twinkidragon Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I have been married to my husband for so very long now... He is totally asexual... no hugging, no touching, no kissing, no physical contact from the moment we married. Before hand he was different. I had no clue he was asexual and he never explained. after we were married and hadn't consumated our marraige three weeks later I asked him what the problem was and he told me I was a (well he called me a lot of unkind names) and then he told me that all the married people in the world lived together without touching and were totally happy with it. I really have taken my vows seriously so I have tried. At first (before I even knew that asexuality even existed) I tried to reason with him ect...finally through much prayer I came to the conclusion that no matter how hard it was for me that everyone deserved to be loved for exactly who they are. So I accepted him totally .. but I was still confused as to why he was this way. Then I found AVEN and it all made sense. I even showed him the site and talked with him about it and made sure I explained that there was nothing wrong with him... It is just the way he is made... He is okay with being asexual and knows now that not everyone is. However... he just gets meaner and nastier to me. I don't ask for even a small hug... I do not try to touch him... nothing... yet he accuses me of all kinds of wrong doings... tonight when we were talking I did bring up how hard it has been to give up everything on my end. He said nothing... I half jokingly said ... hey .. don't I get any acknowledgement for doing this? He told me that he thought that it was nothing and didn't need any acknowledgement at all... it was just expected. I cannot begin to express how hurt and angry I feel now. My insides are just screaming. I couldn't have done more to be accepting and compromising and understanding and loyal. I mean that... I really couldn't have been... I seriously gave him everything he asked for and tried to always think of him first. And it is never ever enough. I understand that he will never ever love me. I got that message loud and clear and it isn't because of the no sex thing... it is purely because a person who loves someone is willing to put the other persons needs before thier own and not once has this occured. But I did believe that he at least appreciated the fact that I have given him so much. Out of his own mouth I now know that it was a false belief, I am just so hurt and so totally angry and completely stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
whitelime Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 You seem to have, you and your husband, issues that come from way further than his asexuality, your couple doesn't seem solid anymore so ... Your husband doesn't seems to be aware of how hard you tried to be understanding with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Hi Twinki!, I see that you have been posting on AVEN for 5 years!!!!! May I ask why you are married to David? Do you believe that all successful marriages require compromises and sacrifice? I'd really like to delve into this further unless you only wanted to rant as a cathartic move. *hugs* Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Twinki: Being mean and nasty does not equate with being asexual. Asexuals are no more often mean and nasty to their spouses than sexuals are. I'm not sure why you feel you must be accepting of that kind of treatment. Love doesn't necessarily mean that you put another before yourself, but it certainly means not treating them like you don't care about them. Other than the lack of sex, are you willing to stay married to someone who you feel doesn't love you and treats you very badly? If so, why? Link to post Share on other sites
jr1 Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I hope things get better for you Link to post Share on other sites
-V- Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Divorce him and move on/away. If he can't even acknowledge that you're giving up something now things aren't going to get any better. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hey Lucinda... I married David because I loved him and didn't know he was lying to me. Even after discovering the lies I still believe in my vows and my love for him and I came to understand why he lied (lies) to me so often. I just took a very long time to realize that even though I meant my vows, he never did and both parties must believe in the marriage before there is one. I do believe that ALL successful marriages require compromise and sacrifice. But I also now know that the comprimise and sacrifice cannot all be from just one of the partners. I really have been stupid. After I found out that he didn't feel anything more for me than a roommate I believed that if I could just love him enough that he would grow to love me. I do not hate David at all... I actually still love him and I also feel badly for him but I do not know if I can find it in myself anymore. I lived as an asexual for three years trying to understand him and his needs. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Now I just look back and cry for all I put myself through trying to make my marriage work when it didn't have a chance at all. