Ugggggh. dating a sexual man

[Grayd Ace]

I'm Ace, probably more gray A but still.

I've been dating my best friend for a year now. And he knows about me being ace and is 'fine' with it, but now and then he says something like, "I'm sexually attracted to you and I know we'll eventually have sex, even if it's ten years from now."

I have told him time and again that no, we will not have sex. Ever.

Yet he keeps popping that crud out now and then. It drives me crazy. Seems he thinks that it's just a phase or something. I really don't know. But he'll always precede saying that with, "I know we'll never have sex and I'm fine with that." Well no, you're NOT fine with that, else you'd not say we'll have sex at some point.

He's totally stringing himself along and I KNOW if I DID go through with it just to show him how dull I'd be - seriously, I'd be a log. I get no enjoyment out of the sex crap, find it a waste of time and disgusting totally - he'd just dislike me and/or think something is wrong with him or give me a guilt trip of some sort.

He's 56 and I'm 39 if that helps. I'm female.

it's just WHY WON'T HE LISTEN TO ME? It will NEVER happen. What do I do to get this across to him once and for all? He's known this about me for AGES now. I even made sure to remind him when I decided to be his girlfriend. I made it perfectly clear.

[AlineDaryen]

Maybe it's a vent for him? Or it could be meant as a joke, like he knows how it really is and he's teasing you in a fond way, not realising you see it as a kind of pressure. Anyway, if you don't like it, tell him.

[Grayd Ace]

No, he's dead serious when he says it. I've been best friends with him since 2006. I'm just going to have to have 'the talk' with him again, I suppose. He has to stop thinking the deed will happen at any time. It will not. It just will not.

I hate that he's giving himself false hopes. I definitely do nothing to give him false hopes. I'm not really the cuddling type or the touchy type so it's not like I'm pushing up on him or anything that would make him think I crave that from him. Ugh. Just the thought is gross. I'd offer to um.... give him a hand if it was that bad for him not getting anything but even that thought sicks me out. I hate hearing moans and just.. ugh. gag.

[SisterKate]

Yes-- that sounds very irritating. I think you're fortunate to find someone who at least can decide cerebrally that he is okay with no sex, but I can see how those comments would get to you. Maybe tell him that every time he says that it makes you see how much sex means to him, and that worries you. Because you are genuinely uncomfortable with the idea.

[Grayd Ace]

Definitely. It's like he's giving me two stories: one side claims to be fine and accepting that we'll never have sex.

The other side is like 'nope, at some point we WILL."

Uh. No. just no. All of my no. Like I said, I'll have to have 'the talk' with him again. I'm ace. I do not have sex. I won't for any reason. That is just me. Enjoy me for me, or just... let's stop seeing each other.

[Kangaraa]

I don't think it's rude to tell him to stop saying it. Obviously you need to explain the why, that it makes you feel like he doesn't understand and that maybe he has false expectations in this relationship. It's not wrong to say it hurts you when he says it.

I think that there should be boundaries in all relationships and there should be some things that once said shouldn't be said again unless things change (which seems here haven't). They should respect it and if not well, either you learn to live with it or you don't.

I say talk to him, be completely honest and really let him know how you feel and try and find out if this is some deeper issue that he just doesn't know how to express (like say his sexually frustrated). If so, talk about what the cause (why he says it) and hopefully it will fix the symptom (that he does say it).

I'm a huge believer in really communication (not just talking and listening, but actually understanding) can get you through a lot of problems. I wouldn't let the conversation drop and I wouldn't let him answer with what sounds like his stock replies. Really try and find out what's going on.

Maybe the side that claims is fine is the lie which he says to make you feel better or because he thinks it's what he is meant to say. It's sad when that happens personally, never say anything you don't believe.

[Qutenkuddly]

This thread has been moved to Asexual Relationships.

Qutenkuddly,

Asexual Musings and Rantings Moderator

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I don't think he see it as being asexual is a phase, but more like, everything will take the "natural order" at some point, which is having sex (for him), I believe him when he says he's ok with not having sex now, I mean NOW . If I was you I would do same he does, ignoring the things, "he ignores when I say we are not going to have sex, I ignore when he says we are so going to do it" and things will lead to what they have, accepting that things will never change and enjoy it or move on.

[Philip027]

I know we'll eventually have sex

I know we'll never have sex

wut

[Guest]

My boyfriend is sorta the same. I told him I WILL NEVER enjoy sex, have never and do it solely to please him. He knows this, mentally. He doesn't like it, but he knows it. However, he in some part of his brain thinks that'll change. I tell him it won't, he says "I know you don't really like sex..." but then he does things like "try to please me" and I am just like *sigh*. I think there is certainly something between some sexuals fully grasping it, at least on an emotional/unconscious level, so they keep saying/doing things that make what they say most the time a falsehood. Even if on a totally conscious level, when they think about it, they know we're not gonna change and we can tell them til we are blue in the face.

