Asexual Trying to Help Sexual Partner with Sex

[Leelian]

I put the topic here because I want to hear what the sexual partners have to say about helping my sexual boyfriend with sex. Before I begin, just a warning that there may be "too much information" here. I'm an asexual female and he's a sexual male, and we decided to try sexual intercourse for the first time. And when I say for the first time, I don't mean as in our relationship, we had no clue how it works. So we decided to try and "schedule" it in as part of a day spent together especially since it's hard finding quiet time alone together. He was delighted that I was interested in trying it. Before he had been here half an hour, we were trying to be sexually intimate. He said he was nervous and was having trouble staying aroused. After a bit, we decided it would be best to calm down and relax. Everything was going better as we ate some tasty food and watched a great movie, both of which seemed to calm us both down. It seemed like a good idea to try being sexually intimate, though to a "lesser degree," and for a while everything was more relaxed and natural, and without all the stress. Went well at first, but then the same thing happened.

Now, the attempts don't bother me and don't change how I think of him. What bothers me is how stressed out it has made him, and how it dampened the otherwise fun day for him. He felt better after a back rub and a quick nap brought out by the back rub, but it was still bothering him. He said that he felted embarrassed, even though I wasn't worried about it. And he has also mentioned this fear of it happening again and again to him for now reason, even though I calmly said that we would work on that.

I feel like we focused on the act so much that stressed him out and brought on the first problem, which then lead to the repeat of the problem. I'm sure our combined sexual inexperience had played a part as well. I realize that lose of erection can be a medical problem, but I think it was because of anxiety and stress. So basically, I don't know how to handle the situation.

[Touchofinsight]

I think your right that is performance anxiety right there. Most people don't generally plan out their sex nights or at least the better nights. I would just talk to him about making the first moves and preparing your self to be more open spontaneously. This might be a little nerve racking at first for you but I think if hes able to approach you at a time of his choosing all the pressure to succeed that he is building up for himself wont be as evident because he'll have control. I understand your time together is limited but I think that is the best way to approach this situation, especially since your young and this is both your first times. The first few times are always awkward. I am an asexual but I have had my own sexual experiences that I did for my partners in the past so I feel I can see this from multiple points of view relevant to your scenario.

Anyways

Best of luck

Touch!

[Sally]

Try not to take too much of this on, Leelian. It isn't unusual for a man to be upset if he becomes impotent during his first try. But although you feel bad for him (because he feels bad), you can't fix it for him, or even handle it. If you give him too much sympathy, it may have an opposite effect than what both of you appear to want: him feeling like you're trying to mother him. Maybe kind of ignoring it and leaving it up to him to suggest a repeat, meanwhile being loving as usual. In my experience, this kind of thing tends to be a little more ego-laden for men than for women. I'm asexual, but my husband and my long-time partner were highly sexual, and even they had trouble sometimes, and they both felt horribly embarassed by it. Talking about it doesn't really help.

[Mr Stranger]

Well, I have some experience that could be applied to a direct solution, but it's a bit explicit.

To help him relax and also prevent yourself from locking up you'll have to ease into it. I'll provide an example of how that might work. The general concept could be applied in any variation for hopefully similar results.

Sex does't start with the foreplay. There's an entire chapter that comes before that even starts, and is a bit more relaxed. You could, for example, watch a movie together, but instead of sitting side by side, lay on top of him. Treat him like he's the couch and snuggle up into his chest. This is just cuddle time, which should relax you both without any pressure. Avoid talking about sex at all for this part of the procedure; just relax and get comfortable with each other's bodies.

Next there will be time for some foreplay. Foreplay means the playing around before sex, not the "I'm ready, now do it," that you might have imagined. As the movie loses your attention, try tickling him. Run your fingers up and down the sides of his chest. Start with these more playful actions, and gradually move towards the more sensual. Kiss him if you're comfortable with that, and let your hands explore hid body. Avoid contacting his genital region at first. Run your fingers along his neck, collarbones, back, sides, and the insides of his legs, looking for his erogenous zones. A light, feathery touch with your fingers moving at a smooth and steady rate will yield the best results. If you notice him tremble or stretch when you touch and particular place, such as the top of his hips, then focus a little more attention there. Explore him with your hands until you find the places that he responds best to.

At this point the foreplay can become a little more intense. Invite him to take off your shirt, or stick your hands under his. By this time he should have developed an erection, but if he loses it at this stage it is no big deal. His groin is now fair play. Use your hands or any other part of your body you like to stimulate him through his clothes. You'll get particularly strong responses from the head, which is most sensitive. Once he's worked up to a point where he's panting and clutching at you it's time to take off the clothes.

