

Thank you for responding! I think you are right, seeing as I have had crushes in the past. I might be cupioromantic as well, since I have also always wanted to be in a romantic relationship. I sometimes forget it is a spectrum, and looking at grey romantic seems to fit best with how I feel. Thank you for your advice, it's really nice to talk to people who have such similar experiences since I don't know anyone like that irl. 

You’re welcome! Yeah, it can be easy to forget sometimes. I’m actually in a romantic relationship now and I do love my partner in the way I’m capable of, but sometimes I doubt where I land on the spectrum because of it - until other people start talking about butterflies and how much they love making out and other stuff, and I’m reminded that I’ve never felt that. Basically, I forget how different my relationship is from the “typical” romantic relationship until I hear other people talking about theirs. But I’m definitely glad I could help!

[gndrqrd]

On 6/3/2022 at 12:15 AM, Scylactic said:

Is feeling ambiguous about which gender(s) someone is romantically attracted to a thing? Because I feel like I don't know at all, which is why I just stick with demiromantic since that makes the most sense to me: I only know how I am able to feel romantic attraction but not who I am romantically attracted to. Does this make sense?

I've seen people who feel like that and use pan/bi to describe themselves.

[Lilibulero]

I'm not a romantic person, but I really appreciate practical things.

[aaa333]

On 1/20/2014 at 2:43 PM, byanyotherusername said:

I go back and forth about the platonic partner issue. Maybe?

On the one hand, I love living alone. On the other hand, there are things I love about living with other people--I'm in a roommate situation now and it is nice to be able to go out into the living room and have someone to cuddle on the couch without even having to change out of my pajamas or be fully awake to converse, haha. My ideal would probably be some kind of very independent type of communal living, like having adjoining apartments with someone, or like cohousing where everyone has their own building on the same property, and then there is one communal space where people go to hang out...I have always imagined these types of communities as fluid, though, with some lifers, and some members who come and go (and that I could at any point be one of them). None of them would specifically be my committed partner(s).

The only type of life-long commitment I feel like I can make to someone is an emotional one...Agreements to eternally share large amounts of time and space freak me out. XD But, theoretically, a platonic partner could be simply an emotional commitment to rely on each other for primary emotional support/companionship. I might live or spend lots of time with such a person at certain periods in our lives, but neither of those things would be defining or necessary features of the relationship. A platonic partnership with that kind of premise I think I could handle, in some ways it sounds ideal.

i like the idea of this!! i struggle with the fact I most likely won't have that life long partnership thing because just seeing everyone get romantic partners and just the feeling that i get left and just not having solid long lasting freindships. I just don't want to be lonely but im okay with being alone. I think the whole emotional commitment but not spave/or space bc like yes I would love to stay just attached on a emotional level and honestly I probably mostly do with my friends but just a commited platonic partnership is all I need to be/feel loved. Anyone else deal with the issue about worrying friends will leave and be left alone while being on the aro spectrum??!!? 

[Naali]

Kinda just wondering how appropriate it is to ask someone if they like you. Google wants to go with, "If you like someone, how do you ask them if they like you/them out" or "drop them a hint you like them" and I'm over here like, 😐 I kinda just want to be closer or potential qpr/life partner.

[quoifish]

oops,, didn’t mean to put that garlic bread there

Edited July 14, 2022 by quoifish

[quoifish]

7 minutes ago, quoifish said:

Do any of you identify with xenogenders? I’m learning about it and I like to have more perspective.

[Error300]

I've been questioning some things... while I'm not fully ruling out that I might be somewhere on the ace spectrum for now I'll assume I'm just a confused allo. When it comes to romantic orientation though I think I am sure that I'm on the aro spectrum. While insecurity may be part of it, not sure how it relates to my sexual orientation and have never been in a relationship before I've always felt a bit different when it comes to romance stuff. I do enjoy it in media, it can be very sweet to see a cute couple but I could never see myself in one honestly.

I have had crushes and squishes and think I know the difference. I have had crushes, I've only had crushes on women but the only instances of crushes happening only has occured when I knew the person for a while (this might've been a colleague, a classmate, an aquintance or a friend). The deeper the connection the stronger the crush became. So I feel like demiromatic is a label that fits me but I'm not really sure if it's accurate....

