Asexual Awakening

[Siggy]

Asexual Awakening

I was a bit put off by the images, but the article itself appears very positive. It prominently features quotes from Cleander and... who's Gemma Faulks? There was the obligatory doubting from a sex therapist, but it was immediately followed by:

...a reluctance to consider [asexuality] a valid identity could simply be a reflection of one's own sexual conditioning.

So yeah, take a look.

[JimmyKeepCool]

The itself article was very good. Thank you for posting it.

Of course, as with anything online, there were loads of stupid comments.

I really need to stop reading article comments, they almost always piss me off.

[Philip027]

who's Gemma Faulks?

That's proooooobably SpirallingSnowy. Don't quote me on that.

[Nightingale Nouveau Cirque]

That's a really great article.

But oh my god the comments. Even after people have had it explained to them some people still don't get it/don't want to get it/can't be bothered understanding or showing respect. Like JimmyKeepCool said, I should really stop reading internet article comments D: It gets me too worked up.

[Sennkestra]

who's Gemma Faulks?

That's proooooobably SpirallingSnowy. Don't quote me on that.

Yup, that's Snowy. And yeah, there's the usual stupid comments, but there's been some good ones too - and a couple of people have actually admitted that they were wrong or confused, which is a plus.

Although my favorite comment so far is this one:

None of this would be possible under a gold standard. under a gold standard the nuclear family and having lots of children would be very important. No welfare state = less misery

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/asexual-awakening-20120507-1y8n5.html#ixzz1uM41x0k3

'cause, you know, sexual orientations are totally based on currency systems. We should all be using gold coins, then we'd suddenly experience attraction!

[Doppel]

I was very surprised to see this when I was reading the news today at lunch. Fair fax media are in my opinion quite respectable in terms of the way they report things (compared to the Murdoch empires garbage). So I was very happy that this was shown also on SMH sister paper TheAge (my paper of choice) this is very good visibility (albeit mostly applies to Australia) I was seriously "what is this asexuality in my paper of choice, hell yes!". Great work to everyone involved in putting this together. Also there will always be stupid comments on the internet where ever you go.

Although my favorite comment so far is this one:

None of this would be possible under a gold standard. under a gold standard the nuclear family and having lots of children would be very important. No welfare state = less misery

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/asexual-awakening-20120507-1y8n5.html#ixzz1uM41x0k3

'cause, you know, sexual orientations are totally based on currency systems. We should all be using gold coins, then we'd suddenly experience attraction!

I think you will find this has very little to do with asexuality or sexuality in general and much more about Australian politics. The Australian budget was handed down yesterday and basically the government has given tons of concessions and payments to families, whilst leaving pretty much everyone who falls outside the traditional "nuclear family" in the wind. Still funny regardless because it has nothing to do with this article just a whinge. :P

[Estrid]

That article kinda made my day :)

I think it describes asexuality in a very accessible and comprehensible way.

I will refrain from reading the comments - no need to spoil my good mood ;)

[Faelights]

Really liked it, wasn't nearly as thrilled with the photos, I actually liked a few of the comments though. ^_^

[Jarndyce]

I also just saw this in The Age - one of the more respectable papers in the country - and came here to see if there was a thread on it yet. I was thrilled to see the article in the paper, but of course, some of those comments were incredibly... bigoted, for lack of a better word.

First time I've ever noticed something of the sort in Australian media, hopefully awareness of asexuality will gradually increase ^_^

[Guest member25959]

who's Gemma Faulks?

That's proooooobably SpirallingSnowy. Don't quote me on that.

I was thinking of someone else, but I believe it may be.

[Moonchaser]

Good article (though I agree about the images), and I hadn't seen the Atlantic article it linked to. Thanks for posting. :)

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Comment in the article:

asexual men do not exist.

asexual women are in the majority I'm sad to say.

Wow, I wish I knew where all these asexy women are. I'm dying for a girl who just wants to be cuddle buddies without trying to bang me after a few dates...

(Also, I made a couple of comments, under this nickname)

[5_♦♣]

"If you're masturbating, you're not Asexual, you're in denial". Ugh.

[EricK]

Although some of the comments were of the usual low standard, I think that overall there were fewer of them than is usually seen.

[Oxalis]

Thank you for the article. It was clear and concise, truthful about asexuality. I think it will be a good one to share with my friends and family.

[SpirallingSnowy]

Hi all, yup I'm the Gemma Faulks mentioned in there :)

I may not pop up on AVEN as much as i used to, but I'm definitely still part of the asexual community, and there may be more articles from Australia coming soon - i will keep you posted :)

Ironically, i hadn't told my fiancé about the article and i got a text msg from him going..... " huh, there is an article in the paper about asexuality, and you are in it " lol whoops i forgot to tell him :P He's a bit private so i probably should of.... but he didn't mind.

I was just given a bunch of questions and asked to answer them, and not all of them went in the article.... here are the questions and the answers i gave, if anyone is curious:

FOR FEMALE AVEN MEMBER - please supply name: Gemma

When did you first realize you were asexual?

in late 2006, when i was 24. I had made friends with a girl who was an admin on AVEN, and we compared ideas about administrating forums. I decided to check out her forum, AVEN and realised that 'asexual' described me. Before then, i hadn't heard it as a term to describe someones sexuality at all.

How do you personally broach (or how have you in the past) the topic of asexuality when you first start dating someone?

