Affair in sexual/asexual marriage

[Clairey206]

Hi, I'm new here and am just entering the world of asexuality. I've had sexual relationships but they only last a few months before sex doesn't appeal to me and I've now reached the point where having sex is a chore and something that I will do anything to avoid. The thought of a sex free relationship, where both parties agree, would be heaven to me. I'm posting here because I have a dilemma and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm married with 2 children (2 & 4), I love my husband dearly, but he has a very high sex drive. We have had lots of arguments about the lack of sex and the fact that I physically flinch whenever he tries to touch me in a sexual way. I have just found out that he is having an affair with a girl at work, I feel totally betrayed and like an absolute fool, I'm scared stiff that he's going to leave me but I totally understand why he's done it and feel like its my fault, because it is. If I'd given him the sex he wanted this wouldn't be happening. I keep thinking about leaving him but we have a wonderful life and two children to consider. I feel that I'm being selfish to expect him to be monogamous when he wants sex and I don't. Has anyone else been in this position or do they have a relationship where the other! sexual, person has sex outside the relationship? Does it work?

[Jay26]

Affairs. Bad, sad. Highly discouraged.

[Lady Girl]

Some people find that it does work to have an open relationship...others not so much. There's really only three options for mixed couples and those are sexual compromise within the relationship, open marriage, or split up. I know that sounds harsh but it's pretty much the truth.

I'm married to an asexual guy and I can tell you this, I always only wanted him to want me. It's never going to happen quite the way I imagined it should, but it's possible for it to happen to an extent and I'm happy (for the most part) with that. :)

There are some other threads about this too. Here's one and here's another.

It's a hard situation to be in and the most important thing to remember is that it's not your fault and it's not his either. These things happen, and I'm sorry you're being faced with this right now. There's a best solution for you both, but it may take a lot of talking to get to it.

[Regime]

This is a very delicate topic, personally I would not tolerate an affair, but then again I probably couldn't tolerate a relationship either. There's really nothing we can say or do to give you the best guidance, the only thing you can do is talk to your husband about it, and do what you feel is best for everyone, it may not be exactly what you want but the problem isn't going to get better by ignoring it. Take some time, think about your kids, and come to a decision.

This is my personal advice, totally unrelated to AVEN. Good luck.

Also it is most definitely NOT your fault, don't think something silly like that, I'm sure thats something everyone will agree on.

[Leelian]

This is an interesting situation, and I personally would have left him already because of the affair. The way I see it, his going out to seek sex was not discussed or even known about, and therefore should not be tolerated. It would be different if you two had sat down and discussed him having sex with others before hand.

Oh, and please do not think it is your fault. He went out behind your back for sex instead of bothering to ask if it was a good idea for him to seek sex elsewhere.

I'm the asexual in my relationship, and so far we have managed sex for him. We work on things like frequency and what certain activities we are doing, so sex for me is not really bad.

[Guest]

I have just found out that he is having an affair with a girl at work, I feel totally betrayed and like an absolute fool, I'm scared stiff that he's going to leave me but I totally understand why he's done it and feel like its my fault, because it is. If I'd given him the sex he wanted this wouldn't be happening. [...] I feel that I'm being selfish to expect him to be monogamous when he wants sex and I don't.

It is not your fault. You do not owe anyone sex, period. That includes your husband/wife.

It's not his fault either to want sex, and to be unhappy about the lack of it in your 'ship.

It very much is his fault, and his alone, to lie and deceive you, going behind your back.

Has anyone else been in this position or do they have a relationship where the other! sexual, person has sex outside the relationship? Does it work?

It can work fine if you are going into a polyamorous and/or open relationship arrangement with honest communication right from the start, and if all participants really want this form of life instead of seeing it as a "the lesser evil" form of compromise. It works perfectly fine this way between my partner and me, since four years and running.

starrynight summed it up perfectly in a different thread:

I think when you choose to have a poly relationship, you should be 100% willing to share love, not just using poly as a means to solve the sexual incompatibility. Sure, sex can be the first thing that got you thinking about being poly, but you also need to fully accept the poly philosophy, such as openness, honesty, compersion, commitment to personal growth, etc. You need to truly believe love can be shared instead of constrained, and be happy for your partner when they find another love. I don't think poly can work very well if you only reluctantly accept it and secretly wish your partner could be okay with a monogamous sexless relationship.