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hi whitelime, Actually our issues all started with his asexuality. He actively lied to me before we married and even went so far as to have sex with me. (thank heavens for that because I concieved our daughter then) After the wedding he stopped. Completely. We have never consumated the marriage. When I asked why, he did tell me that he lied to me because he knew I wouldn't have married him otherwise. Then through his lack of understanding about sexuals he had a series of mishaps that destroyed my trust in him. I mean mishaps like inviting the man who molested his pregnant wife over for beers and a game of pool while I sat in the locked bedroom terrified. It wasn't that he was trying to scare me at all. It was simply that he had no idea why I would be frightened, but at the time I didn't know that either. The only time we are solid as a couple has been when I do all the understanding and ask for nothing. I don't know how to express this properly. I get hurt yes but I do not blame him for his lack of understanding. He is so lost in this sexual world. He has no understanding of what sexuals want or feel in any way. He behaves in ways that he believes will make other people like him and think he is one of them. He doesn't even understand how to relate to a friend, yet he gets lonely. He breaks my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hey Sally, I didn't mean to imply in anyway that I believe that asexuals are mean and nasty, just that David is often. I am not actually accepting of his abuse. I just understand why he is doing it. and I feel badly for anyone that has been so afraid thier whole lives that they have to do these things to try to fit in with what they believe a "normal" man is. This concept of "normal" causes him to do all kinds of strange and horrible things. He has the most bizarre collection of porn not because it excites him at all but because he thinks all sexual men want to see the strangest most bizarre things he can find. I am trying to express something here that is very difficult to me. David has no understanding at all of sexual people. He doesn't like touching at all in any way. not even a handshake. I am not trying to say he is broken or needs fixing or anything like that. I truly believe that God creates us all and sexual or asexual we are all the way He would have us be. Still the best way I can express this I hope doesn't offend anyone because I truly do not wish to be offensive just clear. David is like a 5/6 year old boy in his understanding of sexuals. And he has tried desperately his whole life to fit in. As abusive as he has been it really all has been out of his fear of being discovered to be "different". As far as feeling that he doesn't love me... I know he doesn't. He admitted he married me to be "normal". Not for love at all. He has never even thought to himself what I would want from a marriage. It just never occured to him. All he has ever thought about in regards to it is what he gets from it. I have stayed married to him for so long because I love him and have always felt so badly that he is so afraid. I have tried to ease his fears and make his life better. I did expect that as we went on that he would grow to love me and that he would treat me better as his fears were relieved. I was wrong. The more I have given to him the worse he has become. I am considering an annulment of our marriage. I have talked to him about it today. He acted afraid until I told him that I wouldn't throw him out or anything. Then he says he would be okay with it, Just making my life truth again. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 thank you jr1 and V. I am stupid and have stayed too long in this situation trying to make it better. V you are right when you say it won't ever get better. It just took me till now to accept that and figure a way out that will not harm him either. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Twinki, I am glad you are continuing to talk this through!! The more I read what you have to say, the more I think David is plain old socially inept to the max. It's not that he just doesn't understand the sexual world, he doesn't seem to understand people at all. And knowing he may need someone to help him navigate life, he picked you!! Twinki, has David ever been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome? I am rather relieved that you are considering an annulment. He admitted lying to you from the get-go, he called you horrible names soon after you were married, and his meanness and nastiness has apparently escalated. While you have been a saint to try to understand why he is using all these defense and coping mechanisms, you certainly don't have to accept this sort of relationship. What are your plans for the future? Will you continue to live as roommates or eventually go your separate ways? Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Good luck, Twinki. It sounds like he at least understands that this isn't working (if not why) and he won't make it hard for you. I admire you for wanting to be sure to not hurt him. He indeed does sound like he's never matured into an adult with whom you could live a good life, and you don't need to try to "raise" him the rest of your life. I'm sure there's a better life for you. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Twinki, I am glad you are continuing to talk this through!! The more I read what you have to say, the more I think David is plain old socially inept to the max. It's not that he just doesn't understand the sexual world, he doesn't seem to understand people at all. And knowing he may need someone to help him navigate life, he picked you!! Twinki, has David ever been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome? I am rather relieved that you are considering an annulment. He admitted lying to you from the get-go, he called you horrible names soon after you were married, and his meanness and nastiness has apparently escalated. While you have been a saint to try to understand why he is using all these defense and coping mechanisms, you certainly don't have to accept this sort of relationship. What are your plans for the future? Will you continue to live as roommates or eventually go your separate ways? Lucinda Hey Lucinda, He is socially