Have the talk with him again, tell him how you feel. But, try to not be too angry with him if he doesn't stop saying it. As long as he doesn't push you to actually have sex.

[thylacine]

Maybe you just shouldn't date him? It's too much for him to deal with. You're A and he can't cope. Tell him that, "You just can't cope with this. You can't deal with this. It's just too much for you. Bye."

[Lady Girl]

Most of the time, we can be ok with knowing and understanding that you don't want to have sex. There are times though when we still hope that you will want to do it for purposes of a relationship connection. We feel connected to people we have sex. It may be our favorite way to relate and communicate nonverbally with our partner.

Anyway, I don't think he should only be told once and that's it, that since he's been told , now his hopes and backburner dreams are going to go away. I personally think that when the sexual inclinations are so far apart, it might have to be talked about on a regular basis (NOT daily, but maybe monthly, it depends I guess). It doesn't mean he's inconsiderate that he keeps saying things, I think it means he still hopes for sex with you, and I don't think it means he's a jerk. He hopes for consent on your part, I think that's why he keeps saying he knows it will never happen.

I would say talk about it again, and be open to talking about it once in awhile.

[a_friend]

You don't like to cuddle or touch even? Isn't that aromantic?

Ag, I wish I had advice to give but I guess I'm just too different in terms of personality. Even if there's something that in itself grosses me out to do or will not enjoy, I still enjoy doing it once out of the spirit of adventure. Let alone the fact that it's something that someone else would get great joy out of. To me every relationship is a compromise, and if I planned to be with someone for 20+ years forcing them to do deal with my adverse sexuality, then the least I would do is let them have it their way just once so they can have it off their bucket list and die with peace (although I know it's not a desire that ever goes away, having the experience once is at least something).

And I'm not trying to offend here, I'm just explaining my own personality >.<

[The Great WTF]

You don't like to cuddle or touch even? Isn't that aromantic?

No. Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

[Touchofinsight]

Maybe you just shouldn't date him? It's too much for him to deal with. You're A and he can't cope. Tell him that, "You just can't cope with this. You can't deal with this. It's just too much for you. Bye."

That is honestly what I was thinking, you can only sit down with him so many times and tell him, he either believes you or not. Perhaps some part of his subconscious mind is just hoping for it (perhaps in the context of: "This relationship is perfect, except for this one thing..."). Which in that case it isn't perfect and he should just break up with you if its that big of a deal. I think what others said about hes okay with that for "NOW" is whats happening here. I guess you could say he isn't respecting the idea that it is possible that you two will never have sex and hes clinging on to that as a form of potential progress. In order to not have to deal with a great deal of potential resentment I'd end things now personally. You could always take gradual steps to see if things change like telling him straight up about how you feel, which would be the most constructive thing to do.

Literally tell him, when you say you are okay without having sex with me at one moment, and then the next saying we'll have sex some day, it really bothers me because of x, y, and Z, reasons.

Best of luck

Touch!

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

I really wonder what it means to be aromantic when I see something like this.

With the way I work, I'm almost certain I'd be able to be in a relationship with one of these cuddly and touchy-feely aromantics, and they wouldn't even feel that it's a "romantic relationship", while I would. :lol:

[The Great WTF]

Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

I really wonder what it means to be aromantic when I see something like this.

With the way I work, I'm almost certain I'd be able to be in a relationship with one of these cuddly and touchy-feely aromantics, and they wouldn't even feel that it's a "romantic relationship", while I would. :lol:

It's just like love and sex. Some people consider cuddling and touching romantic and a part of a romantic relationship, while others don't. I fall into the non-relationship camp, since I tend to cuddle with my friends a lot more than my partner and don't really see a romantic aspect to cuddling. It's just one of those things that come naturally in my group. <.< Granted, that may simply be because it's very hard to cuddle while beating the tar out of each other on Mortal Kombat.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

I really wonder what it means to be aromantic when I see something like this.

With the way I work, I'm almost certain I'd be able to be in a relationship with one of these cuddly and touchy-feely aromantics, and they wouldn't even feel that it's a "romantic relationship", while I would. :lol:

It's just like love and sex. Some people consider cuddling and touching romantic and a part of a romantic relationship, while others don't. I fall into the non-relationship camp, since I tend to cuddle with my friends a lot more than my partner and don't really see a romantic aspect to cuddling.

