Someone please help me (long story!)

[Saffishly]

Alright, so I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. I was 18 and he was 32. We fell in love instantly, and after our first date we went away for the weekend together. We stayed in a hotel.. and we had sex the first night (though it was horrible and seemed awkward). Then, when we came back, he asked me to sleep at his house and I said yes. I never ended up leaving his house, and a month later I moved in with him. We didn't really have alot of sex.. but we sometimes would.

Well, as time went on, that sex diminished to less and less each week, and then it ended up being only once a month.. sometimes once every 2 months. We would only have sex when I got angry and complained. And I, being young and not understanding anything, kept TELLING him that he was gay and that's why he didn't want to have sex with me. Or that he was crazy and that there was something wrong with him. That he was stupid.

We had the perfect relationship outside of sex. Well, he was perfect. I was not. I was horrible to him. I controlled him, used him, physically mentally and emotionally abused him, etc etc etc. I was a horrible person before, and was struggling with alcholism and was too immature and stupid to care about anything but myself.

Finally, he told me he was Asexual. I told him that it was bullshit and that he was gay and I wasn't going to be used as a cover, so I was leaving.

That was after we had been together for 3 and a half years, and we had been planning to get married, buy a house, and spend our lives together.

I was young and stupid.

So I left him. The perfect guy who did everything for me, who supported me through everything, who loved me more then anyone else in this entire world.. because I thought he was gay because he wouldn't sleep with me.

That was last February.

I found someone else right away and moved in with him, leaving my ex behind. Me and my new boyfriend had sex every single day. We couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. We THOUGHT we were in love.

It was also the same month that I quit drinking. So me and my new boyfriend were together and we were happy in the beginning, and then he turned out to be mentally unstable.. suffering from paranoia and bipolar. He started controlling my life, mentally and emotionally abusing me, etc etc.. my life was hell.

I emailed my ex in May telling him I was sorry for leaving him.. that if he didn't want to talk to me, i'd understand.. because I wouldn't talk to me either. I mean, I told him for 3 and a half years that I would marry him, never leave him, and spend my life with him.. then I told him he was gay and left him for another guy.

But he STILL wanted to talk to me. And he STILL loved me. And he would STILL do anything for me. He told me I was his soulmate. That he NEEDED me. I said I would be his friend because I already had a boyfriend. So we stayed as friends.. but every day I found myself crying, wishing that I could go back. Hating myself for being so stupid.

So my relationship with my new boyfriend was completly about sex and control. He used me, he stole my money, he forced me to pay for everything, he got me fired from my job, he made me get into arguements with my family and friends.. and finally, everyone I knew turned away from me and told me that they didn't want to talk to me as long as I was with him.

I left him in July, but only for a day.. and then I went back. He then propsed the week after. I said yes. My ex heard about this from my father (who is a blabbermouth), and he called me up crying on the phone.. begging me not to do it. Saying he'd crash my wedding.. that he'd do anything to have me back.

But, I was still stupid.. and I didn't see that my new boyfriend was just using me. I believed when he said he loved me. I believed when he said we were soulmates. He even had a way of turning things around to make them SEEM like they were my fault. He was an expert at playing with people's heads.

And in August, me and my ex went for breakfast one morning, and he looked at me and asked if he could ask me a question, even though it may hurt me. I said yes. He asked me when I stopped loving him. I said never, and started crying. And he held me in his arms.

My ex was the one that I always called every single time me and my new boyfriend got into a fight. Or every time I needed advice, felt lonely, or didn't know what to do. He was the only one who understanded me. The only one I truly loved.

So things with my new boyfriend started getting worse. He began physically abusing me, and i'd fight back. He pushed me to be that horrible person that I was before. I began throwing things at him, screaming at him, saying hurtful things.. that was not me anymore! I never wanted to see that part of me again. He also began humiliating me in public, screaming at me until i'd cry in the bus and metro (subway), and controlling me. Yet he'd always appogize, blame it on his bi-polar.. and would call me a selfish unsupportive bitch when I said that it was bullshit.

So in december we got into this HUGE fight, and he said that the relationship was over. That he was leaving me. He said it so many times before, but I always begged him to take me back. This time, I did as well, but he said no.. it was over. So I left work. I walked out of my shift (and could have got fired..) because I was crying and I couldn't work. I walked to a highway overpass and decided that I would jump off and end my life once and for all. (It was years that I was suffering from depression).

