Advice wanted

[Wiccangirl]

I've been with my fiancé for almost 3yrs. We have sex on occasion but I'm sexual and have a high drive. He is one that it doesn't matter if there's sex or not. I love him and care about him a lot and that's why we've discussed him possibly being asexual. He thinks he may be but isn't sure. We're having a hard time with our sex life where every other aspect of our relationship is great. I dunno what to do about our sex life. He's a bigger guy of about 330lbs and I'm not a tiny girl myself but am very flexible at my 215lbs I carry my weight well and get told I look 180lbs often. He carries all his weight in his stomach area and is apple shape where as I'm a cross between hourglass and pear shaped. He's 5'11.75" and I'm 5'6.5". I hope these descriptions help. Anyhoo, when we do engage he says its very much like wrk to him and looses interest. I try to wait around for when the mood strikes him but its hard not to say anything about it or ask him for it. I feel neglected and am trying to make sense of his feelings as well as my own. I refuse to cheat because that's wrong and I do really care about and value him and our relationship. Any advice is appreciated. Help. :-/

[Guest]

Welcome.

First thing I would do is sit him down and ask to discuss this in a bit more detail. It feels like work, why? Is it the physical effort, if he's out of shape? Is it just that it's too boring? Would making it a bit more like a game help? Playing music so he has something to focus on? Does he have any sort of fetish you might be able to work with? Is it just intercourse, or does he find oral/manual just as boring/work like? Would a schedule help him, if it's considered a lot of effort, so he can "prepare" for it? ... best to get to the bottom of WHY it's such a big deal for him to compromise.

Then you can work on how often would a compromise work: daily? weekly? monthly? bi-monthly? Figure out what would be too little for you and too much for him, then try to find a middle ground.

If comrpomise sex is something he just doesn't want to do at all and sex is something you need, then you will have to make some choices. Open relationship (it's not cheating if he says it's ok), breaking up or going without. Most mixed relationships end up compromising, but sometimes one or the other just can't budge to find that middle ground. Nothing wrong with it, on either side, but it happens sometimes.

For me, I am a non-libidoist asexual. Meaning, I not only feel no sexual attraction I also have little to no sex drive. I could go years without sex or masturbation and it would not bug me one bit. So, sex is something that is very chore like for me. I have a schedule in place with my partner, then I can prepare for sex and know when it's "safe" and I won't be asked for it. I know, not exactly the romantic passion filled sex life most sexuals seem to like, but that is all I can do as far as long term sex goes. *shrug*

[Lydian]

I'm not sure I understand what the descriptions of your height/body types had to do with anything....

[Mapleleaf]

If I understand correctly, the height/weight was to give an idea of why OP's fiancé would find sex to be more of a chore, more like work, because weight can be an issue.

From what I know, OP, having a lot of extra weight - especially if it's been recently gained - can have an effect on libido. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do know that recently gaining weight can mess up menstruation because hormones go all wonky... so I'd guess the same for guys and testosterone. However, of course, I am no expert. Serran had good points with the questions to ask him. There is a lot more information that your fiancé could give you about why he views it as work.

For me, as an asexual, sex is kind of like a chore because I don't find enjoyment in it (I am married to a sexual). But I do it because I love my husband. We have never been ones to have sex extremely frequently, but when we do I find it unpleasant (although I don't tell my husband that, usually). However, the touching before and after is enjoyable - and my husband finds it enjoyable as well. He's suggested in the past that he pleasure himself while I touch myself (since apparently that turns him on?), if I really don't want to have sex. So it's still kind of a together thing - and obviously it would be different for you since it's your fiancé, not you, who is struggling to enjoy sex. But that is maybe something you could work on, or a variation thereof?

In any case, I hope that you manage to figure things out. I'm sorry if I just blathered... maybe there's something of use in my post, though.

