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Is it necessary to come out as an asexual?


tranxuan

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AuntPebbles

I've often felt that I would have an easier time "passing" if I was a romantic asexual, because then I would have the camouflage of romantic crushes and the like to hide behind.

I think this is true... speaking as a (very) romantic asexual, I've never had anyone "out" me. Though I have occasionally come out to online friends because going along with their assumptions (that since I thought such-and-such guy was gorgeous, I'd want to see him naked or have sex with him) made me feel hypocritical.

It's only easier being romantic if "passing" is what you want to do. ;-)

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I don't know that coming out is 'necessary', but I'm not exactly keeping it a secret. If it comes up in conversation, I'm pretty open about it, but it's not often it comes up in conversation, so. The people that matter to me know, and that's as far as I feel I need to 'come out'.

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geek-in-a-half-shell

I say you spread the word like a virus that turns people into zombies.

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I say you spread the word like a virus that turns people into zombies.

I like that idea... :D

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Salt Shaker

I don't think it's necessary.

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allhourcymbals

I came out out my best friend last night. I've known her for 13 years now and it felt really good to actually tell someone! I guess she already knew, cause she didnt not act surprised. But I guess it's the honesty or whatever you may call it, that counts.

It bugs me that people always need to label themselves. A girl in my class, whom I hang out with a lot but actually never talk personal about, has a tendensy to call me a lesbian. She is her self, but we've known each other for about two years now, and I'd bet she knew me by now (she reads people real good, but obviously not that good). I always tell her I'm nothing at all, that I have no sexual drive, but it's like she's deaf sometimes....

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'Coming out' as an asexual is a bit like 'coming out' as a vegetarian - if someone is going to be giving you a relationship/meal, you tell them you don't like sex/meat, otherwise no one needs to know, and probably they won't see it as a huge deal anyway (asexuality/vegetarianism is not particularly controversial, I've found, and people generally don't find it distasteful or immoral like they might with homo/bisexuality).

Making a concious effort to tell everyone strikes me as a plea for attention, really, but who doesn't like a bit of attention sometimes? :)

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Hello all,

Yes, I too can relate on the necessity of not only coming out as A (yes, asexuality) issue but, I also have another secret which is a grey area--I'm a M-F transgenderist. For me it's not about transitioning all the way via surgery but, I'll elaborate later.

As far as coming out as A goes, I feel as though depending on how far a relationship goes emotionally and physically, it's these elements and how deep I am in said relationship that I need to pull the reins back and have one of those "before we go any further, there's something you should know" talks.

As far as being transgendered, I consider it an intricately woven part of my nature because being transgendered defines who I am. Unlike asexuality which is secondary, I find that there is here a grey area of when & how I tell my friends that transgender part of my identity. As another approach, I find that when there comes a time in our friendship where we know, trust and care for each other deeply or in that 'I love you. You're my friend. You can tell me anything and I will STILL love you" stage in our friendship, that is when I think it best to say, "I'm transgendered..." Then, I could tell them more when they acknowledge that they're ready to hear and listen to the details such as the reasons I do not want SRS or hormones and that I express my transgender nature in my feminine gender expression as well as wearing women's clothes and so forth.

What I am trying to say is that since I'd rather have casual and/or platonic friendships where my intention is nowhere near sexual, I find that, for me, the A talk should be addressed when my friend and I get into the point in our friendship where the issue of the intentions and depth of our friendship is and where it is leading.

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cap'n shmazz

i usually only tell people i'm close to.

but if a conversation comes up where the other people are making it seem like everyone wants sex and you're super lame if you don't, i always seem to bring it up...

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Kiki Asexual Superstar

I'm pretty open about it. The reasons behind that are:

-Prior to coming out as an asexual, I used to have horrible panic attacks when guys that were into me tried to touch me. However, my male friends could do the same thing and I would be fine. Once I was able to be brutally honest how who I was and what I did and did not want to do, the panic attacks stopped. Then, I was able to enjoy the physical things that I did want without the panic that someone would want the things I didn't want.

-I want to live in a world where I can tell someone I am asexual and they just understand without an explanation. I know that this course of action is not for everyone. So, I try to be visible for that reason. I am comfortable in my identity.

-This avoids confusion, as I am heteroromantic. This way, the people who may not be able to handle a relationship with an asexual can bail before things get too serious. If I give someone the information right away and they decide that it is not for them, I'm not offended. However, some people, especially on this board, may be surprised that there are sexual people who are genuinely okay with being in a relationship with an asexual. I have had multiple dates/relationships since coming out around 1996-1997. (back then, I just told people that I didn't believe in having sex ever. There was no AVEN then.)

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Guest MWotton

No it really is not " necessary ". It doesn't help me at least and I don't think it's anybody's business honestly. I'm not hidding anything but why should I talk about such things with my family, friends etc. ? I'm a bit old-fashioned when it comes to divulging myself, some things shouldn't be said.

But of course if it helps you, I completely understand it.

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prosodiical

I've 'come out' to a few people; I'll mention it if sexuality comes up (seriously) in conversation, but it doesn't often, so I don't often mention it. I'm not hiding it, though - I'm pretty happy to talk about it if it does come up.

My parents know I'm not really into dating or kids or anything, but that's about the extent of it from that side. :)

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I've 'come out' to a few people; I'll mention it if sexuality comes up (seriously) in conversation, but it doesn't often, so I don't often mention it. I'm not hiding it, though - I'm pretty happy to talk about it if it does come up.

My parents know I'm not really into dating or kids or anything, but that's about the extent of it from that side. :)

I just did that a few minutes ago with a friend of mine. We got to chatting about some things relating to nudity and so I just went with it from telling him that "female nudity disgusts me and, for that matter, I'm not interested in sex with women nor am I sexually aroused." So, hopefully, all the getting a girlfriend talks will be over and done with!

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it's not necessary

however if you want a huge weight off your shoulders in not having to hide it, or want to help reduce the amount of ignorance around asexuality then declaring your asexuality can be a good thing

now the bit i always get shot down for..teens

i personally feel that many of our younger (14-25) decalre in forums and probably that exscuse for no life...facebook that they are asexual

but do not disclose to thier family and friends because they themselves are unsure if they are and wether they will be for life as they have lived so little of it... and are afraid to declare it as it might not be them in say 10 years but may regret declaring it later

I have no problem with that and understand it

so no you don't have to

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  • 1 month later...

I have only confided in my closest friends at this point. I don't have a desire to go announcing it to whomever inquires, even if they are gay/straight/whatever. It really matters who they are; if I hold them in high esteem and care about them, I would want them to know that I value their inclusion in this aspect of my life. Otherwise, forcefully justifying yourself to the world just cause may make you less happy than you are now. It might not feel true. I also will not invite others to make it their business, because it can lead to a number of things:

1. Their confusion, which may spiral out of proportion.

2. Professional atmospheres are never a place for anything personal.

3. You get dogged. You become a kind of 'challenge' to others of whatever orientation to prove you otherwise. I am already ribbed by some, who, unknowing of my asexuality, always ask if I've met/picked up anyone after every other holiday break. I can also smell a set-up a mile away, and I feel really sorry for the other person--worse if they end up being one whom it would be great to just be friends with.

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