There's a HUGE difference between an arrangement like this, and going secretly behind a partner's back. The latter is a major breach of trust, it's not okay at all, and it's very understandable and completely justified that you're angry, scared, and feeling betrayed. Because that's what happened: you have been betrayed.

[Guest]

Ok, so he is having or had an affair, in large part due to a diminished intimacy between you two. That makes sense... it's not great, it's not ideal, it's not nice and it's not an appropriate way to treat one's spouse, but it is understandable. Something like 75% of all relationships encounter an infidelity, so draw your own conclusions from that, but cheating happens.

Some questions for you:

1. How long has the sex been diminished/ gone?

2. Do you feel that intimacy in general has diminished?

3. Have you worked on the sex issue? (meaning... going to therapy, talking about it together, making a sex schedule, or any other attempts)

4. Is the affair still going on?

5. How have discussions gone so far about your future?

[Sir Robbins]

I am deeply sorry to hear this. As an ace, this is something I would fear, and I'm the male. Cheating is wrong, regardless. Open relationships must be agreed upon and though I am against them, it is clear this is not one. You were betrayed and do not deserve that type of treatment. Again, I am sorry.

[Guest]

The breach of trust is NOT your fault. It is his and his alone. If you love someone and something is not working between you, you should discuss it and if it cannot be worked out the relationship should end. An open relationship / poly relationship requires trust and open honest communication. He has broken this already. Him wanting or needing sex is not in his control, but his actions are.

Where to go from here. Well, if you want to stay with him I would suggest counseling. There will need to be a time to heal and rebuild the trust between you. If you do that and you want to work on an open relationship, build from there. That is my opinion. You must make the choice you view as best for YOU.

I am ace and monogamous but I could handle my partner broaching the subject of sex elsewhere, it would most likely lead to friendship vs relationship however. That is just me, plenty can do poly relationships successfully but you really have to be comfortable with it. Take time and think about what you want.

Good luck and do not blame yourself. You want different things. That is not wrong.

[Clairey206]

Ok, so he is having or had an affair, in large part due to a diminished intimacy between you two. That makes sense... it's not great, it's not ideal, it's not nice and it's not an appropriate way to treat one's spouse, but it is understandable. Something like 75% of all relationships encounter an infidelity, so draw your own conclusions from that, but cheating happens.

Some questions for you:

1. How long has the sex been diminished/ gone?

2. Do you feel that intimacy in general has diminished?

3. Have you worked on the sex issue? (meaning... going to therapy, talking about it together, making a sex schedule, or any other attempts)

4. Is the affair still going on?

5. How have discussions gone so far about your future?

The sex lasted about 6-9 months, so it's been diminished for about 6 years. We are currently only having sex a handful of times a year, which I know isn't right in a sexual relationship. We've talked about it and I've explained that Im not going to initiate sex because that's just not me but that I won't turn him away or make him feel uncomfortable about having sex. He enjoys sex and the fun and games that go with it, I dont! I find it really embarrassing, even with my husband! I think this is also an issue for him.

I think that the intimacy has diminished, I've had an idea that an affair has been going on since our second child was born and that's pushed us apart a lot. I love all the other intimacy and would love that to come back.

We've not been to therapy, like I said before, we've discussed it and I'm open to having sex, it doesn't repulse me, although at the moment with him it does, because of the affair. Its just that he feels that he is forcing me to do it because I never initiate it, so he's just given up.

The affair is still going on, from what I can work out from past events, it was definitely going on at his 40th in march 2011, I confronted him with evidence in June and sept 2011 but he managed a very convincing story and obviously threw it back on me not trusting him. I decided that it could've just been a few bad coincidences and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but found unequivocal, pictorial evidence which has basically sent my whole world crashing down.

We haven't discussed the future yet, I'm still trying to get things straight in my head. I've been thinking all night about a poly relationship, but I would just be seeing it as the lesser of two evils and I don't think I could ever be happy with him being with another woman.

