Have any older asexuals spent their life conforming to what they should be then discovered they were asexual?

[will123]

1 minute ago, jay williams said:

@MaryofMayo

 

I totally agree with everything you wrote here, as it applies to me. But I think you must be essentially asexual, as am I

I never, never have the desire to F anyone, and I fail to get why others have that desire. So I am definitely weird in that regard. Having said this, I still have erotic feelings, I do get aroused, and I enjoy being aroused. But I have no inclination to convert my arousal to genitally penetrating somebody.

 

X2

[MaryofMayo]

1 hour ago, jay williams said:

@MaryofMayo

 

I totally agree with everything you wrote here, as it applies to me. But I think you must be essentially asexual, as am I.

 

 

I've considered that I may be Gray-Asexual, but not 100% Asexual.  I know that if I had the opportunity to have sex with my favorite rock star - or someone who looks/acts like him - I'd be all about that!  I'm just very, very, VERY particular and the idea of sleeping around just for "fun"  is ridiculous to me.  Under the right circumstances I could be very into it, but at my age those circumstances aren't likely.

[jay williams]

Hey MaryofMayo, you are entitled to "roll your own" when it comes to sexual preferences and sexual activities (or lack thereof). The more you do what YOU want to do, the more I respect you.

 

[MaryofMayo]

2 hours ago, jay williams said:

Hey MaryofMayo, you are entitled to "roll your own" when it comes to sexual preferences and sexual activities (or lack thereof). The more you do what YOU want to do, the more I respect you.

 

Good to hear from you again, Jay, and thanks for your support here.  I'm learning that some people under the Ace Umbrella can be judgemental, but I kinda get it - it's just their own self-doubt manifesting itself.  I'm very pleased, though, that there so many here open to accepting my 'quirks' such as my extreme interest in certain rock stars.  It's probably a good thing I have little interest in recreational sex or I may have ended up as a groupie - LOL!😁

[jay williams]

On 4/16/2021 at 2:42 PM, MaryofMayo said:

Good to hear from you again, Jay, and thanks for your support here.  I'm learning that some people under the Ace Umbrella can be judgemental, but I kinda get it - it's just their own self-doubt manifesting itself.  I'm very pleased, though, that there so many here open to accepting my 'quirks' such as my extreme interest in certain rock stars.  It's probably a good thing I have little interest in recreational sex or I may have ended up as a groupie - LOL!😁

Yep, some in AVEN are judgmental. In my opinion those are ones, especially, who think that all pigeons are assigned their own pigeon holes. Hetero, homo, male, female, lesbian, gay, asexual, are some of the labels involved. I am of the opinion that labels and pigeon holes may fit, but often times don't. Moreover, some of us fluctuate and mutate. The more a person thinks that gender and sex are binary, and immutable the more judgmental the person.

Now then, how is it that you are not a groupie? Oh, because you will not, or have not, considered having sex with rock stars for recreational purposes? I apologize in advance. There are those who believe that asking questions is an invasion of personal space, and consider it most rude. So feel free to answer my question, or to tell me where to stick my question.    

No such thing as a quirk. Everything comes under the rubric of personality or character.

Jay

[BKPR70]

Just wanted to jump in because this is definitely what I lived through. I recently came out at 50 yrs old and of course thought there was something wrong with me all my life. I didn't know anything about asexuality. I thought I was gay at one point. I couldn't figure it out. It was a miserable life. This is my chance to be happy, to be valid, respected and accepted, something I've never experienced. 

[Snao Cone]

52 minutes ago, BKPR70 said:

Just wanted to jump in because this is definitely what I lived through. I recently came out at 50 yrs old and of course thought there was something wrong with me all my life. I didn't know anything about asexuality. I thought I was gay at one point. I couldn't figure it out. It was a miserable life. This is my chance to be happy, to be valid, respected and accepted, something I've never experienced. 

Ow wow, I hope it's an awesome transformation for you. I find epiphanies later on in life have some more euphoric moments of things clicking, like difficult moments of your past make so much more sense to you. It can be mind blowing, in a very good way.

[BKPR70]

2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Ow wow, I hope it's an awesome transformation for you. I find epiphanies later on in life have some more euphoric moments of things clicking, like difficult moments of your past make so much more sense to you. It can be mind blowing, in a very good way.

