Aromantics: what makes the difference between a partner and a friend for you?

[samepage1]

I am wondering what makes aromantic people want to have a partnered relationship with a particular person. What is it about that person, your feelings for them, your compatibility, or whatever else may be that sets them apart from other people that you wouldn't have a partnered relationship with?

I am asking this because I'm starting a new relationship and I somehow feel differently about this person that makes me want a partnered relationship with her, unlike anyone else, but I don't know what that difference is. I had been considering myself aromantic, but if I am liking her differently than my other friends, maybe it is because I have romantic feelings for her. I don't know; help me out, please.

[The Great WTF]

The only truly different thing about my partner is that, for reasons I have yet to determine, I can stand being around him. Most of my friends drive me crazy if I'm around them for more than a few hours, but I'm comfortable with him after almost a year of living together in close confines.

[PoeFreak]

normally after I hang out with someone I'm fine not hanging out with them again for months and when I leave them I kinda feel tired. There was one guy that when I left him I'd feel really happy with a big smile on my face for hours afterwards, I was totally up with seeing like twice a week.

[byanyotherusername]

The only truly different thing about my partner is that, for reasons I have yet to determine, I can stand being around him. Most of my friends drive me crazy if I'm around them for more than a few hours, but I'm comfortable with him after almost a year of living together in close confines.

I don't know if I'm qualified to comment, having never had a "partner," but I think this is what it would be for me. I have only had a handful of friends I was close enough with that I didn't mind seeing them all the time, and at the time I didn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with any them because it didn't seem necessary and I didn't want to ruin the friendship. Now I've realized that I will probably never feel romantically attracted to anyone, and that it might still be nice to enter into a relationship with someone who felt that way about me, who I felt close enough to that I could handle the increased demands they would make on my time and emotions. Someone who I would, in fact, enjoy seeing more often than I see most people.

[Guest]

I'm not aro (but wish I was, and "look as if I were aro" as I take care to avoid acting on the rom attraction I feel), and the dividing line between "best friend" and "partner" is fuzzy at best for me. I'm doubtful if there's any more substantial thing to it than "a partnership is when all participants in a close friendship agree to choose the label 'partnership' for what they have".

While I'd say that my love for my partner isn't "pure platonic" (i.e., there's erotic/sensual dynamics between us, despite it not being sexual), and I'm still confused about whether that fuzzy and elusive term "being in love" is an adequate description for what I feel for her, I could not lay a finger on anything that's the one reason to call her my partner when I don't use that word for other close friends. Except "I don't feel 'single' is a fitting label for myself when there's a loved one this important to me" and "partnership is a label we chose for 'that thing we have'". *shrugs*

[Grace Barton]

This is an area I'd like to find an answer to as well. I'm an aromantic asexual, but I get very lonely and desire a romantic relationship. My friend tells me to look on online dating sites for asexuals, but I just don't see the point when I don't feel romantic attraction. For me there just appears to be no difference between dating someone from there or dating a friend. A friend has the same interests as me, I get on well with them, have a laugh with them, and enjoy being with them. What difference is there between that and dating someone? When you're aromantic it just all looks the same, at least to me.

I'll be watching this. :)

[Hypatia7]

Judging by what other people have said on this thread and my personal experience is that friends for aromantic people are the sort of people they enjoy seeing every now and then, but would soon grow tired of if they had to spend all of their time with them, while partners are the people they feel so in tune with that they'd be happy to see every day, or even share their lives with.

When I say personal experience, it is really only the friends part of the definition I'm reffering to, as I've yet to find somebody that fits the second part.

[The Great WTF]

Judging by what other people have said on this thread and my personal experience is that friends for aromantic people are the sort of people they enjoy seeing every now and then, but would soon grow tired of if they had to spend all of their time with them, while partners are the people they feel so in tune with that they'd be happy to see every day, or even share their lives with.

When I say personal experience, it is really only the friends part of the definition I'm reffering to, as I've yet to find somebody that fits the second part.

I think that only wanting friends around once in a while and a partner being the exception is more a trait of introversion than aromanticism. I know there are aromantics here that would spend all their time with friends if they could.

I don't really feel "in tune" with my partner, though I've found I can be more honest with him, more that he simply doesn't suck out my energy like most people do and that makes him one of the few people I can be around for a long time. I still get sick of him and thoroughly enjoy my alone time when he's at work or at his friends' house, but he doesn't drain my energy like other people do.

[Guest]

I'm not aro (but wish I was, and "look as if I were aro" as I take care to avoid acting on the rom attraction I feel), and the dividing line between "best friend" and "partner" is fuzzy at best for me. I'm doubtful if there's any more substantial thing to it than "a partnership is when all participants in a close friendship agree to choose the label 'partnership' for what they have".