[sketcher]

This is obviously a very, very sensitive issue, and its a little hard to be objective and non-judgemental. One's own emotional and moral quotients are bound to color any opinion one has.

As mentioned earlier, affairs happen in happily sexed up couples. Here you asexuality could be simply coincidental, or it might be the cause. One will never know. Bottom line is, you are hurt, and you need to discuss this with your husband.

Open marriage is definitely an alternative arrangement for mixed couples. Yes, ideally this discussion should happen BEFORE an affair. But life isn't ideal. And despite all the flak that your husband is getting, he might not be entirely at fault for having an affair. That said, the fact that he is manipulating you by questioning your trust instead of owning up the affair and the reasons it happened makes him an ass. Still, he might be doing that to avoid a morality discussion and having to tell you (and perhaps himself) that he is having an affair because you can't fulfill him.

So alternatives have been laid out before you - sexual compromise, open relationship, or a break up. You really have to weigh each of these carefully in your situation. And there needs to be an honest discussion between you and your husband for the sake of the love that you two share.

I wish you the best.

[Lady Girl]

Hi again. I just wanted to say I am sorry this is happening to both of you. It happened in my marriage many years ago, and although I was upfront and told him I was going to do it, that really didn't make it any better. It wasn't something we discussed and agreed upon. So yeah, it was no good for us either. I mentioned earlier that he is the only one I ever really wanted to want me, that was no lie, and is the main reason having a relationship outside of the marriage didn't work for us. I still feel really guilty for doing what I did, but at the time I blamed him. I was very angry about the sexual situation and often wondered why he even married me in the first place. I cheated to try to get him to care, and because I wanted to feel like I was desirable.

Anyway, I just wanted to add that perspective to think about. He may not like what he's doing anymore than you do, it doesn't make it right or ok, but maybe makes it slightly more understandable and possibly forgivable?

Another thought I had regarding your last post was the bit about intiating. My husband and I have agreed that he does the initiating. When I did try, I was met with resistance or outright rejection and we decided this wasn't healthy for either one of us. Is it possible that even though you told your husband you would not turn him down, he still detects antipathy from you?

I realize some of these things are somewhat pointless to talk about at this point, but perhaps they will be things to think about in case you do decide to work it out.

[Clairey206]

Hi lady girl, thank you for your comments, the links were very helpful in understanding our situation. Also, thank you for showing me the other side, it's always hard to see things from another's perspective so your insight has been really helpful. How does it work with your husband initiating sex, do you have a schedule? I've always thought that would make it seem like a chore to both parties. I'm also worried that, because I'm very self conscious, the sex I provide won't be adventurous/pationate enough for his needs, is this just something that he will need to compromise on?

Thanks again for everyone's help, it's made this all easier to deal with and figure out.

[faltered]

Few things hurt worse than betrayal by someone you love.

There is the option of an open marriage. I am in an open marriage and my wife has a girlfriend. It was very tough at first, she has a high sex drive and I still wanted her to want me alone. but that wasn't going to happen and she wasn't happy.

I can tell you this about an open relationship and being with a highly sexual person, its not going to be an easy decision or an easy choice to live with. As an asexual I feel like I have been the one that gave up so my partner could be happy. Over a period of 3 years I have finally adjusted and adapted, but it was hard to do. I still think it was better than divorce since we have kids. But there are times when you have to suck it up and push down the hurt and jealously of another partner, especially if its not something you are wholly prepared for. I don't recommend it for most split couples. In my view its the ace that ends up giving up the most, which isn't fair, but it just seems to happen that way.

[Lady Girl]

Hi lady girl, thank you for your comments, the links were very helpful in understanding our situation. Also, thank you for showing me the other side, it's always hard to see things from another's perspective so your insight has been really helpful. How does it work with your husband initiating sex, do you have a schedule? I've always thought that would make it seem like a chore to both parties. I'm also worried that, because I'm very self conscious, the sex I provide won't be adventurous/pationate enough for his needs, is this just something that he will need to compromise on?

