For asexuals that are not virgin, Is sex better than masturbation?

[Wisdom]

I don't understand that of sexually repulsed being an advantage. It's just a fact, but has it consequences. I can't have sex to try my sexuality or to find experiences for my books, for example, and being repelled for something 99% of the people thinks is the best thing of the world is not always an easy thing...

And it's true would be more easy for a relationship, but I don't think you can just make a list and find a person according to that list. If you fall in love, you fall in love... And the odds are that you will fall more in love for sexual persons than for totally asexuals ones.

Asexuality is not the same of being aromantic.

[Guest]

And it's true would be more easy for a relationship, but I don't think you can just make a list and find a person according to that list. If you fall in love, you fall in love... And the odds are that you will fall more in love for sexual persons than for totally asexuals ones.

Asexuality is not the same of being aromantic.

IMO, emotions, especially romantic/limerent emotions, are a horribly bad advisor for starting a relationship over them. Sure, they may provide the initial incentive to seek out contact, but as for whether or not to go through with actually beginning a 'ship... I vastly prefer a cool, clear head and a pro-and-con checklist.

I'm still not quite sure what "falling in love" even means (and I'm not even aromantic). What I am sure of is that it's nowhere near enough of a foundation to base a 'ship on.

[anchor31]

I prefer masturbation to partnered sex, hands down. I'm semen-repulsed, so it doesn't help.

[Cyla]

I've been able to orgasm while masturbating, but the pleasure from an orgasm was so little I didn't even realize I was having orgasms until I was talking with my girl friends about how it feels and such. I cannot have intercourse and oral sex is okay for like 5 minutes...then my clitoris becomes overstimulated and I have to stop from pain. But I am not really the best person to talk about sex and pleasure since every sexual experience I have had has been physically painful.

[tuvok]

I think it is hard to compare. masturbation is not sexual to me. I do feel better after and it is a great sleep aid but if my stomach is acting up a BM makes me feel better too.

Sex is different.

It usually takes a lot longer and is wierd, awkward, confusing and painful. In the meantime you have to read thoughts and predict what the other party wants.

I guess the only real reason people engage in such activities is to get a high five from your mates and delay your body's need for masturbation.

(I am starting to learn how wrong I am but I just can't see it)

This is why masturbation is better than sex. I don't feel "it" but why bother with complications?

[Wisdom]

And it's true would be more easy for a relationship, but I don't think you can just make a list and find a person according to that list. If you fall in love, you fall in love... And the odds are that you will fall more in love for sexual persons than for totally asexuals ones.

Asexuality is not the same of being aromantic.

IMO, emotions, especially romantic/limerent emotions, are a horribly bad advisor for starting a relationship over them. Sure, they may provide the initial incentive to seek out contact, but as for whether or not to go through with actually beginning a 'ship... I vastly prefer a cool, clear head and a pro-and-con checklist.

I'm still not quite sure what "falling in love" even means (and I'm not even aromantic). What I am sure of is that it's nowhere near enough of a foundation to base a 'ship on.

Wow! A pro and con checklist for deciding if you love someone..., hey girl, don't offend yourself, is a valid as any other way of seeing love, but you really resemble Amy Farrah :P

[Someone Else]

I don't want to speak for everyone, but it's probably completely impossible to fall in love via a checklist, however completely the items are checked off.
It's probably a combination of positive shared experiences, and the gooey romance feelings, and for some, a physical element (I couldn't fall in love with a man, pretty sure.)
You would _think_ compatibility would be essential for love, but I've seen so many struggling relationships where they say "we're in love, but we're just not compatible enough to work out as a couple."
I don't think it's possible to simply reason oneself into or out of the emotion of "madly in love"... I would have reasoned myself into it a long time ago just to try it, if I could have.

[Wisdom]

I don't want to speak for everyone, but it's probably completely impossible to fall in love via a checklist, however completely the items are checked off.

It's probably a combination of positive shared experiences, and the gooey romance feelings, and for some, a physical element (I couldn't fall in love with a man, pretty sure.)

You would _think_ compatibility would be essential for love, but I've seen so many struggling relationships where they say "we're in love, but we're just not compatible enough to work out as a couple."

I don't think it's possible to simply reason oneself into or out of the emotion of "madly in love"... I would have reasoned myself into it a long time ago just to try it, if I could have.

That's way I think. Love have no rules. They day we have the rules for love, will be the day we have the rules for everything. Indeed, for having all that rules, we would have to be that smart and transhumans, that will be by other side so complicated and amazing that rules will always arise again.

