Sexual Partners! I need mixed relationship help!

[I-Had-Roses]

Thanks for your help!

[Guest]

I think his answer to you was excellent. He'll try but he can't promise anything. I'm going to be honest here... the likelihood that he'll be able to have sex with you next time is probably small. A lot of pressure has been put on it and that could ruin the whole thing.

As for not wanting to be celibate. I try to be very clear on AVEN that I wouldn't stay with my partner if we didn't have sex. When I say that I mean it... I would leave the relationship. I wouldn't bully her, I wouldn't live a life of misery for years first... I would just leave the relationship. The thing is, it doesn't entirely matter if you don't want to be celibate, because you have another person that you have to account for. If he won't have sex, you really have no choice but celibacy or break-up. Me, I'd go with break-up. The worst option to choose is option 3... the "I hope they'll change" option. That's bad news for everyone.

But it sounds like your boyfriend wants to compromise! That's awesome! I would take everything he says at face value unless and until you have reason not to. he says he wants to compromise and he says he wants to try to have sex. There's not much more he can promise right now since you guys haven't even started yet. Be aware that pressure is a big deal with a lot of asexuals... unlike us, they don't feel that sexual desire, so they have no internal motor that turns on and revvs up. They often don't notice when our engines are starting to revv... at least not until we're already all hot and bothered. That puts a lot of pressure on the asexual to be constantly aware and looking for signs of sex. Signs that they aren't good at reading and signs they don't have any real interest in reading.

From what I've seen, most mixed couples on AVEN have fallen upon some sex instigation methods that work for them. You guys are going to have to find out what works for you. It seems most couples use the "asexual initiates" method. My partner and I do. It's just easier... if I try to initiate, it freaks out my partner because she was (understandably) not thinking about or prepared for sex, and then suddenly feels pressure to perform. If I leave it open to her, she can make that decision and it takes pressure off of her. Sometimes we'll do a two-tiered approach, where she'll say "I'm open to having sex tonight" and that lets me know that I can initiate (within reasonable boundaries).

You guys will have to talk a lot and not be too afraid of hurting each other's feelings. The other day my partner said, off the cuff, "you'd freak out if you knew what I thought about during sex". I asked her to tell me, she said no, she didn't want to hurt my feelings... finally I convinced her that I'd rather know the truth, so she told me. It was no big deal! her mind wanders to thinking about the cats, and dinner, and what color sheets we should buy next time, and if it's too late to drink caffeine before bed. It didn't hurt my feelings at all because I already accept that she loves me, so her lack of desire doesn't make me feel less loved (usually... you'll continue to have bad days and bad nights and sometimes you'll feel pretty down about it all... best you can do is try to maintain perspective).

Anyway. Trial and error is the method to use here. You'll try options and eventually you'll figure out what makes him feel pressured and what relieves that pressure. You'll learn who is better at initiating. You'll learn under what conditions he is more open to sex, and he'll learn to start reading your body language so he can be better equipped to see your amorous advances coming. There's no magic answer except to be open, honest, and willing to make some mistakes. Don't worry about scarring him... or, conversely, tell him you're worried about scarring him, and maybe he'll have some ideas on how to ease your mind.

[The Great WTF]

The first thing you need to understand is that, to him, to most asexuals, sex is not and never will be important. We lack that emotional connection between love and sex and that's the hardest part about it. I've been with a sexual for two and a half years and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the idea of sex and love having any kind of connection at all. You have to keep this in mind or you may find yourself being disappointed in him for not being able to reciprocate that feeling if and when you do have sex.

There are asexuals who can and will compromise on sex (I'm one of them) but it's not something you want to pressure them into. I've seen a lot of asexuals grow to resent sex (and by default their partners as well) because of that. If he's willing to try, then just talk to him about it. Ask him what speed he's comfortable going at, what things he might or might not be comfortable with, when and what he'd be willing to try. Everything, absolutely everything, revolves around communication. Make sure he knows that you're not going to hold it against him if he asks you to stop or slow down.

And, keep in mind, much as you might not want it, you have to consider the possibility of celibacy. Chances are, he'll be willing to meet you halfway and try to have sex and continue to do so, but you also have to be prepared for the possibility that, for whatever reason, it won't work.

[henryd]

If you're already in love with this person, I can see why you would want to work it out.

But if you're not and sex is important to you, why would you pursue it?

Consider yourself lucky to learn this in the beginning.

My advice, as someone in a mixed relationship, let that person find another asexual person to be happy with and find someone who you are compatible with.

[Wineblood]

I'm not great expert on mixed relationships, but I'll offer my advice as the ace-ish one (actually I'm demi) when I first had sex, hopefully some stuff in there is useful.

My first time I was very nervous and reticent to initiate much. I had no idea how to go about it and unlike my sexual partner, I didn't have that urge I could just follow. Rather than her taking charge, she let me explore and try things on my own first. I think it would have been hard to say stop if it meant stopping someone who was really getting into it.

Another thing was that the first few times we didn't have PiV sex. It tended to be more me getting comfortable with some stuff, then going a bit further the next time and so on until we got to actual sex. Everyone is different and his comfort zone might be different. It's okay to let him know you have a desire for more, just don't make it sound like that's what should happen.

My last piece of advice would be on how to act afterwards. I don't know how sexuals feel after and I tend to have that image from TV/films where two people just lie in bed looking up and not talking/smoking. I felt a bit exposed/vulnerable after so try to be attentive to that if needed.

Hope that helps.

[I-Had-Roses]

If you're already in love with this person, I can see why you would want to work it out.

But if you're not and sex is important to you, why would you pursue it?

Consider yourself lucky to learn this in the beginning.

My advice, as someone in a mixed relationship, let that person find another asexual person to be happy with and find someone who you are compatible with.

I've had that thought, but we're both too far gone now to end it. He's been my best friend for over a year, and we've been officially dating for five months. If leaving was an option for either of us, I'd consider it. I once breached the thought with him, and he got so upset, I don't think I could take it either. We're both too dependent on each other. The only difficulty is sex, which we haven't even started yet.

I'm not great expert on mixed relationships, but I'll offer my advice as the ace-ish one (actually I'm demi) when I first had sex, hopefully some stuff in there is useful...

That's amazingly helpful, and a great idea. I won't worry about being attentive afterwards, as that's in my nature anyway. THANK YOU!

I think his answer to you was excellent. He'll try but he can't promise anything. I'm going to be honest here... the likelihood that he'll be able to have sex with you next time is probably small. A lot of pressure has been put on it and that could ruin the whole thing.

I picked this break specifically because there's such a long pause. We have a month and a half until I get there, and I'll be there for nearly a month, I thought that would be enough time to talk about and process everything separately, and then have a closer conversation while I'm there. If he needs more time, I'll give it to him gladly. And I agree, I was happy when he said he'd compromise, I'm mostly worried about how to go about doing it. I think the suggestion about letting him tell me when he's ready is fantastic, and I'll probably make that suggestion to him. That also removes the fear from me that I'm going to work up the guts and get rejected.