With luck, this approach will remove some of the pressure. Feel free to deviate from the script at any point you like. If you seem too rigid about it, then he'll catch on to the fact that you're uncomfortable and that will be the end of it. Move at the pace that is comfortable for you. Being in the position of dominance this first time will let you go at your own speed while you work through your first encounter.

Good luck! <3

[Touchofinsight]

ahha so detailed mr. stranger kudos i figured i'd let them find out more naturally but hey a direct approach works too lol!

[Mr Stranger]

The funny thing is that I somewhat used this as an outlet. As an asexual male with a nymphomaniac partner, the approach I described is the one I wish she had taken. I would have felt so much safer. Instead, she forced sex on me, leaving me with the confusing emotional storm left by being raped by someone you trust.

[Guest]

Well, I have some experience that could be applied to a direct solution, but it's a bit explicit.

To help him relax and also prevent yourself from locking up you'll have to ease into it. I'll provide an example of how that might work. The general concept could be applied in any variation for hopefully similar results.

Sex does't start with the foreplay. There's an entire chapter that comes before that even starts, and is a bit more relaxed. You could, for example, watch a movie together, but instead of sitting side by side, lay on top of him. Treat him like he's the couch and snuggle up into his chest. This is just cuddle time, which should relax you both without any pressure. Avoid talking about sex at all for this part of the procedure; just relax and get comfortable with each other's bodies.

Next there will be time for some foreplay. Foreplay means the playing around before sex, not the "I'm ready, now do it," that you might have imagined. As the movie loses your attention, try tickling him. Run your fingers up and down the sides of his chest. Start with these more playful actions, and gradually move towards the more sensual. Kiss him if you're comfortable with that, and let your hands explore hid body. Avoid contacting his genital region at first. Run your fingers along his neck, collarbones, back, sides, and the insides of his legs, looking for his erogenous zones. A light, feathery touch with your fingers moving at a smooth and steady rate will yield the best results. If you notice him tremble or stretch when you touch and particular place, such as the top of his hips, then focus a little more attention there. Explore him with your hands until you find the places that he responds best to.

At this point the foreplay can become a little more intense. Invite him to take off your shirt, or stick your hands under his. By this time he should have developed an erection, but if he loses it at this stage it is no big deal. His groin is now fair play. Use your hands or any other part of your body you like to stimulate him through his clothes. You'll get particularly strong responses from the head, which is most sensitive. Once he's worked up to a point where he's panting and clutching at you it's time to take off the clothes.

With luck, this approach will remove some of the pressure. Feel free to deviate from the script at any point you like. If you seem too rigid about it, then he'll catch on to the fact that you're uncomfortable and that will be the end of it. Move at the pace that is comfortable for you. Being in the position of dominance this first time will let you go at your own speed while you work through your first encounter.

Good luck! <3

I don't get it, but maybe it's just me. So your suggestion is for them to have sex? If he's freaked out and nervous, he's freaked out and nervous. Yes, going slower than simply grabbing for the crotch is a good idea, but I don't typically assume people immediately grab for the crotch... I wouldn't say that's a common approach. I find it interesting that you assume that's what the OP did.

Stranger, I have to say, your constant interest in posting, and getting other people to post, sexually explicit material makes me wonder.

[Mr Stranger]

I don't get it, but maybe it's just me. So your suggestion is for them to have sex? If he's freaked out and nervous, he's freaked out and nervous. Yes, going slower than simply grabbing for the crotch is a good idea, but I don't typically assume people immediately grab for the crotch... I wouldn't say that's a common approach. I find it interesting that you assume that's what the OP did.

Stranger, I have to say, your constant interest in posting, and getting other people to post, sexually explicit material makes me wonder.

Well, I wouldn't say that this was genuinely explicit in a sexual way. It was explicit in a way that might make some people bush or become uncomfortable, hence the spoiler, but there is a reason I stopped before getting to anything about the sex itself. I only described a method of foreplay that might help and purposefully used technical terms so that no one would feel like I was trying to write erotica. It sounds to me like the OP is trying to have sex but is isn't working out and is here seeking council. Her compromise with her boyfriend is not working the way they want it to, and so I'm trying to offer some advice. I can't promise that the advice will be helpful, but nothing is lost in a failed attempt. Besides, isn't going at a metered pace the best way to work around someone's nervousness? They could stop at any time and just let it be. If it works, they have time to judge whether or not they want to press on.

