ANorthDisaster Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Hello, beautiful people. I stumbled upon this site recently while researching why at my young age, newly married, in love, with an amazing husband --- why I couldn't stand sex. Why I would participate in it because I felt like it was expected of me, and everyone else seemed to have this HUGE FRICKEN sex drive, and I didn't. allow me to explain further. I have been married for five glorious months. My husband and I met in high school, and for spiritual reasons, abstained from sex. Kissing was always sweet enough (never really got my engine revving, but good) and I loved him. We got married after three years of dating in a small, personal ceremony and practically flew to our hotel room. The second I walked in and saw that big, white bed, my heart dropped. My body clenched up and my stomach felt sick. I was nervous, yes, but also..... disgusted. There was no other way to put it. Now that sex was actually on the table for us, I didn't like it. We got undressed and the results were anti-climactic. I couldn't get lubricated (well, duh, because I wasn't turned on)and my body wasn't responding. My husband was very gracious and told me that it was okay if I wasn't ready, that he understood, because it was new for us. We feel asleep cuddling. That was awesome. I LOVE cuddling :) We did not consummate our marriage until three days later. It took us about two hours. In the end, I was frustrated and horrified with myself at not wanting to have sex with, frankly, a extremely handsome man who cared about me and wanted me to have his children, and had just devoted himself to me for the rest of his life. I slicked myself up with lube and basically shoved him in, gritting my teeth and baring the pain. After a while it didn't hurt. But it didn't feel good. I felt nothing. But my husband was happy and held me. He bought me more flowers, and thanked me for persevering with him. Over the last five months, I have had absofruitly NO sex drive. My husband is awesome. He never pushes me to do it. He is never angry when I say "no." And it makes me happy when he is understanding. But I still feel as though something is dreadfully wrong with me. On one hand, I wish I wanted sex so I didn't have to force myself into it. But one the other, bigger hand, I don't want sex. At all. What I desire is the intimacy it provides us with as a husband and wife. I don't feel any pleasure from sex. I don't dream about it, think about it with other men, or crave it. I would be okay if I went the rest of my life without having to strip down and do the deed. Sex feels like a chore. Nothing turns me on. I can't even MAKE myself get into it. We have sex about twice a week, because I know how important it is to him. But I have no idea how to tell him that I think I might not be made for sex. That is might be in my DNA to feel this way. Sex is not a gift or fun -- it is boring, gross, and feels very violating to me. Any thoughts? Advice? Support? Thank You for listening to me ramble :) -- a Link to post Share on other sites
Batman's Ace Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Welcome to AVEN, ANorthDisaster. :cake: I'd like to state a disclaimer first: I'm not married, or in a relationship. I'm just speaking from my understanding of things based on my communications with sexuals I know and love. So I might get something wrong. I dunno. One thing you need to acknowledge immediately: if part of your relationship makes you feel violated, that will cause serious problems. Not immediately, but there is an imbalance in benefit, and that imbalance is a weak point. It's very easy to start feeling fear or resentment, either of which will grow and damage the relationship. It sounds like you are very much in love with this man, and that's wonderful, but you need to communicate with him. Not everyone has the same amount of desire for sex, even among sexuals, so it shouldn't be at all strange that you and your husband have different preferences. What will surprise him is that yours is non-existent, rather than simply a bit lower than his. This is not something that is guaranteed to end your relationship. There are lots of mixed couples, and they find ways of making it work. But the key to this, and to any healthy relationship, is honest communication. You mentioned spiritual beliefs, so I'm going to add a brief note more in that vein. This is from the perspective of a Christian, but it might be applicable even if you're not Christian. It is very important that the husband and wife both benefit from a marriage. They have duties to each other, yes, but those are intended that both partners have a fulfilling relationship, and one of those duties is to avoid hurting the other person. When you tell him (not if, dear. WHEN), you'll need to be prepared for a few possible reactions, of differing degrees of reasonableness. He might feel like you're trying to back out of your duties in the relationship--whether that's relations between husband and wife, or bearing children, or whatever. He might feel confused or disappointed or deceived or like he's a failure because you're not pleased. No matter how he reacts, you need to remember a few things yourself: 1) there is no obligation for anyone or any couple to bear children, to have sex, or any of that stuff; people can proof-text all they want, but there is no Biblical basis for insisting on it, and I can't think off the top of my head of any religion where there is such a basis. 2) It's not his fault. He'll need to know that this has nothing to do with how much you love him, or with anything he messed up. 3) It's not your fault, either. You had no way of knowing, since you'd never actually been faced with the prospect of sex before you got married to him. You did not deceive him, and there's nothing wrong with you. However, if you go on not telling him, and he loves you half as much as it sounds like you love him, he will be very upset when he finally finds out you've been letting him do something that you find violating. It's going to take a bit of time for him to adjust to the information, so don't expect to get this wrapped up in a single conversation. He might suggest talking to a counselor, which could be helpful if the counselor is respectful of your needs as well as his. Also, if you're really fortunate (and you might be, from your description of the man), he could be okay with adopting any kids. Work with him to resolve this, but do not accept the worse end of the bargain. The two of you are equally valuable, and your needs are equally valid. Please let us know how things go, dear. Link to post Share on other sites