Its difficult to initiate with someone who doesn't know you very well, so sometimes the relationship has run its course before I've needed to broach the subject. When i worked out that i was asexual, i retroactively spoke to a couple of exes to explain some of my behaviour in those previous relationships - and i was met with some disbelief. Once i worked out i was asexual, i haven't really dated a whole lot. THose that i have dated its come up before the relationship has gotten to a point where sex becomes important. Usually once sex gets brought up is the best time to broach it, or before. I think the sooner you bring it up and be honest with someone, the better it is for your relationship, because you don't want to get emotionally invested, and them bring up asexuality. Better to be upfront and honest.

Do you think there are limitations asexuals face when it comes to relationships, marriage and having kids?

Limitations? No. Challenges? Yes. It depends on the persons attitude towards sex itself. Its one thing to not be sexually attracted to others, but whether the person is happy/willing/doesnt mind about having sex in the relationship is another challenge. Sometimes you find someone willing to compromise, who might not have a high sex drive/want, and other times you end up too incompatible. If an asexual is repulsed by sex, then they really need to be clear and honest with the people they are forming relationships with. Sex is seen as such an integral part of relationships that the idea that someone is repulsed by it does a lot of peoples heads in.

Marriage - not an issue. If you are honest with your partner and they know you and love you for who you are, and you them, and you trust each other, then that is what matters - sexual orientation doesn't. YOu have to make sure you are both on the same page, know what you are getting yourself into, and understand that the other person isn't perfect and has faults. If 2 people are compatible enough that it works, then why not? Sex isn't necessarily a part of marriage if the married couple are an asexual couple.

With having kids, the biggest issue is asexuals who are repulsed by sex will obviously struggle with the usual method of having kids, however there are other methods to becoming pregnant.

What are the biggest misconceptions about asexuals, generally speaking?

That all asexuals hate sex - Not true, there are some asexuals who don't really mind either way- sex just doesn't register on their radar as important, but as part of their relationship they are don't mind having sex sometimes.

That if you don't want sex as much as the other person there is something wrong with you - Again not true, everyones sex drive/attraction levels are different, even within heterosexual and homosexual couples.

How can you want a relationship if you don't like/want sex? Relationships and sex are not as intermeshed as people want them to be. How many people have one night stands? Those are supposedly emotionally meaningless excuses for sex? THere are a million different reasons why people have sex, just as there are a million different reasons people don't want sex. Even within hetero/homo sexual relationships there are tonnes of reason to or not to have sex. Being asexual doesn't mean you cant love someone, it doesn't mean you don't want to be close, get married, have kids. Its purely a description of who you are attracted to sexually, thats it.

Is there any representation of asexuality in pop culture? As the norm is hyper-sexualised -- and inane, Sex and the City for example -- do you struggle with or resent the lack of representation? And why?

There is a little representation of asexuality in pop culture. There was a Patient Of The Week in Season 8 of House - although the asexuality there got pathalogicised even after Wilson commented that it was legit.

There was also a character on NZ's Shortland Street, Gerald.

I do resent the lack of representation, although i do understand how the world works, and that asexuals are a minority. I find that when we are represented in pop culture, often ( but not always) Asexuality gets pathalogisied, as though it needs fixing.

If you had one bit of advice for someone who didn’t feel very sexual and felt it made them ‘less than’ what would it be?

Don't beat yourself up, give yourself a hug, you are not alone in the world and there are people out there who have felt like that. Sex is just 1 thing that people can do or enjoy in a relationship, it is not the only thing, and it certainly isn't the most important. It is possible to have fulfilling relationships and not feel very sexual. If you feel it needs fixing, by all means seek out help from a health professional, but you are not broken in any shape or form.

[Jarndyce]

Nice responses. Please do keep us in the loop WRT other Australian media on the subject!

[Maiandra HW]

Not bad. In fact, very good article, overall. Nice to see.

My only main criticism of it (and it's a small one) is that at the end, the article seems to equate libido with sexuality: "But with increased recognition and visibility and the formation of support groups such as AVEN, Faulks says things are improving, and offers advice for those with a low or non-existent sex drive." Well, I guess I can't speak for everyone (though I think what little research that has been done on asexuality suggests that I'm not an anomaly), but I'm asexual, and I definitely have a healthy sex drive. It's just not directed at anyone or anything.

Also, the comment by the sex therapist frustrated me, not so much because of what she specifically said (actually, I'd be interested to read the research she paraphrased), but rather because it reminded me of how people don't get a concept that I really don't think is that hard to get if they just took the time to think about it a little. It's like, say you're straight. You know how you feel about the same sex? Well, that's how I feel about both (all) sexes and genders. Why is it so hard to comprehend that some people don't sexually like people of any sex, when at the same time not liking one of the sexes is completely understandable? I get that asexuality is relatively new vernacular, but it's really not that complicated of a concept. What about it is so difficult for apparently so many people--judging by the comments--to understand?

[SpirallingSnowy]

I also just saw this in The Age - one of the more respectable papers in the country - and came here to see if there was a thread on it yet. I was thrilled to see the article in the paper, but of course, some of those comments were incredibly... bigoted, for lack of a better word.

First time I've ever noticed something of the sort in Australian media, hopefully awareness of asexuality will gradually increase ^_^

There have been a few others, notably this on Triple J Hack TV a couple of years ago:

( yup I'm in it!)

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/10/24/1098556297656.html

http://web.archive.org/web/20050114211157/http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/socialissues/031_western_sex_goes_full_circle/

There has also been an interview a few years ago with Womens Weekly that never went to print, and also Madison magazine - a freelance journalist has done interviews for it but i don't know if it went to print yet - interviews were done earlier this year.