While I'd say that my love for my partner isn't "pure platonic" (i.e., there's erotic/sensual dynamics between us, despite it not being sexual), and I'm still confused about whether that fuzzy and elusive term "being in love" is an adequate description for what I feel for her, I could not lay a finger on anything that's the one reason to call her my partner when I don't use that word for other close friends. Except "I don't feel 'single' is a fitting label for myself when there's a loved one this important to me" and "partnership is a label we chose for 'that thing we have'". *shrugs*

I'm also romantic and ^this^ is accurate for me.

My partner and I don't say "I love you" to each other as much as we say "I like you". To me, that's a much bigger compliment. I always tell her that she annoys the shit out of me sometimes and we don't always agree, but I really like her as a person. There's something about her that makes me more forgiving about her faults and makes me give her the benefit of the doubt even when she may not deserve it. I want the best for her, I appreciate seeing the world thru her eyes every now and again, and I feel... connected, kind of like, "at home" with her. I've had some friends that I felt similarly for, and I'd classify those as romantic friendships. They tend not to last very long because the mixed up feelings cause a friendship implosion. Specifically, I tend to "get over" those feelings, and then once I'm left with just a friendship I get bored and leave (but that's probs cuz I'm an introvert, so I don't hold on tight to friendships, as it mostly just seems like more work to me).

he doesn't drain my energy like other people do.

I think this is maybe what I mean by feeling at home around my partner. Being with her makes me feel almost like I'm alone... which all the introverts will immediately recognize as being a very wonderful feeling.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I think this is maybe what I mean by feeling at home around my partner. Being with her makes me feel almost like I'm alone... which all the introverts will immediately recognize as being a very wonderful feeling.

This is pretty much my litmus test for someone being compatible enough with me to be a partner-type of any kind. The ability to just be alone together and switch off and find comfort in each others' quiet company. It took me forever to work this out, because the world revolves around extroverted ideas regarding what relationships are about: having lots of interests to share, and spending much active time together sharing them. For me it's almost the opposite in some sense - it's almost more about being so comfortable with each other that just being together and doing nothing specific together is enough.

But yeah, this has more to do with being extremely introverted than anything else. I'm definitely not aromantic.

[samepage1]

Thank you all for the thoughtful and intriguing answers so far.

This is an area I'd like to find an answer to as well. I'm an aromantic asexual, but I get very lonely and desire a romantic relationship. My friend tells me to look on online dating sites for asexuals, but I just don't see the point when I don't feel romantic attraction. For me there just appears to be no difference between dating someone from there or dating a friend. A friend has the same interests as me, I get on well with them, have a laugh with them, and enjoy being with them. What difference is there between that and dating someone? When you're aromantic it just all looks the same, at least to me.

I'll be watching this. :)

Judging by what other people have said on this thread and my personal experience is that friends for aromantic people are the sort of people they enjoy seeing every now and then, but would soon grow tired of if they had to spend all of their time with them, while partners are the people they feel so in tune with that they'd be happy to see every day, or even share their lives with.

When I say personal experience, it is really only the friends part of the definition I'm reffering to, as I've yet to find somebody that fits the second part.

I think that only wanting friends around once in a while and a partner being the exception is more a trait of introversion than aromanticism. I know there are aromantics here that would spend all their time with friends if they could.

I would say to Grace that you may find someone about whom you feel differently. Then again, you may not. Whether you go looking for someone like that, I think, should depend on how likely you think it is to find such a person, and how much you want to find such a person. But I decided to go looking for a such a person even though I didn't know what could possibly make that difference...

And now I have found such a person, and I still can't determine what my difference in feeling is toward her. That's why I made this thread. I thought maybe it was simply what Hypatia7 said. I eventually tire of spending time with most of my friends. I have one friend whom I feel that I could be partners with because I don't get tired of being around him. But I don't actively want to be partners with him because, as with all my friends, I stop getting anything out of being around him after a while. With my new girlfriend, however, I feel like I never stop getting something out of being with or talking with her. But I don't know what makes that difference, I suppose. I am more introverted, so it certainly sounds plausible what The Great WTF says about it being more of an introverted than an aromantic trait to tire of being around people.

So I don't know that I have my answer, but I have found every reply so far thought provoking. Thank you all so much!

[Guest]

I'm also romantic and ^this^ is accurate for me.

My partner and I don't say "I love you" to each other as much as we say "I like you". To me, that's a much bigger compliment. I always tell her that she annoys the shit out of me sometimes and we don't always agree, but I really like her as a person. There's something about her that makes me more forgiving about her faults and makes me give her the benefit of the doubt even when she may not deserve it. I want the best for her, I appreciate seeing the world thru her eyes every now and again, and I feel... connected, kind of like, "at home" with her.

:D I'm big on saying "I love you", but I'd agree that "I like you" is the more important base for a 'ship. I guess it boils down again to the "best friends first and foremost" aspect that's gotten mentioned more than once. Liking someone seems the hallmark of true friendship.

