Have any older asexuals spent their life conforming to what they should be then discovered they were asexual?

[Tyke]

1 hour ago, Naomi2002 said:

Well, I tried to.  Until I found it emotionally too painful to "do relationships" at all, so been on my own since 30.

(Now 50 and only just worked it out - hoping that, with this understanding, "relationships" can start to change for me... wish me luck!)

Good luck!

 

There is (or at least was) a pretty active UK meet-up scene. Whereabouts are you?

[Sylvestra]

Except for one very short ill-fated relationship, I have not conformed, but I have been guilty and unhappy and confused about it.

[Guest]

On 12/5/2020 at 11:46 AM, Midland Tyke said:

Good luck!

 

There is (or at least was) a pretty active UK meet-up scene. Whereabouts are you?

Thank you @Midland Tyke, I really appreciate that!

I'm glad to hear that UK meet-ups are active... in ordinary times. 

Is there some way I can be alerted when things start up again? 

It would be great to meet some new people face to face 🙂

I'm in Hertfordshire.

[will123]

21 minutes ago, Naomi2002 said:

Thank you @Midland Tyke, I really appreciate that!

I'm glad to hear that UK meet-ups are active... in ordinary times. 

Is there some way I can be alerted when things start up again? 

It would be great to meet some new people face to face 🙂

I'm in Hertfordshire.

There is the meet-up section elsewhere on AVEN, you might want to check it out. 🙂

[Tyke]

1 hour ago, Naomi2002 said:

Thank you @Midland Tyke, I really appreciate that!

I'm glad to hear that UK meet-ups are active... in ordinary times. 

Is there some way I can be alerted when things start up again? 

It would be great to meet some new people face to face 🙂

I'm in Hertfordshire.

As Will says, there is a meet-up section on the website. It is organised country by country and within the UK there is a master-thread detailing all the currently planned meetings. 

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/62-united-kingdom-and-ireland/

 

I'm in Worcestershire. But wont be attending meetings until the health situation is better/clearer. Hopefully in the Spring!

 

 

[Peace_of_Ace]

I didn't really admit my asexuality to myself until I was 35 and had been married for 12 years (about a year ago).  It was just a perfect storm of my upbringing: a misogynistic father, an insecure mother who obsessed over her looks and sexual appeal.  It was just drilled into me how important it was to be attractive and sexy so that I could attract a man who would support me (because I was stupid and incapable of supporting myself -- turns out I just had ADD that no one cared to address).  I can remember a time when I was around 19 or so and my dad had a conversation with me about how he noticed that I didn't seem interested in dating -- I had one boyfriend in high school but I broke up with him as soon as it started getting physical.  So he said he was concerned about it and that he actually suspected that I was asexual and how terrible that would be because I'd be a lonely freak.  So I stuffed it all down and tried to be "normal."  Can you imagine if I just had a little support?  I hate to even think about it.

 

It took a long time to undo all of that garbage.  The thing is, I like my husband.  He's a good guy, a good father, but he's unsatisfied.  He doesn't want to open anything up, he doesn't want to get divorced, so he's just kind of miserable and I feel awful about it.  I know we'll find our way eventually.

[Libellule]

.

[will123]

20 minutes ago, fairyofsuburbia said:

not being into it at all is a valid option.

Love that!

 

It sounds like something my friend could've said when I came out to her.

[Alyrian]

On 12/24/2020 at 10:37 AM, fairyofsuburbia said:

I'm probably younger than everyone else in this thread, but I spent over 10 years of my life trying to conform and thinking something was wrong with me for not being able to connect to sex in the same way everyone else seemed to be effortlessly able to. It was a major eye-opening moment when I realised simply not being into it at all was a valid option.

Same here except for 20 years instead of 10 years. I think part of the problem is that I also struggle with some anxiety and commitment issues that make relationships in general tricky. So once every year or two I'd try dating, find someone who was interested, things would escalate physically, I'd feel nothing, I'd shut it down and make some kind of promise to "work on myself" and repeat the cycle. It took me a very long time to admit that maybe I just wasn't interested in sex and there wasn't a "problem" per se.

[Teddy_bear]

Yes, things never made sense and were uncomfortable. I thought something was broken I pulled way back. I tried discussing it with my wife and she didn't want to hear it. I started reading and searching online and kept coming up to asexual definitions and reading here on AVEN it started making sense. It all clicked together. Thanks to this website! I have friends from this community I can talk to about life with now. 

 

 

[slywlf]

This is so me!

(edited in after the fact) This is long so I will not be offended if you don't read it all

 

I had no really helpful guide growing up - long story but basically I had a single mom, bipolar, narcissist and borderline nympho, with two kids she was raising while being not much more than a mental kid herself, so no male influence except the occasional guy she would 'see' for a while and her mood swings making our lives a constant walking on eggs. The only thing I got from her was the mixed message of sex is great, but don't do it or you might get pregnant 🥴

So at a very early age I had to find my own role models, which turned out to be Thomas Jefferson and Mr Spock LOL - both chosen for their brilliant minds.

