Couple of questions to demis

[Satin]

Hello there

I’ve got a couple of questions directed at demisexuals and their experiences that lead them to identify as such. To call a spade a spade:

What exactly lead you to identify as demi? Did you need to be in an actual relationship (in which you both agreed to be a couple maybe), were close friendships or crushes enough? Did you even pursue a relationship, was romance important to you? And when you found AVEN, did you straight jump to demisexual or first identified as ace?

I’m asking cos I’m an asexual that has never been in a relationship (and isn’t actively pursuing one either) and every once in a while I wonder how high the chances are I might be a demi without knowing it because of this (I don’t think so but I know it’s possible). Now, I found this topic while browsing the forum and it kinda takes up just this question (“can you know you’re demi without having been in a relationship?”) but it’s from 2010 and I was wondering whether some more demis might be interested in sharing their experiences. I’m really curious and I'm fascinated by the idea of demis "knowing if there's potential" that is talked about in the topic I mentioned, it's nothing I've heard about before. What do you think about that?

Here the link to the topic btw: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/53980-is-it-possible-to-know-that-you-are-demi-before-you-ever-enter-a-romantic-relationship/?hl=demi

May cake rain from the sky.

[howyoufeel_org]

I really do not know were to begin.

But I was single until I was 29 when I meet my wife.

I am pretty social and people has a tendency to like me as a person and I guess I kind of cute (at least is what people tell me).

Some people has anyway a bit of a problem to figure me out and I can actually see and feel their insecurity, they can not put me in a box.

I am a bit kind of gender neutral and I am totally not any macho man but I love boardssport, but I do it because it pure fun for me.

I had opportunities to hook up with girls in my youth, bit it kind of never happened anyway, and even if I have a pretty active libido, it kind of never pushed me to any action.

Some girls in my youth tried to seduce me, and I run away ( I have a lot of funny stories, I should write a book about it lol ).

I have only had sexual activities with two persons in my entire life (and one is my current wife).

For me I have discovered that I also put very little priority in lifestyle factors connected to primary attraction, like status, nice cars, biceps, macho stuff, man stuff, social status and so on.

So I kind of neutral, but I guess it has to do more with my gender identity.

Before I meet my wife I did have some longing after a relation both romantic and sexual, but I felt like it doesn't has any gigantic priority anyway, I felt pretty good to live by my self.

One of my friend once told me that I am the only guy he ever meet that say no to womans, but still talk about womans, he just thought that was very strange.

I kind of does not really see/feel what other guys see/feel in IRL, but I like womans with a sweet personality.

Pictures and fantasy of womans can arouse me, but it kind of not really happen in real life except for my wife, time to time.

Maybe every 5 -10 years I get a shallow crush on someone I know very well, last a couple of days and then it often transform to a platonic squish.

I always identified my self as a straight guy and pretty sexual because of my active libido.

I found aven 5 years ago found aven but I was still totally convinced I was straight like a arrow.

But this year I actually kind of refund aven in the hunt how my current relationship really kind of work, and then the pieces just fell to place.

The demi orientation is a fairly good description how I am hardwired, it is not a choice it is just how I am, and lot of my experiences in my life follow that pattern.

[Guest]

I'm not demisexual, but I've been in your shoes. I was completely sure of my asexuality even before entering my first (and only, for now) relationship, even though I DID give myself a "chance" just in case I was wrong about my asexuality. I didn't change my mind - quite the opposite, it made me feel even more sure about my self-identification as asexual.

Besides, demisexuals don't experience sexual attraction for all people they're emotionally tied to, so you might potentially always be a demisexual and unaware of it... I know I could theoretically be, but I somehow feel inside that "asexual" fits me. And hey, if I ever needed to question my sexuality again, I would do it when it's called for.

Good of you to search for answers and cast more light on yourself - just don't stress over it :)

[sound_the_bugle]

I've never been in a real (read: romantic) relationship, but I definitely consider myself demi. Two crushes have been enough (to feel something resembling sexual attraction, even though it doesn't really match up to what most people describe), I believe, and I guess I just kind of know (or maybe think?) that I would develop sexual attraction in a real relationship with the right person.

