Justified or unjustified guilt

[techsavvy2]

I hope I post this in the right place.

Hey guys and gals. I have been twisting and turning on the subject of asexuality for some time. My fiance brought it to my attention after she saw something off of another forum. She came up to me one day and said "guess what! i'm asexual, I finally found a label" Confused I just kinda said okay. I wasn't sure what this all means at the time. I just knew that something in her turned off like a light switch after we had a bad falling out about 2.5 almost 3 years ago now. What brings me here is I am having a very hard time w/ this subject. I havn't come to terms w/ if she really did just suddenly become asexual or is there something else going on. I feel extremely guilty and depressed alot when I think of our relationship. I have mixed emotions. What makes my title of this thread is if she is truly asexual (I def am not) I feel extremely torn apart when I think of her sexually now. I feel guilty if I bring the subject up. I bothers me alot because I didn't change from where we were physically to were we are physically now.

I tried to talk about this a few times but I just have a hard time (I guess trusting this is true).. If, however it is true it really rips me because I feel like a monster asking or wanting sex from someone who truly cannot feel the same way about it as I do.

Now let me take you guys back 2.5 to 3 years ago, well even more back. . . .

We started dating little over 4 years ago. When we met the sparks flew like crazy. You know her eyes could melt me like butter in a hot skillet. The touch of my had sent butterflies throughout her body. Just story book in love. We come now to call this our "honey moon phase". Like most relationships as time progressed we found deeper connections, likes and dislikes. Later we moved in together. Life was amazing. Still very in love. Life felt perfect.... Our sex life was great. It wasn't me always starting it, we both did. I would be the one to start the spark some day other days she would be the one. For example it wasn't just (honey can we have sex tonight). It was always that fun flirt, like she would pinch me on the cheek of my butt and say you should come to be early tonight w/ a wink.. Anyways long story short we had a pretty normal sex life.

Then we get to the events of 2.5 almost 3 years ago now. We start to feel distance and detached. I kinda knew we would hit a ruff patch at some point because we both are at home and around each other many many hours of the day. I work from home for my company and she does odd end jobs so she works from home also. We both used to work in my office while we worked.

Then I noticed she started locking her self in her room and being distance then stand offish . It felt strange.

Im cutting to the chase.I found out she was having an emotional affair w/ an old friend of her that happen to let his feeling slip when she told him that she was worried about me falling out of love with her. This guy fed her all the right words and swept her off her feet. She started to fall for him.

I found out one day as she left her laptop open on the bed and I walked in and just looked down. I saw they had been talking about a relationship and sending photo's (not the kind you show momma') They talked about being together (in the sexual manner). I was furious as I didn't see it coming. I just thought we were both stressed from work not that she had been cheating on me over the internet.

I brought it up and I made her go stay at her sisters because I needed time to think. They both came over we talked about it and she confessed to everything. She said we both became so detached w/ work and life it felt nice to have someone falling in love w/ her again and it felt good to have that spark again. She wrote this guy a long email confessing it was a mistake and she got caught up in the heat of the moments and that she had made a mistake.

Later on her and I worked out our difference's.

We grew back together and our emotional connection was and is very strong. She never talked to that guy again and she has never been dishonest w/ me again. We started to feel normal again.. Normal in every aspect except our sex life. A year after what happend I started to talk to her about this because we just never had sex much at all after that. She kept up w/ the normal answers I dont feel good's up to im on my period. Now almost 3 years later she up to me and tells me she is asexual. I said so this means no sex ever? she said well no but I just wanted you to know this is who I am.

From that point we dont really have sex ever. I got to the point of not even asking. Partly because im confused and partly because I feel to guilty when I think about it. I feel like im a monster of sorts.

So why am I here? ? ? Well is this guilt normal if she is "true asexual". I feel bad that I have a doubt in my mind about it. I just can't shake if she is asexual and feeling like a monster. I also cant help but to feel guilty to wonder if she is asexual or not? Does this make sense? Is this a normal feeling?

I guess I question this because she used to be the aggressor in sex before her affair, even w/ the affair they talked very detailed of the things they wanted todo and the naughty pictures... This makes me question being a true asexual or if she just lost her attraction to me sexually.