Comparing that to romance - in the throes of romantic limerence, I make all kinds of projections/illusions/assumptions in my head about who I think the other is, and who I want them to be, which will distract me from actually knowing the person for real. So the mental image I "love" is not the real person, I'm just interacting with an illusion that's not really them... I can't truthfully say to like them, because I fail to really see them and get them to know for who they actually are. (Which is one of the reasons why I think romance sucks, q.e.d. :lol: )

[Coyote Eli]

I think this is maybe what I mean by feeling at home around my partner. Being with her makes me feel almost like I'm alone... which all the introverts will immediately recognize as being a very wonderful feeling.

This is pretty much my litmus test for someone being compatible enough with me to be a partner-type of any kind. The ability to just be alone together and switch off and find comfort in each others' quiet company. It took me forever to work this out, because the world revolves around extroverted ideas regarding what relationships are about: having lots of interests to share, and spending much active time together sharing them. For me it's almost the opposite in some sense - it's almost more about being so comfortable with each other that just being together and doing nothing specific together is enough.

But yeah, this has more to do with being extremely introverted than anything else. I'm definitely not aromantic.

This idea definitely wouldn't serve as a gauge for me, personally. I live with my mother, and our interactions are exactly like this. I could probably live the same way with either of my brothers or with one particular close friend who is like another brother to me. Obviously, none of them would constitute a 'partner'. I've never been in a relationship or experienced falling in love as far as I'm aware, so I suppose it's possible I would know the difference when I feel it, but I'm still highly confused about it at this point.

[Guest]

I think this is maybe what I mean by feeling at home around my partner. Being with her makes me feel almost like I'm alone... which all the introverts will immediately recognize as being a very wonderful feeling.

This is pretty much my litmus test for someone being compatible enough with me to be a partner-type of any kind. The ability to just be alone together and switch off and find comfort in each others' quiet company. It took me forever to work this out, because the world revolves around extroverted ideas regarding what relationships are about: having lots of interests to share, and spending much active time together sharing them. For me it's almost the opposite in some sense - it's almost more about being so comfortable with each other that just being together and doing nothing specific together is enough.

But yeah, this has more to do with being extremely introverted than anything else. I'm definitely not aromantic.

This idea definitely wouldn't serve as a gauge for me, personally. I live with my mother, and our interactions are exactly like this. I could probably live the same way with either of my brothers or with one particular close friend who is like another brother to me. Obviously, none of them would constitute a 'partner'. I've never been in a relationship or experienced falling in love as far as I'm aware, so I suppose it's possible I would know the difference when I feel it, but I'm still highly confused about it at this point.

Oh, definitely, there is more to a partnership than being comfortable together. :) That being said, I feel very similarly toward my mom and my partner, except that I don't feel icky about touching and cuddling my partner. Otherwise, I can't say it's significantly different.

As for falling in love... it's as much as decision as it is anything. At some point you decide to pursue a relationship and see where it goes, and you either grow together or you grow apart, and eventually once you start growing together, more decisions are made... to live together, to be committed to each other, etc. The actual feeling of love, for me anyway, isn't a particularly salient emotion. It's more just a combination of general affection & appreciation, and a desire to be around them, see them happy, and help them achieve whatever they want to achieve.

I had a girlfriend once who, in response to me being confused about love, told me this "we choose to be together every day. When we wake up, we choose this relationship above everything else, and we commit ourselves to each other. That's all love is." Now, of course love isn't just commitment... but it just may be the desire to have that level of closeness with someone.

[Guest]

I had a girlfriend once who, in response to me being confused about love, told me this "we choose to be together every day. When we wake up, we choose this relationship above everything else, and we commit ourselves to each other. That's all love is." Now, of course love isn't just commitment... but it just may be the desire to have that level of closeness with someone.

Just saying (except for the "above everything else" bit), I really, really like that description. Love/commitment being something that's chosen every day anew, instead of being dragged along as the default state... it resonates extremely well with me. :)

[Hypatia7]

Judging by what other people have said on this thread and my personal experience is that friends for aromantic people are the sort of people they enjoy seeing every now and then, but would soon grow tired of if they had to spend all of their time with them, while partners are the people they feel so in tune with that they'd be happy to see every day, or even share their lives with.

When I say personal experience, it is really only the friends part of the definition I'm reffering to, as I've yet to find somebody that fits the second part.

I think that only wanting friends around once in a while and a partner being the exception is more a trait of introversion than aromanticism. I know there are aromantics here that would spend all their time with friends if they could.

I don't really feel "in tune" with my partner, though I've found I can be more honest with him, more that he simply doesn't suck out my energy like most people do and that makes him one of the few people I can be around for a long time. I still get sick of him and thoroughly enjoy my alone time when he's at work or at his friends' house, but he doesn't drain my energy like other people do.

I guess you're right I answered the question more as an introvert than as an aromantic, although what I ment by "in tune" is actually in part what you describe having with your partner, the feeling that you can be more honest with him, than with other people. To that I would probably add a common point of view of the world.