Asexual and getting in an arranged marriage

[happy asexual]

So i am an Indian girl in her late twenties (about to be 30 in a few months) and i have finally succumbed to my family pressure of getting married and said yes to a guy recently after meeting him only once cause my only criteria was whether i was comfortable talking to him or not which i was and also the family is very liberal. But i am worried about my future life as a married woman. i am getting engaged in a few days and as the guy is working in the US, he will leave in a few days after the engagement so i feel oddly relieved that i would only need to keep in touch over the phone for the time being . the next time when he comes would be by next year at which time we will get married so i will use this time to get comfortable with the idea of marriage but it doesn't change the fact that i am asexual and very worried about that aspect of the married life especially since i will have to live with him alone in the US and there wont be any saving or alibis that i can use for too long, on top of that i am also not a romantic person so the way the guy flirts with me sometimes puts me off but i obviously cant tell him that so i just told him to stop doing it since it is too early and hence it weirds me out. i had tried telling my mom about my sexuality but she instead thought that i was trying to escape marriage and that asexuality is not a thing and i definitely think that no one will get it so i have decided to go with the flow and leave everything for as it comes cause i am overthinking and it is affecting my daily life even before our engagement. i can tell the guy likes me too much and i don't know how he will react when he eventually knows about my lack of interest in sex. telling anyone now is not an option i have cause my engagement news is out in the society already and now there is no turning back for me.

[Bzztoh]

Whatever you do, please be as open to him as you feel comfortable with. A lot is possible in a relation, if there is love, respect and communication. But most of all, communication.

 

That being said, I think you have a not so easy path ahead of you and I wish you luck, love and strength.

[Loading]

Ouch.  

I think you have two options. 

The easy option: go with the flow.  Marry this guy, please your parents, follow tradition and all that.

Or the hard option:  Have "stronger" words with your mother about your (lack of) sexuality and explain that you originally agreed to this because you wanted to make HER happy and that you love her very much and all that.  BUT this is not something you want or believe will make you happy and if she loves you than she needs to accept that.

 

It's not fair on yourself and not fair on your future husband if you go through with this just because your mother is peer pressuring you.

[happy asexual]

4 minutes ago, Bzztoh said:

Whatever you do, please be as open to him as you feel comfortable with. A lot is possible in a relation, if there is love, respect and communication. But most of all, communication.

 

That being said, I think you have a not so easy path ahead of you and I wish you luck, love and strength.

i know i am doomed and trust me i have tried to save myself for as long as i could but i know my parents are extremely unhappy and i have done this only for them

[happy asexual]

1 minute ago, Loading said:

Ouch.  

I think you have two options. 

The easy option: go with the flow.  Marry this guy, please your parents, follow tradition and all that.

Or the hard option:  Have "stronger" words with your mother about your (lack of) sexuality and explain that you originally agreed to this because you wanted to make HER happy and that you love her very much and all that.  BUT this is not something you want or believe will make you happy and if she loves you than she needs to accept that.

 

It's not fair on yourself and not fair on your future husband if you go through with this just because your mother is peer pressuring you.

i have tried the hard option for 7 years now without the part about my parents understanding my sexuality (or lack of). my mum outright refused to acknowledge it as a real thing and i am only now going ahead is cause i am tired of fighting them everyday so i have taken a plunge. i really dont know how things will turn out but i am hoping for the best.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

To me, letting your family dictate your life and agreeing to marriage was a horrible idea, especially without communication on the fact that you’re asexual. I couldn’t even imagine myself in this situation but I’d have to fight as hard as I could to stop it if it was me. I think you should stand up for yourself and force people to respect you for your asexuality because this is something that’ll potentially affect the rest of your life and the life of the person you’re marrying who doesn’t even know that you’re asexual. Whatever you do, show confidence in yourself and your personal feelings. I’ve found that the more you respect yourself, the more other people will have respect towards what you’re saying

 

(Sorry if I’m lacking any context on your story or if I’m being inconsiderate with my words. I’d just really like for people in situations such as yours to thrive)

[happy asexual]

1 hour ago, Star Lion said:

To me, letting your family dictate your life and agreeing to marriage was a horrible idea, especially without communication on the fact that you’re asexual. I couldn’t even imagine myself in this situation but I’d have to fight as hard as I could to stop it if it was me. I think you should stand up for yourself and force people to respect you for your asexuality because this is something that’ll potentially affect the rest of your life and the life of the person you’re marrying who doesn’t even know that you’re asexual. Whatever you do, show confidence in yourself and your personal feelings. I’ve found that the more you respect yourself, the more other people will have respect towards what you’re saying

