Trouble making/keeping friends

[Krysalides]

I am a 43 year old asexual woman and I don’t really have any friends. I am close to my sister and brother, both of whom are married and who I don’t talk to as much as would be ideal. I see my mom every week and spend more time with her than anyone else I know. She isn’t someone who I would confide in about personal issues though, as she isn’t so good at taking another person’s perspective.

I had a group of friends in high school and a group of friends in college, but I didn’t really stay close to any of them long after school. I made friends through various fandoms that I have been active in over the years (people who I would meet up with at fandom related events) but none of those friendships outlasted my involvement in the fandom for very long.

I went to grad school in my 30’s and while I got along well with many of my fellow students, I never made any real friends. I know it wasn’t just that I was 10 years older than most of the other students that was an issue, as there were a few other older students who were clearly very close to younger students.

I have worked at one place since graduating seven years ago. There are mostly women that work there, so there are lots of potential female friends. I have wanted to make friends with coworkers but I have just never clicked with anyone. It’s not a particularly social workplace - people don’t regularly go out for drinks together or anything like that.

I want to have friends. I want to have people, besides my mom, who I could go out to eat with and go the movies with. I had a situation tonight where I could have gone out with two coworkers but I couldn’t do it. The plan was to meet up at a bar, as one of the girl’s has a friend whose band was playing. I showered and got dressed, planning to go, but then I just couldn’t make myself finish getting ready to go.

I had to admit to myself how much the scenarios that are in my head were bothering me. The idea of being in a bar, where guys might come to chat with us, or there would at least be talk of which guys are attractive, possible references being made to who we should hit on, who we would like to have hit on us, it all overwhelmed me. I have the one girl’s number so I could text her about meeting up, but, and I know this is bad, but I haven’t even texted her to give a reason why I didn’t show. I certainly don’t know them well enough to tell the truth, which is that I am asexual and don't want to have sex with anyone, ever. That they thought of someone hitting on me makes me uncomfortable.

I just feel that I have to share this situation. I think that if I was going to find anyone who could maybe relate, I would hopefully find them here. Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing. :)

[Amedot]

Would you say it's anxiety that's causing these scenarios to run through your head? I felt like I could relate to this post quite a bit, being really anxious about social situations myself... especially when it involves a public area and people I'm not close with.

I don't think I have any awesome advice, but I read and I care!

[Halffull]

I can fully relate to what your saying above. I hate going out to bars etc with crowds of people and loud music of bands that can't play their instruments. Personally I'd rather stay at home and listen to my own music and I have no real problem with it. What I do find though is that people can't accept me for wanting to do that. If someone's introverted they seem to want to change them to being extrovert. Personally spending time alone does not bother me nor does the odd night out but it really hacks me off when people try to force me into social situations. What really hacks me off too though is when people decide to make it their mission to get me a partner. Whether it's some nice person that they have in mind and dropping hints or sitting in a bar eyeing everyone up as if they were cuts of meat and expecting me to be doing the same.

From my own experiences it's clear to me that people can't accept me for who I am and are always trying to change me and when they finally get it into their head that they are wasting their time they take offence and normally that's the end of the friendship. I sometimes wish that people could see how offensive it is when they won't accept that I don't want to do this or that but keep trying to change me.

Hope this helps

[KJ!]

While I don't get overwhelmed with the idea of being hit on (I find "I prefer women" to be a pretty good rebuttal to any guys who hit on me, which also happens to be true), if you want to make friends, you do need to go to things and talk with people, and not ditch people. (to be honest, if someone persistently didn't show up and never asked me to do anything, I would stop asking them. You can only get shot down so many times) Also, if a band is playing, there isn't a lot of time/chance to talk to people. "I just want to enjoy the music" would probably be enough to dodge the talking to strange men bullet. I have found that it is enormously helpful to have people who are interested in talking about MORE than just sex and relationships, whether other aces or sexuals who are just less single-minded about social activities. So maybe invite people out somewhere quiet and say the reason is to get to know your coworkers better. It might just set the scene as a friends thing where "picking up" isn't one of the intended social activities for the evening. Talk about work. There isn't a lot of a chance of a conversation going from "isn't that thing our boss does annoying???" to "please divulge your entire sexual and relationship history and wants/desires to the group." If anyone asks, you can always just say your stories aren't nearly as funny or interesting as everyone elses. Or ask everyone if they want to go out to lunch together. At one of my old jobs all the employees spent their breaks together and ate together. It was a total bonding thing. (and in the summer we did friday pot-latch lunches where everyone brought a dish and we all ate together in a picnic outside)

Outside of your coworkers, however, maybe join a class or a hobby group of some sort. Knitting circles, pottery classes, volunteering, cooking lessons, etc., can all be good ways of meeting people. You have something specific to talk about, there is a weekly meeting time, and you can always make last-minute plans during class (or whatever) to go for a quick beer or something. Maybe you won't befriend everyone in the class, but a single friend that you can hang out with once or twice a month is better than nothing. And don't give up if you don't click with someone the first week or two. I take FOREVER to warm up to people and really become friends, but I am pretty good at staying in touch, so I just kind of keep bank-rolling friends with every job, school, and place I live.