Yes! I'm still in the process of it all making sense, but I'm getting there. I still feel "programmed" as allo sometimes but I'm getting there. I'm just glad I'm here and able to connect with my community. It's so important right now 🙂

[will123]

1 hour ago, BKPR70 said:

Just wanted to jump in because this is definitely what I lived through. I recently came out at 50 yrs old and of course thought there was something wrong with me all my life. I didn't know anything about asexuality. I thought I was gay at one point. I couldn't figure it out. It was a miserable life. This is my chance to be happy, to be valid, respected and accepted, something I've never experienced. 

Welcome to AVEN!  I never thought there was something wrong with me that I had never had sex with a girl. Nor I didn't think I was gay because I was aesthetically attracted to girls/women. I identified as asexual when I was 44.

35 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Ow wow, I hope it's an awesome transformation for you. I find epiphanies later on in life have some more euphoric moments of things clicking, like difficult moments of your past make so much more sense to you. It can be mind blowing, in a very good way.

X1,000,000

 

@Snao Cone That pretty much sums out EXACTLY how I felt discovering asexuality that morning and then identifying as asexual after surfing a bit that evening. 

 

I just felt so wonderful! 

 

I almost added the WUB! emoji, but that might be a bit much LOL

[BKPR70]

26 minutes ago, will123 said:

Welcome to AVEN!  I never thought there was something wrong with me that I had never had sex with a girl. Nor I didn't think I was gay because I was aesthetically attracted to girls/women. I identified as asexual when I was 44.

X1,000,000

 

@Snao Cone That pretty much sums out EXACTLY how I felt discovering asexuality that morning and then identifying as asexual after surfing a bit that evening. 

 

I just felt so wonderful! 

 

I almost added the WUB! emoji, but that might be a bit much LOL

Hi Will! Thank you for the welcome 🙂 I'm so excited to be around people who understand. I know you "get me" I don't have to explain it lol. I'm also aesthetically attracted to the opposite gender, which made it so difficult to figure out what the HECK was wrong with me. I'm also capable of having a relationship, at least I think so because I haven't tried since coming out. I'm just so flipping happy to be here! I'll get over the newbie honeymoon phase at some point lol. 

[alemaster]

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21 ( and even that was a fluke ), and while it was pretty disappointing it was also the start of a sixteen-year dry spell that slowly convinced me that sex would be The Best Thing When I Finally Had It. Except I did and once the novelty wore off, it was still pretty disappointing.

 

I'd always known of asexuality, but once I started reading more about it I felt like it described me eerily well. And when I recently came out to a couple friends their response was basically "yeah, we kinda figured". I wish they'd told me years ago, haha.

[will123]

@alemaster Welcome to AVEN from the other side of Lake Ontario 

[JaclynA]

On 4/24/2021 at 11:24 PM, BKPR70 said:

I'm also aesthetically attracted to the opposite gender, which made it so difficult to figure out what the HECK was wrong with me.

100% can relate! My husband and I would occasionally talk about our "laminated card," basically a list of people where if they knocked on our door, it was OK to cheat. (Emma Stone for him, Chris Hemsworth for me). But he and I realized something might be up when my fantasy was simply to feel that muscled man give me a hug, to feel and admire his ripped abs, to hang from his strong arms, to hold hands and go on a walk....and that's it. My husband would be like, "That's IT?" And I would be like, "...yes? Is that not what you had in mind if Emma Stone knocked on the door looking for you?" :-S

[reverse_psyched]

I didn't really conform in terms of my sexual behavior but think I still did in my thinking, if that makes sense. I internalized what I perceived to be the mainstream view of sexuality and relationships and just took it for granted that I couldn't have a sustainable relationship if I didn't have sex. So as a result I gave up on relationships pretty early on. Looking back on it, my limited enthusiasm for sex wasn't necessarily a deal breaker for my partners; it was more my own hang up and fear that it would eventually get in the way that made me want to push people away, I guess out of fear of being rejected. Now I am 36 and kind of sad I didn't try harder to for what I might have wanted romantically, even if it would have been challenging. I see that I took a kind of defeatist attitude.

[ValDee]

I am almost 40, and I spent my life conforming to the heterosexual identity that I felt I was supposed to have (due to upbringing, society, etc.).  I only learned of asexuality this year, and that there's nothing wrong with me for not desiring sex or having sexual attraction.  That feels very liberating, and I'm still on the road of discovering more about my romantic attractions.  It took a long time to get to this point, but I'm very grateful for this leg of the life journey!

