Obsidian_Claw Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Hi all, I originally came here asking for advice for someone else, but since then have been thinking about myself as well. It's come to my attention that I too am confused about where exactly my sexuality lies. I am most certainly homo-romantic, but as for sex... It's a troublesome situation. I don't consider myself asexual, as I have certain fetishes and with my ex- and only- girlfriend, I did enjoy having sex with her; however looking back on it I don't think I loved her as deeply as I have someone else. The problem here is that while I don't have an immediate desire to have sex with a stranger (or even imagine someone else, or myself) I also feel scared/nervous/uncomfortable about having sex with someone I love. I would have considered myself demisexual, saying that I'd only possibly feel like having sex with someone I was emotionally connected to... But when I think about it, I get sent a bunch of different ways mentally. Or rather, I don't want them to have sex with me. It's not just a matter of be being dominant and getting "bored" while being submissive, but I can feel arousal in my head and heart while giving to them. Licking them, kissing them, touching them and so on, all of that makes my heart and head go crazy and fulfills me, I just don't feel it physically. But on the flip side, I can't see myself happy in a relationship with an asexual, since I need to be able to give to them and have them enjoy it. I don't know, I'm just confused about how this all fits in. I suppose where it becomes a problem is that I can't even imagine someone else. I have different moods, most of the time I'm just horny and go spend 15 mins surfing porn on the internet to kill time and get rid of a bit of tension; but then there are times where I want to actually think of another person. I don't want to watch some cheap video of two people, I want more of an experience, but after the initial fantasy of meeting them and getting into bed (where I can think of a crush) I blank out and end up lying there thinking about work or something else. It's frustrating, I have a few people I know (and a few fictional XP) who I can definitely say I grin seductively when I see them, and yet when I time comes to actually do something about it I just... don't. For a while I thought I was an autosexual, but soon realized I'm only intrigued by the thought of it, the identity doesn't actually apply to me. Sorry, this was more of a ramble than and a question, but if anyone could offer some insight I'd appreciate it :) What it really comes down to is: Giving (sexually) arouses my mind and heart, but doesn't exactly "get me off," and receiving tends to bore me. The thought of sex with a stranger doesn't interest me, nor is sex the first thing to come to mind when I do see someone attractive; but the person I'm currently romantically attracted to only brings me so far in a fantasy before mmy train of thought just stops :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Rayne Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 I had this same discussion with myself earlier this year. And don't have much to offer in the ways of conclusions. For myself, I found (think...), the mental arousal comes from making someone I care about feel good. But, then, uncomfortable about the whole thing as I don't feel all that into it, but don't want to hurt them by a seeming rejection of them returning the favour so to speak :/ On the upside, I've learnt lots of ways to relax people and make them sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
Obsidian_Claw Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 I think I can come to terms with the fact that I don't like receiving, or that I probably won't ever have an orgasm from being with someone I love... the problem is one that I'm sure will arrive in future relationships, which happened in my last one. I told my girlfriend this, and tried to explain it as objectively as I could, but she was hurt when I told her "The odds of it happening are very slim, I still want to be with you, completely, but if you wanted to physically please me, well... you probably can't." I worry about the conversation coming up again in the future, because I've had feelings for more than one asexual in the past, but the thought of not being able to kiss them would be too much for me. Yet, being with a sexual person causes the above problem. I also don't feel it's right to fake it, I did a few times with my previous girlfriend and felt worse afterward than I did during. (<- By the way, we broke up for a completely unrelated reason, I'm just noting the occurrences.) And while all relationships need compromise, I feel they should come more in the form of "I like a clean sink and you don't care" rather than "I want to touch you in places you're not comfortable with." I don't know, I guess maybe it's just finding that one special person who'll understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayne Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Not all ace's don't like touching and kissing. I mean, heck, my nickname is snuggles :P I'm sure the more you are on the boards around here, the more people you'll talk to who think/feel the same :) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Why do you think you wouldnt be able to kiss an asexual? *boggle* Many of us love kissing. Some even like making out etc. Some can even enjoy sex, even if it isnt important or something they would initiate or ask for (or care if they dont get). It is true a lot of sexuals enjoy pleasing their partner as much as any other part of sex. But some can enjoy sex without that. We asexuals who find sex boring and compromise have to have partners that accept sex isnt fun for us too. So it is possible to be with a sexual succesfully even if you dont enjoy sex yourself (but enjoy making your partner happy). Only you can decide if you are gray/demi/asexual. :) Though it sounds like a possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Obsidian_Claw Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 Oh, I've just gotten a smaller view of it than the bigger picture of all asexuals I guess. I'm glad I'm on this forum then to also figure out what I know vs what I don't know :) But where I got that idea was from the two who I am/was friends with. They were both very snuggly, cuddly and affectionate people, but kissing was where they drew the line. I think it maybe came from the mentality of the whole bases thing (which I don't exactly like myself but whatever) where they were like "First base is too far, I don't want to play the game, just cuddling." Though thinking about it definitely makes sense that of course everyone is different, it's jut a matter of what you like or don't like. On a different-ish note, I find I have a tendency to fall for asexuals, which is why I'd like to know more about them and ways I can work out a mutually satisfactory relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Ah yeah. We're all different in our likes, just like sexuals or anyone else. So not kissing is just what your friends favor. :) Link to post Share on other sites
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