Trying to Understand

[FIVE]

I'll get to the point:

My boyfriend of six months broke up suddenly broke up with me overnight and in the morning, claimed he was 'asexual.'

We had been in love for a long time. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone younger than I was, but for months before we dated he did everything in his power to proved he wanted me. So I fell into it and I fell hard, because he was sensitive and sweet and unlike any person I had ever dated. I had been in an abusive sexual relationship and his "sensitivity" towards sex was a relief.

But over time I noticed signs - why didn't he ever initiate sex with me? He has had relationships with women before - is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I unattractive? It made me feel terrible about myself, my body, and honestly - my womanhood.

'm glad this community exists, because the more I read the more sense it makes. I would flaunt myself for him and I never received any sexual attention. I could never tell if he was hard or not I would ask him questions like - "what is your favorite part of my body" or "who is your celebrity crush" and I never got answers. He seemed guilty after sex, wanting to please me more than please himself. I would touch him and he would not respond. But I also knew he put his gay male friends on a pedestal, and he did enjoy oral sex. He is also very young, and I'm unsure if he's just questioned his sexuality or just started repressing it by having girlfriends.

I guess I just wanted to tell my story and ask people here - when did you realize you were asexual? And how is it even possible to have sex if you're asexual? And if he really was asexual, would he talk to me about it and try to work it out other than just flat ending a love and understanding? I produce a television show about homosexuality - he knows I would understand anything he threw at me. Except for this. I just don't understand any of it.

[Nomad in Stasis]

As for when I realized that I was asexual, it was last year near the start of my school semester. In my Psychology class we discussed orientations and I knew that I had no sexual attraction toward any person regardless of sex or gender, so I asked my instructor and she pointed me the way to AVEN. I would say it is possible for many to have sex, though for some asexuals who are sex repulsed, it may be very hard. All asexuals are different and can compromise at different levels or perhaps non at all. I myself feel that I would be willing to compromise some if I were in a relationship with a sexual, though I would imagine the goal of it would be to please her as really there is no point in trying to please me as I have no libido.

[Lucinda]

Hi Five, :)

How old is he? You keep mentioning that he is very young.

He may not have realized how important sex might be for you until after getting into the relationship. You said he is very sensitive and he could have sensed that you felt terrible about yourself when he did not pursue sex like you may have wanted. He may have wanted a girlfriend, you, but not necessarily a sexual relationship. In deference to you and what you wanted, he decided to end the relationship??

I'm not sure what it means about him putting his gay male friends on a pedestal. Are you saying that you think he might be gay?

Lucinda

[Timothy P.]

damn it procrastinating writer i read her story then i see your charmander icon and i was completely distracted lol i love it btw but yes it is very hard for people to completely understand what its like to be asexual most people i know just shrug it off like its not a big deal but they dont understand. Some people that I have heard of hide their sexuality by saying they are asexual but with the world we live in not much has changed for people that are different and it can be hard to come out I haven't told my family that I'm asexual yet. For me I feel they might just be disappointed in me, but I still want to have kids of my own, but I can't compromise with sex, I really just rather not have it and live life, than to have it and make me feel uncomfortable. Well that's my opinion.

[Sally]

he knows I would understand anything he threw at me. Except for this. I just don't understand any of it.

He may realize that you wouldn't understand this -- because as you say, you don't. It's hard to tell someone something that they're not going to want to hear and that they won't understand.

[Naosuu]

Hmm, here's my 5 cents:

From around the forums, I've noticed some differing attitudes asexuals have towards sex and their partner:

• Obligation: They're super annoyed by it; wish they didn't have to do it; but do it anyway because they know it makes their partner happy. The, "Oh, alright, if it makes you happy..." attitude.
  
• Neutral: Understand that sex is needed in the relationship, but don't mind it. Most asexuals have this attitude when sex isn't too frequent for their liking. If it becomes too often, then the irritation shows.
  
• Guilty: Feel that, by virtue of being asexual, they can never truly "satisfy" their sexual partner. Therefore, they choose not to have relationships with a sexual.
  

Here's the problem with the "guilty" attitude: how do you know you're fulfilling your partner's needs without consulting them?

Personally, given that your boyfriend broke up with you and came out to you within a 24 hour period, it sounds like your boyfriend might fall under the guilty category. Maybe, coupled with Sally's input, that is why he hasn't spoken to you about this prior to making the decision.

The reality of the situation is this: from my impression, both of you are adults. On your behalf, I feel a little off-put by your boyfriend's actions. Yes, you may not have understood what being "asexual" means, but it's not just his relationship. It's both of your's. You're totally capable of making your own decisions, and whether the relationship should continue should have been discussed and decided by both of you.

