Michelleashley77 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Hello there! My hubby is super sexual and I am either a or grey (still figuring it all out) but we usually have sex every day some times we skip a day or two- always cuz of me- and I'm always saying we have to compromise to make it work which I feel like we are but be is still so unhappy and doesn't feel like he gets what he needs from me... We usually have a big blowout and fight every three weeks or so and this same fight has been going on for years but is slowly getting worse and less time between fights now.. He is not happy and if we didn't have two little children I dunno if we would have held on this long. Even though he is really the only unhappy one (cuz I'd be fine even happy if we never had sex again- I'm only unhappy cuz he is so miserable) he will never leave me. The good times are getting less and less and I just don't know anymore. I've tried to "fix" myself and be more "normal" for him but as I'm sure you all know its just not possible. The hardest part is I have to convince him I want to have sex and I enjoy it cuz otherwise he won't want to the night anger and resentment will be way worse and in bearable. Should I not do this- I dot think I'm lying cuz I do orgasm so I mean I kinda like it when I tell myself that I do... But I am faking a little- I feel like that's part of the necessary compromise to make this work... I dunno any help please I'm so alone and have no one to talk to! Thx in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
MadRat Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Every day sex, and it is not enough for him? :o It would be too much even for many sexuals. I think you compromise a lot. In fact, I can´t see it as compromise - every day, really? He wouldn´t get any sex from me. And he wouldn´t get so much of sex from many sexual women. Link to post Share on other sites
Shaded Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I must unfortunately agree with MadRat. That is no compromise, that is you not getting anything you want and you giving your husband exactly what he wants and he's causing a fight over it. Two sexual people in a relationship don't have sex that much. Your husband is the one with the problem here. Why is he the only one that should be happy? I'd have a serious chat with him, this is not fair on your end. Can you make it work? Yes, but only if you're both willing to compromise. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
zoidberger Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Is he unhappy with the amount of sex or with your interest in sex? If it's the amount of sex then for sure you're making huge compromises while he's not budging at all on his end of compromising. I dunno, it just sounds like there might be problems that are larger than sex if it's that frequent and he's so unhappy (unless he's got some form of sex addiction which would be another matter completely). Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Share Posted October 2, 2012 Well I'd say its definitely the quality of sex as he can see my total lack of interest and I guess all the other girls he's been with we're like crazy kinky and stuff.. He always asking to talk about sex and asks me to talk about and live out his fantasies. I'm pretty much always saying no although I'm pretty open to talking and I genuinely try to consider things before saying no. I don't know why but he truly needs a lot of sexual intimacy to feel loved. He's not just being an ass (for lack of a better word). He really cares about me so that's part of why he's so unhappy cuz he wants me to want it. Our arguments go from him being mad to wondering why to being sad and feeling guilty he's putting through this. I guess I feel like he's compromising because I'd it were up to him our sex life would be crazy and always super passionate not monotonous and more like 'because I have to' that it is. Thanks for the responses! Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Share Posted October 2, 2012 Oh and I don't think it's a sex addiction cuz he won't sleep with anyone else (even with my permission) mostly cuz he is only interested in me but he's also mentioned that I'd he sleeps with someone it can't just be casual so most likely he'd fall for her and leave me. He wants me to be more intimate general and i enjoy hugging and cuddling and stuff but every time I get close it turns into "wanna have sex" so it doesn't happen to much. I just keep rambling and I'm sorry I just never gotten this out before. I really appreciate your responses!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Touchofinsight Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Every day sex, and it is not enough for him? :o It would be too much even for many sexuals. I think you compromise a lot. In fact, I can´t see it as compromise - every day, really? He wouldn´t get any sex from me. And he wouldn´t get so much of sex from many sexual women. I must unfortunately agree with MadRat. That is no compromise, that is you not getting anything you want and you giving your husband exactly what he wants and he's causing a fight over it. Two sexual people in a relationship don't have sex that much. Your husband is the one with the problem here. Why is he the only one that should be happy? I'd have a serious chat with him, this is not fair on your end. Can you make it work? Yes, but only if you're both willing to compromise. Best of luck. I think you two are making a dangerous conclusion here. Two people in a sexual relationship can have sex that much, they do exist. You just haven't met them or seen them, and neither have I but that isn't a reason to rule out the possibility. Obviously