[notactuallymerida]

Okay, this might sound like a very dumb question, but what is romantic attraction actually? I’m very sure I’m asexual because I’m also sex-repulsed, but I don’t really know anymore about my romantic orientation (I don’t think that I’m alloromantic, but idk I could be demiromantic?!)

What’s the difference between queerplatonic/really strong platonic attraction and romantic attraction? 

Is "I want to spend my life with someone and miss them when they’re not there and instantly feel better when they’re around and would feel incredibly jealous if they were in a relationship" romantic attraction? 

[will123]

@notactuallymerida Looking back at my life, especially in my teens and 20s, I never felt the inclination to date. It was like I had better things to do with my time.

[notactuallymerida]

@will123Did you never feel like you wanted to spend your life with a special person? I also couldn’t care less about dating and don’t think stuff like "Wow, I would totally date this random person/person I just met a few weeks or months ago." 

[Thujaplicata]

@notactuallymerida

There have been so many posts here trying to figure out what romantic attraction is...

For me it came down to "do I want to call this affection romantic?" My answer was yes. 

A few questions you may consider: how close do you want to be to this person you want to know forever? Like, next door neighbors and best friends? Sharing a house? Sharing a room?

 

And there are also QPRs to consider in case you're not confused enough...

 

The jealousy part makes me think romantic attraction, or at least a desire for an exclusive relationship. But it's all incredibly nebulous and individual. 

 

I myself am very, very demiromantic. Romantic feelings once for my now girlfriend and no hint otherwise. And the time it took me to figure out I had a crush...absurd. 

[will123]

Nope. In my 20s when all of my social circle was getting engaged/married I never had any thoughts of doing the same.

[notactuallymerida]

@ThujaplicataWell, I’d love to share a house or flat and maybe even a room. What I absolutely don’t want is someone constantly showering me with kisses and hugs. Doesn’t mean I don’t want any kind of physical affection though. Just not too often and not too much (like exccessive cuddling or more than maybe a little kiss on the lips.) I’m aware of QPRs and honestly, they sound amazing (is it possible to have some kind of monogamous QPR?) 

It would totally have to be an exclusive relationship. But idk about the romantic part. I mean, an asexual could very easily get jealous if their partner had sex with someone, even though they have no desire to have sex themselves (I know that there are people who would be fine with it.)

 

How long did it take you to develop romantic feelings? 

 

 

[Thujaplicata]

@notactuallymerida My impression was that QPRs are usually exclusive. Different people like different things, so I'm pretty sure the dream relationship you described could be romantic to one and queer platonic to another. Eventually I think it just becomes a matter of what you want to call it. 

 

How long for me to develop romantic feelings? Well... I'm pretty sure it was somewhere between five and eight years of knowing her? I don't really know, because then it took me forever to identify those feelings. I didn't figure all that out until after nine years of knowing her and about eight years of friendship.

[Thujaplicata]

I'm happy with my girlfriend right now, but I was just randomly thinking about what if we weren't together? What if I wasn't dating anyone? Would I look for a relationship? While I think I'd be open to one, I don't think I'd look for one. 

I just can't imagine looking for a romantic partner. So long as I had a group of friends and a few who were down for some platonic cuddling on a couch every now and then or something, I don't think I'd need more. Who knows - I certainly don't!

[will123]

2 minutes ago, Thujaplicata said:

I'm happy with my girlfriend right now, but I was just randomly thinking about what if we weren't together? What if I wasn't dating anyone? Would I look for a relationship? While I think I'd be open to one, I don't think I'd look for one. 

I just can't imagine looking for a romantic partner. So long as I had a group of friends and a few who were down for some platonic cuddling on a couch every now and then or something, I don't think I'd need more. Who knows - I certainly don't!

I don't have a girlfriend, but I understand where you're coming from. I met someone a couple of years before I found out about asexuality (and began to identify as ace). I haven't made any attempts to meet anyone since. That was almost 20 years go. I only found out what aro meant a few years ago,

[Muledeer]

On 8/29/2022 at 8:19 AM, will123 said:

Looking back at my life, especially in my teens and 20s, I never felt the inclination to date. It was like I had better things to do with my time.

Ya, I've always felt like dating was a burden.  Not something I haver chosen to engage in.

[Kimi_gata]

I don’t want to date/kiss, but I want a special friend. Like a roommate. I’m just going to call it alterous attraction.