Is it necessary to come out as an asexual?

[tranxuan]

I "came out" to almost everyone (if given the opportunity to) last summer. I don't go about the town announcing that I'm queer. Let nature takes its course (my motto for now and I'll repeat it over and over again). Asexuality is a very difficult to discuss because not everyone understands and the feelings are different for everyone. Demisexuality is fairly new to me but I like the ring to it. Maybe what I'm wanting to convey is that maybe I should be more aggressive when it comes to my unique sexuality? I think, no matter how much I say, some people won't ever understand it.

Sure, everyone's got their own problems. But some have more than others without a doubt.

[prettyeyes]

I generally don't come out to people who aren't close friends and probably never will be. I really only tell it to close friends, family, and potential dates. If I don't think it's important, I say I'm bi or pan. On most social networking sites I state I am asexual though.

[Rounx]

I do not think it is necessary to tell people. I mean, obviously you should tell people you date and such. But, other than that.. what business is it of theirs?

[Sciatrix]

I have found it necessary to tell people who are heavily invested in my life (nuclear family, close friends) because I am aromantic and don't pass for heterosexual well. I had rather be honest with them that have them assume I'm closeted gay and try to set me up with people or otherwise get interested in my personal business.

I don't come out to, say, coworkers or my hairdresser or acquaintances I only know tangentially because I don't feel that the extra visibility is worth the personal cost to me. I find coming out fairly stressful.

[Library Cat]

I haven't the guts to tell my family. I'm afraid my mom would get upset and blame herself for my "lack of interest", because she went through some really bad relationships when I was young. Two short marraiges, one was a drunk and a substance abuser, the other was just... abusive. Then she dated this guy who was really weird, and kept trying to put her down and control her. So she'd probably think that my veiws on men and sex were screwed up because of that. But honestly, that's not the case. I don't know how I'd convince her that my feelings aren't from any childhood trauma.

On the other hand, I have told only a few friends. I haven't told one family yet, but I'm so close to them I think they kinda assume already, so what's the point?

And on social networking sites, I always state that I'm asexual, just for visability.

[Timbjerr]

I don't really see the need to. I can pass for a normal, albeit reclusive, heterosexual for all my day-to-day interactions. Unless I happen to have a girlfriend that wants to get intimate enough to show me her vagina, I don't think people really need to know.

[Galen]

I don't believe you need to let anyone know except probably potential long term partners. It may help to let family know but if your close to them they probably already have a pretty good idea.

[PinkOlorin]

Heh, so this all probably contributes to the perception that we don't exist. Still, it simply doesn't come up in my daily life, much. I never talk about dating with other people (aside from my close friends, whom I've told), even my parents--and I don't see much point in coming out unless we're on the topic.

...but the reason the subject of dating, or hot guys or girls or whatever, never comes up is because people already assume I'm not interested in that sort of thing. So maybe they've already figured it out.

[Richly Blessed]

I think it's really only appropriate when the asexual feels it's appropriate. If they feel they are being labeled incorrectly and it's bothersome enough for them to say so. Otherwise, I think the folks here have it spot on. Tell only the folks that it directly affects. As a sexual person, that would be extremely important for me to know ahead of time.

[Auro Astum]

I believe it is necessary when the person coming out feels it is appropriate.

With me personally, I came out because I found where I belong. I had always knew I was "different", and didn't really know what it was. So everything sorta clicked.

[Moondragon007]

Heh, so this all probably contributes to the perception that we don't exist.

That's true. But we have less of a pressing need to come out, since unlike homosexuals, most of us don't have relationships we might feel we need to hide.

[Sciatrix]

Actually, Moondragon, I have found that my lack of relationships is exactly why I feel I need to come out, or else put up with people endlessly curious about who I am or am not romantically interested in. I've often felt that I would have an easier time "passing" if I was a romantic asexual, because then I would have the camouflage of romantic crushes and the like to hide behind.

[Bathaleph]

If you're not comfortable with telling most folks - it doesn't affect them and they don't need to know. I would say that, depending on your age, you might want to talk it over with your parent(s) or close friends to allay any fears that they might have that you're unhappily celibate or lonesome.

If you do want to share this part of yourself with them, you absolutely should! It's not something to be ashamed of or hide away. You might even find that it lets you get closer to your friends, because they don't have to worry that your interactions could be construed as sexual advances. Many people, regardless of their biological makeup or sexual orientation, find themselves starved for platonic physical affection (if that's something that you're comfortable with). It might be frustrating to explain, but if you don't try, you're deprived of the good results as well as the bad.