[will123]

40 minutes ago, ValDee said:

I am almost 40, and I spent my life conforming to the heterosexual identity that I felt I was supposed to have (due to upbringing, society, etc.).  I only learned of asexuality this year, and that there's nothing wrong with me for not desiring sex or having sexual attraction.  That feels very liberating, and I'm still on the road of discovering more about my romantic attractions.  It took a long time to get to this point, but I'm very grateful for this leg of the life journey!

Welcome to AVEN!  I was 44 when I found out about it. Liberating is a commonly used word to describe how folks feel upon reading about asexuality. I felt the same and I think I felt some relief too!

[ValDee]

2 hours ago, will123 said:

Welcome to AVEN!  I was 44 when I found out about it. Liberating is a commonly used word to describe how folks feel upon reading about asexuality. I felt the same and I think I felt some relief too!

Thank you for the welcome, will123! I definitely agree, I felt a HUGE relief when I discovered asexuality! 😁

[Skycaptain]

@ValDee, Welcome 

[ValDee]

1 hour ago, Skycaptain said:

@ValDee, Welcome 

Thank you, Skycaptain!  😁

[JaclynA]

Since learning about my asexuality in my mid-30s I've been looking through my past with a new lens, like many of us older aces do. I often wonder if my life would have turned out differently if I discovered my asexuality earlier, and honestly, I don't think it would be much different. I didn't know what I wanted in life, I'm notoriously indecisive, especially when I was younger, so I pursued the heteronormative narrative (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage) thinking that was the best way to go. Now I know better, obviously.

 

My husband and I met young. We started dating when I was around 16. I fell HARD. Like, obsessed. And we fooled around a bit, but I think I enjoyed it mostly because it was so NEW and a little scandalous as I was from a religious household. My then boyfriend (now husband) was also very much a romantic at heart and wrote me dozens of poems, showered me with roses, the whole 9. I ate it up. Now looking back I think it shows my heteroromantic or demiromantic side as opposed to heterosexual. Hard to tell the difference between the two, at least in my own story. And since again I was part of a conservatively religious household, sex was obviously off-limits and I had no trouble conforming to that. I thought I was "saving myself" for marriage, nbd. It wasn't really much of a struggle, and I wasn't really tempted by other guys until I met this one dude I made out with (nothing more) a few times in Costa Rica.

 

Also, this might be strange, but I think I've become more ace over time. My boyfriend and I were handsy in our teens, but I feel like my sexual desire was lower when we got married. It was definitely lower than his. But due to my religious upbringing, I thought I basically owed my body to my husband and rarely told him no. Now, I know better. I think if I knew about asexuality when I was in my 20s, I would have better stood up for myself and my wants and needs in our marriage. The messages I absorbed from society were 1. my husbands sexual desires matter more than mine and 2. non-sexual desires are less important than sexual ones. Double whammy. I'm happy to finally be unlearning that toxic BS and am enjoying exploring myself and finding out what my real desires are. I just want someone to brush my hair, man. Feels so good. And thankfully I now know that my desire to have my hair brushed is just as valid and important as my husband's desire to bang. ❤️

[will123]

20 minutes ago, JaclynA said:

Since learning about my asexuality in my mid-30s I've been looking through my past with a new lens, like many of us older aces do. I often wonder if my life would have turned out differently if I discovered my asexuality earlier, and honestly, I don't think it would be much different.

I've looked back at my 'straight life' and other than not having a few moments of anger and heartbreak, knowing that I was asexual sooner (I definitely was one step away from knowing I was aro) wouldn't have made a big difference in how I lived my life.

[JaiBee]

My biggest role model in my teens was my left-wing feminist mother, who brought me up to believe that it was a liberated woman's right to enjoy sex (not to have sex out of obligation, but as something fun to be in control of). She used to tease me for being 'square' since I only lost my virginity in my 20s with my first serious boyfriend. So I always figured there must be something wrong with me if I had this awesome positive role model at home and yet sex just didn't really do much for me. So conforming, in my case, wasn't to society norms in general, but to the (mis)guidance my mum tried to give me in hopes of raising a happy daughter.

 

I figured out last year that I'm ace (not out to my husband of 20 years yet — not sure how to have that particular conversation, especially since we have a good balance in our lives and he respects all my boundaries) and honestly so much makes sense now. I just wish I'd known about asexuality back in the 80s and 90s, when I was in my teens and 20s.

