Turning down Gifts from sexual Friends?

[Naiwen]

To avoid confusion, I generally turn down gifts and pay my own share with my straight and bisexual male and female friends. Especially things like jewelry, chocolates or flowers. If not crushing on me and wanting to confess to me, why would any straight, bisexual lesbian male and/or female friends buy me anything like them or treat me to dinner? I generally am pretty clear on this that I'm paying for myself so it's less awkward between us, hence why my friends all think that I'd make a low maintenance partner. Have you experienced personally anything like this with your sexual and/romantic female and/or male friends? 

[Real Estate RICO]

ok

[Snao Cone]

I have never once accepted a million dollars in exchange for a kiss.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

If not crushing on me and wanting to confess to me, why would any straight, bisexual lesbian male and/or female friends buy me anything like them or treat me to dinner?

Because friends are meant to hang out together? It's fine if you want to share the bill of course (I would personally, even if with an actual romantic partner) but I don't think it's healthy to read every gift or attempt to hang out as someone trying to get in your pants or become romantically involved with you. That would make a lot of people very uncomfortable if they knew that them being friendly to you was being viewed by you as an attempt by them to reveal romantic and/or sexual feelings towards you 😕 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I always have to foot the bill on our dates, and I can't even drink any of the petrol myself 😢

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I always have to foot the bill on our dates, and I can't even drink any of the petrol myself 😢

[A User]

1 hour ago, ManicPixieDreamFreeAgent said:

ok

I don't understand how that even answers the question

 

unless i am truly missing something here

[thylacine]

2 hours ago, Naiwen said:

To avoid confusion, I generally turn down gifts and pay my own share with my straight and bisexual male and female friends. Especially things like jewelry, chocolates or flowers. If not crushing on me and wanting to confess to me, why would any straight, bisexual lesbian male and/or female friends buy me anything like them or treat me to dinner? I generally am pretty clear on this that I'm paying for myself so it's less awkward between us, hence why my friends all think that I'd make a low maintenance partner. Have you experienced personally anything like this with your sexual and/romantic female and/or male friends? 

I think that's a good policy.  I always pay my own way, so guys don't think they're going to "get lucky" that night and such.

[Black Tourmaline]

gifts are rarely truly free and i tend to avoid receivng them in most situations. i am a Leo though and i rather enjoy giving small gifts to close friends and relatives if i happen to run into something small that i think they will like (a crystal, a new limited flavor of kombucha, a t-shirt, a cute toy, dumb stuff like that). that's really just with the inner circle though. generally speaking, one ought to be mindful, especially when dealing with the opposite sex. i would imagine this might be even more true for females, as gifts can be associated with mating rituals. 

[Naiwen]

How do you make it work? I have had many moments when I thought they and I were "just friends", but the other thought otherwise and has mistaken me as their partner and in a relationship with me. So just because someone pays for you a gift or a dinner, it doesn't necessarily mean they want to be romantically and/or sexually involved with you. But I've had many moments when I've had mistaken it as a random act of kindness and have hurt the person by not wanting a relationship and/or friendship with them. Because I don't know why anyone would want to see me alone, and I generally just consider everyone my friends. For example, a man from my group therapy has kept calling me wanting to see me, after I've said no, I don't want to. A male friend from college who's had feelings for me who I've had to block both online and offline because he's become obsessed with me, after having said "no, I'm not interested in you." I just generally am totally and completely dense and oblivious to allosexuals' romantic and sexual feelings for me personally. And how do you make it work with an asexual if you're an allosexual in a relationship? 

[brbdogsonfire]

I've never met someone so physically attractive that every single sexual person (male and female here) they encounter makes a move on them and sexually harassed them. I've known many Asian women who are not harassed often.

 

I am concerned that you either are doing something that causes everyone to think you are interested in them or that you are taking any interaction as an attempt to have sex with you. 

[Libellule]

I should immediately return all the presents my best mate gave me and pay him back for all the times he bought me drinks because I just realised he is a straight guy, which clearly means all those things was just him trying to have sex with me 🙄

 

No, seriously. I think it's a bit messed up to turn down presents from people, especially if they are your friends, just because they happen to be sexual. People can just be friendly without having ulterior motives.

 

With people I don't know well it's a different story for me, though. I don't really like it when men I barely know want to buy me drinks and always insist on paying my own way.

