Feeling Resentful...

[majestysnowbird]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now and he just recently (about a month ago) came out to me as asexual. He's
done a very good job of explaining how he feels to me and I while I feel like I technically understand, but emotionally there's a barrier. We've already talked about boundaries and compromising I'm content with what we've come up with, but since we've talked I've been feeling down and have noticed that I've been pushing the bf away. I'm not really doing it consciously, but lately I have been getting annoyed at him easily and feeling upset, even when he's not doing anything that would usually upset me.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I am upset with him. I'm not angry, but I feel hurt. When we first started dating, and throughout most of our relationship, we had sex all of the time and he more often than not initiated. He often talked about how much he liked having sex and how I turned him on, etc. Also, he complimented me a lot on my looks and called me sexy all the time. It all made me feel confident and wanted, so when he told me that he's never actually enjoyed sex and that he's never actually been attracted to me in a sexual way, it was like the floor dropped from under me. I know that the way he feels isn't a reflection on me, but it feels like it is. And I feel like he has been lying to me throughout our entire relationship. He recently figured out that he's asexual, so he didn't really know during most of our relationship, but it still hurts knowing that he told me one thing and felt another for so long.

Lately my confidence is gone and I've been feeling undersireable. I'm hoping that some of you here have felt similar and can give me advice about getting past the resentment I'm feeling for my bf right now. I love him and want to get out of this bad place I'm in right now, but I feel stuck. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[has left the building]

My heart goes out to you because he did indeed lie to you.

When I got married, I was not aware of asexuality but I never misrepresented my attitude about sex. I won't go into all the details but over the years when my wife has gotten resentful I made the following analogy: "Just as I knew you weren't a size 4 when we married, you knew I wasn't a sex fiend (because of the lack of activity)." She would always respond with, "I thought that would change."

Now that I have a name for what I am and have sat down with her and talked about it, she's fine with it for now.

You've got two years invested in this relationship and you are now at a crossroad. If sex is super important to you and he is finally being honest with you then I believe you have your answer. DO NOT stay with him hoping he will change. Stay with him because you love him and because you can see a HAPPY FUTURE together, with or without sex.

If you can't see those things becoming reality, then part company gracefully and with gratitude for the good times you did have.

[RoL34]

You need to understand something, he can love you just as much as any sexual person can, but he just doesn't show that through sex. It has nothing to do with how sexually desirable you are, Angelina Jolie could drop naked from the sky onto his lap and it won't do anything for him (except probably give him a heart attack, but that would be a natural reaction, no?). This isn't your fault, it's not really his fault either. I think you and he should have a talk about what exactly you two want out of this relationship. Be open, be honest, and if you guys can work it out, awesome. If not, then like the above poster, part gracefully.

[Percivel]

My thought for you is that don't pretend that sex is not an important part of a long term relationship if it is important. For many sexuals, like myself, sex/intimacy ranks high on my list of importance in a relationship. It's probably second on my list. I think many sexuals are afraid to proclaim it's importance because it can be embarassing or make it seem like you're just a horn-toad. For sexuals, it's in our genetic make-up to want/desire/need sex. Also, men seem to be more willing to express thier "need" for sex more than woman do (that's my experience anyway).

[Guest]

MANY asexuals have tried to pretend that they are a normal sexual and yes it sucks as a partner who figures out that it was a pretend, but try to think of it this way : he didn't know he was asexual, he may have even convinced himself he _did_ like sex because that is what "all guys like" after all. Self-denial over being so different is not that uncommon. Important thing is when he figured it out, he was honest with you. And that is all that can really be asked from anyone. I didn't know asexuality even existed when I entered my relationship, so I just went with the flow and did what I knew was expected of me. I thought it was just something broken in me and if I ignored it, it would fix itself. EVERYONE loves sex, after all, everyone says so! (though not true)

Now, is time for you to decide for yourself what you want. He has come out and been honest about what he wants, from your post. Is compromise sex something you can do? Do you REQUIRE that he be as into as you are? Remember, he is doing it out of love. It may not be as pleasurable for him as it is for you, but it's a sign of affection still. If you decide that it is not something you can take, then don't feel guilty and don't let resentment build, tell him. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you need to be happy.