If he hasn't closed contact and you still want to have a go, you can try opening up a dialogue about this. Maybe he can elaborate on his reasons and shed some light.

[Lady Girl]

I guess I just wanted to tell my story and ask people here - when did you realize you were asexual? And how is it even possible to have sex if you're asexual? And if he really was asexual, would he talk to me about it and try to work it out other than just flat ending a love and understanding? I produce a television show about homosexuality - he knows I would understand anything he threw at me. Except for this. I just don't understand any of it.

Hi, I'm going to tell my side (and his a little), since like Naosuu mentioned, it pretty much involves both of us. Mr. LG (my husband) realized he was asexual when I showed him AVEN about a month before our 25th anniversary. This was about a year and a half ago now. Of course we both knew for ages and ages, but we didn't know what it was called.

It's possible to have sex if you're asexual because you can still be aroused. This overview from the front page of AVEN is actually what I showed him when I found this site, it talks about that I think. I was so sad, because like you, I did notice that he didn't want to have sex (he could, but I knew something was different in regards to it for him).

It's not an easy thing to understand (not sure if you're talking about asexuality, or the fact that he broke up with you this way...either way, both are hard to grasp). Personally for me, living so close to it for so long really did help me understand (to an extent anyway), it explained a lot of things.

[Guest]

When did I find out? Well I always knew I was different in that. I never felt attraction, aesthetic or sexual. I pretended to be "normal" hoping I would get it one day but never did. Then I got into a relationship and after six years of pretending, I stopped being able to. I discussed with him I just didn't like sex and I felt little from it. Then i went to google and ended up on Aven.

How can you have sex? Well, our bodies are still healthy so able to perform. If we put our minds to it we can. For me, it is a bit harder since I am a non-libidoist as well as asexual. I dont feel sexual desires or needs at all. I do not even masturbate. I could go forever without sexual touches or sex from myself or anyone. But, I am still a romantic so need kisses / hugs / a relationship. My boyfriend is hyper sexual. He needs sex often. So for me it is kind of like doing the dishes, or mowing the lawn. Just a chore to do for our shared life.

Now, some asexuals do have libido (probably most) and some can enjoy it physically. They just feel no attraction towards partnered sex for themselves.

Your boyfriend probably felt like since sex is important to you he couldn't give you what you need. There are times I know my sexual abilities are inadequate and my boyfriend would be happier if I were sexual. But we compromise a lot. If I could not compromise as much I would probably not date sexuals, as I would feel guilty. It is emotionally difficult to keep a mixed relationship going. If you can talk to him and ask him why he broke up with you. He may be realizing his sexuality as a new thing and it is really confusing when you first find out. He should have discussed it with you, but he may have been doing what he felt was best for you. Only he knows the reasons.

[FIVE]

Just gonna point out... the subtitle of this thread sort of gives the wrong impression. Reading "How do asexuals live with themselves?" made me think you were asking a question in the vein of "How do child molesters live with themselves?" or "How do genocidal dictators live with themselves?"... or at the least, "How do cheaters live with themselves?" It definitely gave off an impression which I now realise was not your intent.

I did not mean it this way. I am a very, very supportive person. I am just so hurt and rejected at this point.

Hmm, here's my 5 cents:

From around the forums, I've noticed some differing attitudes asexuals have towards sex and their partner:

• Obligation: They're super annoyed by it; wish they didn't have to do it; but do it anyway because they know it makes their partner happy. The, "Oh, alright, if it makes you happy..." attitude.
  
• Neutral: Understand that sex is needed in the relationship, but don't mind it. Most asexuals have this attitude when sex isn't too frequent for their liking. If it becomes too often, then the irritation shows.
  
• Guilty: Feel that, by virtue of being asexual, they can never truly "satisfy" their sexual partner. Therefore, they choose not to have relationships with a sexual.
  

Here's the problem with the "guilty" attitude: how do you know you're fulfilling your partner's needs without consulting them?

Personally, given that your boyfriend broke up with you and came out to you within a 24 hour period, it sounds like your boyfriend might fall under the guilty category. Maybe, coupled with Sally's input, that is why he hasn't spoken to you about this prior to making the decision.

