When enough is enough

[Lady Girl]

I think it's really hard to know if either person is being more selfish than the other (it's always going to feel like the other one is!). One of the big issues seems to be, if we aren't being intimate than I am insisting on talking about it. I have noticed that this takes away from just living and being with my husband. The more I feel inclined to say things to him about what we can and should do to make things better, the less time there is for any of that to even happen. It also interferes with opportunities for him to show me affection in his own way. I get the impression that asexuals feel a ton of pressure from their sexual partners (even if we want to believe we aren't pressuring them), which totally drives them in the other direction.

[homosapien15]

As a female asexual in a mixed relationship, I have really *enjoyed?* reading your perspectives.

Together, you've all seemed to describe actions I have noticed myself taking and can understand how he must feel about it... We haven't been spending much time together (partly because we both have exams) but I am hesitant to hang out knowing that he will want to do more, and to be honest I am a little scared. In the past I haven't been able to say no because he has gone to so much effort (surprising me with a rose and teddy bear) that we have gone further than I would have liked. Looking back on it I feel used and completely disgusting and I think that is preventing me from wanting to actually spend time with him...

But I don't really know where to go from here, because I really care about him but I just can't see myself satisfying all his needs! And lately I have been pondering that cliché "if you love them you'll let them go" and contemplating breaking up so that he doesn't feel trapped in something that is hurting us both...

I wonder if this explains what happened with us. She barely hangs out with me. We also have school and work, but even so, there's more than enough time in a week. The difference is I haven't asked, nor had any sexual activity for a couple months. She says kissing and hugging are ok, and we don't kiss with tongue, but I don't ask for anything else.

@LadyGhoul

You hit on the other issue I was having. When I try to talk about the issue, because it's new and hard to understand still, she pulls away even more.

It's just a losing battle for me so far, and that's why I've been on break. Every night is terrible, and I barely sleep anymore. I get the same impression as you, that she feels a lot of pressure from me, but I'm asking for highly structured time together. Playing games with the family, grabbing food at a restaurant, and hanging out with friends. No situation where we'd be alone, or where we would be able to engage in anything. It doesn't matter though. So, I sit here more or less single, and hope for the day I get over it and move on, or somehow reconcile my thoughts with her identity.

[princesspeach]

I think it's really hard because even if you genuinely aren't thinking about it or asking for anything more, we just assume you are... If that makes sense.

It sucks that you haven't been sleeping... No one should be unhappy, which is why a break is probably the best thing

[homosapien15]

Yeah that makes sense. It just goes back to that age old saying about making assumptions...

It's sort of funny, but the issue isn't even asexuality anymore. It's about communication and honesty. That's where I felt let down. I would imagine that's not far from the case with others. Not having sex is hard if you're sexual, but it's not as hard if you know it's not you.

[Guest]

Yeah that makes sense. It just goes back to that age old saying about making assumptions...

It's sort of funny, but the issue isn't even asexuality anymore. It's about communication and honesty. That's where I felt let down. I would imagine that's not far from the case with others. Not having sex is hard if you're sexual, but it's not as hard if you know it's not you.

That is why when people ask us for advice, the #1 thing we say is communication, communication. If both parties aren't willing to be open, honest and discuss even the uncomfortable stuff in gory detail, there is little hope of a mixed relationship working out. :( She may still be confused, but if so, she should just tell you "I am still trying to figure myself out, I will let you know the answer when I know it myself".

[PlayfulSadism]

I don't want to speak for Playful here, but I know that doing those extra things wasn't so much sexual, as I guess to maintain a feeling of being attractive to her? I don't know, I can express my love for her with words and the like, but at the end of the day, I'm a very physical person. To me, actions speak louder than words. Me taking the time, and making the efforts to surprise her, are me trying to reach her on a quasi-physical level.