Thanks again for everyone's help, it's made this all easier to deal with and figure out.

No we don't really have a schedule. He gets to decide when, and we've agreed on once or twice a month. It seems to be working out...there have been two months or so in the last 14 or 15 that I knew he was stressed and when he said he didn't think we would that month I was ok with that (he made up for it by making sure we had relations twice instead of once the following couple of months). The consistency has helped me a lot, it really has. It's kind of like we can both relax all the time now instead of hardly ever. And really the initiating just amounts to a phrase that says it's sexy time if you want it...

Yes, the way you guys are a little self conscious is totally something we need to compromise on. I have dropped a few hints here and there and he actually will try them, but we generally go back to what he feels most comfortable doing. Also, just like with anything, even sexuals with sexuals, sometimes are better than others. Recently, I had some difficulty acheiving any kind of peak, but I know specifically why now. I had it in my mind that he hated it (even though he has told me in the past this isn't true, he says he is indifferent). The thing is, I need to remember that he is doing it for me and that should mean a lot actually...it's just hard to give up the idea of having sex because it is something you both do for each other, I have to accept that the 28 or 29 days of the month I'm not waiting around for sex is me doing something great for him! :lol:

[sketcher]

Hi lady girl, thank you for your comments, the links were very helpful in understanding our situation. Also, thank you for showing me the other side, it's always hard to see things from another's perspective so your insight has been really helpful. How does it work with your husband initiating sex, do you have a schedule? I've always thought that would make it seem like a chore to both parties. I'm also worried that, because I'm very self conscious, the sex I provide won't be adventurous/pationate enough for his needs, is this just something that he will need to compromise on?

Thanks again for everyone's help, it's made this all easier to deal with and figure out.

No we don't really have a schedule. He gets to decide when, and we've agreed on once or twice a month. It seems to be working out...there have been two months or so in the last 14 or 15 that I knew he was stressed and when he said he didn't think we would that month I was ok with that (he made up for it by making sure we had relations twice instead of once the following couple of months). The consistency has helped me a lot, it really has. It's kind of like we can both relax all the time now instead of hardly ever. And really the initiating just amounts to a phrase that says it's sexy time if you want it...

Yes, the way you guys are a little self conscious is totally something we need to compromise on. I have dropped a few hints here and there and he actually will try them, but we generally go back to what he feels most comfortable doing. Also, just like with anything, even sexuals with sexuals, sometimes are better than others. Recently, I had some difficulty acheiving any kind of peak, but I know specifically why now. I had it in my mind that he hated it (even though he has told me in the past this isn't true, he says he is indifferent). The thing is, I need to remember that he is doing it for me and that should mean a lot actually...it's just hard to give up the idea of having sex because it is something you both do for each other, I have to accept that the 28 or 29 days of the month I'm not waiting around for sex is me doing something great for him! :lol:

I don't mean to hijack the OPs post, but it's really nice to read your perspective of the whole thing. ANd it's great to hear about how you and your husband are managing things. Maybe something I can pick up from here.

[Lady Girl]

Thank you so much sketcher...AVEN has been a huge help to me. I've gotten the best advice ever for my relationship from here and also met people that I can talk to when I'm frustrated about things.

Right from the start, people would say communicating is the most important thing and at first I wasn't so sure since we had spent so many years fighting about it. They were right though, even recently, I told him how it hasn't been as good for me because I had been thinking he hated it, and he told me (again) that this isn't the case. We also had to talk to work out the compromise, and since then a few details here and there. I can certainly tell he doesn't care to talk about it frequently, but just being able to discuss it without fighting is a gigantic improvement over our old way of confronting the issue.

Another really important thing I found out from here and asked him about was daily affection such as sitting on the couch together and him just putting his arm around me. I know a lot of asexuals like to cuddle, but he had actually started to avoid it in case I took it as a cue. When I told him I know we are only going to have relations when he says something about it specifically, he decided we should sit next to each other on a daily basis, which is just wonderful!

Finding out he is asexual has been really helpful for both of us. Life is still life, and we are both people that happen to clash at times, so it didn't magically turn to roses, but I do think our marriage has improved greatly over the last year.