Night Butterfly Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Congratulations on your marriage. :D It sounds like you really found true love. Have some cake. And sorry if I seem totally out of place in saying this (not being married and all) but have you spoke with your husband about your possible asexuality? From what you've told, he really loves you and if you both talk of it and explore this possibilty together it could help you. Again, I'm sorry if my advice is unwanted. I think I was in a similar situation (not married) but I was with my true love and sex was always a problem to me. I never liked the idea of it and it never appealed to me as it seemed to for others, it always seemed related to bad things, but I tried thinking of it another way. I never tried thinking of it as sex but I tried to see it as something more emotion. Like two souls melding together. ... Dear Lord that sounded fairytale/fantasyish. Ignore that thought. Anyway still, congratulations on being with someone so understanding to you. And there are loads of people here with (better) advice for you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
kochouran Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 As Batman's Ace said, you need to communicate with your husband. If you're like me and make what my partner calls the "unsexy face" (>__<), your husband probably has an inkling that sex is unpleasant for you. Make sure he understands that this is neither a medical issue nor a case of him being bad at sex. Definitely tell him that you desire the intimacy. How do you feel about various forms of foreplay? It's a good place to start when you're thinking about how to compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
ANorthDisaster Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 Well good golly gosh. Thanks for the kind words :D I have been preparing to broach the subject with him for a few hours now. I've done my research on the different levels of asexuality, and have been thinking through what I personally feel I can and cannot handle. He is in a good mood tonight (we just went to an outdoor concert! Score!), so I feel as though if I make some tea, we could have an intimate chat about it. I will stress the points you have suggested. They are very simple and logical --- those things speak to him, so now it's about praying and being delicate and respectful. It seems to be a part of me that I have to explore in depth. I was quite sheltered growing up, so I hadn't even HEARD of someone disliking sex -- I just heard DON'T HAVE SEX UNLESS IT'S SOMEONE YOU ABSOLUTELY LOVE. SO it's all quite new to me that there is such a vast spectrum of sexuality. After all, "normal" is just a setting on the washing machine, amirite? By the way, thank you for your help! I shall join you in the ceremonial cake-giving (I see a lot of that on here....... :P ) -- a Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 ANorth, I'll bet that your husband realizes that you don't like sex, and I'll also bet that he understands that it's not through lack of love of him. so maybe you won't have to go through that conversation as though it's something he has no knowledge of. What you need to do is be honest with each other, and talk about what compromises might be possible, as far as what you do and don't do together. That will take some thought on your part as far as what you can deal with, physically and emotionally (because having sex when you don't really want it is not only not fun physically, but it's boring and annoying mentally and emotionally). That discussion should be had really soon, so neither of you get worried about how the other feels. Link to post Share on other sites
< retired > Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Any thoughts? Advice? Support? Your post is very common. The physical and psychological issues here are complex, and really should be addressed by doctors and therapists. I'm not implying that there is anything wrong with you as you are, but competent doctors and therapists can help you understand why you are the way you are, and provide you some ideas regarding what (if any) the possibilities going forward might be. You are a little young and inexperienced to be locking yourself into a closet behind a convenient label like 'asexual'. Since doctors and therapists vary widely in quality, you may need to see a few of them before you are satisfied. Sorry about that! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Any thoughts? Advice? Support? Your post is very common. The physical and psychological issues here are complex, and really should be addressed by doctors and therapists. I'm not implying that there is anything wrong with you as you are, but competent doctors and therapists can help you understand why you are the way you are, and provide you some ideas regarding what (if any) the possibilities going forward might be. You are a little young and inexperienced to be locking yourself into a closet behind a convenient label like 'asexual'. Most doctors and therapists know very little about why someone may feel that they're asexual. i don't think the OP is locking herself into a closet or giving herself a convenient label. She's described in detail how she feels, and that feeling apparently hasn't changed over a period of months, with a very loving partner. This is between her and her husband, not anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Batman's Ace Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 You are a little young and inexperienced to be locking yourself into a closet behind a convenient label like 'asexual'. 