 

In fact had there been any hint of information about asexuality early in my life it would have been such a blessing! My innate tendencies emerged extremely early, but not centered on sex. Though I was fascinated by the subject, it was in an abstract and impersonal way, which probably gave my mom the wrong idea - she thought I wasn't dating out of an abundance of caution after all her warnings, when in reality the one high school party I attended simply confirmed that all the kids around me were hot to trot, but I would have galloped in the opposite direction had any of the guys attempted to come on to me. I had developed an aura - partly deliberate, partly accidental - of a combination of shyness, aloofness and intellectual preoccupation that kept the randy boys from even approaching me.

 

However in college I began to wonder if I was broken. My personal fantasies kept me satisfied privately, but I still had no interest in getting physical with a partner. Eventually I got fed up with the title of virgin and on a vacation I initiated a brief fling, knowing I would never have to see him again, but it was every bit as unsatisfying as I imagined. Oddly I think I did it just to be able to tell my mother I had done it so maybe she would stop worrying about there being something wrong with me, SMH

 

Yet by now I was getting more concerned myself, and I tried again when the opportunity arose, and again. Then I stopped trying. I still felt no lack in my life by the lack of sex, but everyone I knew was busy getting boyfriends, husbands, divorces, and so on. I didn't see the point. Then in a perfect storm of timing, concern about my lack of normalcy and a shared love of fishing, I met the man I would up married to for 30 years. Can you spell clusterfuck? 😵

 

I clearly recall telling him, early in the relationship, that I wasn't sure I was capable of loving anyone. Naturally he reassured me that he would be patient. I went into the relationship pragmatically - sex was expected, and I faked it surprisingly well. It was nice to snuggle afterwards, and I liked that part, and he was a good hugger. Sadly that wasn't enough to make a good marriage, but we were both too stubborn to give up, and I ultimately outlived him. 

 

Happily that was about when the asexual tag first began to impinge on my awareness, and then aromantic!!!. If these had been taught in sex-ed I could have skipped the nonsense and been happily pursuing my real interests all these years, rather than giving them up to satisfy society and my family and husband's family - in short satisfying everyone but me 😢

Now that I have freedom of choice I am too old to follow most of those early dreams - bad back means no dancing - but I am slowly reopening my shuttered box of creative outlets, and trying my hand again at drawing, sewing design and writing.

Sorry for the lengthy screed, but it all just started pouring out.

 

[Guest]

@slywlf Thank you for sharing.  I particularly like your very quotable statement: "If these had been taught in sex-ed I could have skipped the nonsense and been happily pursuing my real interests all these years, rather than giving them up to satisfy society and my family and husband's family - in short satisfying everyone but me."

[SapphireGoddess]

Yes. After several years of marriage I came to terms with my feelings that I didn't want to have sex anymore and voicing this to my husband, years before discovering the term asexual.

 

I don't think he fully understood but as of recently I was able to talk to him about it more in depth. The situation is the same though. I still conform to the relationship because we haven't come up with an alternative that would make both of us happy. Easier to continue on as usual I guess. Lots of discussing to do.

Edited January 5, 2021 by SapphireGoddess

[Teddy_bear]

On 1/1/2021 at 7:07 PM, slywlf said:

This is so me!

(edited in after the fact) This is long so I will not be offended if you don't read it all

 

I had no really helpful guide growing up - long story but basically I had a single mom, bipolar, narcissist and borderline nympho, with two kids she was raising while being not much more than a mental kid herself, so no male influence except the occasional guy she would 'see' for a while and her mood swings making our lives a constant walking on eggs. The only thing I got from her was the mixed message of sex is great, but don't do it or you might get pregnant 🥴

So at a very early age I had to find my own role models, which turned out to be Thomas Jefferson and Mr Spock LOL - both chosen for their brilliant minds.

 

In fact had there been any hint of information about asexuality early in my life it would have been such a blessing! My innate tendencies emerged extremely early, but not centered on sex. Though I was fascinated by the subject, it was in an abstract and impersonal way, which probably gave my mom the wrong idea - she thought I wasn't dating out of an abundance of caution after all her warnings, when in reality the one high school party I attended simply confirmed that all the kids around me were hot to trot, but I would have galloped in the opposite direction had any of the guys attempted to come on to me. I had developed an aura - partly deliberate, partly accidental - of a combination of shyness, aloofness and intellectual preoccupation that kept the randy boys from even approaching me.

 

However in college I began to wonder if I was broken. My personal fantasies kept me satisfied privately, but I still had no interest in getting physical with a partner. Eventually I got fed up with the title of virgin and on a vacation I initiated a brief fling, knowing I would never have to see him again, but it was every bit as unsatisfying as I imagined. Oddly I think I did it just to be able to tell my mother I had done it so maybe she would stop worrying about there being something wrong with me, SMH

 

Yet by now I was getting more concerned myself, and I tried again when the opportunity arose, and again. Then I stopped trying. I still felt no lack in my life by the lack of sex, but everyone I knew was busy getting boyfriends, husbands, divorces, and so on. I didn't see the point. Then in a perfect storm of timing, concern about my lack of normalcy and a shared love of fishing, I met the man I would up married to for 30 years. Can you spell clusterfuck? 😵

 

I clearly recall telling him, early in the relationship, that I wasn't sure I was capable of loving anyone. Naturally he reassured me that he would be patient. I went into the relationship pragmatically - sex was expected, and I faked it surprisingly well. It was nice to snuggle afterwards, and I liked that part, and he was a good hugger. Sadly that wasn't enough to make a good marriage, but we were both too stubborn to give up, and I ultimately outlived him. 