 

(Sorry if I’m lacking any context on your story or if I’m being inconsiderate with my words. I’d just really like for people in situations such as yours to thrive)

Well i dont blame you for your tone cause you dont know my entire situation. i come from a very small town and very conservative community where kids dont enjoy a lot of freedom but i luckily do for most part but sexuality is something people dont discuss about and i did reveal to my mom about my sexual disinterest only for her to take me to a counselor who told me i was being irrationally scared of marriage. that was the point i knew that when a professional refuses to acknowledge my problem, no one will. i tried to deflect this situation for 7 long years but i am tired and have decided to go with the flow as i have no other option. i really wish from the bottom of my heart i could do something but i really cant.

[everywhere and nowhere]

If there was no other option, I would beg him for no sex. But I'm simply sex-averse and the idea of being a (man's) wife, a mother and a sexual partner feels worse than death for me.

 

And:

 

ARRANGED MARRIAGE = SEXUAL VIOLENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HANDS OFF OUR BODIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEX - WILL = TORTURE

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

38 minutes ago, happy asexual said:

Well i dont blame you for your tone cause you dont know my entire situation. i come from a very small town and very conservative community where kids dont enjoy a lot of freedom but i luckily do for most part but sexuality is something people dont discuss about and i did reveal to my mom about my sexual disinterest only for her to take me to a counselor who told me i was being irrationally scared of marriage. that was the point i knew that when a professional refuses to acknowledge my problem, no one will. i tried to deflect this situation for 7 long years but i am tired and have decided to go with the flow as i have no other option. i really wish from the bottom of my heart i could do something but i really cant.

Some things are a longer process. Please don’t stop fighting, it’s your life and you deserve to take control of it

[- Saph -]

I'm really sorry for your situation and I understand your decision taken under pressure.

However the risk of having to divorce is going to be really high. If this happens hopefully this would not bring a greater shame to the family.

And most importantly, you need to make things cristal clear before ending up in a foreign country with your husband.

[Yoruka]

Try and run if you're stable (financially). Or even better, try to convince this guy you can't have the relationship he wants. Neither will be easy.

[happy asexual]

20 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

I'm really sorry for your situation and I understand your decision taken under pressure.

However the risk of having to divorce is going to be really high. If this happens hopefully this would not bring a greater shame to the family.

And most importantly, you need to make things cristal clear before ending up in a foreign country with your husband.

I am trying to analyze the guy and well i have realized he isnt a kind of guy who would force himself on me. I am really hoping to open up to him one day. I really hope it isnt all that bad as i am imagining 

[happy asexual]

24 minutes ago, Yoruka said:

Try and run if you're stable (financially). Or even better, try to convince this guy you can't have the relationship he wants. Neither will be easy.

I cant run away. I used to work independently until i decided to join my fathers business. I really cant run. This is the only option for me. I am really hoping to have a conversation with that guy cause he is genuinely a very nice person whom i would like if not for my sexuality being a secret.

[happy asexual]

1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

If there was no other option, I would beg him for no sex. But I'm simply sex-averse and the idea of being a (man's) wife, a mother and a sexual partner feels worse than death for me.

 

And:

 

ARRANGED MARRIAGE = SEXUAL VIOLENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HANDS OFF OUR BODIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEX - WILL = TORTURE

That i would. I am not going to do anymore things against my will than i already am. It is gonna bring a storm and i realize im getting an innocent man involved but i seriously have no option at the moment unless i kill myself

[Philip027]

Well this sounds like it'll end well.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

I don't get why these sorts of barbaric practices still exist in this day and age.  Not only are they harmful to the person being pressured, they're unfair on the person they're getting married to as well (although, one could say that if you willingly sign up for this whole "arranged marriage" racket, you're practically begging for problems)

[happy asexual]

11 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Well this sounds like it'll end well.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

I don't get why these sorts of barbaric practices still exist in this day and age.  Not only are they harmful to the person being pressured, they're unfair on the person they're getting married to as well (although, one could say that if you willingly sign up for this whole "arranged marriage" racket, you're practically begging for problems)

I know but sometimes its hard to make people understand our situation if they belong to different cultures. I am doing this as i have no other option.

