Sexual fetishes but no desire for sex....

[Texace 12]

I have been reassessing my asexuality lately. I consider myself to be hetero-romantic asexual, and have been identifying as such since September of last year, but I don't really know anymore. I do have a libido (I would assume average libido, but definitely not low) and I do have a foot fetish, which causes me to be sexually attracted to a girl's feet.

I'm just really confused now and feel lost all over again. When I see a beautiful girl, I'm not gonna lie, they do catch my eye. I definitely notice a girl's feet, but don't necessarily get all horny and out of control; it's more like an admiration. When I like a girl, I fantasize about what it would be like to cuddle with her and be close to her romantically, and these fantasies include me massaging her feet as well. I do consider myself to be a bit submissive sexually and emotionally, but not inferior. I do still possess a backbone and I am all for equality in a relationship--I just wouldn't mind if the girl kept me in check once in awhile.

I think this submissiveness is tied into the foot fetish on an emotional scale. Think about it; what's the lowest part of the body? Feet. And, feeling as I do, if I really like someone, what is the way I feel would be a way to express devotion to someone I like? Attention to the feet. It's not ALL about the feet though! I love to cuddle, lay in each others laps, play with each others hair, hug, and kiss. All those things are important to me.

What separates my foot fetish needs from other sexual men with the same thing is, those guys incorporate foot fetish play with sex and their sex organs are more involved in direct contact with the feet. Those guys want to... how should I say this... spread their load all over the feet. Personally, I don't like my load being on them. I would rather finish in a towel or whatever. For me, I would rather their feet be all in my face or next to me instead of anywhere near my male parts.

As far as fantasizing goes, sex is never in the picture. I've never once dreamed of having sex with anyone. I have had sex before, with two different partners, but don't enjoy it at all and see it as a pointless act. Each time I did have sex, I wished for it to be over with. For average sexual people, their ultimate expression of closeness is to share sexual intercourse with one another. That is definitely not the case for me. Just because feet turn me on and I want to... do what I do with them... I don't see that as my ultimate expression for sharing my love with someone. As a (now ASSUMED) asexual, I feel that cuddling and being physically close to one another when I'm in love with someone is THE most pure expression of love and don't see the foot thing or sex as being "more". However, I do feel like I should be allowed this sexual release with my partner. She doesn't even have to do anything but sit there on the couch or a bed and read a book or work on a laptop while I just get my rocks off on the floor at her feet. Heck, I'd even join in on small talk conversation! lol

I'm just confused now because I've identified under the asexual label since September. I DO have a sexual attraction for the opposite sex, but it's just for their feet only; no other part of them affects me sexually. Yes, feet turn me on, but the rest of them I would just want to love, hug, hold and kiss. HERE is the core of my insecurity that I'm feeling right now: I would NOT be very compatible with a sexual person because I definitely don't want to have sex with them, and compromising sex every now and then or her having other partners is out of the question. However, I'm not too entirely sure now how I would be compatible with an asexual. All I want to do is to love and love fully, but every now and then, relieve the sexual tension that their feet will cause me. I'm just not so sure how most asexuals would allow this foot fetish stuff to happen since a lot are sex repulsed. When I do get my rocks off to feet, I'm only most comfortable when what I'm doing is out of site from the girl's eyes, and I swear, the only suffering they'd have to endure is a badass foot massage. I'm really good at them too! Is that so bad?

Also, does this mean I'm not actually asexual? I know asexuality is a pretty big umbrella term, and I know only we can figure out what we are, but I'm being completely upfront and honest about everything about me in this regard. Knowing WHO you are is probably the single most important thing about living. I want to know WHAT you may think I am, and opinions are more than welcome. I know some are not that hung up on labels, but it's human nature to classify things, so this is very important to me. Personally, I would assume I identify as hetero-romantic asexual with gray tendencies, but wait, does fetish stuff even count as "gray tendencies?"

I feel I am SO confused right now and feel alone ALL over again! Please help!

Oh, and if asexuality is the "lack of sexual attraction," then what do you call this? THAT is the part that's confusing me.

[edited for spelling]

[Sugar Pain]

I'm sure other people would have different thoughts but I see fetish seperate from sexual attraction. So I don't think your asexual status is compromised. Usually people who have a sexual fetish, its normally an object, body part (which is called Partialism) or an act. Its not sexual attraction to an actual person but rather hair color, body part, etc. I also see it as being something mental rather than physical.

People who are into BDSM, those like to be tied up or be a slave, may want to have control taken away because they are usually in a position during the day that is stressful. They want the control they yeild in "real life" to be stripped from them. Others are just naturally submissive. Those that need to dominate, need to have someone under their control, maybe because they feel they have none in other areas of their life. Again, its different for everyone. Me, I've always been curious and I think I'd be a switch because while I can be submissive I don't have it in me to completely surrender and yet not completely dominate either. Depends on my mood.