I really appreciate your reply. I do think there is something about him coming out to me within a 24 hour period of ending our relationship, a relationship I never wanted in the first place. He is 22, and I am 26 - we have both been through significant relationships. But at this point I think he lacks the maturity to make a decision about what he wants in life whereas I have spent years in therepy and with medication to get over my sexual issues. I feel terrible that I forced him to have sex, I feel ugly because he was never attracted to me. I feel lied to and embarrassed to have let this person into my life - a person who was never honest with me. And then I want to help him, not "fix him," but I am not sure he would let me back into his life.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

I actually think talking to him about this in more detail would be best. Asexual or not, it was fairly insensitive to just ditch you like that without discussing why he wanted to do it first. Ask him how he personally feels and what you could do to help him deal with all of it, and make sure that you get as much out of him as you can so that you CAN understand him - none of the people here can actually speak for him. Only he can say how he feels, and only he can give you the information you need to help you understand him better.

Having said that, if he IS asexual, then he isn't trying to insult you or put you down on purpose. If he honestly is asexual, then wouldn't it be lying for him to pretend to be interested in sex? If he doesn't feel sexual attraction towards ANYONE, then is it really a personal insult if he doesn't find you attractive? Again, it's something to discuss with him.

[FIVE]

I actually think talking to him about this in more detail would be best. Asexual or not, it was fairly insensitive to just ditch you like that without discussing why he wanted to do it first. Ask him how he personally feels and what you could do to help him deal with all of it, and make sure that you get as much out of him as you can so that you CAN understand him - none of the people here can actually speak for him.

Thank you. I am trying, but I am getting very little from him other than "I'm trying to figure it out." He told me that when he was in high school, people thought he was gay so he got a girlfriend and has had one ever since. This is what leads me to believe he may be struggling to come out as a homosexual. I feel like that would be easier, then I would know for sure that it wasn't me. But I was also told by friends how much he talked about me and how much he said he loved me. It's all so terrifying and at times feels like I may have abused him if he just never enjoyed sex.

[Guest]

I actually think talking to him about this in more detail would be best. Asexual or not, it was fairly insensitive to just ditch you like that without discussing why he wanted to do it first. Ask him how he personally feels and what you could do to help him deal with all of it, and make sure that you get as much out of him as you can so that you CAN understand him - none of the people here can actually speak for him.

Thank you. I am trying, but I am getting very little from him other than "I'm trying to figure it out." He told me that when he was in high school, people thought he was gay so he got a girlfriend and has had one ever since. This is what leads me to believe he may be struggling to come out as a homosexual. I feel like that would be easier, then I would know for sure that it wasn't me. But I was also told by friends how much he talked about me and how much he said he loved me. It's all so terrifying and at times feels like I may have abused him if he just never enjoyed sex.

It isn't abuse if he consented to the sex, especially if you didn't know. Asexuals can and will have sex with their partners to make them happy. If he is saying he is trying to understand, he may still be trying to figure himself out as an asexual. You feel "broken" all the time to begin with, confused, not sure what is "wrong" with you. So you pretend to be something you're not, sexual. For some that is, obviously everyone is different. But I pretended to be "normal" since I was 13, so 12 years of my life, because I knew something was off but I didn't know what it was and just wanted to be like everyone else. So I got boyfriends, I pretended to want sex, I pretended to get crushes on celebs cause they were "hot" - but pretending takes a toll and it always comes crashing down eventually. And I did love some of the guys I was with, but I could never enjoy the sex but I also never talked to them about it, because I figured it was a fault in me.

He, I would guess, is confused at this point. My guess from what you have said is he is just now coming to terms with his asexuality. It took me 2-3 weeks after I figured it out to discuss it with my partner, because I had to figure it out for myself first. Maybe he's felt some sort of sexual desire ? If so he could be trying to figure out is he grey-a, demi, etc. Maybe he has felt none, but has libido, so he's trying to figure out the difference in attraction to people and watching porn or something like that. There are many reasons he may have to figure things out before he can talk to you.

Because he didn't tell you before, doesn't mean he was lying. He probably just hadn't admitted to himself yet. It's hard when your sexuality doesn't match the "norm".

As for if he was homosexual it wouldn't be about you - it isn't YOU if he's asexual either. In the same way a gay guy can't feel sexual attraction for a female, an asexual can't feel it for anyone. That doesn't mean he can't romantically love you though, think you are beautiful, special. An asexual just doesn't have the attraction to sex, but love and sex are not the same. So it's nothing wrong with you either way.

Him breaking up with you like that, to me, sounds like a panic move from someone who is young and scared and doesn't think he is what you need. Maybe he feels broken, maybe he's going through what many asexuals tend to feel and thinks he has to be alone all his life due to his sexuality. I would give him some space and let him figure it out, but let him know you would like to know when he does figure it out. It doesn't sound like it was anything you did, it sounds like it's all about him. So try not to feel guilty until you have the story.