inept but still can have and enjoy superficial friendships immensely. Women especially want to take care of him. He has three who bring him lunch at work every day. I feel so badly for him all the time. It is why I have stayed so long. It breaks my heart when he makes someone else mad with his ways and he has no clue why they are upset with him. I try to explain but he doesn't get it. It is so sad because I do love him... how could I not?... and I know he does in fact need someone so he won't be alone. But he uses my understanding and caring against me. It is what his parents did and all he knows. He doesn't want to be alone and would much rather someone was with him in a roommate capasity. But how do I do that? and if I do that then how do I date? and if I date how could there ever possibly be someone who would understand that someone needs to help david? I am hoping the annulment will allow David to stop reacting to me as His parents did with each other. If I can get that quieted down then I wouldn't mind a roommate situation as long as my dating didn't hurt him. I do not want to die without having had a hug in way over 20 years. I miss being touched worst of all and sometimes it just gets to me so badly. I don't count the times he has hurt me as touch. I am no saint however I do truly believe that everyone deserves to be loved for who they are... not who we wish they were. I just wish I was a strong enough person to be able to deal with all of davids fears until he saw that he was loved. Of course I will be dead before that ever happens. In some ways getting the anulment makes me feel as if I were abandoning my child in a strange and hostile world with no protection. I know that this is not the way the world will react to a situation like this. I am aware that I must be wrong for caring what happens to him so much. But I do care and I don't know how not to care. I want to do this so he is not hurt by it nor abandoned because I have to do it to survive. I have read a bit on Aspergers but I don't think he has it. He does pay attention to machinery before humans every time but not in an obsesive way. I think he just got stuck in his emotional developement at around 5 or 6 years old. All of his brothers and his sister are also asexual as is his mom. His dad was a sexual and completely confused by all of this. (and old world sicilian to boot) When reading here at Aven I never noticed if asexuality ran in families or not but it sure has in davids. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Thanks for the cake Sally... He will never be raised. so is it fair that I abandon him to a world he doesn't understand and cannot cope with and one that will leave him hurting and confused and lonely on a daily basis so that I can live a life that I need? He has only tried to survive in a world he doesn't understand at all. These choices seem to only bring pain and if all of them are pain then I have to choose for him because I can at least see the choices. How can I choose to cause him pain he will never understand or be able to deal with? :( Link to post Share on other sites
GoAskDaddy Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Hi Twink I've been reading your posts and hun lifes too short, you deserve to be happy not miserable. It sounds like you've been and still are making all the scarfices in a relationship with an abusive man. You seem very understanding and have done everything you possibly can. He will eventually wear you down to an emotional wreck. Ask yourself where would I like to be in 5 or 10 years time? Can I see myself still being where I am now but happy? Or will you feel trapped and resentful? What are your dreams? What are your desires? You know the answer deep down all you have to do is too trust your feelings. Honestly I'd ditch the marriage but remain close friends (even flatmates if you want to). I think emotionally that would help you both. If you think you can power on thats great and I hope it works out for you, I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
-V- Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 One of you is going to suffer because he can't/doesn't function like a normal (thats right, I said the n-word) person. Don't worry about him if what you said about everyone wanting to help is his true. Someone else will just adopt him and put up with his shit. Go have the life that you say you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Twinki, Could David possibly go to live with his brothers or sister or mother? Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Kiki Asexual Superstar Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 I feel like David's problem may be psychological in nature. I am asexual, but I had never treated my significant others so cruelly. This sounds like there may be a family issue, if all his siblings behave the same way. Perhaps, the mother had a Borderline Personality Disorder. Children of borderline parents are more likely to develop the condition, which sounds like your husband. (Like the fear of abandonment, Manipulating you by devaluing your self-esteem with cruel words, the demand that everything be his way to exert control, the desperation to be popular with peers by having the porn that he thinks others would be interested in, the ability to gain friends easily, but have a difficult time retaining them, etc...) I'm the oldest of five kids (all the same mom, two different marriages) and I'm the only one who is asexual. However, we all have varying degrees of mental issues resulting from my mom's mental issues. (therapists believed that, based on my descriptions on events, she had a borderline Personality disorder.) Asexuals are a varied group of people: You can be asexual and be a jerk, too. We're not all saints. However, this sounds like there's more going on there that should be dealt with by a psychiatrist/psychologist. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Thanks for the cake Sally... He will never be raised. so is it fair that I abandon him to a world he doesn't understand and cannot cope with and one that will leave him hurting and confused and lonely on a daily basis so that I can live a life that I need? He has only tried to survive in a world he doesn't understand at all. These choices seem to only bring pain and if all of them are pain then I have to choose for him because I can at least see the choices. How can I choose to cause him pain he will never understand or be able to deal with? :( Are you his mother? Seriously, after reading what you said above, I wonder if that's how you feel. That's a pretty dangerous position to put yourself in, because some day he may actually leave you and find someone else who can take care of him even better (he thinks), and you will have invested your whole life in being his mother. Get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Viinasu Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 awwww, i'm sorry! *huggles* maybe you two should try some marriage counciling or try temporarily separating? it sounds like you need some help... he really shouldn't treat you this way.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Dandylion Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 I agree very much with what Lady Artemis said. This goes way beyond asexuality, and I believe this may be one of the cases where the asexuality actually did stem from a deeper root cause. You can say God made everyone the way they are, but you can't say He put us here to suffer from fear or to struggle to find a place. I think he does need professional help, even if he doesn't like it (borderline personality disorders, if this is indeed what it is, tend to go from one end to the other on how they feel about something or someone and, again from what I've read, tend to eventually mistrust/hate/etc the person that tries to help them), so this may be a difficult course of action but a better one if you want to help him. This does not necessarily mean that it will help you though. As was said earlier, do not try to be his mother. I was in this position with my ex. He always overworked himself. I tried to always be there to ensure that he took care of himself because he didn't eat enough if he was working, didn't sleep enough, beat himself down about not working hard enough (he worked harder than anyone I've ever known), moved out of his parents' house, didn't have enough money (his job underpaid him regardless of the fact that he worked there for almost every waking hour... literally), so I gave him hundreds of dollars without really caring about being paid back, gave him rides everywhere (he was working too often to have time to learn to drive or get a license) to the point where I had no time to do anything for myself, and I was always worrying about him, wondering if he was too stressed/not eating, etc when I was not with him, and I knew that he never wanted to let anyone know when he was upset because that's how he'd been raised, so I tried to always comfort him as his mother had not done, and sometimes the way I held him in my arms... I knew I loved him, but it seemed much different than when I had first fallen in love with him. I loved him in a ... protective way. Now I can't give you any advice as to how to get out of that position as it was somewhat forced upon me (due to circumstances beyond my control, I can no longer maintain contact with him... I'd rather not explain why), but if I'd had it my way, I probably would've become quite miserable yet never chosen to end it. The hardest decision in situations like this is doing what's best for you, because you want to care for that person so much, but you do need to, in the end, do what's best for you, not him. Believe me, you'll still worry about him, but you really do need to move on and let yourself be happy. Focus on you. You're what's important. Sometimes we can let someone else consume us so that we worry more about them than ourselves. You need to make yourself happy (and did you say you had a daughter? Her happiness, too. Coming from a family whose parents did not have the most loving relationship, I can tell you that she will be happier away from all of that, even if she doesn't like it at first. I don't know how big of a change it will be for her at first, not knowing her age.) Again, you can try getting him psychiatric help. For a while, it may seem hopeless, but there may be improvement. If you think that the improvement is enough and you can honestly, deep down inside, feel that things can get better, keep at it and maybe they can (but only if things really are improving). If they don't, you have to move on, dear. Don't let your protection of him override your own life. Best of luck :) Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 No one can be forced or even convinced by someone else to get psychiatric help unless they're not getting what they need from their life. It sounds like he's in a position where he gets what he needs from you, twinki. You're not getting what you need. You're the one who needs the help. If you think leaving this situation is too difficult, you might benefit from seeing a counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 You are right Sally.. I am the one with the problem... he is getting what he needs from me but I am not happy at all. i think You are right about me being the one who needs the counselor too. It may help me see my way out of all of this. Thank you. I will have to find one but that is doable. smiles.... Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hey Mortal Eternity, The world is why he is afraid and struggles so hard... I had never heard of an asexual until 5 years ago. The world doesnt talk about it or teach anyone about it. Every other sexuality is so public. But Asexuality is hidden. He didn't even know there was a name for his type of experiences. I really wish they would teach people about this while they teach us all about heterosexuality and homosexuality etc... It would make everyone so much more comfortable and able to sit inside thier own skins. As far as your coments... I feel you are right . I do worry much more about him than i do myself. I know i have been very willing to sacrifice my happiness etc for his for way to many years. I have no idea how not to anymore. When i think about it I end up feeling selfish. Sally is right in that I need help to get myself clear of this pattern of behavior. Your coment about borderline personality disorders tending to hate/mistrust the person trying to help them seem to fit david to a tee.. He completely mistrusts me no matter what i do. Thank you for your help so much. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 awww ... thank you for the huggles Viinasu... I really needed them. We have tried marriage counceling. All he wanted to discuss was the dust on the baseboards. really. He just doesnt know how to discuss this even... I do feel so helpless. I truly wish it was easier for him . Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hi Lucinda, His family is so disfunctional Lucinda that living with them for him isn't a possability. I wish it were. He is truly unable to have any kind of real relationship that doesnt involve them becoming extremely frustrated with him. Even our daughter has come to realize that he is only concerned with himself. That him saying the words "I love you" signify nothing. It broke my heart when she came to me crying about it. It breaks my heart for him to not even understand the concept. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 hey Daddy, Thank you for your response so much. I believe I am getting an annulment and then if he will allow it maybe flatmates. But he will have to deal with me dating again ... I hope it works out cause I just truly do not want to be the source of his pain. Thank you so much for wishing me well..As far as me being an emotional wreak... i believe i am... the thought of being hugged has made me burst into tears. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hey V, You made me laugh with your use of the "n" word... Someone will adopt him... but then they will punish him for being who he is and then leave him horribly. It happened 7 other times. He doesn't appear on the surface to have any issues... and the asexuality does end up presenting itself first... but the real problem is that he is completely unable to understand adult interactions like love and compassion and caring. Yet he can be hurt so easily. Link to post Share on other sites
twinkidragon Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hey Lady Artemis, you may be right... I just assumed that because he has no ability to understand things like love etc... that it was him being an asexual that was the root of his behavior. His mom ran away once before her marriage and once with each of her first two pregnancies. It was because of her being asexual and the times she lived in.and of course the sicilian culture she was born into.All she wanted was to get her own apartment and work in a factory. The families forced her to marry. and once she was pregnant the first time she ran away to her mothers home and lived there for several months until her husbands family forced him to go make her come home. She did it all again with her second pregnancy (she was pregnant with david that time). She consigned herself to her fate sort of after that. but she hated her husband. It was truly sad because he loved her and didn't understand why she was so mad at him. She finally divorced him when he had a stroke. She lives alone and plays pinochle with a group and seems quite happy. She is very bitter and has been for as long as I have known her. But still happy finally to be in her own place. Thank you for responding to my post. It helps to have everyones thoughts... Helps me focus better. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Vashti Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 He will never be raised. so is it fair that I abandon him to a world he doesn't understand and cannot cope with and one that will leave him hurting and confused and lonely on a daily basis so that I can live a life that I need? He has only tried to survive in a world he doesn't understand at all. These choices seem to only bring pain and if all of them are pain then I have to choose for him because I can at least see the choices. How can I choose to cause him pain he will never understand or be able to deal with? Right now, he's causing you pain. Maybe he doesn't want to, maybe he doesn't even completely understand why his behavior is hurting you, but he's causing you pain just the same and it doesn't seem from your posts like that's ever going to stop. You have every right to get out of a situation that's painful for you, even if your doing so will be hard for him. It is not your responsibility to make sure that his life is completely free of pain and hardship, especially when doing so is hurting you. His pain is not more important or more valid than yours, or than your daughter's, and preserving his comfort at the expense of your own is not something you're morally obligated to do. Everybody else has already said this better than I have, but I hope that the more people tell you that you deserve better than this, the easier it'll be to really believe it <3 Link to post Share on other sites
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