Michelleashley77 isn't up for this either, but lets not speak in superlatives please. I don't think there is a compromise to met here. The rate of sex and kind of sex that this man appears to need (Based solely on your input) can not be fulfilled by you. You have tried to condition your self to enjoy it and I get this idea from your original text here: I've tried to "fix" myself and be more "normal" for him but as I'm sure you all know its just not possible. The hardest part is I have to convince him I want to have sex and I enjoy it cuz otherwise he won't want to the night anger and resentment will be way worse and in bearable. Should I not do this- I dot think I'm lying cuz I do orgasm so I mean I kinda like it when I tell myself that I do... But I am faking a little- I feel like that's part of the necessary compromise to make this work... I dunno any help please I'm so alone and have no one to talk to! Thx in advance! However this isn't what you want, its what you have done your best to do to please him to compromise. In a sense he has compromised as well but we can't know the level of that compromise or assume its level because we have no input from his personal account on the situation (important not to over look). My advice to you both is, break up or reach an arrangement where he can find his sexual satisfaction without your aid or a level of aid your comfortable with. Obviously whatever arrangement you come to has risks and consequences that BOTH of you need to talk over until you feel comfortable with. If you can't come to an arrangement, well then you have to pose your self the question. Can I sustain this relationship the way it is? Is it that important to me? Kids are important but leaving children in this environment could be even worse. They learn their first lessons about how relationships are at home, when they see you fight and break down, they can learn from these behaviors through observation. Now what conclusions they come to based on these observations is subjective. They don't just see only the bad or the good things, so you'll have to look at the entire package. Best of luck Touch! Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Does your husband know you're asexual or grey-a? It's very important for him to realize this is who you are; you can't change yourself to someone who wants sex. Expecting an asexual to want sex is doomed to fail, even for asexuals who enjoy sex. If your husband must be with someone who is passionate about sex, I'm afraid you have to either break up, or have a poly relationship if you're both okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Ok I have been in your position, well, not the kids part, but the partner being hyper sexual and wanting sex all the time - to the point of daily/multiple times per day. Then complaining and getting angry if I said no, or wasn't into it at all. Trying to force yourself to do something you don't want or don't enjoy is NOT HEALTHY for you. You need to talk to him. Explain to him that it is just too often and there is no way you can perform for him that much. Once my partner backed off (now it's 3-4 times a week, not daily) _quality_ improved because I wasn't so stressed, he wasn't getting rejecting and getting angry, etc. I will never be _passionate_ because I don't enjoy it (non-libidoist and never orgasmed in my life), but if you orgasm, you probably do enjoy it to some degree I am guessing? And you probably do get into it a little bit once you begin enjoying it? (these are questions, don't have to answer to me, but to yourself) If so, if there was less stress and resentment between you two over this, which only long talks and mutually agreed upon compromise will solve, he may find you more pleasurable a partner - mine did. And once quality improved, he became happier with less quantity. Now, if a non-libidoist full on ace with no sex drive or desire who finds it as boring as doing laundry or the dishes can make it work with a hyper sexual, there is hope for anyone. :) Talk to him, outline what YOU want then have him outline what HE wants, reach a middle ground that works for you both. For us what worked is he isn't allowed to make advances on me on off days. One week is 3 days, one week is 4 days. Oral twice, sex once and then oral twice, sex twice. When it's oral, it is ON HIM and he leaves me alone. That way I only have to try to work up enough interest to not look totally bored 1-2 days a week. Ideal for him? No. 3-4 times a day would be ideal for him. But enough for him? Yes. Once we got it worked out. :) If he is not willing to compromise further, are you willing to stay? Or try poly? Do what is best for YOU. The kids are not being helped by seeing their parents fight/be unhappy, so take them out of the equation. Staying in an unhealthy/toxic relationship helps no one. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Touch- there is no way I can meet his needs sexually... I do feel he has compromised a lot possibly more than me because I can see the deep pain the is causing him and its horrible. But he's still here because he has strong morals and doesn't even plan to leave this marriage he signed up to be in forever. He has told me he wouldn't have married I'd he knew but he here now and not going anywhere- he just upset and resentful maybe 75% of the time... Starry night- he knows but is in major denial and thinks I can change. We've been circling this for so long we try to avoid big fights so I'm waiting untill the next one to remind him my asexuality isn't going away... Liari- this was so amazing to hear... The problem is he's not willing to compromise. I could live with how it is now 5-7 times a week all depending on our fights.. But he's still always