These are all just guesses though, based on limited information. You won't know until you talk to him and that won't happen until he's ready to talk. Best of luck.

[Lady Girl]

Just because he may have never enjoyed sex the way you do doesn't mean you abused him. Also, he doesn't need to be gay for this to not be about you (your appearance, etc.). Asexuality means the person doesn't experience sexual attraction and/or doesn't desire sexual relations. Period. It's not about you, it's about how he feels about having sex, and again this could mean he's neutral about that (not that you abused him).

Don't be too hard on yourself, or him. It's just the way it is.

Edit: I got ninjaed!

[Guest]

I actually think talking to him about this in more detail would be best. Asexual or not, it was fairly insensitive to just ditch you like that without discussing why he wanted to do it first. Ask him how he personally feels and what you could do to help him deal with all of it, and make sure that you get as much out of him as you can so that you CAN understand him - none of the people here can actually speak for him.

Thank you. I am trying, but I am getting very little from him other than "I'm trying to figure it out." He told me that when he was in high school, people thought he was gay so he got a girlfriend and has had one ever since. This is what leads me to believe he may be struggling to come out as a homosexual. I feel like that would be easier, then I would know for sure that it wasn't me. But I was also told by friends how much he talked about me and how much he said he loved me. It's all so terrifying and at times feels like I may have abused him if he just never enjoyed sex.

I'm with you... if I was forced to bet, I'd bet on gay. That's what it sounds like. My guess is the sudden breakup occurred because he did something that you don't know about.

As for being sure it isn't just you... either way, that's true. Asexual, gay, or just lost interest... regardless, it isn't you. My first partner thought she was asexual but ended up coming out as straight and leaving me. I have to tell you, that wasn't easier than breakups that didn't involve sexual orientation. In fact, it was worse. I had to think about our previous 8 years together and think "oh, so my feelings were never actual reciprocated, I was alone in this relationship THE ENTIRE TIME". So, you know, be careful what you wish for. Breakups suck no matter what. There are things that make it harder, but there isn't much that makes it easier.

[never odd or even]

Hmm, here's my 5 cents:

From around the forums, I've noticed some differing attitudes asexuals have towards sex and their partner:

• Obligation: They're super annoyed by it; wish they didn't have to do it; but do it anyway because they know it makes their partner happy. The, "Oh, alright, if it makes you happy..." attitude.
  
• Neutral: Understand that sex is needed in the relationship, but don't mind it. Most asexuals have this attitude when sex isn't too frequent for their liking. If it becomes too often, then the irritation shows.
  
• Guilty: Feel that, by virtue of being asexual, they can never truly "satisfy" their sexual partner. Therefore, they choose not to have relationships with a sexual.
  

Here's the problem with the "guilty" attitude: how do you know you're fulfilling your partner's needs without consulting them?

Personally, given that your boyfriend broke up with you and came out to you within a 24 hour period, it sounds like your boyfriend might fall under the guilty category. Maybe, coupled with Sally's input, that is why he hasn't spoken to you about this prior to making the decision.

The reality of the situation is this: from my impression, both of you are adults. On your behalf, I feel a little off-put by your boyfriend's actions. Yes, you may not have understood what being "asexual" means, but it's not just his relationship. It's both of your's. You're totally capable of making your own decisions, and whether the relationship should continue should have been discussed and decided by both of you.

If he hasn't closed contact and you still want to have a go, you can try opening up a dialogue about this. Maybe he can elaborate on his reasons and shed some light.

Just to elaborate on that; Asexuals are not free of sexual shame either, so there may be issues there as well as his (a)sexuality to consider. Talking to him is probably the best plan, and to remember that an asexual person can still love someone regardless of lack of sexual attraction. This may seem hard to grasp, especially if they engaged in and even enjoyed sex. That does not invalidate their asexuality just as a gay person having straight, loving relationships does not actually undermine the fact that they may be gay and can only take it for so long. that said, sudden break up is not cool; but then, you are not inside his head and do not know how he felt about the relationship, it may not seem sudden to him, which is always a horrible feeling regardless of sexual orientation issues.

I hope things work out ok for you. :cake: :cake:

[Saucy]

I have to say he potentially sounds gay to me too, although maybe not. He could envy other aspects of gay male culture, like maybe he perceives gay men as having less emotionally connected sex sometimes, since it's sometimes more acceptable in gay culture to do that, and that could feel like much less pressure to him if he is asexual? But he really does sounds he like he could be gay.