[Raindrops]

To me, that sounds like normal friendship things. Especially chocolates, chocs are universal. 😁 I'd accept their gifts as you would with a friend, if anyone ends up making moves on you afterwards, turn them down. It's gross to think they'd be owed sex after giving you a gift anyway. 😛

[Naiwen]

6 minutes ago, brbdogsonfire said:

I've never met someone so physically attractive that every single sexual person (male and female here) they encounter makes a move on them and sexually harassed them. I've known many Asian women who are not harassed often.

 

I am concerned that you either are doing something that causes everyone to think you are interested in them or that you are taking any interaction as an attempt to have sex with you. 

I think I might be too friendly and nice to them personally, making them think I'm attracted to them. I consider everyone my friend, so yeah, that might be my problem, giving them gifts and buying them food and drinks and etc, might make them think I'm into them. Which I shouldn't do. 

[RoseGoesToYale]

The OP has posted several times about generally not wanting/needing to interact with others, nor getting anything out of friendship. Now they consider everyone their friend. Yesterday they posted that no friend would give gifts or pay for a meal unless it was a romantic/sexual advance, today it's not. I'm completely confused.

[Naiwen]

1 minute ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

The OP has posted several times about generally not wanting/needing to interact with others, nor getting anything out of friendship. Now they consider everyone their friend. Yesterday they posted that no friend would give gifts or pay for a meal unless it was a romantic/sexual advance, today it's not. I'm completely confused.

I consider everyone of my allosexual friends "just friends". And I pay them things only, not accepting their gifts and paying for me at all myself. And they mistake it as a romantic and/romantic interest on my part. 

[iff]

 merged similar Threads together

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends, and allies 

 

[LeChat]

Occasionally, when my friends and I were in middle school (and our parents would take us to places like the movies, public swimming pools, etc.), we'd take turns paying for each other.

 

But, yeah; you're right that friendliness as an adult can, sometimes, be incorrectly perceived by others to be romantic or sexual interest. There have been studies on how different sexes read situations like that, differently.

 

I was taught to be polite to elders, but I discovered how--when I was a teen--it seemed to cause middle-aged guys to think I was attracted to them, romantically (they'd ask me a lot about myself, if I was dating; what I liked to do on dates, etc.--I'd never dated, anyone); one, who'd I'd spent months talking to at a skating rink, whenever I'd practiced, stopped talking to me when he'd found out I was a teen at the time--after he'd told me he wanted skate with me in a small, local, pairs' skating competition for adults. He said he'd thought I was in my mid-20s.

 

So, obviously, he wasn't just interested in being friends.

 

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American

 

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today

 

@brbdogsonfire 

Quote

...I've never met someone so physically attractive that every single sexual person (male and female here) they encounter makes a move on them and sexually harassed them...

 

...Maybe this...? 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman - YouTube

 

The woman in 10 Hours Walking in NYC: ‘I got people wanting to slit my throat’ | Women | The Guardian

 

...and this one: 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman in Hijab - YouTube

 

(there are several parodies of these videos around the internet, but these are real).

[Grumpy Alien]

My best friend recently ordered me an expensive jacket for no other reason than it was my size and screamed me. Obviously I’m going to have to have sex with her now which is complicated because we don’t live on the same continent... my husband will be so upset... but the jacket really is me so I don’t really have any choice but to sleep with her.

[Euna]

11 hours ago, Naiwen said:

For example, a man from my group therapy has kept calling me wanting to see me, after I've said no, I don't want to. A male friend from college who's had feelings for me who I've had to block both online and offline because he's become obsessed with me, after having said "no, I'm not interested in you." I just generally am totally and completely dense and oblivious to allosexuals' romantic and sexual feelings for me personally.

These two examples show people who do not respect your boundaries. This really goes beyond misunderstandings.

If you feel like you could be a victim of stalking, make sure to keep a journal of when this unwanted contact occurs and how it occurs. At the same time, don't respond to these people or give them any attention at all. I'm not saying it's reached that point, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

 

In general, I would recommend (from experience), don't be too nice to people. Be polite, but keep clear boundaries. So often we want to be liked, and especially as women, we feel like we have to be extra polite. But your peace of mind is of the first priority. It's ok to have firm boundaries, and if you lose some friends, well, it will make room in your life for better friends.