[Philip027]

Oh, I'm not blaming you, just the society/culture that still allows (nay; pushes for) this sort of thing to keep happening in the New 20s.

[happy asexual]

15 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Oh, I'm not blaming you, just the society/culture that still allows (nay; pushes for) this sort of thing to keep happening in the New 20s.

Oh no dont worry i didnt think you were. I knew i might get reactions like these cause not everywhere arrange marriage is a thing. Just to clarify im a muslim girl from a small town with really conservative people. Arranged marriages are very common here but im not sure how many of them suffer from issues relating to sexuality in their marriages. Anyways i am asking for problems and i guess thats what i get for being a coward and giving up. 

[uhtred]

I'm sorry to be ignorant of how this works, but how much choice do you have?  What happens if you say not to the marriage? Can you talk to your parents about this?   Is homosexuality accepted at all? That might be an easy lie for them to accept. 

 

Can you talk to your future husband? Tell him the truth and he can decline the marriage (or can he?)

 

If you, as an asexual, end up marrying a sexual man, you are dooming *both* of you to a lifetime of unhappiness.   It is deeply unfair to both of you.  You might suffer unwanted sex all your life.  Or, if you tell him and he doesn't have sex with you, he will live what may feel like a loveless life.   There may be a compromise, but its unlikely either of you will be happy.

 

I believe that most parents who arrange marriages honestly are trying to do the best for their children - using their much greater experience to help their children avoid mistakes.  In this case though, they simply do no know an absolutely vital piece of information about  you.  I think you  have to tell them.   

 

 

[Guest]

I think your best bet might be to make the guy think the kind of arrangement you're thinking of (sexless partnership to make your parents happy) will be beneficial for him, too. Maybe he'll be happy with just making his family happy, as well. Since you'll both be living in the US (if I didn't misunderstand), maybe he'll be happy to be able to find a woman he actually loves, while you're his official wife, you know?

I think being honest with him is extremely important, it'll help both of you. I hope you're right and he won't force himself on you (I don't think you can see if a guy is capable of raping someone), but he should know that it's not that you don't want him, you don't want sex - because hurting a guy's ego can be dangerous.

Good luck, I hope things will work out alright.

[communityabed]

I guess I am wading into controversy by saying this, but can I just say that at least you won't have any regrets about causing unhappiness to your parents? I am from India too, so I know just how you feel. Somehow it's very hard to rebel against Indian parents. It's just the way we are conditioned. My mum worried day and night about my marriage. It will have been 3 years this month that she passed away. To this day I blame myself for her death. She died from colon cancer. She also had schizophrenia and I strongly suspect undiagnosed BPD. So you can imagine her state of mind about my persistent refusals to get married. I think the constant worry somehow led to cancer.

I

[Philip027]

Quote

I think the constant worry somehow led to cancer.

That's not really how cancer works.

 

You aren't to blame for your parents' issues

[communityabed]

5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

That's not really how cancer works.

There's absolutely no link whatsover? I am genuinely asking. I thought constant worry could lead to reduced immunity. Also read about link between the mind and the gut. Sorry for taking the thread off topic.

[Guest]

Parents have absolutely no right to their children's lives and how they live it. You're allowed to be happy and live for yourself, not for your mom. Don't even think for a second that you're responsible for her life, health or happiness. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Philip027]

Cancer occurs as the result of genetic mutations (which can be hereditary or as the result of outside influences, typically referred to as carcinogens) resulting in faulty (cancerous) cells to become unwittingly replicated in the body.

 

You aren't responsible for her genes (it's the other way around, if anything) and "worry" isn't a carcinogen.

[communityabed]

10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Cancer occurs as the result of genetic mutations (which can be hereditary or as the result of outside influences, typically referred to as carcinogens) resulting in faulty (cancerous) cells to become unwittingly replicated in the body.

 

You aren't responsible for her genes (it's the other way around, if anything) and "worry" isn't a carcinogen.

All right. I guess I have caused the OP unnecessary worry with my baseless assumptions. Please forget what I said OP.

[Philip027]

I didn't mean to shut down your entire post on the matter; all I was trying to say is that you're not to blame for your mom getting cancer.  In all likelihood, you weren't to blame for her schizophrenia or BPD either.