EDIT: Okay, after skimming KST's response, I'll add something:

Since I was fourteen or so (actually, earlier... I remember saying something at age 11 to the tune of this), I described myself as straight, but more attracted to personality. I actually identified at that point that I only recognized someone as cute or hot when I came to like their personality. I didn't see that as sexual attraction, but as aesthetic. Their aesthetic just never struck me as important until I liked their personality.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

What exactly lead you to identify as demi? Did you need to be in an actual relationship (in which you both agreed to be a couple maybe), were close friendships or crushes enough? Did you even pursue a relationship, was romance important to you? And when you found AVEN, did you straight jump to demisexual or first identified as ace?

I came to demisexuality "backwards". As in, I used to think I was just a normal heterosexual guy but with some issues, but then when I saw demisexuality described, it all just clicked and made sense. Pretty much straight away.

All sorts of things pointed to it of course, but you'd never know when you grew up in a world which didn't really recognise anything other than the heterosexual-bisexual-homosexual spectrum. And due to my raging hetero-romanticism, I always just thought I'm "heterosexual". Which, functionally speaking, comes across as more or less accurate I suppose, ultimately. So I can totally understand why people flip out over the label at times...especially when they are of some form of "queer" identity which is more socially "visible" and thus persecuted....

But I suppose it's like this: between relationships I'm basically completely ace. Looking at random attractive women has zero sexual context to me. So I went through life wondering what the big deal is with all the high sexualisation you see out there, in advertising and the media and stuff. And of course, I couldn't wrap my head around why things like strip joints and the sex industry exist. All of that seems boring, awkward, and pointless to me. I rationalised it away as being something that mostly caters to some small minority of pervs who are always there, because I could never get my head around this idea that people actually see random depersonalised others in a "sexual way" upfront at all. People just look like people to me. Even gender has no real sexual trigger context to me when looking at "hot" strangers. Despite the fact that I can see women as "cute", on a very clean level.

Still, I guess somewhere in the back of my mind there's always been a sense that a certain type of very deep relationship will (usually) get sexual eventually. But it's not something that feels like a critical or intuitive component of "romance" at all. If anything - a more intuitive way for me to view "romance" is to just see it as a particularly emotionally passionate form of friendship. The idea of sex being integrated into the thing from the very start makes me feel like it's forced and putting the cart before the horse - it feels more intuitive to me to think of sex like a possible "option", which might evolve if the relationship goes a certain way, mutually. And this (plus a whole bunch of other personality and lifestyle issues) is why I'm going the polyamorous / relationship anarchist route in life. I've concluded that it's a better fit for my head than the standard monogamous deal - both in terms of what I want and what I can give and share with others.

EDIT: Oh, and I might add, it's very easy for me to put sex aside completely - with relationships with aces, or in cases where there would be some other reason why it wouldn't be appropriate. Not that this has been thoroughly tested in real life yet, but I'm pretty confident it's the case. :D

[露命]

I jumped straight to demisexual. What led me to identify as demi was the fact that I was sexually attracted to my (now) ex. I felt a strong connection to him almost immediately after we met, and I found myself very sexually attracted to him way before we ever got into any romantic relationship. I don't think I knew there was any potential. I had never experienced any sexual attraction before, so it definitely took me by surprise. Before then I had kind of tossed around the idea of being asexual but never really identified as it. I didn't place an importance on labels and didn't feel like I was missing out on anything by not having romantic or sexual relationships with anyone. Years later I discovered the asexuality spectrum, and everything clicked. Had I read about it before meeting my ex and experiencing that attraction I would probably have identified as asexual.

To this day I have never felt sexual attraction for a stranger. That someone can see a random person on the street and feel sexual desire for them is baffling to me. It's just not something I have ever experienced. For that reason, I decided to identify as demi. Because I have experienced secondary sexual attraction, despite how infrequent it is (it's been nearly 10 years since I've met someone new I'm sexually attracted to). Secondary sexual attraction is the only sexual attraction I've had.