Rules are in concordance with the intelligence of a kind. I see funny the attempts of some "scientists" of trying to explain love and sex. Then you enter at this forum and you see everybody has an amazing way of seeing love. Love just have not rules and it's not a mechanical thing. It's just Magic.

[NamTar]

I prefer masturbation to partnered sex, hands down. I'm semen-repulsed, so it doesn't help.

This. I'm a bit squicked by fluids, but wouldn't quite call myself semen-repulsed. I don't have much of a libido, but that may also have to do with meds I'm not. I'm also aromantic and dislike the idea of being in a relationship and having to cuddle and kiss and hold hands. I was ok with the sex part with my ex boyfriend, but he had to practically beg me to say I loved him, because I'm aromantic and I didn't love him, he was a close friend to me, as I saw it. A close friend I had sex with. But I find masturbation superior for a variety of reasons. There is no need for any emotional component, I can fantasize about anything I want or even think about my grocery list or work I have to do the next day, I am in complete control of the situation, can start/stop at any time, etc.

[Guest]

Wow! A pro and con checklist for deciding if you love someone..., hey girl, don't offend yourself, is a valid as any other way of seeing love, but you really resemble Amy Farrah :P

Hehe. I'm always glad and honored to pass for female in writing. ^_^ I'm actually more Sheldon, but I've been partnered with an awesome "Amy Farrah" (R.) for the last five years and running.

(Then again, R.'s mom has been joking about her being a female version of Sheldon when she watched TBBT. We sure fit each other very well in our quirkyness. :lol: )

I don't want to speak for everyone, but it's probably completely impossible to fall in love via a checklist, however completely the items are checked off.

[...]

You would _think_ compatibility would be essential for love, but I've seen so many struggling relationships where they say "we're in love, but we're just not compatible enough to work out as a couple."

I don't think it's possible to simply reason oneself into or out of the emotion of "madly in love"... I would have reasoned myself into it a long time ago just to try it, if I could have.

The point I was making is that love, and/or "being in love" (whatever that means) is woefully inadequate for me as the deciding criterion about entering a 'ship. Whatever I am feeling, I will not allow these feelings to be the basis of that decision. I can love someone and still make the firm choice against pursuing a 'ship with them, because the checklist says we will not make a good couple, so it's better (and more loving) to keep going separate ways.

As for the folks in struggling ships like that... my advice is to break up and find someone more compatible. Love (which needn't be passionate or romantic - friendship certainly is a form of love, in my eyes) is necessary to make a healthy ship work; but it is in no way sufficient for it.

TL, DR: To me "I love you" is in no conflict at all with "I do not want to date you/be in a 'ship with you". The former is a matter of emotions, the latter works much better handled with clear, rational thinking (and yes, a checklist can be a great tool for that :P ).

[NamTar]

The point I was making is that love, and/or "being in love" (whatever that means) is woefully inadequate for me as the deciding criterion about entering a 'ship. Whatever I am feeling, I will not allow these feelings to be the basis of that decision. I can love someone and still make the firm choice against pursuing a 'ship with them, because the checklist says we will not make a good couple, so it's better (and more loving) to keep going separate ways.

As for the folks in struggling ships like that... my advice is to break up and find someone more compatible. Love (which needn't be passionate or romantic - friendship certainly is a form of love, in my eyes) is necessary to make a healthy ship work; but it is in no way sufficient for it.

TL, DR: To me "I love you" is in no conflict at all with "I do not want to date you/be in a 'ship with you". The former is a matter of emotions, the latter works much better handled with clear, rational thinking (and yes, a checklist can be a great tool for that :P ).

I agree with this, for myself. The problem is that most other people DO enter into relationships due to feelings. In the relationships I've been in, it would seem that the other person had feelings toward me, for example; whereas I had more of a checklist about similar interests, can I get along with this person, etc.

The way I see things, I see my friends getting into these overly emotional relationships, thinking they're "in love" forever and ever, and then the chemicals that make them feel that way wear off after about 6 months and they have a horrid breakup/divorce. Lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseam for decades. And that is why I find their behavior irrational and a bad basis for starting a relationship: it never lasts because it's based on a fleeting emotional high due to infatuation and they never consider if they're actually compatible long-term. On the other hand, I suppose that's the part of the relationship they like, the emotional high. I digress as usual...

[hazel88]

I've never been able to have an orgasm having sex, and I have slept with a guy and a girl. I've only been able to climax while masturbating. It's like... I know what I want and there's no guessing. No messing around, go straight to orgasm, do not collect $200.

I mean, I've heard sexuals say that sex is better than masturbation... but... we're not sexuals so... I guess that's a different pov.

