Sexual With Cold Feet, Help Wanted

[Lethaat]

After a fair amount of deliberation I've decided to post here and just see what folks hereabouts think of where I am right now. I don't know if I count as a partner, a friend, or an ally at this point, and in some ways I think I qualify as a strange, weird conglomerate of the three. I'm presently living in a house with my best friend, who herself is asexual, and two other friends. For a number of reasons my ace friend and I are going to be leaving the apartment together in May and getting our own place, just the two of us.

A couple of months ago I was so excited about this I could barely sit still. Now, I find myself so anxious and so full of worry and doubt about it that I can barely sleep. And it's completely groundless. The fears and the worries that I have are completely groundless, but they're not going away and I'm having a really hard time right now dealing with them.

Not to go into a great amount of detail on it, but I spent seven years in a romantic and very sexual relationship that ended just over a year ago, and since that time my ace friend has become a cornerstone in my life. She's someone whose support and friendship have been really invaluable to me. People ask me if I think of her as "more than a friend", and I don't - in the sense that I think saying that devalues the friendship or labels the relationship between us as less important or less significant than a romantic one. She and I pretty much do everything together, and it's incredibly fun, and incredibly healthy for me.

We spend hours together pretty much every day, getting up to a myriad of shenanigans, and...I would be lying to myself and to everyone else if I said that right now she was not the primary relationship in my life. We're not dating, and I don't suspect we ever will just based on many of her views surrounding dating and romantic relationships, but her significance is as great to me as it would be if she were a significant other because she's an other who to me is very significant. Which probably makes absolutely no sense but it works in my head. She's the one friend and the one person in my life right now who is my center, the one who grounds me, and the one who can level me out no matter what's happening or how worried about things I am. And I should specify that when I'm around her these worries I have practically evaporate. She has that effect on me.

I guess what I'm experiencing is a lot of self-doubt, and a lot of trust issues. I've been doing counselling for about a year now with different people and it's been pointed out repeatedly that I suffer from both. It's like my emotional person is a being tucked away in a castle behind a whole lot of walls. I don't let a lot of people into the innermost walls, and the friend I'm writing about punched through a ton of them pretty much through the moment we met. But...there's pretty much one last wall that hasn't been breached, she's the only one in my life right now who's made it that far, but I'm still afraid to open that last door and let her in because I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt. And I guess I'm afraid of hurting her too. I'm afraid I'm going to say something that will make her uncomfortable, or something that's going to upset her, or something that's going to harm or damage our friendship. I worry that I care about her more than she'd be comfortable with, even though I know she's 100% as invested in this friendship as I am, and even though she's an extremely loyal, caring, dedicated person to the few people that she trusts to be close to her.

There's an instinctive part of me that keeps pointing out the what-ifs, and the possibilities, and the doubts, and all of the ways that this could go wrong, but consciously - intellectually and emotionally - I know that in my heart, mind and soul that she would never, ever do something to hurt me, that the friendship I have with her is incredibly secure, and...she's my best friend, and I love her. I love her the way I love my family, the way I love my own flesh and blood, and while the relationship between us is definitely not a romantic one I feel like she's become a partner to me in a different way, like a Sherlock and Watson sort of way, or a Gimli and Legolas sort of way.

Any thoughts from sexuals who've found themselves in similar spots, or from aces who've had allies, friends, or partners experience this in the past?

[Down in Texas]

The one thing you did not say in your post is if the move is to be in an apartment/house that has one or two bedrooms or if you are moving in order to try and establish a romantic relationship or if it is to stay platonic?

If moving in to your own place together allows you to each have your own space and you do not plan on sleeping together than I do not see that you have a problem. Just continue on as you always have, give each other your own private time and allow each other the opportunity to date others if you so wish and the friendship will stay as it is. However if you plan on moving in to one bedroom and share a bed then you need to address these issues before you move in together and clear the air so that the friendship does not end up tarnished.

True friends (if as close as you say you are) can talk openly about such topics and remain friends for life. If this is truly a deep friendship it should not hamper any future romantic relationships either.

You and only you and your friend will know what is expected out of this move now is the time to clear the air if it needs clearing.

Best of Luck and may your friendship remain untarnished.

[Lethaat]

Thank you, your suggestion helped and I think I'm going to try and just clear the air a little next time she and I are talking. In some ways I think I've honestly just been overreacting. We're staying in separate rooms and the relationship is platonic but it's one where I have very strong feelings about her. Sometimes the feelings I have are hard to sort out or describe right.

[seinneadair]

Have you read anything about queer-platonic relationships? It sounds like maybe that's how you're describing your feelings, but I could be completely wrong. In any case, good luck, and I'm glad you have found such a wonderful friendship.

[lissi]

I don't know what the official types of attraction are but I think in terms of sexual attraction, romantic attraction, emotional attraction. There is at least one more for me that I can't spell but visual attraction is close and it is one I don't really experience. Until I realised that these can happen alone or in various combinations, I got quite confused with emotional attraction, automatically seeing it as sexual and romantic. For me, emotional attraction can be very powerful but I find it helpful to think of it as simply that (most of the time). This could be what's happening to you.