The biggest issue, IMO, is that most people don't value adult friendships very much. All of their time and energy goes into their partner/search for a partner, and friends just fall by the way-side. In my experience, however, the single people who aren't or never get married usually have so any different friends that they patch-work around everyone else's relationships (if they're good at it) and manage to easily have 10x the number of friends their coupled friends do. My mom's bff is like this. He has SO.MANY.FRIENDS. and is always busy. I'm actually a little jealous. It can be difficult to pull off, but being a good friend to the friends you have is a good place to start. (after you have friends, that is. but my point is that keeping friends requires effort and half of that is down to you. Sometimes more than half bc you are the un-coupled one.)

[Zash]

I saw a great video on YouTube on how to be an introvert and survive parties and such without it being horrible. A lot of the ideas can also be adapted for an asexual too.

A quick summary of ideas:

1) Plan your escape. It doesn't have to be true, like you have to be somewhere later that evening, or even you are feeling unwell and are going home. I am not saying you will need to use this, but it will relieve a lot of the stress knowing that you have a way to leave at any time if things get too much for you.

2) Locate a spot you can retreat to if you are starting to get overwhelmed. It could be a quiet corner, a patio, the bathroom, just somewhere you can go and get out of the stressful area.

3) Find something to do. This works better in a party than a bar scene, but, if you don't know what to do, find something to do. Get drinks for your friends. If you are at a party at someone's home, ask the host if you can help out. It gets you moving around the floor, and an excuse to keep moving if a conversation takes a bad turn.

4) Look for other introverts. Introverts are 1/3rd of the population, and there are probably others like you there, also dragged there by their friends. Look for them. Odds are you have a lot more in common with them and will find it easier to talk to them.

5) Plan time for yourself afterwards. The party/bar will have been stressful, and it is relaxing to know that when you get home you will have time to just lay back and watch TV or read a book or whatever you do to unwind.

I hope this helps, and helps any other introverts deal with parties or other large gatherings.

[Krysalides]

Thanks for the replies. It was good to hear from others who can relate.

I would definitely say there are anxiety issues involved with these fears/thoughts. It was weird though, it just hit me so suddenly. I wanted to go, but then my mind just got overwhelmed with thoughts and I couldn't make myself get off the couch.

KJ, you are absolutely right that I have to make more of an effort. Sitting at home, wishing I had friends will not make it happen. Standing people up was also a really bad idea. I didn't mean to, and I ended up being really upset with myself that I didn't just make myself go. With the anxiety and emotional stress that not going has caused me, if I could do it over, I would certainly have made myself go. Hindsight is 20/20.

All of the responses also helped me with the answer to a questions that have long been in my head - why can't I keep the friendship that I have made going? What is wrong with me/ my personality that makes people not stay friends with me? Maybe it is not my personality so much as my effort. To keep a relationship going when people don't live near each other, someone has to make the effort to keep it going. In every case, I could have tried harder to keep up the relationship. Sitting here now, typing about this, has made me realize that my worries that it must be me (I must be annoying, weird, there is something wrong with me that makes people not want to stay friends with me, etc.) have kept me stagnated and unable to make the moves that I need to to make new friends.

I need to to make an effort. I need to reach out to friends who live far away but I haven't been in touch with, or haven't had more interaction with than on the Facebook feed. I need to get involved in something. I considered volunteering with the parks service before, and even printed out the aplication and filled it out, but never sent it. I need to send it, and to find other activites/club/classes and make myself go. I need to not let my fears stop me from reaching out anymore. I think I need to get involved here more too. This seems to be really caring, insightful place. Maybe it will be a good place for me to make some online friends again.

[SpecialFXLady]

I am 37 and I have difficulty making and keeping friends as well despite inviting people to do things and showing up to things I'm invited to and a lot of it is due to the fact that people don't value adult relationships due to a focus on their partner/search for a partner as KJ! pointed out. I get the sense that most people don't want to socialize unless there is some kind of external motivation while I really enjoy just being around the compnay of others and I'd like a group of folks I could see consistently. Socializing with different people that I only see once a month leaves me tired and anxious. I hate playing 'catch-up' with folks that live in the same town.

I have a partner, but I dont' have a relationship with my family and I've been looking to make and keep friends for most of my adult life. I keep meeting people, getting close with them, then they pair up and dissappear. It's pretty frustrating and I talk with my therapist about it a lot. I also don't want to spend the times I do go out talking about relationship stuff which is sometihng that many women in my age-range (many, but not all) seem to want to do. I want to talk about my owh thoughts and feelings - not my partner's.

[wolfpup]

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[KJ!]