Remember, you control your sexuality, and you have the right to determine when, where and how you express it and share it with other people.

[Tio]

I told my brother and his wife, and one of my friends but other hthan that I haven't felt the need to tell anyone.

[Oka-sama]

I don't think it's necessary to come out, generally. But if, say, you have open-minded parents or friends and really want to? Sure. Close minded people that have no business in your sexuality? Not really.

I came out to my friend very casually, but I'll never come out to my family. NEVEEEER. <_<

[Rozzie]

Actually, Moondragon, I have found that my lack of relationships is exactly why I feel I need to come out, or else put up with people endlessly curious about who I am or am not romantically interested in. I've often felt that I would have an easier time "passing" if I was a romantic asexual, because then I would have the camouflage of romantic crushes and the like to hide behind.

I agree!

I just recently began looking into asexuality and aromantic and more and more feel I fit into the category. I talked to my mom about it right away since she was always so pressing about why I never dated or had interest in the opposite sex (she even asked if I was a lesbian lol)

Now that I'm pretty sure I'm asexual I feel telling people so is much easier then having to try and explain to nosy people why I'm single and not looking at my age. It's actually really refreshing, like a weight lifted off my chest xD Of course I'm sure saying I'm asexual will most likely raise more eyebrows, just having a name for what I am makes me more confident rather than being unsure myself and always wondering. It's my sexuality so it doesn't matter either way in the long run.

[Kathlyn]

I'm very something. I don't know what the word is, but I tell people because I feel kinda like I have to, mixed with the fact that for some reason people around me are very interested in discussing sex, kid, and marriage. they ask me about my plans in regarding this and I say no, not going to , and they nag me and I say well it's not going to happen because I'm an asexual aromantic. I don't want to date or have sex, I don't have those feelings. some will accept that, some won't and will say well one day you'll met some one and fall for them (or soul-mates)

[Sans]

Maybe its just me, but I think we kind of have a duty to at the very least tell people what we are when asked. Of course, I'm the type of person who without the slightest bit of hesitation will proudly say that she is a future law student, atheist and an asexual.

But back to the duty bit. I grew up in the Deep South so it took a long time for me to even find out about other sexualities. Even then, nonheterosexuals were just "confused" or "sinful". I spent quite a while confused and went through a phase that made me wonder since I had no inclinations to have sex with a boy if I was gay. How I wished someone would have said that asexuality exists to me when I was younger! I could have saved quite a few hours of my life. After all, the first time I even remotely heard about asexuality was when I was taking Abnormal Pysch 201.

So now, when people eventually get enough nerve to ask me if I am gay I tell them no and explain asexuality. And willingly answer all of their questions. I can think of quite a few people who are now "educated" about the terms asexual, heteromantic and demisexual.

Hopefully when I'm an adult I'll see younger children not have to search to figure out what asexuality is. And I plan on doing my part.

[Apollonian]

I don't see why it's anyone's business, frankly. I'm sure people don't disclose every single detail about themselves to others, so I don't see why it would be necessary.

Maybe its just me, but I think we kind of have a duty to at the very least tell people what we are when asked.

A duty? Why? Speaking for myself, I don't have a "duty" to tell anyone anything. As I always tell people, they're free to ask me whatever they want. But I'm also equally free not to answer.

[LowTech]

I don't "come out" about anything in my life, my sexuality, my tastes in music, my political and religious leanings, etc. I don't hide them either, so people can figure it out if they just observe me long enough. If people actualy ASK me, I'll tell them (what a concept) but if no one's asking, there's no duty for me to tell anyone.

[hawkelf]

I 'came out' to most of my closer friends and family nearly four years ago, now. I felt like it was important for them to know, in order to better understand me and what I'm like. Granted, I was also a little tired of people assuming I was gay or waiting for me to have a boyfriend, get married, and start having kids, but eh. In the end, that wasn't really why I did it. I came out because it felt as if, to know that I'm ase and to not tell them would be a form of lying.

Similarly to LowTech, I now don't see much need to 'come out' to people. If it comes up in conversation - which it does, on occasion - I see no reason not to talk about it, especially if they have questions that aren't super intimate. I've had some incredibly humorous conversations that way.