An asexuals lack of sexual pleasure / interest has nothing to do with their partner. He probably DOES find you attractive, just not sexually so. Aesthetic attraction and finding you beautiful are still very possible for aces though. So try not to feel like it is anything about you, try to think of the fact he loves YOU, your personality and mind, so much that he is willing to make it work even with that incompatibility there. You are such a special person, he desires your company (even if not your body) so much that he wants to stay and make it work.

If the incompatibility of sexual interest is too great, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It is much better to be happy with someone you are compatible with, than to stay in a relationship because you love someone, but are not right for each other. That breeds resentment and is a toxic environment. Mixed relationships can work, but only if a situation can be reached where both parties are content, even if not getting exactly what they want (hence, compromise). So, take some time, think it through. And remember, it is no more your fault for being sexual than it is his fault for being asexual. And it can take some time to adjust to the new information. I don't think it would be unreasonable if you told him you needed some time to adjust, if you are feeling angry at him and cannot be around him yet.

[< retired >]

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I am upset with him. I'm not angry, but I feel hurt. When we first started dating, and throughout most of our relationship, we had sex all of the time and he more often than not initiated. He often talked about how much he liked having sex and how I turned him on, etc. Also, he complimented me a lot on my looks and called me sexy all the time. It all made me feel confident and wanted, so when he told me that he's never actually enjoyed sex and that he's never actually been attracted to me in a sexual way, it was like the floor dropped from under me. I know that the way he feels isn't a reflection on me, but it feels like it is. And I feel like he has been lying to me throughout our entire relationship. He recently figured out that he's asexual, so he didn't really know during most of our relationship, but it still hurts knowing that he told me one thing and felt another for so long.

Your BF's claim that 'he recently figured out that he's asexual' is interesting. If your BF is congenitally asexual, then he's known since puberty that he is not sexually attracted to women. However, it's possible that only recently has he acquired a name for his condition. If this is the case, then IMO you have a right to feel deceived. (There is a long-standing philosophical debate whether someone can know something without having a name for it. I argue 'yes' but some philosophers argue 'no'. I won't get into this quagmire ...)

Another possibility is that he was formerly attracted to women, and now is not. Most folks would put this into the 'sexual dysfunction' category. If this is the case, then IMO he did not deceive you. He should probably be examined by a medical professional.

Hope this helps!

[Guest]

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I am upset with him. I'm not angry, but I feel hurt. When we first started dating, and throughout most of our relationship, we had sex all of the time and he more often than not initiated. He often talked about how much he liked having sex and how I turned him on, etc. Also, he complimented me a lot on my looks and called me sexy all the time. It all made me feel confident and wanted, so when he told me that he's never actually enjoyed sex and that he's never actually been attracted to me in a sexual way, it was like the floor dropped from under me. I know that the way he feels isn't a reflection on me, but it feels like it is. And I feel like he has been lying to me throughout our entire relationship. He recently figured out that he's asexual, so he didn't really know during most of our relationship, but it still hurts knowing that he told me one thing and felt another for so long.

Your BF's claim that 'he recently figured out that he's asexual' is interesting. If your BF is congenitally asexual, then he's known since puberty that he is not sexually attracted to women. However, it's possible that only recently has he acquired a name for his condition. If this is the case, then IMO you have a right to feel deceived. (There is a long-standing philosophical debate whether someone can know something without having a name for it. I argue 'yes' but some philosophers argue 'no'. I won't get into this quagmire ...)

Another possibility is that he was formerly attracted to women, and now is not. Most folks would put this into the 'sexual dysfunction' category. If this is the case, then IMO he did not deceive you. He should probably be examined by a medical professional.

Hope this helps!