Thanks for the replies. It was good to hear from others who can relate.

I would definitely say there are anxiety issues involved with these fears/thoughts. It was weird though, it just hit me so suddenly. I wanted to go, but then my mind just got overwhelmed with thoughts and I couldn't make myself get off the couch.

KJ, you are absolutely right that I have to make more of an effort. Sitting at home, wishing I had friends will not make it happen. Standing people up was also a really bad idea. I didn't mean to, and I ended up being really upset with myself that I didn't just make myself go. With the anxiety and emotional stress that not going has caused me, if I could do it over, I would certainly have made myself go. Hindsight is 20/20.

All of the responses also helped me with the answer to a questions that have long been in my head - why can't I keep the friendship that I have made going? What is wrong with me/ my personality that makes people not stay friends with me? Maybe it is not my personality so much as my effort. To keep a relationship going when people don't live near each other, someone has to make the effort to keep it going. In every case, I could have tried harder to keep up the relationship. Sitting here now, typing about this, has made me realize that my worries that it must be me (I must be annoying, weird, there is something wrong with me that makes people not want to stay friends with me, etc.) have kept me stagnated and unable to make the moves that I need to to make new friends.

I need to to make an effort. I need to reach out to friends who live far away but I haven't been in touch with, or haven't had more interaction with than on the Facebook feed. I need to get involved in something. I considered volunteering with the parks service before, and even printed out the aplication and filled it out, but never sent it. I need to send it, and to find other activites/club/classes and make myself go. I need to not let my fears stop me from reaching out anymore. I think I need to get involved here more too. This seems to be really caring, insightful place. Maybe it will be a good place for me to make some online friends again.

I'm glad you're feeling more pro-active and less like you're inherently the problem! I have always found that the more people you know in general, the more opportunities you have to make friends. If you only know 10 people, then there are only 10 people you CAN be friends with, and let's face it, everyone (even if you like them just fine) isn't going to be a good friend or a long-term friend. If you know 100 people, then you have WAY more chances of finding someone (or two or three people) to be friends with. Good luck and you can always post here for advice (I kind of enjoy giving it...)

I am 37 and I have difficulty making and keeping friends as well despite inviting people to do things and showing up to things I'm invited to and a lot of it is due to the fact that people don't value adult relationships due to a focus on their partner/search for a partner as KJ! pointed out. I get the sense that most people don't want to socialize unless there is some kind of external motivation while I really enjoy just being around the compnay of others and I'd like a group of folks I could see consistently. Socializing with different people that I only see once a month leaves me tired and anxious. I hate playing 'catch-up' with folks that live in the same town.

I have a partner, but I dont' have a relationship with my family and I've been looking to make and keep friends for most of my adult life. I keep meeting people, getting close with them, then they pair up and dissappear. It's pretty frustrating and I talk with my therapist about it a lot. I also don't want to spend the times I do go out talking about relationship stuff which is sometihng that many women in my age-range (many, but not all) seem to want to do. I want to talk about my owh thoughts and feelings - not my partner's.

This is the exact conversation I have been having on and off for the past 6 months. (and very intensely for 3 days when a friend was visiting me last June). I HATE when people put their relationships above all of their friends, as if their friends will just happily sit around and wait, just in case they ever want to, you know, BE a friend again. That attitude and practice has bothered me since high school.

As for the "people only want to talk about their relationships": ugh, I know. I have sat at dinner with my friends (which I lucked into by meeting at an academically challenging/nerdy university) and compared our conversations (about work, something interesting we read the other day or a philosophical problem we've been thinking about or facing, a funny story about a shared friend, the catch-up on each other's families whenever there is big news, some new clothing style/haircut/tattoo idea, a whole 5 minutes on anyone's entertaining dating stories) with other groups of women our age (we're mid-late 20s), and theirs is ALL about "why didn't he call me back?" "why did he say/do that thing?" "I can't believe he did X", with 5 minutes about their jobs and hobbies, as if their lives either weren't important or didn't actually exist and only the men in their lives were worth talking about. (or maybe they use it as a shield against intimacy w their friends? IDK). It's ridiculous. And is why I refuse to WANT a "standard" relationship where one's partner takes over one's life. Too many people see it as the be all and end all and I think it's ridiculous and actually petty unhealthy. (imagine if you obsessed that much about a friend? everyone would call you crazy and tell you to get out more.)

[Guest FlamesofFire]

I have difficulty making and keeping friends despite been open to new friendships and showing interest in people.

A lot of the people become very annoying and i just need to escape them. While others simply disappear on me. This makes me quite sad as I never get a reason to why.

A lot of the girls my age are busy having sex and with their partner/search for a partner. I am not interested in both of those things.

Because I am asexual and its difficult to find a partner. I also just came out of a rl. I get the sense that most people don't want to socialize unless there is some kind of external motivation. Would be nice to have friends I could see consistently.