1) Age is not the most important factor in determining sexual orientation. Neither is experience. I don't have to have had sex, or had it a certain way or frequency, or had it with a certain number of people, or gotten to a specific number of years, before I decide for sure what I am. If she feels the label describes her accurately, she can use it. I found the word when I was 20 and a virgin. My call. It's still valid. 2) Since when is "asexual" a convenient label? All the trouble it causes, I'd be better off describing myself as lesbian, and I'm a conservative Christian! But I'm not lesbian, and however inconvenient "asexual" is, that's what I am. Link to post Share on other sites
ANorthDisaster Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 Any thoughts? Advice? Support? Your post is very common. The physical and psychological issues here are complex, and really should be addressed by doctors and therapists. I'm not implying that there is anything wrong with you as you are, but competent doctors and therapists can help you understand why you are the way you are, and provide you some ideas regarding what (if any) the possibilities going forward might be. You are a little young and inexperienced to be locking yourself into a closet behind a convenient label like 'asexual'. Since doctors and therapists vary widely in quality, you may need to see a few of them before you are satisfied. Sorry about that! Good luck! First of all, thank you for your concern :) I can see where there might be some confusion with my story. Before my husband, there were two other men that I kissed. Both of them were extremely attractive, talented men (one, an actor and model. The other, a professional musician with a million tattoos. I love tattoos.)that I kissed after dating for a bit. With both of them, I felt no physical arousal. When I met my husband, I felt what I thought was arousal, and therefore I chalked up my lack with the two other guys to not having met "the right one." As it turns out, what I thought was arousal was actually a feeling of emotional intimacy that I wanted to express in kissing and cuddling. But I did not want to have sex. I kept telling myself that my lack of sex drive was because I was very spiritually strong and "resisting temptation." When we went to our pre-martial counseling, our pastor told us that he was impressed with our purity after three years and to make sure we set boundaries. So I never had to deal with my lack of drive before we got married. To clear up some suspicions: I have never been molested or sexually abused. At my last doctors appointment, all my hormone levels were normal; I am perfectly healthy. I have a job that is fulfilling and not stressful. My husband and I have raised our cat from six weeks old (we found him on the side of the road), so it's got nothing to do with fears about us being inadequate parents. I have no fear of being pregnant (besides the having-sex-part); it if happened, I would be happy to be having my husband's baby. My parents were not ashamed of sex, they did not paint it as "dirty". I do not have sexual fantasies about other men. My husband, by sexual standards, is not bad in bed. He has always tried hard to please me before himself. I have felt this way since we started having sex. As far as I can see, this is the only avenue I have not fully explored. Upon reading info from the site, I find I identify with it. This is certainly not an easy choice..... I'm young and married. My husband did not expect his wife to have an aversion towards sex. Talking about this will not be easy or fun :( I have no desire to label myself; my husband is the only one who see's my sexual side, so he is the only one who has to know. But having the information and support from other is important. I have no idea how to deal with this. anyways, hope that clears up a few concerns. cheers -- a Link to post Share on other sites
ANorthDisaster Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 You are a little young and inexperienced to be locking yourself into a closet behind a convenient label like 'asexual'. 1) Age is not the most important factor in determining sexual orientation. Neither is experience. I don't have to have had sex, or had it a certain way or frequency, or had it with a certain number of people, or gotten to a specific number of years, before I decide for sure what I am. If she feels the label describes her accurately, she can use it. I found the word when I was 20 and a virgin. My call. It's still valid. 2) Since when is "asexual" a convenient label? All the trouble it causes, I'd be better off describing myself as lesbian, and I'm a conservative Christian! But I'm not lesbian, and however inconvenient "asexual" is, that's what I am. true, true. If I were a lesbian, at least I would have the mainstream media and lots of pride groups behind me. Link to post Share on other sites
Scuba Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Hi ANorthDisaster, Congratulations on your marriage, from the brief description you sound like you have a real good person there that is very understanding. I would say go for it and explain your situation, but don't put a tag on yourself just yet. My experience in doing things sexual that I did not want to do just led me down a path of resentment for my ex-partners. My advice would be to also search for the topic about other things that asexual people do in a relationship (it had sexy dancing and videos of yourself, can anyone reading this please post the link) to keep it interesting for a sexual partner, I looked for it but can't find it for you, if you can't either start your own! Link to post Share on other sites
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