I never placed any importance on romance or pursued those sorts of relationships. I'm not sure if that's related to my demisexuality or the fact that I'm also grey-romantic.

Hope this helps!

[Arf]

I only figured it out after two sexual relationships with close friends and two one night stands, all at the kind of late (for figuring out your sexuality) age of 21... It was definitely reflecting on my experiences that helped me realize it. If I didn't have a basis of comparison, I don't know if I would have.

[Satin]

Hi

Thanks for the answers so far. The whole demisexual topic has really taken up my curiosity now.

Besides, demisexuals don't experience sexual attraction for all people they're emotionally tied to,

Yeah I know and that is really fascinating. What kind of factors lead to it? And how does it differ from “normal” sexual people? Sexuals don’t just fall for anyone they’re close to either, but then there seems to be the widespread assumption (straight) girls and guys can’t be friends so that would point into direction of people falling for pretty much anyone when they’re getting closer (I don’t believe it either but it makes for good discussion). You know, the whole friendzone issue is really hyped lately by some internet platforms.

Good of you to search for answers and cast more light on yourself - just don't stress over it :)

Absolutely right, but I can’t help but ponder every once in a while, so I figured why not just ask and see what others experienced. I might learn something. ;)

Still, I guess somewhere in the back of my mind there's always been a sense that a certain type of very deep relationship will (usually) get sexual eventually. But it's not something that feels like a critical or intuitive component of "romance" at all. If anything - a more intuitive way for me to view "romance" is to just see it as a particularly emotionally passionate form of friendship. The idea of sex being integrated into the thing from the very start makes me feel like it's forced and putting the cart before the horse - it feels more intuitive to me to think of sex like a possible "option", which might evolve if the relationship goes a certain way, mutually.

and I guess I just kind of know (or maybe think?) that I would develop sexual attraction in a real relationship with the right person.

Sounds a bit like it’s going into the same direction of what was mentioned in the 2010 topic. Now, what really makes me curious:

I hope I’m not overinterpretating things but when I read about this "phenomenon" that some of the posters in the other topic from 2010 mentioned I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s maybe a bit further reaching, something maybe more than a hand full of demis could relate to.

This is just spontaneous brainstorming but let’s assume that there is some way of “knowing” on a subconscious level that there might be “potential” of developing some sort of sexual interest/attraction in a person. What if this thing, whatever it is, can come in different intensity levels? As said before, a normal person of course doesn’t fall for anyone coming their way. And still many people claim guys and girls can’t just be friends, there is always this spectre sex that ruins it all at some point. Okay, so maybe normal sexual people also have this thing but on a higher level so it happens more often and because they’re so used to it they just tend to generalise it to all people. Which would leave the question of how this is different from demis, who need a close bond to maybe get to feel sexual attraction?

Do you understand what I mean? Of course it might all just be nonsense. But worth a thought still I think. So, any thoughts?

(Oh and I’m not trying to find a new defining trait for demis or something. I just let my mind wander a bit and came up with that. You’re officially allowed to declare it rubbish. After all, most of you did not really say anything going into that direction. ;))

[howyoufeel_org]

I see your point, but still I think it is a clear difference, at least for me.

It is also a kind of blindness of "sexyness" I actually can not see what other guys see, I learn to recognize it by my experience and thoughts but I can not feel it.

A good example is a hot summer day eating lunch with close male friends on the town and it walks a lot of sexy ladies in shorts, I am just not like other sexual dudes for me it just another day eating lunch.

[Guest]

Yeah I know and that is really fascinating. What kind of factors lead to it? And how does it differ from “normal” sexual people? Sexuals don’t just fall for anyone they’re close to either, but then there seems to be the widespread assumption (straight) girls and guys can’t be friends so that would point into direction of people falling for pretty much anyone when they’re getting closer (I don’t believe it either but it makes for good discussion). You know, the whole friendzone issue is really hyped lately by some internet platforms.

