Sabrielle Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Hi Everyone! So, I want to start off by saying that I am not 100% sure if I am asexual or not. For years, I've kind of suspected it, as I never understand "dirty" jokes, never have sexual fantasies (like I suppose other people do), wet dreams are a mystery to me, and the whole idea of sex just seems kind of gross to begin with. I am 20 years old, so it is not like I haven't had time to think about it, but at the same time I am a virgin and have dated very little in the past. My concern is my fear of dating. Because I'm not sexually driven -- whether it's because I am asexual or just have a really low sex drive -- I have no idea how to act in a relationship. Everyone is always talking about how sex is the bedrock for any successful relationship, and with out it, your relationship will suffer. I understand that this is not always the case, but I feel pretty confident in saying that it is the norm. To be honest, I don't want to spend my life trying to find a guy who is asexual and then feel like I have to dedicate my life to him because he's the only one I've found. Despite not having any interest in sex, I still want a relationship and want to be able to love someone emotionally. Do any of you have any advice for mixed relationships? Or do you think it'd be better for me to continue staying away from dating? My friends are starting to think it is odd that I am not actively seeking out guys. And guys are always flirting with me, wanting me to sleep with them, etc. So when my friends find out, they think I am insane for not entertaining these men. Any advice, thoughts, insights -- anything would be wonderful, because I feel like I'm stuck in a state of limbo. I also want to mention that I do get really intense crushes. I can't determine if it has anything to do with being sexually attracted to them or not -- it's more an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be part of their lives. Thank you again! Link to post Share on other sites
dancergirl Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Okay I feel like every single word you said describes me perfectly. I'm 23 and still a virgin. I am afraid of relationships too. I have been on a few dates in the past with random guys I was set up with, but the entire time I was a nervous reck. And I swore never to put myself through that again. I HATE the pressure of dating....because then there is pressure to kiss and do other sexual things that come along with relationships. my mom and dad always get on my case about finding a guy, my brother makes fun of me for never having a boyfriend, etc. I kind of get a little jealous when my friends get bfs bc I always wonder why can't I be like that. And I'm afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Like you I do get intense crushes where I get infatuated with the guy. I'll think about him all the time, envision us cuddling and holding hands etc. never sex. I find sex to be icky. I feel like the exchange of body fluids is just disgusting. when i almost had the opportunity of having my first bf at 21 yrs, I freaked out after we kissed. I wasn't necessarily repulsed or anything...but it's like I just didn't know what to "do". I felt strange and awkward. I'm sick of feeling like that. And ever since then I just shut out any guy who shows interest in me. this has gotten me thinking about my sexuality a lot. I thought I was a lesbian not too long ago..and during middle school I had a "girl crush" on two popular girls. Sometimes I still get a "girl crush" if the girl is SUPER pretty or I am attracted to her personality or fashion sense. But it's not sexual. Its also not romantic. My advice to you is to just do whatever makes you happy. Don't force yourself to date if you don't want to. If you find a guy you like, maybe you should be the one to pursue it--maybe that will make you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs James Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 you could always explore the ace community for dating/relationship, we have dating sites and aswell as that remain open to dating with a sexual but be prepared to be open with how you feel if anything happens. Link to post Share on other sites
byanyotherusername Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Well, do you have many male friends? I know some girls find it hard to talk to guys, which I never really understood, since the majority of my friends are male. I feel like that is where most aces best bet is when it comes to entering a mixed relationships. You start with someone who already knows and cares about you, and possibly already knows about your asexuality, but if not at least knows that you are shy about dating and specifically the physical aspects of it. I've had more than one male friend tell me they would be happy to "take it slow" with the right girl, implying that I could be that girl if interested (and if not, that was fine too, which I appreciated). I think if you want to enter a mixed relationship you need to know exactly what you are looking for--and whether or not you are willing to compromise and have sex eventually, or have an open relationship where your partner is free to pursue sex with others, etc. When you figure it out, the next step is just to get to know different guys and if you develop a crush on one, see if they would be open to the type of relationship you want. If you are too shy to tell them how you feel, just describe what you are looking for and ask them something like "Do you think I'll ever find a guy who wants something like that?" Their response will tell you a lot about whether or not you have a chance. Best of luck. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Scuba Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Welcome, I am glad you found us here, have a look around and I am sure you will see many people who are similar to you, we come in all types, some with libido, some without, some straight, some not, just too many sub-categories to mention. For most of us here the intense media pressure that puts sex at the center of every relationship gives us pain on a day to day basis. This is not a reality as a relationship based on sex is exactly that, it might lead to love but its a means to an end, think about this, there are lots of disabled people and people that have been injured in some way, that can't have sex, do you think that they love less or feel less intense in a relationship? (I know this is a simplification but just making a point against the media) My opinion, for what its worth, is that I do think you have to be upfront about asexuality or your lack of desire for sex or you will just be opening yourself up for problems later. It does not have to be with another asexual, there are plenty here that make the sexual/asexual relationship work, its probably not as black and white as you are thinking at the moment, you just need a bit of faith in others. I say date after listening to a few of the stories from sexual/asexual couples on here (it won't take you long to spot who they are and the more prominent ones are open to PMs, feel free to PM me if there is anything you want to ask but don't feel confident enough to put up) Wishing you all the best and hope you find support you want here. Link to post Share on other sites
