Dating column

[littlelisa]

Hey, look! A letter of mine got published.

Check it out!

http://www.joseyvogels.com/DatingGirl.html



2013 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but thanks to Josey Vogel's help (the admin and author of Dating Girl), we have the text of the two letters. Josey Vogel is also the author of the column on asexuality in My Messy Bedroom. For future reference, the letter from littlelisa and following one:

Dear Dating Girl,

I just read the letter from “Busted up over Breakup” (Dating Girl, Feb. 27), and wanted to call you on something. I agree with you that lack of sexual attraction isn't a superficial thing, nor do I doubt its legitimacy as a reason to break up, but you said "physical attraction is the thing that separates someone who is a potential romantic interest from someone who is a simply a new friend," which is incorrect. Love (more than just friendship-love) and lust are two completely separate concepts. I know this from personal experience because I'm a 22 year old asexual. I don't feel sexual or physical attraction for anyone (and never have), though I still can love people or be attracted to them in a non-sexual way, but as more than friends. There are people I am romantically interested in and people I’m not, and it has nothing to do with physical attraction. If “Busted Up” really loves his ex and still wants to pursue a relationship with her, well, I'm no advice columnist, but I would say he should be open to the option that he can still go for it. There are people and resources to help him out at www.asexuality.org, the AVEN website (Asexual Visibility and Education Network). Asexuals have relationships with sexuals all the time and it can be difficult (not saying that he is asexual, but that this would be an asexual-like relationship for him) and it's an excellent support network. The thing that people need isn't sexual attraction, it's love, and sexual attraction isn't always the be all and end all of relationships.

Asexually Speaking


Dear Asexually,

Thanks so much for your letter. I’ve done some research into the asexual movement and I agree that it is a legitimate reality for many people that is oft misunderstood (for more info, check out the resources in “Asexually’s” letter). Thanks for reminding me that there are many ways in which we can love, including asexually. Just remember people, there’s a big difference in being in an asexual relationship because sex isn’t important to you than convincing yourself to stay in a relationship in which you’re attracted to everything about someone but there is no physical attraction or chemistry if that’s something that is important to you. Read on…


Dear Dating Girl,


Your response to “Busted Up Over Breakup’s” letter was absolutely the most affirming thing I could have read. The writer wondered if the fact that he broke up a relationship because there was no chemistry for him meant he was shallow. I have been wondering the same thing, because, for the second time I am dating a man to whom I’m not sexually attracted. I wondered if it was just immaturity on my part and that maybe, if the spark isn't there for me initially, I simply needed to give this guy time to grow on me. But he hasn’t, so, rather than drag things on, keeping him hopeful that I will come around to wanting him as a lover, I realize I need to let him go. The question is, how can I do this without hurting him? Do I tell him the truth or make up a story, a la "an old flame has re-entered the picture"? He is a nice man with a lot of wonderful attributes, whose company I enjoy, but I know he wants a relationship and I don't want to go there with him. That intangible but essential element called chemistry just isn't there for me. Your always sage and insightful advice would be most appreciated.

Shallow Rethinking

Dear Shallow,

If this is a pattern for you, you might want to consider “Asexually’s” insights above – maybe you are one of these people who simply doesn’t feel sexual or physical attraction to anyone, and are thus asexual. It’s worth looking into, if even to rule it out as a possibility. Because once you know for sure that sexual and physical chemistry is an essential part of being in love for you, you can stop worrying about feeling shallow if it isn’t there and you feel the need to move on. Which leaves you with the question of how to do so gracefully. It’s never fun to hurt someone you have great like for, but if you really do respect the person (and even if you don’t), lying to them isn’t a great way to show it. Besides, what do you say when you bump into him a month later and he starts wondering how things are going with the “old flame.” Lies tend to beget lies. That said, someone once told me that a break-up should have “the whiff of honesty, without the stench of truth” and I’ve always liked that. You want a break-up tactic that lets the person down gently (but firmly, so you don’t end up having to break up with him again a week later because he still thinks there’s a chance) and doesn’t insult his intelligence (Like an, “It’s not you, it’s me,” for example. Damn right it’s you!). Simply tell the guy you think he’s graet, but that you don’t see yourself in anything more serious with him. End of story. Don’t trip over yourself with explanations in an attempt to ease the pain. The reality is, getting dumped hurts. But like removing a Band-aid, do it fast and clean (but with compassion), and it won’t sting as long.

[anticulus]

Good one! Very well put.

[Xenon]

Awesome!

[Lady Heartilly]

Wow, that was terrific! You inspired her to give related advice to the next person asking for it! Awesome job!

[percolator fish]

Well done littlelisa :) great work, and very well said :D :D :D

[Hallucigenia]

Whoah, the columnist actually took your advice! I am highly impressed. Good job! :vis: :vis:

[Hu]

Big shiny visibility medal for you! :vis:

I'm inspired. Thanks for doing this.

[Goonie]

woohoo!

[Penumbra]

Whoah, the columnist actually took your advice! I am highly impressed.

... And, she even mentioned asexuality in her reply to another letter-writer. Excellent job! :vis:

[Fainting In Coils]

Good on you for writing the letter, and for telling us about it. I'm even more proud, however, that the columnist lady was so openminded, and even made use of your letter by giving advice to somone else. It's people like her that make me feel better about the world sometimes.