-Possible trigger warning-

To be fair, my own experience does have a definite tint to it. Most of my sexual experience has come from rape. I hope you can imagine the sour taste that might have left behind. It is an unjustified habit, but I tend to assume a worst-case scenario whenever sex is involved. If you're citing my other threads, some of which do ask for explicitly sexual content, they are in the interest of my own defense. I have seen how some sexual act, and want to be prepared next time. The one sexual that I was the closest to betrayed me, which was not at all pleasant. Without any instincts to guide me, I seek advice and council from those who know more than I do. I expect that any sexual I attempt to have a relationship with in the future will want sex from me. Having some idea of what I could do instead of panic means that I'm less likely to get raped again. I'm trying to protect myself by learning methods that I could more easily consent to. It's hard for a victim of sexual crimes to do anything consensual, but I don't want to disappoint or drive away any possible future partner I could have.

Please don't misinterpret my goals. They might not always seem decent to an observer, but they make sense and are morally justified when the whole story is known. Since most of my problems are related to said past trauma, and I am here looking for help with my problems, it makes sense that any posts relating to them would entail sexual references. They have a purpose, a time, and a place; all of which I consider carefully before posting. Anyways, I really don't want to hijack this thread on behalf of my own issues. This is about Leelian's issues, not mine. Our focus should be helping her.

[Sally]

Mr. Stranger: I don't think it's appropriate to even mention rape -- no matter how it happened -- in a thread where someone's asking for advice with a situation that doesn't in the least way have anything to do with rape. That actually does sound like you're hijacking the thread. There's no reason to tell your whole story in this situation, nor is it "morally justified" to do so.

[Mr Stranger]

Mr. Stranger: I don't think it's appropriate to even mention rape -- no matter how it happened -- in a thread where someone's asking for advice with a situation that doesn't in the least way have anything to do with rape. That actually does sound like you're hijacking the thread. There's no reason to tell your whole story in this situation, nor is it "morally justified" to do so.

That was far from the whole story. If you feel that it is inappropriate then I can edit it out, or spoiler it at the least. I'll do that now, and then reevaluate based on the OP's opinion. Again, this is her thread, for her problems. There's no reason to quarrel among ourselves. I was only trying to be helpful, but it seems that I should refrain from posting further here. Nevertheless, I hope my input was useful and apologize for causing this little tizzy. Best of luck.

[Sally]

Mr. Stranger: I don't think it's appropriate to even mention rape -- no matter how it happened -- in a thread where someone's asking for advice with a situation that doesn't in the least way have anything to do with rape. That actually does sound like you're hijacking the thread. There's no reason to tell your whole story in this situation, nor is it "morally justified" to do so.

That was far from the whole story. If you feel that it is inappropriate then I can edit it out, or spoiler it at the least. I'll do that now, and then reevaluate based on the OP's opinion. Again, this is her thread, for her problems. There's no reason to quarrel among ourselves. I was only trying to be helpful, but it seems that I should refrain from posting further here. Nevertheless, I hope my input was useful and apologize for causing this little tizzy. Best of luck.

This isn't a quarrel or a tizzy. Rape is something serious to mention in any thread. It triggers stuff in a lot of people, and unless the thread concerns it, there's no reason to mention it.

[ChildfreeAggie]

Do you think your partner may be a sex-repulsed sexual?

Yes I know I may be biased by mentioning this since I am one myself, but your partner's reaction does sound a lot like my own. I can get pretty hot and heavy but once it appears that the line between possible intercourse and intimacy is getting REAL blurry (like clothes start coming off, certain suggestions are hinted at verbally), my self-control kicks in and I'll just stop; I won't go any further with the woman.

I'll either get real nervous because I know what's about to happen or I'll see something accidentally that I didn't want to see and I'll feel nauseous. Either way the fun for me stops real abruptly after a certain line starts getting crossed.

[Leelian]

Okay, first, time to get the topic back on track. Mr Stranger, I'd like to thank you for your input, however neither coercion nor force play a part in the dilemma. It seems to have upset some users.

Second, I'd like to thank you all for your responses, and I am sorry about my delay in responding. You all are pretty helpful. As SkulleryMaid suggested, we did not just immediately go for it, ans he was very nervous and anxious, excited, but anxious. Mr Stranger, your detailed post was interesting and I'll try making more time for both of us to be relaxed and have it be more natural, as Sally was getting at.

ChildfreeAggie, now that's interesting to bring up. We have been sexually intimate many times before during "manual sex," and he has been pretty relaxed even with clothes off. It could be that he may not be as "ready" as he originally thought. He got very frustrated at his dilemma and I'm sure that didn't help the problem.

One of the things that I have done since posting this was to talk to him about and calm him some, saying "I know this is rather cheesy and over used, but things like that will happen at least once to a man if he's lucky, more if he's not." He has been feeling better about the whole thing