Telling the parentals...

[gilnokoibito]

So, since I've known I was asexual (about 3 years now) I've been wanting to "come out" to my parents. I've came out to my ex (we were dating at the time - which, all though this might tie in better later, I dated for 6 years, but did tell my Mom I didn't like hugging or kissing him, etc. -whether she believed me or not, I don't know), to my closest friends, and eventually all my friends (via Facebook). My parents (and other close family members such as my older sister and aunts and uncles...all the people in my life without a Facebook account...lol) are the only ones who DON'T know. I mean, for goodness sake, even my college English teacher knows! I'm pretty okay with being 'out and proud' too. I post a lot about articles on asexuality and the such and almost all my online profiles mention it in some way. So if you know me online, you know I'm ace, it's no secret. But seeing as how my parents don't even know how to turn on a computer...they obviously don't know. I WANT them to know though! Why? Well...because it relates to other things about me and other things I want to do. No, it's not vital for them to know I'm asexual in order to understand the other things about me or other things I want to tell them...but it does tie a into it...at the very least, it makes the other things easier to understand. Plus, I like people I know to know about me...not having them know...makes me feel awful for some reason, even though I also know it shouldn't really matter to them...but...I still want them to know! To feel open about talking about it and feeling comfortable enough to make asexy jokes every now and then and the such would be wonderful! But...I don't know how to tell them...

I'm not good with emotional conversation as I've posted about on here before...in fact...I'd rather willingly jump out of a moving vehicle than have to start or deal with such conversation! It freaks me out, I get nervous (even if it's not something to get nervous over), I start not being able to think straight, I get heart palpitations and have even been known to hyperventilate! So, I figure my only choice is to write them a letter about it. I still live with them, so for me I've decided it would be best to write it, put their names on it, leave it on the kitchen table and go do something for the day to give them time to read and talk about it. But...I know there will be questions when I get back...and considering how nervous I get about such things...the only way I could probably handle that is to specifically tell them to write me back their questions and I'll write back with my answers...and hopefully things will go okay and I'll eventually feel comfortable enough to talk about it aloud...but...I don't have any clue as to HOW they will act! One would think it would be the "oh, okay" sort of deal...but I don't know that for sure. I know they've never heard of asexuality and I've thought/tried to bring it up as sort of a "some people don't want sex" sort of matter off-handedly...but they never gave any response to it. I remember watching TV with my Mom once and it was about a guy who could have been asexual and I mentioned it...but she didn't really react...there was no "That's weird" or "Whatever, its his life" or...anything...just silence and she kept watching the show. I've been afraid to bring it up in any other way...afraid that it will suddenly become my coming out conversation that I'm not ready for.

I've tried judging by their reactions to other orientations...but they don't give much opinion on them...except for homosexuality...which they claim is 'disgusting and wrong'...so even though I'm not gay (or even homoromantic) it doesn't give me much courage. Also, there's the fact that my parents and I normally don't discuss deep stuff. Heck, when I was 'old enough' to learn about menstruation, sex, and all that...they didn't set me down and give me 'the talk' I learned about it from TV and listening to my sister learn about it. Then there's my Dad, who, though he lives with us, we never talk about much other than funny stories or whats on the news. I have no clue (other than what he thinks about homosexuality) what he thinks about anything, whether its orientation, religion, political views...nothing! I have no sense of what sort of reaction they might have at all! Whether they won't care one damn bit, or they think I need medical/psychological help, to "it's a phase/you haven't found the right person yet" sort of mindset, to...I DON'T KNOW! But...I want to tell them sooooo badly! About everything! 'I'm asexual...I don't ever want sex, I don't even like hugging/cuddling/kissing, I'm aromantic (and explaining to them what all this is because I know they have no clue), to one day I think I will want a child...through AI'...to...everything! But...where to start, what to expect...hell, I don't even know how to begin writing the letter! I mean, I wrote one...but...because I'm not good at emotional stuff...it's sounds a bit more like a pamphlet about me, more technical/stating facts about me than I think a parent might expect from a coming out sort of message.

Ahh~ah...anyone got any advice or kind words of encouragement? Anyone go through something like this? (The writing a letter sort of thing?) Any help would be muchly appreciated!

[Also, sorry for long post...I don't like long posts either...but I tend to ramble sometimes...]

[Member4445]

I don't think it's that people don't want to answer. They do, it's just coming out is always a difficult situation because you know your family better than any of us. If you think it's best to tell them then do so.

Hmm. When my mum told me she didn't understand what I meant, I got her a printed out leaflet about asexuality from the asexuality conference at world pride. I was going to leave another one around for my Dad to find but chickened out (he nearly kicked me out when I said all my friends at college were coming out as bi), the leaflets are still around for print off I believe. Note: Even after I have my mum the leaflet and explained it to her 3 times, she still said she didn't understand - she isn't the brightest screw in the toolbox.

I think your letter might be a good idea, they might prefer total fact than emotion, it'll get the point across easier. As for making you seek therapy, you are your own person, providing you aren't a minor they have no right to force you into anything. It might be that they already know hence the lack of reaction to you mentioning it on the TV.

[gilnokoibito]

Thanks for the reply Cy Cy. :) I'm happy at least somebody answered!

Also, I didn't mean that my parents would probably make me seek therapy...just that I'm afraid they may think somethings mentally or physically wrong with me is all...but lets hope that doesn't happen! Also, I think I'd honestly sigh a great huge sigh of relief if they already sort of knew!

I wrote another letter just a bit ago, with a lot more detail. I kept the facts and all that but wrote it in a more letter-like format and in a way that might sound like their daughter actually talking to them instead of just "Here's the facts! Read it!" sort of thing. I also found a few good pamphlets and such and printed them out (made sure to fold them all nice and neatly too) and I'm thinking of putting them in with my letter in a big envelope...so its sort of like a packet - a letter full of info and how I feel about things and some extra informational goodies too. I'm hoping it will get the point across, as well as hoping that the pamphlets make things seem more legitimate just in case my parents turn out to be the "asexuality isn't real!" sort of people (but I hope they don't turn out that way!) All I can do is hope things go well and they understand it all! My parents aren't exactly the brightest screws in the toolbox either... -_-

I don't want to really be around when they read it so I think I'm going to wait till about the middle of September to give it to them. Since, around then, my friends and I are going on a Halloween shopping trip to a Halloween store a couple of hours from where I live...this way I can hopefully have fun and distract myself from worrying as well as give them all day to sort things out in their heads. Though I know on the way home, all I'm going to be doing is worrying! >.<

I also happened to add in the letter, that one day, I would like to have a kid through AI...perhaps hearing that they might not be completely without grandchildren in the future will make them feel better...maybe...either way it's the truth. The only thing I had in my old letter that I didn't put in this one (yet) was about wanting to have a self-marriage ceremony (as a way to sort of better myself - I think of it like making promises of self-positivity and such aloud, sort of a good for the soul/self-improvement thing...but with a party afterwards! - which I'm actually planning to do this Fall with my friends support.) But I figured then they'd just think I had lost all my marbles then...so I left that part out. (My friends understand it though...but then again, my friends tend to be a bit more open and understanding than my parents.)