A fetish is a mental satisfaction that sometimes is finished through physical release. I don't know if its like this for you but I mentally "get off" on stuff. I don't really physically but mentally I feel like something inside was satisfied.

A lot of people have fetishes and there is nothing wrong with having one. Unless of course it doesn't include the other person giving consent.

I'm rather new at the asexual stuff, but it sounds like you are asexual. Maybe others will have a different opinion. Whatever you feel most comfortable being, if you need a label-go for it. No two people are the same. Minds are built differently and so are their sexualities.

[FlaafyTaffy]

I feel like you (and many others) seem to have a lot of assumptions about what it means to be a sexual person. I don't think that sex for a sexual person is the ultimate act of love, it's a way to express love with your partner. It's a way to get release, it's a way to share something physical and something that feels good. But they also love to cuddle, have long talks, joke around, do romantic things. Many sexual relationships don't even have sex that often (from what I have heard from friends, unless they are lying haha.) There is SO SOOO much more to a sexual relationship and marriage than just sex. I have even personally been wondering about this myself. Like I have brought it up with people that are sexually active. Saying that I've never seen someone and immediately thought, "I'd like to have sex with that person" and they said neither have they. But they still find people attractive and they still enjoy sex.

I would say, you shouldn't let this confuse you or get you down. Maybe you are a little bit more in the gray area, maybe you are asexual and just happen to like feet, maybe you are asexual and your libido has a mind of it's own that doesn't want to work with what your heart and head really want. But I think the most important thing is, do you want to have sexual intercourse with someone at any point ever in a relationship? If the answer is no, then it doesn't really matter if you label yourself asexual and you "really aren't" or you label yourself as something else and you aren't 100% fitting into the category. You don't want sex, ever and that's just the way it is. The different labels and loop holes and qualifications for whatever sexual orientation don't really matter. You shouldn't need a label to define you. Regardless of whether or not you are asexual, in the gray area, sexual, demisexual, pansexual, whatever else sexual- you aren't alone. You aren't crazy or weird or different, there are 10000s of other people who feel just like you do and its normal and fine. Just go with what you want out of a relationship. Be clear about your lines and things you won't do. It will all be okay and work out (sorry to be repetitive, but) regardless of the label you put on yourself. If you need to put the label on yourself to help others understand where you are coming from, then do it-it's not going to matter, no one cares, no one is going to call you out on it and be like "OMG YOU ARE NOT ASEXUAL, YOU FAKER!"

[miqui]

I just do not understand why heterosexual people equate "sex" with "coitus". What do you think the rest of it *is*? To me what you're describing is a kind of sex.

I don't find it repulsive, just quirky. Actually I find it quirky and also kind of cute. I think I might actually find it adorable for someone I liked to just *sigh* long for me to please sit there so they can massage my feet and then watch them totally get off from it. ^_^ I also have very sensitive feet so that might even get me off too. ;) Definitely a cute fetish in my book. I'm sexual though so I would probably get bored eventually and want to do other things too besides getting a foot massage. :lol:

Anyway, like I've said, to me what you've described is sex. In general if people are defining themselves as asexual because they aren't interested in coital sex, I think it just shows the extent to which coital sex is so standardised as "SEX" that people cannot even imagine anything else as counting. I find that perplexing and honestly shocking. Do people really believe that there is no "sex" beyond penis/vagina intercourse? Mutual masturbation is sex, oral sex is sex, and masturbating while massaging someone's feet because that gets you off is sex, as far as I'm concerned. So I wouldn't consider myself asexual if I had your singular fixation, even if it is a singular one. I never considered myself asexual just because I'm not particularly interested in coitus.

[IPreferPieButOnlyKeyLime]

Hi TexAce. You replied to my post so I'll give you my two cents on yours. ;)

I actually have a foot fetish just like yours. (Ok, minor detail: Change the gender involved.) Anyway, if the interest is just in the fetish, everything I have read says it is still compatible with being ace. The important aspect is whether you are really into the person involved. If so, or if to a limited extent, etc., you would be somewhere in the gray area. Personally, I do have interests in the person involved, so that's how I ruled out being "full ace" for myself. So ask yourself if it's about being attracted to the person or just to the fetish independently, and you will know if you should bump yourself up to gray or not.

[Texace 12]

Okay. I've been doing some self-assessing on this. I think that it is an isolated thing and not tied into the person at all, because when I think about the feelings that my foot fetish makes me have while I'm down there, and then I imagine myself moving up north towards "more sexual areas," that sexual feeling goes away pretty fast.

