Being a repulsed-A and stuff

[Hiraeth]

I really wish I wasn't.

I really wish I could become aware of sexual energy in my surroundings in the same way as I would become aware of anything else in my surroundings that I'm not interested in - simple awareness, without a knee-jerking reaction accompanying a mental storyline of "sex is everywhere and you should be sexual too/you're going to become like everyone else sooner or later/etc etc lies that I've been fed growing up" and then god forbid sometimes an anxiety attack or worse. I wish I didn't feel threatened by the existence of sexual energy in the world. Just because most people are sexual doesn't mean that I can't be. Just because most people enjoy sex doesn't mean that you must or that it's a requirement of being human. Just because you're a bit different from most people doesn't mean you're not perfectly valid as you are. Why can't I get that into me? When can I ever, if I can ever.... not have those kind of reactions anymore?

Because I feel really bad for having them. I feel like it's disrespectful to sexual people, even though I know that it's not about them being sexual in and of itself, but mostly about my own internal stuff and larger societal perceptions that I am actively working towards unlearning. But it's hard work.

Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly okay and valid to feel repulsed, to me it's a natural response to having something that feels unnatural being forced into my being. But that was when I was younger and less confident in myself. Now I know who I am and I am not as eager to give in to or accept peer pressure as I used to be. So, it is possible for me to start letting all of that go.... right?

//late night rant after overhearing roommate having sex

[Amalgam]

But if your repulsion is a part of who you are, then you shouldn't try/ force yourself to "let it go." Be yourself. Grow as you will. And if you're meant to not be repulsed sometime in your life, then that will happen if due time.

But at the same time, I can relate to your rant. Weeks ago, my suitemate and her friend with benefits decided to take a shower together. Though I wanted to brush my teeth and there was a non-see through shower curtain, I didn't feel comfortable entering the bathroom. I would have waited until they were all done, but then I heard some... sounds and I had to knock on the door and tell them to wrap it up. I felt horroble about it- still do.

But I think we have to accept ourselves and our feelings as they are. Else, we just make ourselves feel worse in a world that doesn't make us feel good about ourselves in the first place.

[Arf]

Both of you sound as if you could use some setting boundaries with your roommates. I would feel uncomfortable if my roommate was having a shower with some guy while I was around and Kirien, I hope your roommate wasn't having sex with you in the room! I don't mean to sound dismissive of your repulsion—certainly it is worse because you guys are aces—but I think many people, sexual or not, would be squicked out by these situations.