Ah, don't even get me started on the gender bias there is on friendships. I will only say this: it should mean that gays only have friends of the opposite sex who are also gay, because otherwise their straight friends would clearly end up being attracted to them, because clearly every sexual is attracted to anything that moves. *facepalm*

I don't think demisexuality has issues with friendzoning and such. More so for asexuality, perhaps, because no sex = not a romantic relationship, in most people's minds. For demis it's quite the opposite: sometimes they're labelled as "normal people who want to be special snowflakes" for their very nature, because "they're just prudes who want to slut-shame and refuse to have casual sex".

But yes, the "attraction trigger" for demisexuals is fascinating. I can relate, as a greyromantic (with demiromantic traits), with how I experience romance. I can personally tell what characteristics bring me to like a friend as more than just a friend, over time... but I'd guess it's different for everyone.

[Satin]

I see your point, but still I think it is a clear difference, at least for me.

The demisexual community is quite diverse, after all. :)

Ah, don't even get me started on the gender bias there is on friendships. I will only say this: it should mean that gays only have friends of the opposite sex who are also gay, because otherwise their straight friends would clearly end up being attracted to them, because clearly every sexual is attracted to anything that moves. *facepalm*

Yeah, exactly. It's silly but this must stem from somewhere... the belief is certainly tenaciously keeping itself.

[howyoufeel_org]

Sometimes I think because I am also demi-romantic it makes it easier to figure it out, because the exposure of romantic encounters are bigger than sexual encounters.

Something I wrote in another thread to describe the sexual attraction for me:

For me I am pretty hardwired with romantic attraction first and then sexual attraction when the romantic bound is in place (but it can take longer).

First I have to be friends, then if I get a crush and get love drunk, the love drunk has to pass before the sexual attraction can start (3 step rocket).

and i use the term me and I a lot because I can actually only describe what I experience.

But , well

Back to one of the original questions, Did you need to be in an actual relationship ?

well, for me, I knew I was different and I kind of did not peruse so much any relation even if I was longing for it, so I had a idea that if I gone meet someone it has to be someone that is bi or something, because I felt I did not really fit in any sexual patterns i knew about, and my knowledge of gender identities and asexuallity was very limited.

I do not really know if I made any clear answers or made it even more blur

But I hope you have a nice day anyway

[Satin]

Something I wrote in another thread to describe the sexual attraction for me:

For me I am pretty hardwired with romantic attraction first and then sexual attraction when the romantic bound is in place (but it can take longer).

First I have to be friends, then if I get a crush and get love drunk, the love drunk has to pass before the sexual attraction can start (3 step rocket).

You know, this is exactly how I pictured one should get a relationship started... I've never been a fan of this whole dating business, that's all going too fast for me. I've always wanted my future partner to be my friend first before I would want it to go further (if that should arise as option). In any case it shouldn't be forced and dating always sounds like you're trying to force yourself into a partnership. Maybe that's why I never ended up in one. But it's okay, I can wait, I'm not depending on getting into one and the more I think about it the less sure I am I want one. ^_^

But , well

Back to one of the original questions, Did you need to be in an actual relationship ?

well, for me, I knew I was different and I kind of did not peruse so much any relation even if I was longing for it, so I had a idea that if I gone meet someone it has to be someone that is bi or something, because I felt I did not really fit in any sexual patterns i knew about, and my knowledge of gender identities and asexuallity was very limited.

I do not really know if I made any clear answers or made it even more blur

But I hope you have a nice day anyway

Nope, I'm not sure I follow. Different how? As in demis/aces/greys are different from "normal" sexual people? The part with "someone that is bi or something" is interesting though. So you wanted someone that is differing from the norm because you didn't feel like you fit into the norm yourself?

PS: Have some ice cream, it's so hot these days! :)

[howyoufeel_org]

Different how?

well, for me and in my country we kind of learn that good start on relations are friend first,then fall in love, get married, then have children and then stay together all life.