Sexual orientations are not quite as black and white as all that. Many people don't realize their orientation for years. Some have to experiment to know what their orientation is. Some get confused and muddle feelings of one thing with another. Not everyone has the ability to from birth understand their feelings, especially about something as confusing as sex and relationships. I didn't realize exactly HOW different I was until I was 25 (sexually active since 15) - if you ask any of my exes they wouldn't know I was asexual, I didn't know. My Aunt didn't know she was lesbian, not until after marriage and 3 kids and no matter what she did to get what she THOUGHT she wanted, she wasn't satisfied and she really had to soul search to figure out why. I wish every person could instantly understand themselves, but it is just not the case.

[Sally]

Your BF's claim that 'he recently figured out that he's asexual' is interesting. If your BF is congenitally asexual, then he's known since puberty that he is not sexually attracted to women. However, it's possible that only recently has he acquired a name for his condition. If this is the case, then IMO you have a right to feel deceived. (There is a long-standing philosophical debate whether someone can know something without having a name for it. I argue 'yes' but some philosophers argue 'no'. I won't get into this quagmire ...)

It isn't really a quagmire. Names for conditions convey the fact that since there is a name, that means you are not alone, and then you read about others who feel (or don't feel) as you do. What I "knew" for most of my life was that I didn't do sex correctly, and I continued to attempt to get better at it. That wasn't deceiving anyone; that was simply trying to feel something I thought I SHOULD feel, because everyone else did. And I was aesthetically attracted to others, and thought that must mean that if I practiced, I'd be a good sexual instead of a lousy sexual.

Then I read about asexuality, and came to AVEN, and realized I wasn't a bad sexual; I was just a pretty standard asexual. I immediately told my partner, who accused me of deceiving him. Now he understands that I didn't, and that the only reason I kept trying to be "better" at sex was that I loved him and wanted to please him.

[jojo2003]

Dear MajestySnowBird,

The first thing you need to realize that it is understandible you feel this way.

I do not think your BF has lied to you. It is very difficult to understand what you are feeling as an asexual.

But yes, I do feel hurt as well sometimes. And although it might not be fair, because my partner can not change the way she is, I can not change the way I feel every now and then.

But now to turn things around as you asked in your post. What I try to do is keep focussing on the good things we have. It is hard to do when you are feeling down and it does not always work directly, but in the end it does. You love him, there is a reason for that.

Second, try to find some activities to do together. I took my partner on a picknick once and on a long walk through beautiful scenery, rowing boats together, go iceskating. Just to get some quality fun together. Then afterwards it is much more diffcult to feel resentment (at least for me).

I hope this works for you. But in my experience a mixed relationship like ours has its ups and downs and that won't change I am afraid. Still I love my partner for over 16 years now, so somewhere something must be good...

Good luck.

[PlayfulSadism]

Snowbird, I'm on relatively the same timeline as you in my mixed relationship and am also attempting to manage my misdirected frustration and resentment.

My partner didn't know there was a name for why she didn't enjoy sexual intimacy. Like your boyfriend, she did her best to convince me that she enjoyed what we did together and that I had a healthy amount of sex appeal. When she came out to me just shy of 2 years into our relationship, I didn't hold any of that against her. She didn't have any malevolent intentions when she told me those things-she wanted them to be true as much as I did. I'm sure your boyfriend feels the same way. Having to lie to you about them probably made him feel trapped. Until he told you the truth, he had to live up to the expectations of being something he wasn't, and he'd have to continue lying to you to do it.

We've been living together since September. Like you, I also struggle with not feeling attractive. I enjoyed hearing that I was good-looking, or sexy. I used to take pride in my body and its effect on other people. While this thought is neither fair nor true, I feel as though she took that from me. It doesn't help that she isn't prone to complimenting or praising people, so unless she's cuddled against me before we go to sleep, I often feel unappreciated.

I'm not sure if this solution is healthy or honest, but it's helping me until I can figure out something better: Stop hoping he'll wake up one morning and like that part of you. Work out, dress provocatively, flirt shamelessly, do WHATEVER you normally do when you want someone to take notice of you sexually (although, for the sake of being kind, do try not to lead anyone on unless you plant to follow through). Feed off of compliments from strangers, hang out with friends who look up to you and make you feel special.