Styrash Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Hey! I also really feel what you're saying :) I'm also 20 years old, so i always considered i had quite a while to feel sexual or, let' say, "discover my sexuality" (i'll still wait for a while, but, at 20, you're supposed to have felt a little sexual desires, no?). But i did have some experiences, and they were all very bad and traumatizing... because every time i was forcing myself. I am very afraid of dating too (intimacy is a bitch haha), but i feel so out of place that, sometimes, i end up pushing myself to try and date people... which never works out because i "break up" (if it even applies in my situation) with them 2 weeks later... I really understand the feeling of wanting a relationship, since i am a romantic asexual myself, but TRUST ME! if you try to date when you're still not entirely ready, it can easily be a disaster! So don't force yourself to do things you're not sure of yet :) Sounds cliché, but it true XD! Because the consequences of "forcing yourself" will be worst than the ones for "waiting for the right moment"!!! And about the crushes, i doesn't really relate to being sexual or asexual, but more to being romantic or aromantic, i think. I personnaly think that every romantic person (sexual or not) will have at least small crushes, because they kind of are an image of your ideals you are sseking in someone. Well, at least, that's what i think...! :) Link to post Share on other sites
samepage1 Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 No idea how to act in a relationship? If that's the case with any particular relationship, I should think you shouldn't be in that relationship. Find something you're comfortable with, something where you can act naturally. You're not friends with people you don't know how to act around, are you? Especially if you're asexual, you really have to be okay, I think, with the idea of ending up "alone" (partnerless). Then you won't feel like you need to stay with an asexual person because they're the only one you've found. After 2 mixed relationships before knowing I was asexual, and one ace-ace relationship since then, the asexually-matched relationship just feels so much better. It's hard to know how to act when you don't understand the sexuality that your partner experiences. If my current relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if I could date a sexual person. They'd have to be really awesome, at a minimum, to overcome their sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Nearing 25 and I have contemplated dating with sexuals but things go far too quickly which I can't handle so I don't bother. Also don't have a single clue for the whole thing... Link to post Share on other sites
operagal Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Hey! I also really feel what you're saying :) I'm also 20 years old, so i always considered i had quite a while to feel sexual or, let' say, "discover my sexuality" (i'll still wait for a while, but, at 20, you're supposed to have felt a little sexual desires, no?). But i did have some experiences, and they were all very bad and traumatizing... because every time i was forcing myself. I am very afraid of dating too (intimacy is a bitch haha), but i feel so out of place that, sometimes, i end up pushing myself to try and date people... which never works out because i "break up" (if it even applies in my situation) with them 2 weeks later... I really understand the feeling of wanting a relationship, since i am a romantic asexual myself, but TRUST ME! if you try to date when you're still not entirely ready, it can easily be a disaster! So don't force yourself to do things you're not sure of yet :) Sounds cliché, but it true XD! Because the consequences of "forcing yourself" will be worst than the ones for "waiting for the right moment"!!! And about the crushes, i doesn't really relate to being sexual or asexual, but more to being romantic or aromantic, i think. I personnaly think that every romantic person (sexual or not) will have at least small crushes, because they kind of are an image of your ideals you are sseking in someone. Well, at least, that's what i think...! :) Thanks for putting this up, it exactly describes my situation and makes things clearer for me :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Styrash Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Thanks for putting this up, it exactly describes my situation and makes things clearer for me :-) No problem! :) It always feels good to help out :P Especially if we've lived through the same thing hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I lack the experience to give advice as far as dating, sadly. Twenty-eight myself and only 3ish boyfriends in my past. What I do know is that asexuality is far off the mainstream, and to get this far to admit it to yourself took A LOT of courage. So first off, don't forget that. You've come a long way already. My best advice would be to remember that there is that you are normal and there is nothing wrong about being asexual. Worrying about this and that beforehand will put more cages over you than you'd realize. 90% of problems no matter what area--work, play, relationships, anything--come from misconceptions, misperceptions, and fear. I would say to know what you want, don't be afraid to share it with people (share, not lecture ;)), and know that you and your needs are worth every bit the same as your partner's. Dating can be a great way just to meet people, even if it doesn't lead to a romantic relationship. It's the natural human condition, imo, to have interaction with our fellow mortals. Don't want sex? Tell them. If someone can't handle that, then they're really not worth your time, 'cause they won't appreciate you for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Naosuu Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 If you're afraid of things escalating too quickly, just tell your date that you take things slowly. Any person with common sense will respect that and if they don't, then they're probably not interested in whatever's above your neck. If so, proceed to dump them like a bad habit. Being up front about your complete disinterest in sex will probably help too. However, I think you should bear in mind that, in all likelihood, you'll be dating some grade of a sexual. You should ask yourself how willing you are to compromise on sex, should it ever be brought to the table. You don't have to expect this to come up with every date, but I think it's always good to know how you feel before the situation comes up. I mean, you could be incredibly lucky and find someone who isn't very sexually driven either! Link to post Share on other sites