 

It's this sort of self-blaming attitude that allows a lot of these parents to ultimately get their way regarding the whole "arranged marriage" practice, because kids are led to believe they are somehow responsible for their parents' lives going down the shitter (for things they are actually not responsible for in the least) and they end up relenting to their parents' wishes as a result.  It is cowardly manipulation on the part of the parents on more than one front, and potentially extremely damaging to the kid, even well after the parents leave the picture (via death or otherwise).  I can't NOT speak up about it.

[communityabed]

8 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I didn't mean to shut down your entire post on the matter; all I was trying to say is that you're not to blame for your mom getting cancer.  In all likelihood, you weren't to blame for her schizophrenia or BPD either.

 

It's this sort of self-blaming attitude that allows a lot of these parents to ultimately get their way regarding the whole "arranged marriage" practice, because kids are led to believe they are somehow responsible for their parents' lives going down the shitter (for things they are actually not responsible for in the least) and they end up relenting to their parents' wishes as a result.  It is cowardly manipulation on the part of the parents on more than one front, and potentially extremely damaging to the kid, even well after the parents leave the picture (via death or otherwise).  I can't NOT speak up about it.

I am sorry. I didn't mean to sound so sarcastic. I genuinely meant it. In fact I am relieved and thank you for that. I didn't dare to research further on cancer after mum's death for fear of being proved right. As for parents, unfortunately that's how it goes here in India. Most give in to avoid conflict. You will find a lot of broken hearts floating around. I hope the next generation are more liberal.

[happy asexual]

5 hours ago, uhtred said:

I'm sorry to be ignorant of how this works, but how much choice do you have?  What happens if you say not to the marriage? Can you talk to your parents about this?   Is homosexuality accepted at all? That might be an easy lie for them to accept. 

 

Can you talk to your future husband? Tell him the truth and he can decline the marriage (or can he?)

 

If you, as an asexual, end up marrying a sexual man, you are dooming *both* of you to a lifetime of unhappiness.   It is deeply unfair to both of you.  You might suffer unwanted sex all your life.  Or, if you tell him and he doesn't have sex with you, he will live what may feel like a loveless life.   There may be a compromise, but its unlikely either of you will be happy.

 

I believe that most parents who arrange marriages honestly are trying to do the best for their children - using their much greater experience to help their children avoid mistakes.  In this case though, they simply do no know an absolutely vital piece of information about  you.  I think you  have to tell them.   

 

 

Ok just so you know, not even a day goes by when i dont try to save myself. I did look sad to my parents and they asked me what was the matter and i clearly told them that i was uncomfortable thinking about the physical relationship aspect of marriage and that i found the guy's flirting weird to which my mum clearly referred to my meeting with a counselor who instead of acknowledging that i am in fact ace, just told me i was scared of marriage and that with time i will be fine. I cried so much in front of my parents and my dad then cried back citing how i was causing him sadness by having this attitude in life. I had all this conversation just an hour back. I am stuck and im only now hoping for a miracle that somehow the guy understands 

[uhtred]

1 hour ago, happy asexual said:

Ok just so you know, not even a day goes by when i dont try to save myself. I did look sad to my parents and they asked me what was the matter and i clearly told them that i was uncomfortable thinking about the physical relationship aspect of marriage and that i found the guy's flirting weird to which my mum clearly referred to my meeting with a counselor who instead of acknowledging that i am in fact ace, just told me i was scared of marriage and that with time i will be fine. I cried so much in front of my parents and my dad then cried back citing how i was causing him sadness by having this attitude in life. I had all this conversation just an hour back. I am stuck and im only now hoping for a miracle that somehow the guy understands 

It may be that they misunderstand "uncomfortable" - and think "lots of shy young women are uncomfortable about the idea of sex".  Language can be extremely confusing on these issues. I know that my wife learned from her parents when she was young that sex is something "women do for men" when they are married.  I think t this day she doesn't really understand / believe that there are may women who *actively* enjoy sex and see it out, and doesn't realize that the is nearly asexual. 

 

Similarly the idea of girls being "uncomfortable" with sex is just something people say - its usually not really true.  Most young women do feel sexual attraction. So is it possible that your parents really didn't understand the really feeling behind your words?  

 

If you can talk to your potential husband, please tell him very clearly. Make sure he knows its nothing about him in any way that you are asexual.  Maybe even point him towards this site.  Nothing you have posted is bad, even if he does recognize you.   Let him ask people questions - asexuality is really not very widely known, many people honestly don't know it exists. 

 

Worst case, can you leave? Do you have any way to support yourself?