Anyways I will stop rambling. I hope someone can give me a little advice or light on the subject. Im pretty torn up about this.

[zoidberger]

First off, and welcome!

You should probably check out the Sexual, Friends, and Allies forum. You'll find that it has quite a few stories of mixed sexual/asexual relationships and some of the attempts and successes as far as dealing with the situation from both points of view.

What I think you should probably do is sit down with your partner and have a conversation about what being asexual means to her. Don't go in doubting whether she is asexual or not, but more with the idea in mind that you want to know what this means for your sex life and what it has meant for how you two have behaved in the relationship as a whole. I get the sense that you're coming from the point of view that she is or has lied to you again and that you cannot trust her. While I understand that feeling, be careful, that feeling alone can rip you apart.

Ask her to explain how she feels about you and what sex means to her. Asexuals come in many different types. AVEN's definition is essentially just not experiencing sexual attraction (which many feel is a tough concept in itself to understand). Most mixed relationships work out some form of compromise so that each partner feels comfortable in the relationship and there can be some form of ground rules to prevent guilt and excessive turn downs from asking for sex.

Essentially, you really do need to talk to your partner. Listen to what she says and ask what you need to ask to ensure that you don't feel guilty asking for or having sex. You'll come across some threads on AVEN where you'll find that compromise can be difficult, but nothing is impossible. You just have to figure out what's right for you... or ultimately if the relationship is no longer right for you (don't do this without clearly understanding what she feels/thinks first though!).

Good luck!

[MinusCelsius]

Frankly, she doesn't sound like a typical asexual. She clearly felt sexual attraction to you earlier in your relationship, and to that online guy. I know that I prefer long distance/online relationships because they are bound to be platonic and I don't have to actively evade sexual things. Taking and mailing naughty pictures and talking about things they want to live out indicates sexual attraction and desire. It is way too easy to NOT do these things (i.e. "sorry, my camera is broken" - "can't find the cable"... these 'excuses' are a lot easier online than in rl) to say they "just happened" or someone "felt pressured" to do them and didn't really want it/only did it to make a partner happy. I had real life and online relationships, and I know for sure that, no matter how close you are with someone online, there is a huge difference between having a disappointed/hurt/angry partner face to face, or having someone typing ":(" in a chat or mail.

Seeing how she pointed out the feeling of being in love, my best guess would be that she is demisexual and her sexual desire and attraction is tied to the emotional closeness. She was very attracted to you when you started dating, and had a normal sex life while you were happy together; and she was attracted to a guy she had an emotional affair with; that's 2 out 2 instances that would be typical for a demisexual person. Including the "falling out of love" and losing sexual attraction again.

[techsavvy2]

Frankly, she doesn't sound like a typical asexual. She clearly felt sexual attraction to you earlier in your relationship, and to that online guy. I know that I prefer long distance/online relationships because they are bound to be platonic and I don't have to actively evade sexual things. Taking and mailing naughty pictures and talking about things they want to live out indicates sexual attraction and desire. It is way too easy to NOT do these things (i.e. "sorry, my camera is broken" - "can't find the cable"... these 'excuses' are a lot easier online than in rl) to say they "just happened" or someone "felt pressured" to do them and didn't really want it/only did it to make a partner happy. I had real life and online relationships, and I know for sure that, no matter how close you are with someone online, there is a huge difference between having a disappointed/hurt/angry partner face to face, or having someone typing ":(" in a chat or mail.

Seeing how she pointed out the feeling of being in love, my best guess would be that she is demisexual and her sexual desire and attraction is tied to the emotional closeness. She was very attracted to you when you started dating, and had a normal sex life while you were happy together; and she was attracted to a guy she had an emotional affair with; that's 2 out 2 instances that would be typical for a demisexual person. Including the "falling out of love" and losing sexual attraction again.

Demisexual, thats yet another term i havn't heard but from what you said sounds almost like you hit a nail on the head. We have sat down a few times and talked about this or atleast tried. She mostly runs from the topic and I am left confused and frustrated by this.