[alpacaterpillar]

I hate to be so blunt, but for a lot of people, a penis or a vagina simply feel different than their own hand or a sex toy.

I can't prove it, but I suspect the sensation is related to how, for instance, I can't tickle myself. Another person's hands on my ticklish areas feels absolutely different than my own hand. I bet for sexuals, another person's touch on their erogenous zones might very well feel different than their own hand on those places... maybe... just guessing.

Some people also like the ego boost... each "conquest" is one more person who didn't say "no, you're not good enough/too ugly for me." I'm not interested in sex and even still I feel a little bit of a boost if someone is attracted to me... I can imagine that boost might be even stronger for some sexuals.

This interests me, because when I masturbate I absolutely have to do it wearing pyjama pants or boxers. I have succeeded with the duvet on a couple of occasions, but the effort is exhausting. Otherwise, it's absolutely impossible for me. When I take this into account with my clothing fetish, well; I'm fairly confident in saying that actual biological sex is probably a complete turn-off for me.

I'm a fabricsexual :P as a matter of fact, my sex drive appears to be completely irrelevant to my romantic attraction...

[Wisdom]

I guess I will finally have to try, now that I'm in the course of having a sexual girlfriend, I'll give it a try...

[Kitty Spoon Train]

The point I was making is that love, and/or "being in love" (whatever that means) is woefully inadequate for me as the deciding criterion about entering a 'ship. Whatever I am feeling, I will not allow these feelings to be the basis of that decision. I can love someone and still make the firm choice against pursuing a 'ship with them, because the checklist says we will not make a good couple, so it's better (and more loving) to keep going separate ways.

Based on what went wrong with my previous relationships - you could say that the entire problem was clinging onto them due to the addictive aftereffects of intense romantic limerence - and sex to some extent (I'm demi, so two of my long LTRs were eventually sexual too). But mostly limerence. Feelings. I think this is what people (mostly) refer to when they say they are "in love" - in that dramatic codependent way anyway - where they can't let go even when they can tell, intellectually, that they're not right for each other.

I've thought about this in the last couple of days, and I think one way to put it is this: If you try to picture the relationship being based purely on platonic and affectionate love, does it still make sense to pursue? Minus all the passion and drama of "romantic" feelings - and lust in the case of sexuals? If it doesn't, then it's probably not worth it.

"Marry your best friend" is a bit of a cliche, but I think it's very true. I don't just mean with marriage either, but as an indication of whether an intimate relationship (ie something beyond the usual bounds of a vanilla friendship) is worth pursuing and keeping in general.

Long story short: Romantic feelings are a flaky indicator of compatibility. And they're mostly self-serving. If you look closely, the "stuff" that really counts in LTRs are the less exciting but more enduring aspects - affectionate love and general practical compatibility. A combination of affectionate love and plain businesslike checklisting is a much better foundation for a relationship than the intensity of "feelings". But that sounds horribly dry and unromantic in this culture of course.

[SpadeofAces]

I didn't get pleasure from either sex or masturbation. I tried both because I heard so much good stuff about both. Neither did much for me although sex was harder as it involved the feelings of another person. Now I'm happily doing neither.

I love this! Kudos my dear. ^_^

[JJCat]

I'll make it simple-no.

(In my opinion of course.)

[Guest]

I do not like masturbation, I do not like sex. The physical pleasure people receive from such things does not register for me. Orgasm feels _bad_ not good. So, if you don't like it, don't worry about it. Some peopel do, some people don't. :)

And you say you are heteroromantic? How romantic you are? I'm over highly romantic I think ahah

Uhm. Depends on the definition of romantic. :) I have had four romantic relationships with men. I used to want sappy romance, now I am really flexible. I like cuddling/kissing and that sort of stuff. Even making out is run, by my definition of it anyways. Just nothing sexual works for me.

[Veeri]

Let's put it this way. Your hand won't get offended if, halfway through things, you decide you'd really rather just roll over and go to sleep. :P Come to think of it, your hand won't mind you watching the news in the background, either. It doesn't mind most things. Is a chill lil dude.

[Kitty Autumn]

Sex is a waste of energy and causes resentment over time. If you are happy with masturbation, do not feel pressured to ever try sex unless you find you are "in the mood".

[BlessYourFace]

It took me a few years to realize i was sexually repulsed...but that's not to say i never had an enjoyable time with another person....confusing, i know...and to tell you the truth, it happened only once and was for a split second. The other times were trying to reach that point again, that never happened. I can get myself to that point every time, so i find masturbation just fine when i need it.

