Asexual/Sexual Relationship: Why is it unfair?

[kitkats]

Alright so I am in a relationship with an asexual person (I am sexual, and new to this kind of stuff) and she told me she felt like being in the relationship was unfair to me because I am sexual. I have absolutely no problem with her being asexual, I kind of appreciate it really because it takes that pressure off of the relationship. That's not to say i don't have the desire to do things and stuff but she doesn't and so i don't want to do anything that she isn't okay with (if that makes sense, im never sure how much sense im making).

I tried explaining to her that it wasn't unfair to me and that it wasn't even something I thought was an issue. That it wasnt even something i thought about (the fact that she didnt/doesnt want to do anything that is). But for some reason she still feels like it's not fair to me.

Could anyone help explain why she might feel like this and how I can help show her that it isnt a problem???

thanks

[trewdys]

It may be the case that the two of you have differing opinions because you are not on the same page in terms of understanding what a mixed relationship entails.

In the event that after extensive discussion she still thinks the relationship is unfair you should remind her that "sexual" is just another label like "asexual", and she should see you as an individual, and that your own happiness is yours to define, so if you are satisfied with a mixed relationship she should stop worrying.

[Empty Chairs & Tables]

Let me first say, welcome to AVEN! I hope you find the answers to your questions here.

From what you said, I feel very similarly to your girlfriend. I am in a relationship with someone who is sexual and I am asexual. I have nothing against sex and honestly do not mind having it fairly regularly, but I do not desire it and really do not get much out of it. Primarily, I enjoy the closeness of it, but that is about it. I definitely feel that that is unfair to my SO (who has told me a) it is not and b) it is his choice to be in a relationship with me). Why do I feel that it is unfair to him? I guess mostly because I feel that sex is something that couples should be on the same page about and enjoy together. So I feel that our relationship lacks something that it should have, at least for him. Too, I keep thinking that he could easily find someone else who would be more compatible with him, sexually. For me it seems to boil down to a compatibility issue, which while no one's fault (we each are who we are), for whatever reason seems less fair to the sexual partner. Now if I were repulsed by sex, which I personally am not, it would be totally unfair to expect me to have sex at all with a partner. So I totally get what your girlfriend is thinking/feeling about it being unfair to you. I do not know how common that is among other asexuals in mixed relationships, but it is definitely true for/of me.

As to your question about how to reassure her that it is not a problem, I do not have much advice. I do have to keep reminding myself that my SO is in a relationship with me by his choice and that he has chosen to be with me in spite of our differences sexually and he is happy in the relationship. This often helps me, so telling her that on occasion might help reassure her. Sometimes, though, there really is nothing he can say or do that reassures me that our relationship is the best thing for him/that there is not someone better for him out there. During those times... well... I guess the same things apply; make sure she knows she is cared for, that you are in the relationship willingly, and that you are happy being with her.

I am not sure if there is anything else I can say, but if you have questions, feel free to PM me.

In the event that after extensive discussion she still thinks the relationship is unfair you should remind her that "sexual" is just another label like "asexual", and she should see you as an individual, and that your own happiness is yours to define, so if you are satisfied with a mixed relationship she should stop worrying.

This is so very true, but so very hard to put into practice (at least for me).

[BJvirgin]

I'm new to this and have a lot to learn. However I do have experience with a 30 year relationship. Things can work if both are being very honest. Where it won't work, long term, is if either or both of you secretly are unhappy with the situation right now. You cannot pretend you are happy with something forever.

The problem with judgement is that it becomes impaired with emotion. It becomes very difficult to know if something is OK, or just OK for now. When the novelty wears off, will it be OK.

In my case we started off with a bi difference in needs, but we were in love. She probably gave a bit more than she really wanted. I was happy with less than I thought was ideal. But over time that changed. She grew tired of giving extra, and I grew tired on not having enough. That's why I'm here now, trying to understand what has happened and what to do now. However even though there's problems, we still love each other, and I have never ever felt regretful.

In your case I suspect she worries about the future. It's OK for you now, but what about next year, 5 years, etc.

[Empty Chairs & Tables]

In your case I suspect she worries about the future. It's OK for you now, but what about next year, 5 years, etc.

Exactly. Or at least that is a big part of it for me, as well as just feeling like I am not giving enough to the relationship.

[kitkats]

Thanks to all of you!!! We talked and cleared some stuff up. I feel like I understand a bit better how she is feeling now. I can't necessarily make her feel like it will never be a problem because neither of us can tell the future but we have talked about it and so if is an issue again i m sure we will talk about it then and yeah just thanks to all of you!