I wanted to say something about "sensitive" people. I was thinking recently about sensitivity versus empathy. They're not the same. The origins of the word empathy come from something to do with viewing art, where the artist and the viewer have a similar emotional/spiritual experience when the artist makes the art and the viewer views it.

I think sensitivity is different, and I think the above description of empathy is what a lot of sexuals hope for with sex. I think on the other hand someone can be a highly sensitive person but not be tuned in to others in that way of artistically joining together, if that makes any sense.

I could imagine that someone who was asexual and really invested in "pleasing" a partner might cultivate heightened sensitivity, in the sense of trying to react to that person's needs for the purpose of keeping the relationship intact or expressing love, but having sexual empathy might be harder won, when the experience of sexuals and asexuals in sex is so vastly different (so how can they be having a joined experience?).

[Mondo_Eric]

I'll get to the point:

My boyfriend of six months broke up suddenly broke up with me overnight and in the morning, claimed he was 'asexual.'

We had been in love for a long time. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone younger than I was, but for months before we dated he did everything in his power to proved he wanted me. So I fell into it and I fell hard, because he was sensitive and sweet and unlike any person I had ever dated. I had been in an abusive sexual relationship and his "sensitivity" towards sex was a relief.

But over time I noticed signs - why didn't he ever initiate sex with me? He has had relationships with women before - is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I unattractive? It made me feel terrible about myself, my body, and honestly - my womanhood.

'm glad this community exists, because the more I read the more sense it makes. I would flaunt myself for him and I never received any sexual attention. I could never tell if he was hard or not I would ask him questions like - "what is your favorite part of my body" or "who is your celebrity crush" and I never got answers. He seemed guilty after sex, wanting to please me more than please himself. I would touch him and he would not respond. But I also knew he put his gay male friends on a pedestal, and he did enjoy oral sex. He is also very young, and I'm unsure if he's just questioned his sexuality or just started repressing it by having girlfriends.

I guess I just wanted to tell my story and ask people here - when did you realize you were asexual? And how is it even possible to have sex if you're asexual? And if he really was asexual, would he talk to me about it and try to work it out other than just flat ending a love and understanding? I produce a television show about homosexuality - he knows I would understand anything he threw at me. Except for this. I just don't understand any of it.

Basically, the first problem comes when society teaches us that we are all sexual (meaning that we all have a sexual attraction for someone be it woman, man or both). But we exist and I will respond to you as a male.

I have always been asexual. Regardless of times of "discovering my asexuality" including having a stupid fetish I have suffered from long time ago (I get aroused with a woman with long/big/unpainted nails caresses my belly and nipple areas) in really nothing else makes me "sexual". That is, once that fetish fades away, I am going to turn 100% asexual without any discussion. In the time I saw porn (no longer watch it) something always made no sense for me. I found it animal, pointless. The reason I saw it was because of the stupid fetish I am battling against. Actually a very few women possess the kind of hands/nails that would produce me an arousal and no men cause it to me. So it is going very well for the process of the destruction of the fetish. And none of the women I had crushes with I wanted to have sex with. Basically me turning aromantic was contributed in part because I can't stand that people give priority to sex over other things in a relationship, so because of the difficult process to find someone to fit with me, the best option was throw it all away and turn completely a, leaving only a very small part of me hetero: my platonic side.

The reason why your boyfriend left you could be precisely because he probably wanted a platonic-oriented relationship and you prefer a sexual-oriented relationship. In my case, it would be very difficult to be in a relationship with a sexual person, because even though sexual have control and may just do fine with an asexual, problem is when the sexual side intervenes and you feel you need to define your womanhood as you said with sex. I will tell you, manhood and womanhood are not proven, at any way, through sex. That is a social fallacy I hate with all my heart. Men are not men because they have better sex or can please their woman. If you really love him, then try your best to put sex to a second place in your relationship. If you feel bad because your ex boyfriend did not arouse, or showed any desired response during sex, perhaps it's better that you look for a heterosexual man, who abounds much more than we do. Otherwise, if your love for him is stronger than sexual, perhaps you can negotiate and talk to him and find a happy medium. He must understand you are still sexual so you will want sex. But if you demand from him an interest of sex he does have, then it's like you want to control him, and it is not going to work.

Like gays, straights and bis, aces are born this way. Some have different romantic and platonic orientations. Your ex seems to be a heteroromantic ace. Heteroromantic aces can work out a relationship with an heterosexual person, so long the heterosexual is not sex-addicted. It would be easier to try find someone who is heterosexual if you can't sustain a relationship by leaving sex out of the main variable in the equation of relationships.