 

Hope this helps. 💛

[brbdogsonfire]

13 hours ago, LeChat said:

Occasionally, when my friends and I were in middle school (and our parents would take us to places like the movies, public swimming pools, etc.), we'd take turns paying for each other.

 

But, yeah; you're right that friendliness as an adult can, sometimes, be incorrectly perceived by others to be romantic or sexual interest. There have been studies on how different sexes read situations like that, differently.

 

I was taught to be polite to elders, but I discovered how--when I was a teen--it seemed to cause middle-aged guys to think I was attracted to them, romantically (they'd ask me a lot about myself, if I was dating; what I liked to do on dates, etc.--I'd never dated, anyone); one, who'd I'd spent months talking to at a skating rink, whenever I'd practiced, stopped talking to me when he'd found out I was a teen at the time--after he'd told me he wanted skate with me in a small, local, pairs' skating competition for adults. He said he'd thought I was in my mid-20s.

 

So, obviously, he wasn't just interested in being friends.

 

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American

 

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today

 

@brbdogsonfire 

 

...Maybe this...? 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman - YouTube

 

The woman in 10 Hours Walking in NYC: ‘I got people wanting to slit my throat’ | Women | The Guardian

 

...and this one: 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman in Hijab - YouTube

 

(there are several parodies of these videos around the internet, but these are real).

Op has stated in multiple of their recent spam threads that every sexual both male and female make moves on her, and every sexual both male and female sexually harasses and assaults her. OP has also stated they are anti sexual in past threads. 

 

I say that has not happened and you present a 2 minute long video of around 40 Men trying to flirt with her to counter me saying not every sexual would do that in fact I think a very low number would, and then you provide a 2 minute video of 10 hours walking around new with Men being weird but in no way violent and only one that should be considered harassment because he followed her. Where are the other 9:58 of video? I know where it is as the video is clearly edited to cut out when a man is not trying to flirt with her. So in 10 hours she had Men trying to flirt with her for a 2 minute video and then up to 5 where she was followed. In one of the highest population densities in the world how is it 40 men trying to flirt and 1 following implies all or even a significant fraction would harass or assault a woman? Where are all these sexuals who supposedly threatened her why is it there is not video of that?  

 

 

So my claim was its ridiculous to state all sexuals OP encounters harassed or assault her. You provide a video that shows about 40 men try to flirt with her. If your intent was to show me Men try to flirt with women often congrats you showed me something I know and something I did not try to claim doesn't happen. It seems like you were trying to make my argument something it wasn't which is called making a strawman argument, and is a very dishonest way to disagree with someone, and is typically extremely obvious to the person getting strawmanned. Can't attack me for what I said then just pretend I was arguing for something I am not?

 

Edited:

Looking through more of the sources the woman claimed she was threatened with a knife while there is no video of it. The Guardian claims everything on the video was harassment and catcalling. About half the Men in the video say nothing more than hello. Can you tell me exactly why that's wrong? Do you think a man must have permission to say hello? Do you think someone saying hello is harassment, or assault? 

 

[brbdogsonfire]

19 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

The OP has posted several times about generally not wanting/needing to interact with others, nor getting anything out of friendship. Now they consider everyone their friend. Yesterday they posted that no friend would give gifts or pay for a meal unless it was a romantic/sexual advance, today it's not. I'm completely confused.

Yes they are contradictory. Op has stated they are antisexual in the past, and have also stated they are narcissistic who don't value friends in the past. I think OP is trying to push an anti sexual agenda based on the only thing all the threads revolve around despite all of them claiming to have been about other things.

[brbdogsonfire]

14 hours ago, LeChat said:

 

So, obviously, he wasn't just interested in being friends.

 

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American

 

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today

 

@brbdogsonfire 

 

 

Did you read the research journal? And by that I mean the actual journal and not the summary you linked? What you link heavily implies but doesn't say Men are incapable of platonic friendships with women, while women are totally ok with just platonic relationships with Men. The journal uses 1<x>9 scale so 8 slightly awkward to work with but the value given for Men wanting more is n=4.7 while for women it's n=4.2 so mean would be around 53% towards having more than friendly feelings towards women friends while women would be at a mere 44%. I feel like saying Men are incapable at 53% but women are totally capable at 44% is pretty dishonest.

 

No calculator available just head math. Percentages may be off a couple percent.