Unfortunately, I don't know that she is honest and direct about everything as you seem to be Liara. I keep finding myself asking her if this and that is ok, if it makes her uncomfortable, etc, and then she gets really irritated with me for asking. I really don't know her limits though. I don't know if saying she's beautiful will carry the same sexual connotation (as well as other aspects) for her, or if she's ok with me still being attracted to her.

To clarify, yes, Homosapiens was correct. I'm not doing it to get more sex. I'm doing it to replace the comfort and security that I used to get from knowing that my partner was sexually satisfied with me.

Right now I'm locked in an uncomfortable place where I have no idea why she wants to be in this relationship with me. I don't receive any feedback from her with regard to the non-sexual parts of our relationship, and my extra efforts to be romantic or sweet haven't borne any fruit, either.

There's this sick feeling I have that the only reason she's bothering with me is because I'm the first person to be accepting of her asexuality.

I'm hoping that there's more to it than that, but I'm afraid to ask. Firstly, because the question in and of itself is very uncharitable, and secondly because I'm afraid that the answer she gives won't be satisfying. I have aspects that I'm proud of and want people to notice and appreciate, and I couldn't continue in any romantic or platonic relationship where those things weren't important to the other person in some capacity.

Also, I'm experiencing a similar roadblock to your issue of not being able to communicate your appreciation to her. My comments on her appearance or dress obviously don't mean as much to her as they would to a sexual person, and I'm looking for a way to make her feel special and appreciated that doesn't make her uncomfortable.

As far as her getting annoyed with the 20 Questions routine, that I can understand. It's not an easy thing to talk about, especially if she feels like she has to justify the way she is. The best you can do is to ask for her patience and explain that the more you know, the better you can respond to her needs and the easier it will be for you to cope with your own.

[homosapien15]

Yep, I don't understand it either. She still wants the same relationship we've always had, but while an end to the physical relationship may be a welcome relief to her, I have lost a huge connection to her.

I also feel that, perhaps, familiarity is why she stays. Where else are you going to find a 22 year old guy that stays despite having basically no sex for 6 months? Just hang in there, I know I've been trying to get out with my guy friends a lot more often and just completely ignore all things women.

For now, it's helping.

[Guest]

Hmm. Playful, if you want to know what parts of the relationship she likes, you could phrase it in a way the question wouldn't be painful. Explain to her that you want to increase the connection you two have and make the relationship better for BOTH of you, so you would like to know what romantic aspects of the relationship she really, truly enjoys. If you explain that sex to you is a very big bonding activity and since that is off the table in that way for her, which you are OK with, you would like to enhance the other things. I can't see how she could get offended at that. I would love if my boyfriend found some way other than sex to spend time with me in a romantic sense. As long as you make it clear you aren't criticizing / complaining and are just asking because you want to do things she enjoys that you also will feel closer to her for. And make it super clear you are not trying to get sex, in case she is scared of that.

As for what compliments an asexual likes, just because we don't like sex doesn't mean we don't like knowing our partner finds us attractive. Of course it varies by person. Just don't use the terms "sexy" etc, just say she looks beautiful. Compliment her clothing, or her hair, not her body. Compliment a part of her personality you really love, rather than her curves. It's not about feeling sexually attractive, so I really just roll my eyes when my boyfriend tells me what I am wearing just makes him want to "do me", or that I look good enough to eat, etc. But, innocent compliments are still appreciated. :)

[HopelesslyinLove]

I have read through the posts on this thread tonight, and I want to thank each one of you for your perspectives. It has helped me so much at this very hour of this very day as I struggle with what to do with my life. I've never understood how I was putting pressure on my asexual/demi partner in non direct ways. I guess, the best solution to reestablishing both the emotional and sexual connection we have lost is by just being myself because that is who she fell in love with and has continued to want to be with. When I try to overcompensate to in an attempt to regain the connections that I so desperately want/need right now, I always end up without and seemingly in a situation where things are worse. You have given me much to think about. Thank you all!