So when I was very young it was in total alignment with how I feel, I knew any way that I was different because thing that seemed to be important to other was not important to me (if I was cool or a clown did not matter to me).

Then when I was a late teenager and young adult, the environment around me started to change a lot when it came to romance and sex.

Something happened, not so fast and not all at the same time, but all of my friends started to have sex and to my surprise even my female friends starting to have sex and one night stands.

But I did not, and womans really tried to seduce me (and I mean really tried).

And I tried too, I tried dating, tried to have one night stands, and I did not go to bed with anyone because I felt just horrible or I run away (even sometimes I was running before I was aware of it my subconscious had already made the decision).
I thought a lot of things, I thought I was afraid of womans and I can get over it, can I be gay but why do I want to have sex with womans, and after some years I come to peace with my self and just accept how I am and I felt good about it.

Some of my friends had serious discussions with me what wrong with me and they did not understand me.

I think one of my friend described the difference in a good way:

A long relation can start with casual sex and then grow into a deep relation with time, so why cant you have casual sex like everyone else?

And my answer is that I can not, even if I want to fit in, because my brain is hardwired in that way.

Well, not every sexual has casual sex, it is true, but they can if they choose to.

I can have casual sex but it would be a violation and a trauma.

I guess it is still pretty blur :) , but well it is in the gray area.

I also think that society do advocating demi sexuallity and demi romance but in reallity very few that really are hardwired in that way.

And people that are demis do feel like outsiders and does not really feel they fit in, at least in some periods of their lifes.

[Satin]

Were you forced into trying to date and do onenight stands? For me, at the age of 18 it became somewhat painfully obvious that I'm a late bloomer but I never really wanted to do anything like dating, simply because this all felt so forced to me. Nobody urged me to engage dating, either. I was just anxiously awaiting the person to casually enter my life that I would madly fall in love with and want to have sex with. Never happened so far but now it doesn't matter anymore. ;)

However, thanks for elaborating your situation a bit. I'm still very fascinated by the whole demi (as well as grey) topic and reading about this was very useful. :)

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Were you forced into trying to date and do onenight stands? For me, at the age of 18 it became somewhat painfully obvious that I'm a late bloomer but I never really wanted to do anything like dating, simply because this all felt so forced to me.

I grew up in very modern and sex-positive circumstances. Pretty much an environment where it was expected that teenagers have hookups and one-nighters and experiment sexually. All the emphasis was on keeping them safe when they do. Little to no moralising about sex.

But my interest just wasn't there. I had opportunities, but never took them - always sort of froze up and it just didn't feel right somehow. But I could never put my finger on why that was. And yeah, the rationalisation was some kind of combination of being picky, disciplined and restrained and a "late bloomer". To some extent I even latched onto some semi-conservative thinking at times, because I just couldn't explain to myself how others are so "easy" about it, and to me it naturally seems to come much harder. So I applied the "values" in reverse at times. :lol:

When I think about it, it was really kind of miraculous how I managed to get to 33 years of age before working it out. But yeah, since it does kinda mimic traditional "waiting for a serious relationship" behaviour in many ways, it can be easy to miss. Especially when life throws a few of those at you in succession.

What? You mean it's NOT totally normal to go 8 months from first meeting to desiring sex with a person????? OMG!

[Aspiecat]

Others have probably answered your questions already, so feel free to ignore my post.

I am demi. I have always known that, at least academically-speaking, I could possibly meet someone and "connect" with them - which may lead to sexual attraction. I stress MAY because not only was that not a forgone conclusion in my case, even if it did occur it would be far less important than more important things in a committed relationship.

I knew that even if it never happened, if there was someone "out there" for me but we never met, or if no such person would ever exist in my lifetime, having an intellectual and emotional connection was of the utmost importance to me. Yes, there were aesthetics as well, as 99% of people actually have a physical "type" - even most aces! - but that connection was really the most important thing.