ithaca Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Moving this thread from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Song Lily Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Hey! I also really feel what you're saying :) I'm also 20 years old, so i always considered i had quite a while to feel sexual or, let' say, "discover my sexuality" (i'll still wait for a while, but, at 20, you're supposed to have felt a little sexual desires, no?). But i did have some experiences, and they were all very bad and traumatizing... because every time i was forcing myself. I am very afraid of dating too (intimacy is a bitch haha), but i feel so out of place that, sometimes, i end up pushing myself to try and date people... which never works out because i "break up" (if it even applies in my situation) with them 2 weeks later... I really understand the feeling of wanting a relationship, since i am a romantic asexual myself, but TRUST ME! if you try to date when you're still not entirely ready, it can easily be a disaster! So don't force yourself to do things you're not sure of yet :) Sounds cliché, but it true XD! Because the consequences of "forcing yourself" will be worst than the ones for "waiting for the right moment"!!! And about the crushes, i doesn't really relate to being sexual or asexual, but more to being romantic or aromantic, i think. I personnaly think that every romantic person (sexual or not) will have at least small crushes, because they kind of are an image of your ideals you are sseking in someone. Well, at least, that's what i think...! :) You pretty much described me here. I get intense crushes and start dating, but then anxiety comes and I break up within days, even. I usually feel so bad while still with them I can't even eat or sleep properly until I end things, even though I like the person!!!!!!! Ugh... Intimacy issues then. Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
skenasis Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'm in a mixed relationship, and have been for over 2 years. There are a few of us floating about the place. It can work, but only if both parties are willing to work towards reaching an acceptable compromise, and keeping communication open and honest. That all said, this is my first "real" relationship and sometimes I still don't know how to act despite how long the relationship has been going. If you want a relationship, then by all means, shop around. Don't be put off by what your friends say. And certainly don't do anything you don't want to. If you have any specific questions, my inbox is always open :) Link to post Share on other sites
Styrash Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 You pretty much described me here. I get intense crushes and start dating, but then anxiety comes and I break up within days, even. I usually feel so bad while still with them I can't even eat or sleep properly until I end things, even though I like the person!!!!!!! Ugh... Intimacy issues then. Wow. Argh! God yes!!!! I know, right?! The stress of being in the relationship is worst than the one of being "afraid to date" or even the stress of not being... let's say like every else rather than normal haha. It's almostat the point where I wonder if my intimacy issues are the cause of my asexuality orthe consequence... I just don't know anymore. :S Link to post Share on other sites
Johannes de Silentio Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 I think people in our society are forced into thinking there's something wrong with them if they don't view sex and relationships like the rest of the world. I hope you figure this out, I can't be of much help seeing as I'm aromatic, but I can definitely understand the frustration you might feel. If you eventually find someone who loves you as much as you love them and they are a sexual, they will make sacrifices and you will too- mutual sacrifices will make your relationship healthy, so try not to think about it as a one sided thing where one person misses out on what they want and the other gets it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Song Lily Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 You pretty much described me here. I get intense crushes and start dating, but then anxiety comes and I break up within days, even. I usually feel so bad while still with them I can't even eat or sleep properly until I end things, even though I like the person!!!!!!! Ugh... Intimacy issues then. Wow. Argh! God yes!!!! I know, right?! The stress of being in the relationship is worst than the one of being "afraid to date" or even the stress of not being... let's say like every else rather than normal haha. It's almostat the point where I wonder if my intimacy issues are the cause of my asexuality orthe consequence... I just don't know anymore. :S I think that's my biggest fear since I found out about asexuality. I'm so freaking scared I never even mentioned asexuality to my therapist because I'm sure she'd say it's a consequence. While I definitely want to be cured from the intimacy issues (how on Earth am I going to achieve that, I wonder...), I'm perfectly fine with being asexual. But, well, what if it changes when (if at all) I'm cured? I don't even know what exactly I feel that makes me run away so fast. I'm not convinced by the "afraid of people seeing the real me" thing (come on now, not even my subconscious is that pathetic). Might as well be "once bitten, twice shy". Link to post Share on other sites
Uraeus Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I find it's easier to date people with specific fetishes, rather than a broad sex life. Depending on what they enjoy, you can satisfy their needs without exerting much physical or mental energy on them. For instance, I date women that enjoy strap on sex with men because I only have to fill a gender role. Most of them don't care if I appear bored, because they just want to feel like they are spitting in the face of traditional gender roles. They are not overly romantic/sappy outside of the bedroom either, which can be more annoying than wanting sex often. It's just something I view as having to be done, and once it's over I can get back to whatever I would rather be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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