I know that it would mean more to hear those things from him, but he shouldn't be your only source of input for approval. Most of that comes from you, and with a little help from the rest of the world, you'll remember how to do it yourself. That way, when you're together, you'll have the self-assurance to weather the most of the unpleasantness and stop pushing him away as much.

[Down in Texas]

I am a sexual female married to (what I now know to be a gray A). It took me 39 years to find what the problem was between my partner and myself. I read and read looking for answers. Not all of the answers I was looking for, were to fix my husband, for a long time I believed I was the problem. Then later into the marriage I started to look for other possible causes. It was not until I found AVEN last Feb that I finally found the answer to years of heart ache.

If you feel you need more than you are getting. Know IT WILL NOT change for either of you. You are both who you are, and NO ONE is to blame for what they are, be it sexual or asexual. But having said that neither one of you can like more or like less the need for sex. The need for SEX is what makes you both who you are.

If I had known before I married that he would not enjoy sex, as sexual as I am, I would have made a much different choice in my LIFE PARTNER. Marriage is hard enough in all areas and Sex and the comfort I expected from it was not one I expected to have to face.

So, the choice is yours. No one can tell you what to do all we can do is tell you what we may or may not have done. Or what we have or have not been able to receive and any other aspect of degrees of intimacy that will or will not be for us. You are the only one that knows what goes on between both of you and what you need or don't need. A two year investment in a relationship may seem long but a 40 year one with the same pain is something much different.

[majestysnowbird]

Thank you everyone for the kind advice and support :) I feel a lot better after getting my feelings out there and hearing about people who have similar stories (from both sides!) both on this thread and on the rest of the forum.

I think this:

MANY asexuals have tried to pretend that they are a normal sexual and yes it sucks as a partner who figures out that it was a pretend, but try to think of it this way : he didn't know he was asexual, he may have even convinced himself he _did_ like sex because that is what "all guys like" after all. Self-denial over being so different is not that uncommon. Important thing is when he figured it out, he was honest with you. And that is all that can really be asked from anyone. I didn't know asexuality even existed when I entered my relationship, so I just went with the flow and did what I knew was expected of me. I thought it was just something broken in me and if I ignored it, it would fix itself. EVERYONE loves sex, after all, everyone says so! (though not true)

really hit the nail on the head about how my boyfriend feels. It was nice to see his feelings restated like this and I think I can wrap my mind around this better now. I think in the end he didn't lie to me; this is a result of confusion on his end and him trying to do right by me, and thinking about it in that way does help somewhat.

Breaking up isn't really an option I'm considering right now, but I appreciate everyone who made me feel not guilty for considering it. I'm hoping that everything will work out. It'll definitely take more communication and more work, but our relationship is worth it to me. I do think I'll be sticking around here though, it seems like an awesome resource :) Thanks again, everyone!

am

[Odis]

Thank you everyone for the kind advice and support :) I feel a lot better after getting my feelings out there and hearing about people who have similar stories (from both sides!) both on this thread and on the rest of the forum.

I think this:

MANY asexuals have tried to pretend that they are a normal sexual and yes it sucks as a partner who figures out that it was a pretend, but try to think of it this way : he didn't know he was asexual, he may have even convinced himself he _did_ like sex because that is what "all guys like" after all. Self-denial over being so different is not that uncommon. Important thing is when he figured it out, he was honest with you. And that is all that can really be asked from anyone. I didn't know asexuality even existed when I entered my relationship, so I just went with the flow and did what I knew was expected of me. I thought it was just something broken in me and if I ignored it, it would fix itself. EVERYONE loves sex, after all, everyone says so! (though not true)

really hit the nail on the head about how my boyfriend feels. It was nice to see his feelings restated like this and I think I can wrap my mind around this better now. I think in the end he didn't lie to me; this is a result of confusion on his end and him trying to do right by me, and thinking about it in that way does help somewhat.

Breaking up isn't really an option I'm considering right now, but I appreciate everyone who made me feel not guilty for considering it. I'm hoping that everything will work out. It'll definitely take more communication and more work, but our relationship is worth it to me. I do think I'll be sticking around here though, it seems like an awesome resource :) Thanks again, everyone!

am

He's lucky he has someone like you ... I'm not sure I'd forgive him as quick and I'm asexual (and I guess aromantic). No one wants to be used as an experiment it's just bad for one's self esteem. But if you think you'd like to salvage the relationship you really need to speak to him and come to terms with what you need and want out your relationship. Best wishes to both of you.