[Guest]

17 hours ago, LeChat said:

.Maybe this...? 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman - YouTube

 

The woman in 10 Hours Walking in NYC: ‘I got people wanting to slit my throat’ | Women | The Guardian

 

...and this one: 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman in Hijab - YouTube

 

(there are several parodies of these videos around the internet, but these are real).

None of those show someone so physically attractive that every single person of any age of both sexes try to have sex with them constantly though 😕 that's the claim the OP has made in another thread. And in this thread, all gifts or dinner invites are attempts at revealing romantic and/or sexual intent.

 

When I worked at a brothel even the hottest tall blonde, or the pretty Asian girl (as the OP often says it's due to being Asian) didn't get crazy attention from every single client. The attention was balanced out among us all, even by people actively looking to pay for sex. No one girl ever got all the attention from every single client. Yet the OP says that sexuals of all ages and all genders randomly try to have sex with them (the OP) in public. What do statements like that imply about sexual people? Either the OP is literally the hottest person in existence, so hot that no one of any age or gender can hold themselves back and become crazed in the presence of the OP, or something more is happening here 😕

[Ceebs]

On 3/3/2021 at 2:55 AM, Black Tourmaline said:

gifts are rarely truly free

Hrmm, that seems a bit cynical. If I give someone something, it's always very genuinely a gesture that means "Hey, I was thinking of you/this reminded me of you/I wanted to do something nice for you" and I hope the person finds it meaningful and that it makes them happy. I've absolutely never given something to someone in my life looking for anything in return. That's actually a really odd concept to me. I'm sure I can't be the only one like that.

[Grumpy Alien]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

Hrmm, that seems a bit cynical. If I give someone something, it's always very genuinely a gesture that means "Hey, I was thinking of you/this reminded me of you/I wanted to do something nice for you" and I hope the person finds it meaningful and that it makes them happy. I've absolutely never given something to someone in my life looking for anything in return. That's actually a really odd concept to me. I'm sure I can't be the only one like that.

I currently work at a pet store. I don’t have a dog. I love dogs but my current house isn’t really suitable so we’re waiting. The store sells a lot of dog stuff. When I see something high quality that is normally really expensive on a good deal or a new toy that’s hilarious or adorable, I often can’t help but buy it for my mother in law’s dog. When we were giving out free adult cat food, I took loads home to give to in laws and my friend @cavyX. (I still have to post that with the cat paw mask I also bought them since lockdown is still a thing...) My cat’s still a kitten so it was useless to me.

 

Who gives a birthday present and expects something in return? A psycho?

 

Things like Christmas presents could be argued that it’s usually an exchange but it’s not always even. My mom spends a fortune on us but we take a lot of time putting thought into her presents. We sent presents to Splat’s friends’ kids who are under 3 years old and my 3 year old niece in the US. They can’t exactly return the favour but we wanted to? I often see a cool book or toy and if I can afford to, sometimes I send it to my niece just because. 
 

There’s a whole card section labelled Just Because for this stuff. Sometimes you just want to show that you care about/love someone with something small like a card or trinket that reminded you of them. Sometimes it’s a big thing you know they’d love but wouldn’t buy themselves. Sometimes your budget isn’t the same as theirs in a gift exchange but that’s completely okay because that’s not the point. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

Who gives a birthday present and expects something in return?

r/niceguys

[Black Tourmaline]

apparently you all trust people a lot more than i do lol. i am a person with zero friends IRL maybe i've just been burned too many times...

 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Black Tourmaline said:

apparently you all trust people a lot more than i do lol. i am a person with zero friends IRL maybe i've just been burned too many times...

 

I also have no friends irl but I still have strong opinions about other people's friends, haha

[Naiwen]

So, if someone I've never seen before, asks me : "Do you remember me?" I've had that happen to me in 2nd cup where my neighbour has been crushing on me and saying "Hi" to me every morning when I used to take public transit with him. I've asked him to stop but he keeps saying : "people should be nice to each other" and has kept talking to me when I've asked him to leave me alone. Been approached by several male random strangers on public transit and on the streets saying outright how beautiful, hot, cute and sexy a woman I am and some saying to me first :  "Have I seen you somewhere before? I'm sure I have", making me feel very awkward and creeped out by it. So I'm pretty that's not me hearing things or being paranoid. I've even had a male salesclerk from a drug store push his female co-worker away to rush to serve me and asking me : "Hi, how are you?" despite me telling him to stop.