mad and so resentful a lot of the time. But when he's happy we have so much fun Nd he makes me laugh and feel warm and fuzzy inside... He totally hates the idea of a schedule and sometimes says no to me when it's 'sex time'. But then it's my unspoken job (in his mind) to convince him, which I never do.. I'm usually relieved and feeling guilty at the same time. I'm also slightly sex repulsed. I used to be much worse but have gotten through a lot of it because I work really hard at it- for him.. And most of my 'work' is in my mind and he tells me thinking about something isn't trying... But it is for me. He see my disgusted face and is so hurt by my rejection it's horrible- I tell him it's not personal and I'm not rejecting him on purpose but he can't see it that way... Another hard thing is I like to hug and snuggle and stuff but its not possible without him making a move- and not A slight one he goes straight down there and he knows I hate when he touches me down there. I always try no to flinch or let him see my face but I end up not hugging or getting close so he doesn't try to turn it into more... Ok don't venting for now(thanks again for taking the time to read). Now for a question. How does poly work. I've told him I don't care if he has an affair but he so loyal and says he will probably fall in love with someone if he sleeps with them... Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Poly means having multiple partners simultaneously while everyone involved is informed and consensual. It needs a great deal of openness, honesty and good communication. It's different from a sexually open relationship which only allows sex (but not love) with other people. So it doesn't matter if one partner falls in love with someone else, as long as they still love the original partner. Here's an interesting thread about poly if you want to know more. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 You should not feel guilty for not pursuing sex especially if HE declines.. it isn't your job to do anything. What you give has to be voluntary and something you are OK doing. Fear of anger is no reason to have sex. And he has to respect your feelings, whether they make sense to him or not. Just like you do, even though such a heavy need doesn't make sense to you. It sounds like communication needs improved. And mismatched libido is a COMMON relationship issue even in sexual/sexual relationships. He won't find a ton of women he would enjoy that rate of sex. It is hyper sexual. Would he be willing to see a counselor? I think a third party to help keep the conversations respectful and not anger fueled would be helpful. My boyfriend always wants to turn hugs/cuddles into more as well and i flat out tell him to stop. He doesn't yell or get angry anymore though he used to. He respects that it is not something I like, though he still slips sometimes and does it. Honestly, I was a bit mean in getting it through to him. I asked him how he would like to be grabbed so much then grabbed HIS chest like he does mine all the time. Ha. He flipped, but got the message mostly after he calmed down. I wouldnt recommend that, but I was annoyed. Everybody has personal boundaries their partner has to respect. My cousin hates being touched in certain ways (massages etc), my partner hates being "pawed at" if he is busy (hugs or caresses), my ex hated being tickled. You not wanting every hug to end up with his hand between your legs is a pretty reasonable boundary. :) Poly relationships allow love, not just sex, so he could get both from someone but keep your relationship / still live with you. But it has to go both ways, you have to be allowed the option for an emotional partner / cuddle buddy / sex partner as well. Even if you don't take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Yeah but he likes to be touched anyway Anytime... I've been upset and tried the same thing but it backfired as usual. We're just so different... Oh and he totally respects my feelings that is part of why he's so unhappy. He always battling his needs with my desires and goes back and forth between feeling horrible and that he's at fault to being angry with me and that its my fault... He does this all the time... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Heh yeah as I said I don't recommend it. My boyfriend is touchy about his upper body, he never lets me touch him there. Which is why it worked, though as I said it was mean. Different isn't bad IF both parties can respect each others differences. As I said, I believe your communication needs to improve if things can work. He needs to be willing to rationally discuss this. And accept you are how you are, nothing is wrong or broken about you. You are just different from him. A lot of people are though, not just asexuals, but sexuals too. He has a right to put a value on sex and need it, but you have every right to say no as well. And a right to not be touched if you don't want to be. *hugs* I know the position you are in sucks for both of you. I was on the verge of walking out many times. Take your time, decide what you want. Sometimes love isn't enough to overcome incompatibility, but sometimes things can work out in the end. Nothing will be solved with fights though so both need to leave anger at the door when you talk, a therapist can give that safe zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelleashley77 Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Thanks that is very helpful advice- some of the most valid to my situation I've gotten and I really appreciate it!! Your so right I'm just afraid we've hit a wall and he doesn't want to accept me as asexual. Thanks again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.