Telling Someone You Are Dating?

[AppleEye]

For those of you who are interested in dating, I have a question. Do you tell someone you are dating that you are asexual? What are you thinking at the start of a relationship sex wise, do you plan on eventually doing it even though you don't want to, or is it out of the question and you just hope that that person will be okay with it?

I want to date, I love being in love, and I really want to share my life with someone. I don't want my asexuality to be in the way, but it is.

For me, I think next time I date someone, I won't tell them, just to see if I can manage to have sex with them eventually, but if I find that I absolutely cannot make myself do it, I guess I would have to tell them.

I'm just finishing up my first year of college, and in college and high school they always tell you to wait until you're ready. Are ready for sex and wanting sex 2 different things in my case? Where do I fit in on this, does that idea just not apply to me?

It just doesn't seem fair. Can someone with a lot of relationship experience give me some advice?

[FlaafyTaffy]

I say tell anyone that you are planning on dating that you are asexual right off the bat. Explain things to them and explain that there's a chance you could compromise some where down the line depending on how serious things get, but you are unsure if you'll ever want it. I feel like if you wait until the point you can't take it anymore, they are going to feel really confused. They may feel betrayed as well. It's really really not easy to fake a sexuality/sexual desire.

[AppleEye]

I feel like that's the right thing to do in regards to the other person. The last guy I dated, I ended up telling I think on the third date. He was wonderful about it, I don't know how long he would have been cool with it for though, I decided to stop seeing him shortly after.

I'm a little afraid of missing out on some great guys because of telling them. Also, a part of me wants to get to the point of sex, because I guess I still kind of hope that I'm not really asexual, even though the chances are slim.

What you say makes sense though. You say I should tell someone right off the bat. How right off the bat do you think that should be?

[Vega91]

I think you should tell them at the latest at the point that either of you starts thinking sex may come into the equation. There's no point in lying about your orientation, especially if you tell him you may be willing to compromise. But you shouldn't hide it, the truth will come out eventually.

If you really are asexual, it's not about "being ready," because asexuality's not immaturity but an orientation. Of course a demisexual could eventually feel sexual attraction at some point.

And hey, you could eventually meet another ace! :P

[AppleEye]

If I did end up waiting until one of us is thinking of sexual acts, is it best to describe they way that I don't really desire sex with anyone, or is it best to actually use the term asexual?

[ristvak]

I believe you should absolutely tell someone as soon as possible into the relationship. I met my boyfriend online and I have my asexual status on my profile so he knew before our first date. We've talked about it several times, though it took a few tries to finally get his turboslut mind to understand just what it is.

::edit:: in regards to your most recent question, do both.

A lot of people don't understand what asexuality is and just throwing the clinical definition at them may cause them to glaze over or be dismissive. And there is SUCH a spectrum of asexuality, tell them what YOUR experience/feelings/desires (or lack thereof) are. ::/edit::

I don't feel sex-repulsed so I did tell him that I was open to it "eventually" but that it would most likely be a matter of me engaging in it more out of curiosity than sexual attraction. I think that can be quite a blow to someone's ego if the interaction feels that way but they're not sure why.

Even if you're a virgin, and really don't know your limits or preferences, tell them so. (i.e. "I have no experience, but I'm interested in x, y, z, however I do identify as ___ so....")

I mean, would you hide your religion? Your hobbies? Why on earth would you hide something as inherent as your sexuality then?

For me, I think next time I date someone, I won't tell them, just to see if I can manage to have sex with them eventually, but if I find that I absolutely cannot make myself do it, I guess I would have to tell them.

Please PLEASE don't do this. It will be so unfair to both of you if you can't.

***TOTAL TMI WARNING***

I'm not sex repulsed, I'm curious, and my guy would have had sex on our first date if he had his way. Things really got going this weekend, and I thought "what the hell"... Yeah, the punchline was such an intense level of pain that I had to shove him off of me after three thrusts and started sobbing (which is a whoooole new level of wtf and is in no way a normal response).

And you know what? He held me, he encouraged me to cry, and we got up and went back to non physical activities.