Makes sense. It's interesting though. When I look at that, I'm pretty sure I could have a strong cuddly friendship like that with an aro girl and actually feel "romantically" satisfied by it, as if it was something that I'd call a "romantic friendship" I suppose. The difference is pretty much all in my head, since I don't desire any of the clichéd stuff that often comes packaged with "romance" for people. Just being intellectually and emotionally close, and sharing cuddles and other such forms of nonsexual physical affection would basically satisfy the "romantic drive" in my head.

I do wonder how that would work out actually. So far I've had the opposite combination in my past relationships: girls who were too romantic, in the cliché clingy traditional expectations way.

[Sally]

I'm ace. I do not have sex. I won't for any reason. That is just me. Enjoy me for me, or just... let's stop seeing each other.

That's exactly what to tell him.

[Lady Girl]

...you can only sit down with him so many times and tell him, he either believes you or not. Perhaps some part of his subconscious mind is just hoping for it (perhaps in the context of: "This relationship is perfect, except for this one thing..."). Which in that case it isn't perfect and he should just break up with you if its that big of a deal. I think what others said about hes okay with that for "NOW" is whats happening here. I guess you could say he isn't respecting the idea that it is possible that you two will never have sex and hes clinging on to that as a form of potential progress. In order to not have to deal with a great deal of potential resentment I'd end things now personally.

I think your boyfriend believes you (but that's just my opinion...I believe my husband doesn't desire sex, and yet because I still do desire it with him and say so, it doesn't mean I don't believe him or that I disrespect him). I think a person can be ok with the relationship lacking something they desire for the most part, I also believe there can be moments when it is hard for the sexual partner to handle, and it's at these times the asexual partner gets to show some understanding. The desire never goes away and it's not necessarily a question of progress or lack of respect. It's more about how much each person is willing to realize differing desires and then show some understanding, possibly repeatedly. The more understanding there is by both, the less chance there is of resentment.

It might not hurt for you to talk to him about both of you expressing yourselves as clearly as possible. If you want to stay with him, I suggest being open to the idea of accepting the fact that just as much as you will never desire sex, he will likely never not desire it, which means talking about it more than once.

[Sally]

[it might not hurt for you to talk to him about both of you expressing yourselves as clearly as possible. If you want to stay with him, I suggest being open to the idea of accepting the fact that just as much as you will never desire sex, he will likely never not desire it, which means talking about it more than once.

But she already knows he'd like to have sex. He knows that she doesn't. What is the point of him continually bringing it up, especially since it irritates her (which he must know)? Wouldn't it be better for the relationship to just accept that they have this difference?

[Lady Girl]

[it might not hurt for you to talk to him about both of you expressing yourselves as clearly as possible. If you want to stay with him, I suggest being open to the idea of accepting the fact that just as much as you will never desire sex, he will likely never not desire it, which means talking about it more than once.

But she already knows he'd like to have sex. He knows that she doesn't. What is the point of him continually bringing it up, especially since it irritates her (which he must know)? Wouldn't it be better for the relationship to just accept that they have this difference?

It might be, it might not. For us, it gives me the chance to express my desire at least verbally, even if I don't get to the way I would like physically. It gives him the chance to reiterate that he loves me so much, and he's sorry that this isn't something we have in common. And yes, then I'm sorry for making him feel sorry about it. It's good for our relationship in that we ultimately and repeatedly express our concern for the other's feelings. It may not be the easiest way to relate, but it's one way that we do.

[Sally]

[it might not hurt for you to talk to him about both of you expressing yourselves as clearly as possible. If you want to stay with him, I suggest being open to the idea of accepting the fact that just as much as you will never desire sex, he will likely never not desire it, which means talking about it more than once.

But she already knows he'd like to have sex. He knows that she doesn't. What is the point of him continually bringing it up, especially since it irritates her (which he must know)? Wouldn't it be better for the relationship to just accept that they have this difference?

It might be, it might not. For us, it gives me the chance to express my desire at least verbally, even if I don't get to the way I would like physically. It gives him the chance to reiterate that he loves me so much, and he's sorry that this isn't something we have in common. And yes, then I'm sorry for making him feel sorry about it. It's good for our relationship in that we ultimately and repeatedly express our concern for the other's feelings. It may not be the easiest way to relate, but it's one way that we do

I can understand that the outcome for you and Mr. LG is good, because it enables you each to express concern for the other's feelings. But if the "transaction" doesn't result in that outcome, but simply causes the asexual to feel both guilty and irritated because the sexual partner feels deprived, it isn't helpful for the relationship.

[Lady Girl]

[it might not hurt for you to talk to him about both of you expressing yourselves as clearly as possible. If you want to stay with him, I suggest being open to the idea of accepting the fact that just as much as you will never desire sex, he will likely never not desire it, which means talking about it more than once.

