Free2b Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hi Twinki - I absolutely agree with GoAskDad.. I do want to re-enforce this.. Asexuality has NO link to abuse! My husband is asexual and he is THEE kindest, most supportive and dedicated man I know. His asexualty defines his orientation, NOT his personality. That is why he is my lifemate. Yes, the asexuality is very challenging for us.. but the essence of who he is keeps up together. You MUST seperate his orientation from the man that he is. He seems abusive, narcisitic, and incapable of loving YOU. Keep expressing.. Keep absorbing the constructive comments of others.. And then, look yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself what an amazing person you are until you love yourself again.. Who takes care of him after you (some one will) is NOT your resonsibility. Help him for REAL by discontinuing YOUR part in enabling his every problem. And help YOURSELF by letting go of him and beginning healthy relationships with others. It is passed time to be proactive about your life.. Your probelms are not about your husband - they are about you. Take your pwoer back.. Take your life back. Nothing could help him more than than that. All The Best ~ Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Twinki, what I see is you continually discussing David and his problems. You've mentioned your daughter once, saying that she came to you in tears. Your daughter IS your responsibility. David is not. Again, I'll be blunt and do what we probably aren't supposed to do on AVEN: Get yourself and your daughter away from him, so that she will have a chance to live without that awful influence. What you do for yourself is very important; what you do for her is critical. You don't say how old she is but whether its 5 or 15, she's not learning anything good about relationships. Nor will she if you get an annulment and you and she still live with him. Ask yourself: if you hadn't been with him this long and simply walked into the house and talked with him AS HE IS, seeing him fresh, so to speak --- would you choose to subject yourself and your daughter to what he does and says? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Twinki, when you were divorced the first time from David and lived apart, you would have had ample opportunity to date other men and get loads of hugs and sex. Keeping in mind that you had been married a good many years without sex and were now free as a bird, what drew you back to David? You describe David's family as dysfunctional. Was there any aspect of your own family that could be described as dysfunctional? You said that the man who was invited over to play pool had molested his pregnant wife. How did you find out about this? Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Realistic husband Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 You seem to have, you and your husband, issues that come from way further than his asexuality, your couple doesn't seem solid anymore so ... Your husband doesn't seems to be aware of how hard you tried to be understanding with him. I think it is amazing that men with asexual wives just don't get their wives and should be more understanding. Women with asexual husbands have husbands that don't understand their needs. Husband/wife not doing it for you? Craigslist.com you can find plenty of people who will do it for you. To expect an asexual and an ultrasexual to have a healthy relationship is unrealistic, . Link to post Share on other sites
michaeld Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 I think it is amazing that men with asexual wives just don't get their wives and should be more understanding. Women with asexual husbands have husbands that don't understand their needs. Did you read Twinki's posts? Assuming she is representing the situation accurately (which I have no reason to doubt), there is much, much more to this than her husband's asexuality, as many have pointed out. I don't really think people would be reacting that differently here if the genders were reversed. Link to post Share on other sites
Realistic husband Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 I did red them, and although Twinks husband may have been more verbally abusive I think that part of that is simply how men/women communicate and women will be emotionally abusive without saying all types of nasty $hit. I would leave him if I were her, but I went through a lot of emotionally abusive crap before my wife and I finally figured out how to work things out. Basically as a man who wants sex you are just another guy who is 'horny all the time' and as a man who doesn't want to have sex you are 'cold and unfeeling towards your partner.' I am lucky in that my wife whom I adore and is the most amazing woman I know have figured stuff out, but TBH I would much rather have sex with my wife than my flings or lovers. Most friends that I know tell me 'you are so lucky' but I would much rather be faithful to one woman and have sex with the woman I relly love, Link to post Share on other sites
sips Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 I did red them, and although Twinks husband may have been more verbally abusive I think that part of that is simply how men/women communicate and women will be emotionally abusive without saying all types of nasty $hit. I would leave him if I were her, but I went through a lot of emotionally abusive crap before my wife and I finally figured out how to work things out. Basically as a man who wants sex you are just another guy who is 'horny all the time' and as a man who doesn't want to have sex you are 'cold and unfeeling towards your partner.' I am lucky in that my wife whom I adore and is the most amazing woman I know have figured stuff out, but TBH I would much rather have sex with my wife than my flings or lovers. Most friends that I know tell me 'you are so lucky' but I would much rather be faithful to one woman and have sex with the woman I relly love, I agree in much of what you want but I don't agree this is just a sex thing for twinky I mean, I think pretending to be something you're not to get married just to start judging your partner because she needs what you have tricked her to belive you also want, that's discusting. It doesn't matter what it is! It could be religion! If you pretend to be religious just to get married and then start telling your partner what a horrible thing religion is, that would be just the same. I also think there should be two people trying to adapt to their partner, not one damanding and one that always has to adjust. I've been in relationships like that myself and I really don't think this has to do with sex at all but with controling the other person. Sex is his way because he happens to be asexual? And yes, some people with Asperger can be like this; but not everyone! Please! Most of us are trying our best to be nice to other people and will be horrified if hurting someone unknowingly! WHat I say is being asexual is absolute no excuse for treating other people like shit. No way! If it was, I would be very emberassed of being asexual! Link to post Share on other sites
ZombiesxArexLove Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 i hate to say this, but i hear divorce. Usually i say talk it out, you have to have conversations and understandings and compromises with marriages. You did all those things, what sounds like many times. Your giving everything and he isn't doing the same, he is mean and nasty, he didn't tell you that he was asexual, he especially didn't tell you he was aromantic(sorry if he isn't i just guessed cause thats how he sounds). He just isn't working with you, this is technically a form of abuse that is a valid reason for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted September 30, 2010 Share Posted September 30, 2010 She had been divorced from him before yet went back to him. I mentioned his name to make it somewhat obvious that I had read her older posts. Things simply weren't jibing and I was curious to see how far she would go in painting him as the bad guy. In general, things usually come to a head with a co-dependent when their "sacrifices" are not acknowledged. This is not a sexuality incompatibility issue whatsoever. Of course, a co-dependent appreciates that strangers are recognizing the "sacrifices" and praising her, but when advice comes to leave the relationship, then a type of panic sets in with regards to breaking the co-dependency. I feel sorry for her and hope she gets the help she needs. Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Vermeulen Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Please please please get out of this situation. For your daughter, my mom and dad split up when I was ten. I thank god for that fact every day. The world always revolved around him and he didn't care about anyone else. Things were hard for us at first, the finances were tight and we were emotionally very hurt by the whole thing, but I would not be the strong person I am today if my mom was still being subservient to him. Please, he has already didsplayed that he is not a helthy person for you and your little girl. I'm not going to say that you don't have to put him first I am going to tell you, you need to put yourself first because if you are not happy and helthy mentaly and physicaly then you can not be the mom your little girl deserves. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that putting yourself down to build others up is not right. I have done it often enough myself and I know it never improved any situation. Please get out of there! Link to post Share on other sites
Goldfish Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Your husband sounds emotionally abusive. You shouldn't have to rescue him. Link to post Share on other sites
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