Imagine my surprise when I not only met my soul-mate (not that I believe in souls, but it's as good a description as any of my wonderful partner), seemingly intellectually and emotionally perfect for each other, but we also fit the bill insofar as aesthetics were concerned. Plus, there HAS been a further development - sexual attraction, which never EVER happened to me before.

Interestingly, the thought of physical intimacy with anyone else makes me slightly ill, which shows me that the sexual attraction I feel for my SO is most definitely due to the connection we have. He really is the only one for me, and I for him.

[confusedbutsure]

i never had crushes till quite late in life. then i was attracted to a very very close friend (of course that 'friend' dropped me like a hot potato, once he was in a relationship, but thats another story). By this time, almost all my friends had had relationships, had made out etc etc and i just wasn't interested [people told me i'd 'grow up' a little late, but i was ok]. t

hen my room mate and i became very close and i sort of made out with her, but could never really have sex with her. then again years of no activity no interest.

then i met this friend, we became really close, but for a very long time we would just cuddle and do nothing else. and i wondered what was happening. were we both shy? but if i tried to imagine having sex with him it would freak me out, also the male body repulses me a little bit so i thought that must be it. I was finally sexually attracted to him, but turns out he is gay. hahaha!!! so it was just pure awesomeness. of course i love him and have told him so but i am not attracted to him anymore, it's passed. we still cuddle thought and it's very nice. and it's great...now i don't have worry about 'if there's something wrong with me'

[Satin]

I grew up in very modern and sex-positive circumstances. Pretty much an environment where it was expected that teenagers have hookups and one-nighters and experiment sexually. All the emphasis was on keeping them safe when they do. Little to no moralising about sex.

People here (where I grew up) seem somewhat more conservative, as far as I can tell, until the age of 18 nobody was really that interested or that desperate about relationships... or maybe I just never noticed it. But that's also why I never questioned my sexuality until then - nobody else seemed crazy about it so I figured it was normal to not be interested. :)

Others have probably answered your questions already, so feel free to ignore my post.

Nono, keep going. I opened the topic because I wanted to hear about demis' experiences and the more the better. ;)

I am demi. I have always known that, at least academically-speaking, I could possibly meet someone and "connect" with them - which may lead to sexual attraction. I stress MAY because not only was that not a forgone conclusion in my case, even if it did occur it would be far less important than more important things in a committed relationship.

Ah yes, the "I've always known" thing is what fascinates me because I can absolutely not relate. I mean, now I can because I feel asexual, but before I heard about the whole concept... it was all very confusing. I'm glad you always knew what you are and that you met your significant other at last.

then i met this friend, we became really close, but for a very long time we would just cuddle and do nothing else. and i wondered what was happening. were we both shy? but if i tried to imagine having sex with him it would freak me out, also the male body repulses me a little bit so i thought that must be it. I was finally sexually attracted to him, but turns out he is gay. hahaha!!! so it was just pure awesomeness. of course i love him and have told him so but i am not attracted to him anymore, it's passed. we still cuddle thought and it's very nice. and it's great...now i don't have worry about 'if there's something wrong with me'

Is it okay to ask why you stopped being attracted to him? Is it related to him turning out to be gay and thus (I suppose you're female) he wouldn't have been interested in a relationship? Btw how do sexuals deal with a situation in which they find out the person they've crushed on is not going to be interested in them on a sexual level for reasons like being gay? I doubt they just "stop" being attracted immediately? Silly question, but that got my curiosity now.

Thanks for all the posts! :)

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I can sort of relate to the "have always known" thing in a way...

More accurately, it's actually like: If my first sex education class in school had contained information about every possible orientation out there, I would have latched onto demi straight away. But since that wasn't the case (it was pretty much gay-straight dichotomy thinking over there back then), I had no idea what it was. And of course, being hetero-romantic firmly made me feel "straight".

[confusedbutsure]

I grew up in very modern and sex-positive circumstances. Pretty much an environment where it was expected that teenagers have hookups and one-nighters and experiment sexually. All the emphasis was on keeping them safe when they do. Little to no moralising about sex.