[Ja9]

All my life so far I have probably done what I thought was expected of me to be part of the norm. Have sex and stay in relationships just to please everyone else to be part of their norm. I now know that I'm not the normal and that's okay. I don't care what others think is normal. I'm  now happy with who I am and can express it. I'm free to be me without labels from those who think I'm not normal because of their lack of understanding. 

[Tanwen]

Welcome @Ja9 (and you love Snoopy too!!!  ), I discovered asexuality much later than you - but up to that point, like you, I tried to fit in with what others considered 'normal', it was so liberating not to have to pretend any more 

 

[jay williams]

On 5/18/2021 at 8:46 PM, JaclynA said:

Since learning about my asexuality in my mid-30s I've been looking through my past with a new lens, like many of us older aces do. I often wonder if my life would have turned out differently if I discovered my asexuality earlier, and honestly, I don't think it would be much different. I didn't know what I wanted in life, I'm notoriously indecisive, especially when I was younger, so I pursued the heteronormative narrative (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage) thinking that was the best way to go. Now I know better, obviously.

 

My husband and I met young. We started dating when I was around 16. I fell HARD. Like, obsessed. And we fooled around a bit, but I think I enjoyed it mostly because it was so NEW and a little scandalous as I was from a religious household. My then boyfriend (now husband) was also very much a romantic at heart and wrote me dozens of poems, showered me with roses, the whole 9. I ate it up. Now looking back I think it shows my heteroromantic or demiromantic side as opposed to heterosexual. Hard to tell the difference between the two, at least in my own story. And since again I was part of a conservatively religious household, sex was obviously off-limits and I had no trouble conforming to that. I thought I was "saving myself" for marriage, nbd. It wasn't really much of a struggle, and I wasn't really tempted by other guys until I met this one dude I made out with (nothing more) a few times in Costa Rica.

 

Also, this might be strange, but I think I've become more ace over time. My boyfriend and I were handsy in our teens, but I feel like my sexual desire was lower when we got married. It was definitely lower than his. But due to my religious upbringing, I thought I basically owed my body to my husband and rarely told him no. Now, I know better. I think if I knew about asexuality when I was in my 20s, I would have better stood up for myself and my wants and needs in our marriage. The messages I absorbed from society were 1. my husbands sexual desires matter more than mine and 2. non-sexual desires are less important than sexual ones. Double whammy. I'm happy to finally be unlearning that toxic BS and am enjoying exploring myself and finding out what my real desires are. I just want someone to brush my hair, man. Feels so good. And thankfully I now know that my desire to have my hair brushed is just as valid and important as my husband's desire to bang. ❤️

The thing to know is that the "desire to bang" is no more valid than any other desire.  Nor more desirable, sexy, erotic, intimate, or loving than any other desire. For some of us, "banging" is less desirable, sexy, erotic, intimate, or loving than many things or activities.

 

[muffinmamak]

I spent my life trying to conform and it was fairly disasterous. I am finally free ti be myself. I can't believe it has taken me 50 years.  

[muffinmamak]

When I was in my 20's I made up fantasies about having deep I intellectual bonds with people, would write a whole backstory and future story to get through the one night stands I thought I had no choice but to have. I had no idea that I was not allowed to say no. So I pretended each lover was my life love g best friend and create an entire short story in my mind to make it ok. Other people have sexual fantasies to get through their lives that arent sexual enough for their wishes. I had emotional bond adventure fantasies to get through the life that was more sexual than I wanted it to be. It took so long to learn I could say no, and was then labelled as a prude or bitch. The day i discovered the term "demisexual" was the beginning of my journey to freedom ♡

[muffinmamak]

So many typos, sorry. My phone screen is very cracked 

[imnotafreakofnature!]

I often joke that I'm such a hermit, I make hermits look like party animals. And I'm becoming more so as I get older. Growing up in the military, you become an expert at making friends, but don't get any experience at keeping them for the long haul. Consequently, I learned early on how to enjoy my own company, and after a lifetime of being belittled for being "different" (whether it was sexually, politically, spiritually, the fact that I'm not a drinker or otherwise a "party girl," or whatever other context), I'm just happiest now keeping to myself. 

 

I grew up with an atheist dad, and a church-going mom who insisted we kids go to church, so (like many others here) my excuse as a teen was that I was saving myself for marriage.