[Lady Girl]

Odis, I don't feel like we are experiments to our partners. They made and still make legitimate attempts to have a relationship with someone they love and who just happens to be in a different place than they are when it comes to sexuality. I think it's really important to remember that this isn't something we grow up knowing about.

[Sally]

Thank you, LG. My ex-partner certainly was not an experiment to me; he was (and is) the man I loved for almost 40 years.

From puberty, sexuals have the advantage of communication among their friends about sex, and have their sexual feelings validated in all sorts of ways. Asexuals are likely never to meet another asexual in their real lives. We may know how we feel, but we likely think our feelings are wrong, or bad, or evidence of abnormality. Thus, we go into relationships trying very hard to be "normal", and hoping it works. Most often, it doesn't. That hurts us at least as much as it hurts our sexual partners.

[Guest]

Indeed, partners of asexuals who haven't discovered themselves are not experiments. There are MANY reasons an asexual may not quite grasp the full meaning behind their less enthusiastic attitude towards sex. I mean, my entire life my mother told me (from the time I was like 9) "sex is just something women have to do when with a man, they don't like it, they just have to do it" - my Grandmother backed her up on that and my brother's GF said "I don't like it much, just once a month or so to get myself off". So, I was like "hey, not liking sex much is just a girl thing". Then I got into college and girls were into sex, but then other girls were calling them names for it, so maybe that's not so normal. Etc etc etc...

[Touchofinsight]

If he wasn't enjoying sex and then consciously said that he was enjoying sex and that he found her sexually attractive, then yes it is a lie. He can have good intentions to lie about it but that doesn't change the reality. I think some people here are trying to give him an out because they share the label asexual.

I can understand his point of view of wanting to avoid conflict but as you can see avoiding conflict in the relationship can cause major issues.

[Lady Girl]

It's pointless to say he lied when he probably wasn't lying...it's possible he did enjoy certain aspects of it, but doesn't desire it. Insisting that it's a lie helps even less then his efforts to avoid conflict.

I think if anyone tries to give him an out, it's because they understand that asexual partners often don't know why the experience isn't as complete or fulfilling for them as it is for the sexual in the relationship.

[Guest]

If he wasn't enjoying sex and then consciously said that he was enjoying sex and that he found her sexually attractive, then yes it is a lie. He can have good intentions to lie about it but that doesn't change the reality. I think some people here are trying to give him an out because they share the label asexual.

I can understand his point of view of wanting to avoid conflict but as you can see avoiding conflict in the relationship can cause major issues.

Or... he did enjoy parts of it and confused enjoying being close, or touch with enjoying the act of sex. When I was 15, I had sex with my boyfriend. I enjoyed ANY touch he gave me, no matter how large or how small. That euphoria at the honeymoon phase completely masked my disinterest in sex, because I didn't CARE what we were doing, I enjoyed anything that had to do with him. Though, as time wore on and that faded, the fact sex is boring to me became obvious. After that first relationship, I could then go into the next ones with the understanding enjoying activities I dislike only lasts so long, after the chemical rush that is involved in a new relationship dies so really does my interest in watching dumb movies, playing games that don't interest me normally and sex. I can enjoy sex, in that honeymoon phase, even now... because I enjoy ANYTHING during that (even watching horribly boring sports). But I can rationally realize that now that I know and set the relationship expectations accordingly. I didn't have that knowledge when I was newer at dating, so if you had asked me when I was in that phase, I would have said yes I enjoy sex (though I still never felt desire/orgasm/physical pleasure). It wouldn't have been a lie, just a not quite understanding my own feelings and how they function in relation to being with someone I love, or what enjoying sex really meant to sexuals.

If he says it wasn't a lie, I wouldn't say it was, especially without hearing his side of the story completely. It's really confusing sometimes to sort all your feelings, especially if you aren't experienced in relationships.