But she already knows he'd like to have sex. He knows that she doesn't. What is the point of him continually bringing it up, especially since it irritates her (which he must know)? Wouldn't it be better for the relationship to just accept that they have this difference?

It might be, it might not. For us, it gives me the chance to express my desire at least verbally, even if I don't get to the way I would like physically. It gives him the chance to reiterate that he loves me so much, and he's sorry that this isn't something we have in common. And yes, then I'm sorry for making him feel sorry about it. It's good for our relationship in that we ultimately and repeatedly express our concern for the other's feelings. It may not be the easiest way to relate, but it's one way that we do

I can understand that the outcome for you and Mr. LG is good, because it enables you each to express concern for the other's feelings. But if the "transaction" doesn't result in that outcome, but simply causes the asexual to feel both guilty and irritated because the sexual partner feels deprived, it isn't helpful for the relationship.

Well, for the most part anyway. I do feel it causes him to feel guilty and irritated, and for that reason I wish I could curb my desire and stop my subsequent verbilization of it.

[Guest]

For us, it gives me the chance to express my desire at least verbally, even if I don't get to the way I would like physically. It gives him the chance to reiterate that he loves me so much, and he's sorry that this isn't something we have in common. And yes, then I'm sorry for making him feel sorry about it. It's good for our relationship in that we ultimately and repeatedly express our concern for the other's feelings. It may not be the easiest way to relate, but it's one way that we do.

Just chiming in to say I find this a truly beautiful way of communicating your love for each other, even if it's one tinged with a dash of sadness.

*sneaks out of the thread again*

[a_friend]

You don't like to cuddle or touch even? Isn't that aromantic?

No. Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

squares are rectangles but rectangles are not square.

By that I mean, I understand when you say you can cuddle without being romantic.

What I DON'T understand is how you could possibly identify as romantic if you don't even like to cuddle or touch in any way shape or form.

[Significant Form]

You don't like to cuddle or touch even? Isn't that aromantic?

No. Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

squares are rectangles but rectangles are not square.

By that I mean, I understand when you say you can cuddle without being romantic.

What I DON'T understand is how you could possibly identify as romantic if you don't even like to cuddle or touch in any way shape or form.

Orientation =/= behavior. One is romantic if one feels romantic attraction, no other criteria necessary.

[Guest]

You don't like to cuddle or touch even? Isn't that aromantic?

No. Aromantics can be as cuddly and touchy as any other person. They are just not romantically attracted to people and in general don't desire romantic relationships.

squares are rectangles but rectangles are not square.

By that I mean, I understand when you say you can cuddle without being romantic.

What I DON'T understand is how you could possibly identify as romantic if you don't even like to cuddle or touch in any way shape or form.

Romance to you and romance to someone else will differ. Most sexuals for example don't understand how you can be romantic and not want sex. Same thing. My cousin is anti-touch, he can't even receive a massage if he is sore he is so bothered by being touched, even by his wife. But, he is also sexual and heteroromantic. He loves his wife. He just dislikes cuddling / touching in most forms. He likes sex though, but I imagine it is rather impersonal since his aversion to touch would make a lot of sex acts impossible... I don't have a good enough relationship there to ask how that works, he still thinks of me as a kid (even though I am 26!) Lol.

[Guest]

My cousin is anti-touch, he can't even receive a massage if he is sore he is so bothered by being touched, even by his wife. But, he is also sexual and heteroromantic. He loves his wife. He just dislikes cuddling / touching in most forms. He likes sex though, but I imagine it is rather impersonal since his aversion to touch would make a lot of sex acts impossible... I don't have a good enough relationship there to ask how that works, he still thinks of me as a kid (even though I am 26!) Lol.

Sounds complicated, I don't envy him. :( Then again, it's a case in point of what I've believed all along - sensual attraction/desire is another discrete category independent of both romance and sexuality, and I'm glad the AVEN wiki lists it as such, because it makes total sense to me.

[txviking]

<snip>

it's just WHY WON'T HE LISTEN TO ME? It will NEVER happen. What do I do to get this across to him once and for all? He's known this about me for AGES now. I even made sure to remind him when I decided to be his girlfriend. I made it perfectly clear.

Sadly, I've learned the hard way that making it totally clear doesn't work. I made the same thing totally clear to my girlfriend. We discussed it again when we got engaged. We discussed it again when we got married. But she apparently secretly thought all along that I just "needed some time". Now she's found a boyfriend and wants a divorce.

Maybe it was just naïve of me to think it could work. I think I'll strictly limit any future dating to other asexuals.

But yeah, talking about it apparently doesn't work.