 

In addition to being an atheist, Kyle was also an abusive alcoholic, and Joan was the typical textbook case codependent/martyr who, as a christian, COULDN'T leave him because she'd "made a vow before god." Consequently, I grew up with no self esteem whatsoever, and a  warped idea of what being a woman was supposed to be about. Since I was obviously too stupid and lazy to make anything of myself (and didn't know what I wanted anyway because I was too busy trying to survive an insane "home" to be able to figure out what I wanted or might be good at), marriage (rather than college and career) was my only way out - but that's what everybody did anyway (at least in the church circles I was familiar with), so it was kind of a no-brainer and didn't make me stand out as different from anybody else. 

 

My first marriage lasted 12 years, and I was absolutely convinced that my lack of interest in sex was because of the way he treated me. I was single again for 14 years between my two marriages (only dated three times in those years), and it didn't take too long for me to lose interest again even though my second husband was a radically different person than my first. So, in the name of "trying to fix what was wrong with me" (because for those of us who grow up in dysfunctional homes, it's ALWAYS about US being broken and defective), I started doing some research. That's how, eight years into my second marriage, I discovered asexuality. My husband didn't want to believe it, he wanted to believe it was just menopause and that there was a pill to fix it. (I asked him why HE couldn't find a pill to make him NOT want sex anymore. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.) I suggested that he check out AVEN, but he never went beyond an article that said SOME asexuals, while not really wanting sex, still enjoy it when they do decide to engage in it. That was all he needed to become even more convinced that I was the problem and needed to see someone about it - a doctor to give me a pill to fix it, and maybe even a therapist to help me figure out "what was wrong with me." I refused. We limped along for a few more years, but that finally ended last fall (also after 12 years) - although sex wasn't our only issue by a long shot.

 

Despite his insistence that menopause robbed me of my sex drive, what I lost during menopause WASN'T my desire for sex (which was non-existent) - what I lost was my willingness to continue going along with something I never really wanted in the first place. After all, that's what people do, right? They have sex every day of their lives. "Normal" people, anyway, people who aren't "broken" and "defective." Although I never really wanted sex, I didn't have anything against it when I was younger; but after a lifetime of being treated as little more than an object on which men gratify themselves, like my only value as a human being is between my legs, I've become sex-repulsed. Now, even the thought of it just absolutely disgusts me. I had come to believe that sex is the price you have to pay to be in a relationship, and I finally reached the point in my life that I wasn't willing to pay it anymore. To me, it felt like selling a piece of my soul every time just to keep someone else happy - as though MY happiness was irrelevant - and I finally decided being in a relationship wasn't worth it.

 

In addition, I had started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings (despite the name, it's for anyone who grew up with ANY kind of dysfunction - foster care system, narcissistic or mentally ill parents or siblings, suicide in the family, parents addicted to porn, gambling, drugs/alcohol, etc.) and I was finally beginning to build some self esteem and find my voice and learn to stand up for myself. Now that I'm single again (again), I have no intention of ever getting involved in another sexual/romantic relationship again as long as I live. I'm too busy being happy on my own, and discovering this amazing person called "ME" for the first time in my life! 😃😃😃🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖

[jay williams]

On 6/25/2021 at 4:34 PM, imnotafreakofnature! said:

 

 

After a lifetime of being treated as little more than an object on which men gratify themselves, like my only value as a human being is between my legs, I've become sex-repulsed. Now, even the thought of it just absolutely disgusts me. I had come to believe that sex is the price you have to pay to be in a relationship, and I finally reached the point in my life that I wasn't willing to pay it anymore. To me, it felt like selling a piece of my soul every time just to keep someone else happy - as though MY happiness was irrelevant - and I finally decided being in a relationship wasn't worth it.

 

In addition, I had started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings (despite the name, it's for anyone who grew up with ANY kind of dysfunction - foster care system, narcissistic or mentally ill parents or siblings, suicide in the family, parents addicted to porn, gambling, drugs/alcohol, etc.). . . .  

I did not know that ACOC was an organization that welcomed people who grew up in dysfunctional families apart from alcoholism. Thanks for the info on that.

 

I like the matter of fact way you put your feelings---of your only value consisting of what was between your legs. Makes me stop and think. I used to get aroused with regard to exploring the nether parts of a woman. I am too old to get aroused anymore, and I have not even thought about THAT in many years. It has been over 30 years since I have touched a woman between her legs. Time and age has not only erased any yearning, it is a negative thought for me as well. Thanks for sharing the biographical sketch of your life.