I truly, honestly believe the average guy (with less experience than him and with no knowledge of my history and interest level) would have had a completely different reaction (probably akin to him running screaming for the hills).

I don't want to scare you off though. You may be closer to demi, or may be a sex positive ace, in which case you'll enjoy it and life will be grand. But you can't just assume that's the way it's going to go. And if it DOESN'T go that way, don't you want to be with someone who wasn't completely blindsided by it?

I think ready for sex and wanting sex are very different, maybe especially for aces? I feel very close to my guy, he gets me aroused very easily, technically, my body was ready for sex. I wouldn't say I /wanted/ to have sex, but I didn't NOT want to either. And I think the double negative is what bit me in the butt.

If "what the hell, I'll give it a shot" is your motivation for having sex, don't do it.

But that's just my two cents based on my last 36 hours of existence.

[I Shot the Serif]

I believe you should absolutely tell someone as soon as possible into the relationship. I met my boyfriend online and I have my asexual status on my profile so he knew before our first date. We've talked about it several times, though it took a few tries to finally get his turboslut mind to understand just what it is.

::edit:: in regards to your most recent question, do both.

A lot of people don't understand what asexuality is and just throwing the clinical definition at them may cause them to glaze over or be dismissive. And there is SUCH a spectrum of asexuality, tell them what YOUR experience/feelings/desires (or lack thereof) are. ::/edit::

I don't feel sex-repulsed so I did tell him that I was open to it "eventually" but that it would most likely be a matter of me engaging in it more out of curiosity than sexual attraction. I think that can be quite a blow to someone's ego if the interaction feels that way but they're not sure why.

Even if you're a virgin, and really don't know your limits or preferences, tell them so. (i.e. "I have no experience, but I'm interested in x, y, z, however I do identify as ___ so....")

I mean, would you hide your religion? Your hobbies? Why on earth would you hide something as inherent as your sexuality then?

For me, I think next time I date someone, I won't tell them, just to see if I can manage to have sex with them eventually, but if I find that I absolutely cannot make myself do it, I guess I would have to tell them.

Please PLEASE don't do this. It will be so unfair to both of you if you can't.

***TOTAL TMI WARNING***

I'm not sex repulsed, I'm curious, and my guy would have had sex on our first date if he had his way. Things really got going this weekend, and I thought "what the hell"... Yeah, the punchline was such an intense level of pain that I had to shove him off of me after three thrusts and started sobbing (which is a whoooole new level of wtf and is in no way a normal response).

And you know what? He held me, he encouraged me to cry, and we got up and went back to non physical activities.

I truly, honestly believe the average guy (with less experience than him and with no knowledge of my history and interest level) would have had a completely different reaction (probably akin to him running screaming for the hills).

I don't want to scare you off though. You may be closer to demi, or may be a sex positive ace, in which case you'll enjoy it and life will be grand. But you can't just assume that's the way it's going to go. And if it DOESN'T go that way, don't you want to be with someone who wasn't completely blindsided by it?

I think ready for sex and wanting sex are very different, maybe especially for aces? I feel very close to my guy, he gets me aroused very easily, technically, my body was ready for sex. I wouldn't say I /wanted/ to have sex, but I didn't NOT want to either. And I think the double negative is what bit me in the butt.

If "what the hell, I'll give it a shot" is your motivation for having sex, don't do it.

But that's just my two cents based on my last 36 hours of existence.

:-( Ouch! *Hugs* So not the best idea. I'm glad he was at least good about it afterward.

Re: OP: I believe it's good to tell and tell early.

[ristvak]

:-( Ouch! *Hugs* So not the best idea. I'm glad he was at least good about it afterward.

Oooooh I know. I well and truly screwed up all three points of well being with that one, today was NOT a good day. But we had a good 2-3 hour long conversation about it today, and he's agreed to take a step back with the physical stuff so we're good.

Not trying to hijack though, I just wanted to share my experience =)

[Guest]

I say tell anyone that you are planning on dating that you are asexual right off the bat. Explain things to them and explain that there's a chance you could compromise some where down the line depending on how serious things get, but you are unsure if you'll ever want it. I feel like if you wait until the point you can't take it anymore, they are going to feel really confused.