People here (where I grew up) seem somewhat more conservative, as far as I can tell, until the age of 18 nobody was really that interested or that desperate about relationships... or maybe I just never noticed it. But that's also why I never questioned my sexuality until then - nobody else seemed crazy about it so I figured it was normal to not be interested. :)

Others have probably answered your questions already, so feel free to ignore my post.

Nono, keep going. I opened the topic because I wanted to hear about demis' experiences and the more the better. ;)

I am demi. I have always known that, at least academically-speaking, I could possibly meet someone and "connect" with them - which may lead to sexual attraction. I stress MAY because not only was that not a forgone conclusion in my case, even if it did occur it would be far less important than more important things in a committed relationship.

Ah yes, the "I've always known" thing is what fascinates me because I can absolutely not relate. I mean, now I can because I feel asexual, but before I heard about the whole concept... it was all very confusing. I'm glad you always knew what you are and that you met your significant other at last.

then i met this friend, we became really close, but for a very long time we would just cuddle and do nothing else. and i wondered what was happening. were we both shy? but if i tried to imagine having sex with him it would freak me out, also the male body repulses me a little bit so i thought that must be it. I was finally sexually attracted to him, but turns out he is gay. hahaha!!! so it was just pure awesomeness. of course i love him and have told him so but i am not attracted to him anymore, it's passed. we still cuddle thought and it's very nice. and it's great...now i don't have worry about 'if there's something wrong with me'

Is it okay to ask why you stopped being attracted to him? Is it related to him turning out to be gay and thus (I suppose you're female) he wouldn't have been interested in a relationship? Btw how do sexuals deal with a situation in which they find out the person they've crushed on is not going to be interested in them on a sexual level for reasons like being gay? I doubt they just "stop" being attracted immediately? Silly question, but that got my curiosity now.

Thanks for all the posts! :)

what angered me was that my friend didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me even though we were such close friends. but the sexual attraction had gone by that time. he told me i can love you only as a friend. so though i was confused, i was actually ok with it. but i was sad that maybe someday he will find someone who he will be attracted to, which may diminish our relationship. i presume (maybe wrongly that he is not asexual). the thing is we are in a queerplatonic relationship..so it is a relationship for sure, but just that sex has nothing to do with it. so no it wasn't him coming out that stopped the attraction or had any effect on our relationship. my partner doesn't really know that i am grey-sexual. but even when i was attracted to him, i enjoyed the thought of being attracted to him more than wanting to act on it, i guess.

I am well what one would call a female, but i don't fall under the strict category of female in that i grew up wanting to be a boy, acted like a boy, uncomfortable in female clothing till very late. in my 28 years of existence, i have become very comfortable with my body over the last 6 years or so.

i know of a couple between a gay man and a heterosexual female, but she didn't know about his orientation. when she found out, it created a lot of bitterness, she can't trust him completely now but they still remain very close..she is an another relationship now.

also, till now whenever i have tried mentioning i am asexual, people laugh it off. my parents think it is something i will grow out of. in some way it is very similar to the experience of coming out that people of the LGBT community face..it's just a phase, you don't know what you're talking about, subconsciously you're suppressing your sexual urges. now i don't care about explaining it to people anymore. they can feel free to presume what they want to. i can explain only so much to people.

[fennnnario]

For me, friendship has always been enough. In fact it's basically the only thing I need to like someone, which meant I never thought I would be anything related to asexual. I was attracted to all my close male friends, and I've had friends with benefits type situations. But reading posts on AVEN, I've realized that all the things I see people do in movies and books (date a stranger, hookups, become attracted to people upon first meeting them in general) were actually things people did. I never felt I needed the label Demi, but it's still useful for explaining things.

As far as you go, I know that many Demis need to have a relationship before they become sexually attracted to someone, so you could be Demi. But it's not something to worry about- if you end up in a relationship with someone, just see where it goes.