@zoidberger I def see what you mean as it seems im more worried about being lied to. I thought about this emotion for awhile. I don't know that im as worried about her lieing and betraying me as much as im just worried about things. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of what I called a light switch. I do recall a conversation her an I had awhile ago when I first noticed things had changed in the bed room. She told me she doesn't like sex she doesn't think about sex, its not something she wants, never has she just did it because it was something "woman" were "supposed" todo. This tore me apart. That is what really triggered my downfall of emotions so to speak.

I started off w/ B.S. something is up and I started to question if she was cheating again (she had not been and is not). She just didnt want to have sex anymore. So this keeps a plauge of is it with me or is this at all.

Back @ MinusCelsius this brings up your intersting theory of Demisexual. This seems to make sense of things. Im still not all to sure what it all means but that does sound solid.

I guess all in all I can pin point this all happening to a date.. Thats what brings my doubt about the claims of being asexual to question.

I hope this makes sense.

[zoidberger]

The thing with demisexuality is that it involves no sexual attraction to anyone unless you are in a romantic relationship. Then (from what I understand) you are completely sexual just as any other normal sexual once within that relationship.

It sounds pretty clear that she's not into sex. The next step is really to see if there is room for compromise (or if you are alright with compromise even if that was an option). Definitely take a look at some of the threads here: For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

With this new-found identity, both of you need to re-align yourselves to get a good idea of what each of you can offer and what is important for the relationship.

[5_♦♣]

Seeing how she pointed out the feeling of being in love, my best guess would be that she is demisexual and her sexual desire and attraction is tied to the emotional closeness. She was very attracted to you when you started dating, and had a normal sex life while you were happy together; and she was attracted to a guy she had an emotional affair with; that's 2 out 2 instances that would be typical for a demisexual person. Including the "falling out of love" and losing sexual attraction again.

A demisexual only experiences sexual attraction after developing a close emotional bond with someone. From the OP, it sounds like she experiences immediate (primary) sexual attraction.

[zer0karma]

Personal opinion here: I don't think you need to feel guilty about anything. It sounds as though you care about her very much and are all too willing to compromise. Asexuality in relationships goes both ways. If she truly is asexual and this isn't just her justification for not being sexually attracted to you personally, then there must be open communication and compromise between you two on this matter. It is completely unfair for her to expect you to give up your sexuality just because she wants you to. That's not how a relationship should work. On the other hand she may be going through a very hard time herself with this discovery and if that is the case then she will need your support and understanding of her feelings now more than ever.

I have experienced this from the other perspective. I was in a relationship with a girl I cared deeply about, however it was before I had come to the conclusion that I was asexual. I felt trapped because she expected me to have sex with her and I felt that I couldn't tell her my true feelings about sex because I thought she would take it the wrong way, thinking it was her fault or that she was unattractive. In the end we became more and more distant from each-other. She became sexually frustrated with me and I began to make excuses to avoid sex. I think she may have ended up cheating on me as well, although I have no proof of that. Eventually she dumped me because at the time I did not have the willpower to be honest to her or myself.

The point is, if your girlfriend really is just realizing her asexuality, then she may be having just as much difficulty coming to terms with it as you are. She may feel guilty that she is not able to give you what you want.

You are not a monster. You are trying to do the best you can to work things out, and I really hope you are able to.It all comes down to honest communication, support, and acceptance. She may not be ready yet to compromise, but if she sees that you are doing your best to be supportive of her then I think that she will eventually.

[ithaca]

Moving this thread from Asexual Musings and Rantings to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

[Guest]

Seeing how she pointed out the feeling of being in love, my best guess would be that she is demisexual and her sexual desire and attraction is tied to the emotional closeness. She was very attracted to you when you started dating, and had a normal sex life while you were happy together; and she was attracted to a guy she had an emotional affair with; that's 2 out 2 instances that would be typical for a demisexual person. Including the "falling out of love" and losing sexual attraction again.

A demisexual only experiences sexual attraction after developing a close emotional bond with someone. From the OP, it sounds like she experiences immediate (primary) sexual attraction.

Agree. She doesn't sound asexual to me, it sounds more like she just lost whatever spark she had for you. :( We tend to think that love and attraction always go hand in hand, but they don't. That may be confusing her right now... she loves you, so if she doesn't feel that spark she must be asexual, right? But no, life isn't actually that simple.