This. :)

On a more personal level... well, I'm very open about my asexuality with just about anyone. The people I know past the "Hi" acquaintance stage are aware of my asexuality, and since I'd never want to start a relationship with anyone I don't already know, it's kind of automatic that any given "potential partner" for me would be someone who, due to circumstances, already knows about my orientation.

I actually don't want to be with sexual people, but that's another matter entirely.

[Arctangent]

On a more personal level... well, I'm very open about my asexuality with just about anyone. The people I know past the "Hi" acquaintance stage are aware of my asexuality, and since I'd never want to start a relationship with anyone I don't already know, it's kind of automatic that any given "potential partner" for me would be someone who, due to circumstances, already knows about my orientation.

This is one of the benefits of being grey-romantic/demi-romantic and being relatively open about one's asexuality with friends. It pretty much preempts the entire issue since anyone I'd develop romantic interest in would probably be aware of my asexuality. I'd likely have already had at least one conversation about asexuality with them beforehand.

Anyway, it's up to you when to tell the person, but I'd personally recommend doing so sooner rather than later. I tend to think it's better to make sure the other person knows before the relationship gets too involved to prevent some of the ensuing heartache if it turns out to be a deal breaker.

[AppleEye]

I really appreciate all the helpful answers and sharing your experiences guys. It had definitely changed my plans on when I will tell a guy I am dating.

[Noisy Cricke7]

Easily the best route is to be honest with them at the start of the relationship. Down the road, they might not appreciate learning this information after all of the experiences the two of you will have been through. Honesty is key, and they may come to love you that much more because of it.

[Guest]

Good luck, AppleEye! Please let us know how it goes, I'm curious. ^_^

This is one of the benefits of being grey-romantic/demi-romantic and being relatively open about one's asexuality with friends. It pretty much preempts the entire issue since anyone I'd develop romantic interest in would probably be aware of my asexuality. I'd likely have already had at least one conversation about asexuality with them beforehand.

Totally! One of my favourite advantages. I actually do it for visibility more than just letting other people know about it, since I'm not "looking" for a partner (as said, I wouldn't date a sexual, and I believe that romance is something that has to happen naturally, I'm not one to seek it on my own). Another great upside is listening to friends asking questions and joking about it. Mine are awesome and we've had some pretty dorky Skype and real life times with that. :P

[AppleEye]

Thanks! But I'm not it a relationship now, I was just asking for future reference. If it ever does happen though, I'm sure i'll post about it!

[Guest]

Another vote for "as soon as possible" here... seeing as I'm not one to date strangers and really want a firm friendship base established beforehand, I'd say the right time to "come out" is the first date at the very latest. Sex in the classic sense is forever off the table in any ship I enter, and the sooner a potential partner knows that, the better - I don't want to waste anyone's time or get (IMO, rightly) accused of leading them on.

[Charlie777]

I find it hard to precisely define "dating." If I take someone to the movies and/or out to dinner it appears to be a "date" and if it happens enough it turns into "dating." Nowadays I don't often get into that much confusion because most of my friends know me well enough and I now know that asexual doesn't just refer to starfish and amoebas.

Years ago, for lack of a better word, I would tell women that I was "celibate." Of course, that would bring up iquiries about why I'm not wearing my backward collar or saffron robe. When I made attempts to explain celibacy--incorrectly of course--they either wouldn't believe me, or think I was some kind of "challenge" to them. I sometimes, of all things, would identify myself as a "celibate gay man"! But I didn't know what I was and couldn't find any information about it other than things about impotence or birth defects. This was mostly about 20 to 40 years ago.

I'm still open to meeting a woman I can have a non-sexual relationship with. Most women I've met in recent years pretty quickly detect that there is no "chemistry" between us. Even those who are fed up with oversexed hetero men don't want to get involved with a man who feels no sexual attraction for them. I guess they enjoy continuing to bitch about men being "beasts" and "sex maniacs."