 

Happily that was about when the asexual tag first began to impinge on my awareness, and then aromantic!!!. If these had been taught in sex-ed I could have skipped the nonsense and been happily pursuing my real interests all these years, rather than giving them up to satisfy society and my family and husband's family - in short satisfying everyone but me 😢

Now that I have freedom of choice I am too old to follow most of those early dreams - bad back means no dancing - but I am slowly reopening my shuttered box of creative outlets, and trying my hand again at drawing, sewing design and writing.

Sorry for the lengthy screed, but it all just started pouring out.

 

Hi I understand all too well but at least you survived and that chapter is all over with. Any time you want to talk to someone I am open. 

[Teddy_bear]

3 hours ago, SapphireGoddess said:

Yes. After several years of marriage I came to terms with my feelings that I didn't want to have sex anymore and voicing this to my husband, years before discovering the term asexual.

 

I don't think he fully understood but as of recently I was able to talk to him about it more in depth. The situation is the same though. I still conform to the relationship because we haven't come up with an alternative that would make both of us happy. Easier to continue on as usual I guess. Lots of discussing to do.

It's not easy is it. I'm staying married, we're friends. I get what you're saying. 

[Kel68]

I'm 52 and have spent all of it confused, conforming at times and totally alone. I'd like to have an emotionally and intellectually intimate partner or friend but I don't know how to go about it or explain me. If that makes any sense. So I am alone and at times lonely especially now with Covid. Thanks for listening. 

[daveb]

@Kel68, welcome and  !

[Kel68]

2 minutes ago, daveb said:

@Kel68, welcome and  !

Thank you. 😊

[will123]

1 hour ago, Kel68 said:

I'm 52 and have spent all of it confused, conforming at times and totally alone. I'd like to have an emotionally and intellectually intimate partner or friend but I don't know how to go about it or explain me. If that makes any sense. So I am alone and at times lonely especially now with Covid. Thanks for listening. 

Welcome to AVEN  I I'm 59 and as much as I have no interest in sex, I do have a couple of female friends that I keep in touch. One I've known since we were teenagers and the other, I met a couple of years before I figured out I was asexual back in 2005. I'm out to them (in recent years). They understand and it hasn't changed our friendships.  That being said, I haven't really bothered to expand my social circle in the ensuing years.

[Skycaptain]

@Kel68, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[Kel68]

Will123 thank you for sharing. Glad your friends are so accepting. 

[NewStart]

I have spent most of my life conforming to the society norms.  Every time I have not , I have been criticized, condemned or misunderstood by people, most particularly by my father.  2020 was a year of change.  With so much more time on my hands and counseling I came to the realization that I am asexual.  A lot of my poor self esteem comes from trying to fit in and make the people around me happy.  That has backfired big time.   I have made many unhappy since coming out.  Those people are being phased out of my life and the ones that are accepting me I am actually building even better and stronger relationships.  

[Let Them Beet Cake]

Good for you @NewStart!  Be true to yourself and hopefully you'll find the happiness you deserve.

[NewStart]

10 minutes ago, Let Them Beet Cake said:

Good for you @NewStart!  Be true to yourself and hopefully you'll find the happiness you deserve.

Thanks!  I’m hopeful!😊

[Joe63]

I only recently discovered that I am an ACE. Had no idea what was going on with me in my earlier years.

[Kel68]

1 hour ago, Joe63 said:

I only recently discovered that I am an ACE. Had no idea what was going on with me in my earlier years.

Same here. It's good to have some understanding of myself. Just wished it hadn't taken so long and been such a struggle.

 

[will123]

3 hours ago, Joe63 said:

I only recently discovered that I am an ACE. Had no idea what was going on with me in my earlier years.

Welcome to AVEN from southern Ontario!  

[Joe63]

Hello from Nova Scotia

[slywlf]

On 1/20/2021 at 5:14 PM, Joe63 said:

I only recently discovered that I am an ACE. Had no idea what was going on with me in my earlier years.

Ditto - but despite the new sets of issues (out or in, for example) it is such a relief to finally understand why! 

[Vysicle]

I think I always found an excuse to not conform to anything. Or rather than an excuse, I found ways to justify why I didn't feel like having sex. At first I said I was focusing on my studies, then I spent years trying to come out as gay, but afraid of doing it, then I ended up joining a church, and knew I couldn't act on my attraction to guys anyways. And after a difficult "breakup" with this church, I just assumed that I was already used to the idea of being "alone" even after feeling comfortable with calling myself gay.

It turns out, all this time, and just a few years short of being 40, that I just didn't have the interest, And it didn't have anything to do with studies, or religion, or resignation.