I definitely don't want sex, I definitely don't like giving or receiving oral, and I never feel that sexual attraction for the person in general. I definitely thing I'm hetero-romantic asexual, but with an added gray-level desire for this fetish, because it IS sexual in nature. Whatever I am, I know being with another asexual would work out FAR better than being with a sexual since the asexual will not necessarily need anything sexual in return, yet if they share a similar gray desire to mine (not necessarily foot fetish, mind you) then I would be much more open to that grayness than the actual act of sex.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 8)

[bnguy]

I think you and I are a lot alike in some respects, I have a nose fetish myself, I cant separate the nose from the person's face but I can fixate on the nose and face and ignore the rest of the person,like you I don't think of sex with the person , but kissing, nose rubbing and cuddling all come to mind when fantasizing.

[Texace 12]

I think you and I are a lot alike in some respects, I have a nose fetish myself, I cant separate the nose from the person's face but I can fixate on the nose and face and ignore the rest of the person,like you I don't think of sex with the person , but kissing, nose rubbing and cuddling all come to mind when fantasizing.

Ah, yes.. I love rubbing noses with my partner, but... jeez... lately... my nose is HELLA greasy, so I try to avoid it! XD But I'd wash my nose JUST for her. ^_^

[781229]

I don't think fetishes are necessarily tied to attraction. I like to read Dr Who fan fiction that, er, may not be appropriate for little ones; I also really, really like pirates. (The romanticized "eye patch" kind, yes.) But at the same time, I'm just not very interested in actual sex.

Also, keep in mind that whatever you are feeling is totally natural and normal, and as long as you aren't hurting anyone (doesn't sound at all like you are) then it's all okay, no matter how strange you might feel that it is. :)

[LittleTommy]

I think this submissiveness is tied into the foot fetish on an emotional scale. Think about it; what's the lowest part of the body? Feet. And, feeling as I do, if I really like someone, what is the way I feel would be a way to express devotion to someone I like? Attention to the feet. It's not ALL about the feet though! I love to cuddle, lay in each others laps, play with each others hair, hug, and kiss. All those things are important to me.

I would agree with you in that it's a submissive thing.

Here's how I view my own BDSM desires, which involve me being hurt, and a small amount of foot massage and foot or toe licking:

Low self respect or guilt or self-hatred --> Desire to be subordinate to one greater than I, or who resembles someone I've wronged emotionally --> That person saying mean things to me, or hurting me, punching, kicking me, pulling my fair --> Me being very giving to them.

A question for you:

If you want to submit, does it make you more submissive if the person is less attractive or has less attractive feet?

[esc@pe]

I have foot fetish too but I don't need to make sex or I don't even desire sex. Furthermore, I love touching, cuddling, kissing, giving massages and so on. Nice to know there are people like me.

[1helluvabutlr]

I honestly do not think it makes you less asexual if you get aroused by certain things, I mean I have a libido myself although unlike you @ tex Sure, I love hands and I love collar bones and stuff like that but I am not sure if it's a sexual feeling towards it, yet I do know that when I see a human being I do not think like " oh I wanna have sex with them" but I do think " I wanna touch their hands or I wanna touch their collar bone." I mean it isn't like you are sexually attracted to them as you wanna have sex with them, I understand that part bc no matter how much I like the persona's collar bones or hands I would not see them and be like "oh let me have sex with this person." but of course I guess you can say I get aroused a bit at the sight of their collar bone or hands but it doesn't go past there.

[Styrash]

I also have kinda of a BDSM fetish! (I would have never admitted it if i had found this post haha)

But i really can say i would act upon it... or i don't know, i've never put in this situation. The idea is interesting (and kind of kinky), but i'm not sure where it comes from either, since i know i have a very low libido (if none at all).

So having a very low (if not) libido and having BDSM fetish is very confusing to me. I'm just as confused as most of you guys haha.

Here's how I view my own BDSM desires, which involve me being hurt, and a small amount of foot massage and foot or toe licking:

Low self respect or guilt or self-hatred --> Desire to be subordinate to one greater than I, or who resembles someone I've wronged emotionally --> That person saying mean things to me, or hurting me, punching, kicking me, pulling my fair --> Me being very giving to them.

But i think that what LittleTommy wrote makes a lot of sense to me too.

[newgirl]

I would check out fetlife (BDSM fetish community forum). The website has an asexual and other fetish group

https://fetlife.com/

[removed_member]

Hey buddy,

I'm in the same boat you're in. To me, when I get my foot fetish/submissive stuff on, it's a sensual act, not a sexual one.