[CierraJo]

Yeah, I agree that sex is a chore for many asexuals. For me, I just refuse to do the work. If he wants sex he has to make the effort (i.e. be on top). I think at any weight sex can be exhausting and for asexuals who don't enjoy it, you don't know when it is going to end but it usually feels like it takes forever. I'm not sure you can do anything to change that - maybe you should just make sure that you are doing the bulk of the work like my fiance does. I just lie there and try not to pass out or throw up! LOL

[LolaH]

My husband of 15 years is asexual and I'm very sexual. It's been a problem from the very start and continues to trouble me every day. I finally had to move into separate bedrooms as laying next to him every night was a constant reminder of the void we have in our relationship. I love him, he loves me. He's a great husband and father, but this disconnect eats at me constantly. I don't want to not have him in my life, but I feel a deep need to have a physical connection with another human being. It's so difficult bc we've built this wonderful life and family together, and I feel so shallow and selfish to consider that my sexual needs might tear us apart. Idk where we are right now, a very strange limbo. Though we're seeking marriage/sex counseling (again), in my heart I know that this is just what this is. Now I'm trying to figure out if I can learn to accept this and be happy, or if this is the end of us.

[jojo2003]

Hi there and welcome.

I am a sexual partner in a long term mixed relationship.

My partner is asexual, or at least that is what we call it. It is very hard for many asexuals to identify themselves as such, but as I mentioned earlier, does it matter what the name is? There obviously is a difference in your sex drive and you are talking about it. That is the first important step.

Although Serran has many good ideas, I think it is good to establish first why your partner experiences sex as a chore. Of course it can be asexuality, but it can also be part of gaining weight or other physical conditions.

If you have established however that the lack of interest in sex is intrinsic and maybe asexuality, than you can discuss if there are possibilities for compromise as discussed by Serran. The major part is that you are talking about it, that is very good.

Please keep using the practical experience on this forum. We are here to help if we can. Lot's of succes.

[Down in Texas]

I am a highly sexual female married now for just over 40 years to what I just last year learned is a gray asexual. You have been given some very good advice and communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. However in a mixed relationship it can become even more important. Any marriage even removing sex from the equation has enough areas that communication is important. When you introduce sexual problems in on top of any other problems communication becomes even more important and sometimes even harder to manage. I highly suggest you iron out your differences in the sexual field before you become legally committed. I know that divorce has become much more socially acceptable but why go through the pain that may and I do say MAY be involved if it can be prevented before hand.

I have some friends that are on the large side and I am not small myself so do not think that the weight is the problem by it's self. If there is a medical reason for the weight gain such as heart problems then that needs to be addressed not only to improve your sex life but most importantly to insure your partners health safety.

For me as a highly sexual female I can honestly say it has taken a lot more giving up on my part than on my husbands in order to stay married. Yes he LOVES me very much I know that he does and I LOVE him. However that does not help the desire for sex that goes unfulfilled. Sex in the beginning of our marriage was not as hard to satisfy as it has as time goes by. Once the passion of NEW LOVE wears off sex is much harder to keep alive. Looking back if I had the information you have I am not sure I would have made the decisions I did to marry knowing now what I may have been facing with and forced to give up.

[Lasker]

LolaH

"this disconnect eats at me constantly". your phrase describes my situation precisely.

Amoeba Colony

I also feel that what I have sacrificed seems so much more than what my spouse has sacrificed.

None of my options are good. I can either take baby steps toward solving my problem without ever really solving it, or replace my problem with a different (and potentially bigger) problem.

As a Christian, i believe in God and have hope. I pray, knowing that God ail help me with my path forward, whatever that may be.

[Touchofinsight]

Well, you have to take this one step at a time.

First off you need to talk to your husband outside of the bedroom/house about this.

I find that over a drink helps, (helps you loosen up and the pressure to have sex isn't there because your in public). However pick your own setting I am just a booze hound :).

You need to let him know how you feel about your sex life and how it makes you feel. Use I statements and not "you" because it may put him on the defensive or make it seem like the only person who needs to change is him. Once you can start the discussion in a civil manner without pressure you have a shot of working it out together.

On a side note you may want to try being on top? Just a thought.