Anymore, i cringe at the thought of it and find the other person unnecessary. I already know that I've "slutted" myself out enough to know better ;) go for it, by all means if you're curious, but also be prepared to be disappointed at the end of it.

I've also read responses dealing with writing sexual characters (not enough time to read everything so i hope this isn't out of boundaries), but i write a lot and even used to role-play sexual characters. I find that much more easier to do since I've experienced it and not just guessing at the feelings. Writing about it is much more palatable than going through with it. IMO of course ;)

[AnaMaria]

I have a very low libido and sometimes it disappers completly. I masturbate sometimes and the lust is not triggered by a person or even sexual thoughts. It's just my body saying it wants an orgasm. I satisfy myself quickly in just a few minutes and then I'm not bothered by the tension anymore. I've never been able to have an orgasm with anyone else unless I have touched myself so having sex with others is a waste of time. A lot of the times I have also been disgusted, I don't like other people's genitals and I really don't want them in my mouth.

You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do. Only masturbate or have sex if it feels right. When I have had sex with others I did it because I was scared of being abondoned and afterwards I kind of felt that I had "raped myself". I feel really used when someone use my body for their sexual needs, like a blow up doll. I have never been turned on by another person and maybe I will never be. But that's ok!

[Wisdom]

I finally have a gf, sexual though, and I think I'm ready to try sex. God helps me ahah this might decide me finally about my (a)sexuality and being a major breakthrough in my life...

[Foobs]

I don't know about one being better than the other, but they are different. Masturbation is a quick, easy, fun, and gets the job done. Sex can be rewarding (most things are more fun with a friend), but it is more stressful and emotionally messy...

[WhenSummersGone]

I've always enjoyed masturbation much more than sex, that's why I've done it for over half of my life lol. I never was sexually attracted to the guys so I got turned off, and I just find doing it myself better because it's faster. Sex was always "meh" or "ok" but I never could get into it, maybe because it wasn't in a relationship or maybe that doesn't matter. There were a few things I enjoyed, like giving a guy pleasure, but if he was hoping I would get something out of it then I was not the person for him.

[Wisdom]

Sex is a waste of energy and causes resentment over time. If you are happy with masturbation, do not feel pressured to ever try sex unless you find you are "in the mood".

The things I'm not even happy with masturbation, just I do it by rutine, but people says sex is better...

[mingycommumbus]

It depends entirely on the individual in question. For me, there's a clear boundary between masturbation and sex. I can get myself off if the need arises, I can even be sexually aroused in the company of a partner, but the second another person touches me I switch off. I am not sex repulsed, but I cannot enjoy other people touching me sexually, nor do I want sex in any way (though for a long time I tried to). However, friends and ex partners have told me that they prefer sex, because having people touch them feels better, sex helps them 'connect', and more than that they actually want to touch the other person and bring them pleasure. Sex fulfils these needs for them.

As for having sex helping with writing sex scenes, I don't think that's necessary. I've wrote a hell of a lot of smut and I've had a fair amount of sex, but it hasn't helped. I can reproduce the positions, sure, but all of the emotions/thoughts that sexual people experience or people want to read about I just cannot and have not experienced. So I make it up when writing. Honestly, so long as you have a good grasp on the mechanics of the human body/sex it's easy to fake when writing.

[caffeine]

I definitely prefer masturbation - it's stress free, it's to-the point, it lacks the awkwardness of trying to find a rhythm with the other person, when your own rhythm is entirely different. I actually quite like masturbation, always have. Growing up I was naturally curious about sex and everyone kept telling me how it's much better when someone else touched you and brought you pleasure. Considering that I can [quickly] bring myself to quite a great orgasm when my body needs it, I was like "oooh, that must be something mindblowing then". Yeah, no. It hasn't happened yet - not that I have rich enough experience, but when someone else touches me, it feels either sloppy and entirely off, or it's too much and the overstimulation becomes unpleasnat rather than pleasurable. The tickling analogy applies, but in reverse - it IS different when it's another person's hand, but not in a positive way. Problem is, I still keep thinking it's me that does something wrong due to awkwardness and inexperience, and that only ups my stress levels, so in the end sex is more like a work task that I depress over later.

[Wisdom]

Everyone prefers masturbation

If I don't like sex neither, I promise I will also stop masturbation, and asume my fully asexual identity.

[tuvok]

Everyone prefers masturbation

If I don't like sex neither, I promise I will also stop masturbation, and asume my fully asexual identity.

I don't think masturbation disqualify you as an asexual just as sex doesn't. You can like the act even if you aren't attracted to your partner.