And on the other side of things, I've been putting off telling one close friend for... four years... and now it's coming back to bite me. :/ She keeps assuming I'm heterosexual (or gay, she teeters back and forth and I'm not sure what it is right now) and... much though I love her, it's starting to go past 'merely annoying' to 'if I don't handle situations delicately, our friendship will suffer.' It's time to bite the bullet and tell her. As soon as I can make myself pick up the phone, that is.

[womaninablackdress]

Ultimately, you should do what you feel to want to do, whatever gives you that peace of mind. In my opinion, nobody needs to know your sexuality, you don't need to justify yourself at all!

[Amputation Defenestration]

I'm only out to a few very, very close friends. Even many friends I've known since preschool don't know..and certainly not my family. The only problem with NOT universally coming out is what would happen on the off chance I might decide to get married someday? I'm having visions of super awkward wedding/shower gifts. Then again, who am I kidding? Even if I DID get married, I'm sure it would be far too eccentric to allow for normal festivities like showers and bachelorette parties, ew.

[DizzyLizzy]

Hi...personallly I don't think u have to "come out" if u don't want to....if people are only gonna look at u different or ask u a ton of questions then let it go...if it is someone u really want to know then spill it....for me I feel like it is not something I have to announce it is not something anyone would question minus a man I could meet who wanted to have sex then I would have to explain....but as far as my family and friends for me it doesn't matter if they know or not...if the subject of sex comes up and something is directed at me I would just tell them how I feel, would I label myself probably not, I really don't believe in labels but if it helps someone understand better then I would use the "asexual" label......make sense??? TTFN

[ZSangel]

I 'came out' once, to my mother. She just sort of shrugged it off and I dropped the subject. That was four years ago, and I have not said anything to anyone since. Part of me feels that ignoring the subject around others is the best option for me. However, the other half wants to announce my asexuality. It's mostly because, while few actually say it to my face, I think I'm being labeled as a lesbian behind my back. I'm fairly certain now that I'm an aromantic, as thoughts of romance with either gender just don't apply to me. Sex of course, was never even on the list. For me, as it sits the moment, I want to tell my close friends and family to get it out there and avoid future problems. I have a feeling the next time my uncle asks 'so when are you getting married' I may just blurt something out and cause a huge old mess.

[Pipe]

My whole life I've declared that I was never going to get married or have kids. That seems to have satisfied just about everybody. All through middle school and high school, I told people that I just don't date. I got a lot of praise for it... "Wow... you're really smart!" and "God, I wish I'd done that" and "You're so lucky...!"

I've never even had to use the word "asexual." I just say "I don't date" and "I don't want kids" and "I don't want to get married" and that seems to explain it all. Subject changes and we move on. @_@;

My mom knows I'm a virgin right now. xD We just made insinuated comments about it and... it's just an accepted fact. @__@ So... what more needs to be discussed?

I don't mention it, simply put... I did tell this one guy via email that I believe I'm asexual. He told me that I'm probably not, actually. xD I'm wondering how many more years it will take before he might finally think I'm not just doing it to rebel against society or to be "super unique".

[Guest]

My whole life I've declared that I was never going to get married or have kids. That seems to have satisfied just about everybody. All through middle school and high school, I told people that I just don't date. I got a lot of praise for it... "Wow... you're really smart!" and "God, I wish I'd done that" and "You're so lucky...!"

I've never even had to use the word "asexual." I just say "I don't date" and "I don't want kids" and "I don't want to get married" and that seems to explain it all. Subject changes and we move on. @_@;

Wow! Those are pretty good responses, I thought every girl got the "You'll change your mind one day and feel the need to breed" speech. That's all I've ever gotten when I said I would never date/have kids...

[Bear]

I've never told anyone, other than people online. *shrugs*

[Larien]

I decided to tell my best friend a few weeks ago. I didn't actually use the term "asexual," but I did tell her that, while I feel romantic attractions toward people, I don't feel sexual attraction. Her reaction couldn't have been better. Not only was she accepting of it, she also stated her belief that that's what the focus of commitment and love should be (personalities and not looks, etc) and she wished that she was "like me" in not feeling sexual attraction. ^_^

[PyroNeko]

If someone asks, then I'll tell them..but other than that, I don't broadcast anything. It's the same way with my homosexuality.

I've always said that I don't want to get married, have kids, or anything like that...but no one seems to believe me. Lately, I've "come out" to a couple friends about being a lesbian and asexual, and for the most part, they seem really supportive. ^_^