But I tried to make a few phone calls before I died to say goodbye. Maybe to see if someone, anyone, could help me. My mom was not talking to me because of an arguement we had had over my new boyfriend, and she said that she would never talk to me again as long as I was with him. I called her 14 times at 3 am.. she did not answer at all. I then called my dad, who yelled at me because he was sleeping and hung up on me. I then tried to call my ex, but it was a few days that his phone service was cut off because of a late payment. I truly was alone.

So I called my boyfriend, and told him to give my stuff and my ferret to my dad. That to make sure that my ferret was taken care of, because I was going to kill myself. He then told me that I was stupid.. and that if I didn't go back right now he was going to kill my ferret. He'd throw her in the icy water at the river and watch her freeze to death and drown. He was sick. He was horrible. I knew he would do it.. so I had to go back. I couldn't let another person suffer because of my stupid mistakes. I already hated myself for what I did to my ex!

So I went back, my boyfriend appologized and blamed everything on his bipolar again.. and I said it was okay and pretended everything was fine. Really though, I knew that I had to get out of there. I didn't believe him anymore. I knew he was manipulating and using me. I knew that he was an asshole. The only thing we ever had that kept me blinded the whole entire 8 month relationship was sex. It was sex that he used against me. Making me want it so bad that I stayed there for it. It was the best sex I had ever had.. but definatly not worth the price.

So I started slowly packing my things without him noticing, pretended to my coworkers and family that our relationship was perfect.. and then christmas eve, I told him I was leaving him. He called me a bunch of names, screaming at me while I was working, telling me that I used him (hahaha.. I still laugh at this one), and that I was a horrible person (which I was BEFORE, not anymore).

And christmas morning my ex called me to tell me his phone was working and to find out how I was, and I told him that I was leaving my boyfriend. He asked me where I was going. ....I hadn't even thought of that! Nobody was talking to me anymore. I had nowhere to go. I kind of hesitated and then said ''I'm not too sure.. maybe a friend's house or something''.. and then he asked me to come back. He told me he missed me. That he wanted to be with me. That he always and still loved me.

So I did. I went back! It was what I had been wishing for for the past 5-6 months. For a second chance with the greatest guy in the world.. to try and fix things. So it's been 4 months now that I've been back.. and the relationship is PERFECT... except for the missing sex part! Now I already knew that he was asexual.. but since I had so much sex (every day, sometimes even several times per day) and so much human contact (like 16 hours per day!), I now find myself crying every day and feeling alone. Every time we go to bed and he holds me, I think of sex. I find sex to be a very important part of a relationship.. and I am a very sensitive person.. and I need sex to feel a connection to my partner.

But I KNEW he was asexual already.

But now I feel alone, unwanted, and sad. I have been upsetting him because I am so upset. And he told me that he will try and make an effort for my sake.. but I am still crying every day. It has been 4 months I have not had sex.. and I really do need it to be happpy. I feel like something important is missing.. and I am constantly sad and feel unwanted and alone.

We do have the PERFECT relationship though! And he tells me he loves me, hugs me, kisses me, holds my hand, etc. Everything else other then sex.

And he said that he would put and effort in to try and have sex for my sake..

But now im wondering, am I only feeling like this temporarily because I had so much sex and human contact for 8 months.. and now my body is in ''shock'' from having basically nothing the past 4 months? Like, will this phaze pass.. and will I be less sad, and not cry every single day?

And he keeps SAYING he'll TRY to make an effort.. but he doesn't.

So, what can I do to help support him, while trying to keep my sanity?

I know that I WILL be with him forever, regardless of it I ever have sex again or not, because I love him and he loves me.. but it's just that I am very upset and can't stop crying because I feel unwanted and alone!!!

[Lia]

I honestly think that some therapy (both individual and couples) is in order here. You've certainly been through a lot, and you never had a chance to properly deal with what his being asexual would mean for you in a relationship. And I don't think that he ever thought it would be such an issue for you (because, really, a lot of asexuals just cannot comprehend why sex would be SO important to anyone). Try to talk to him about therapy and see how he feels about it. I think that it would really be helpful for you both.

[HMS Mole]

How much have you stressed to him about needing sex? Honestly I think if you had him read this thread he might be closer to understanding, it's true that it is very hard for aces to comprehend the emotional needs that sex satisfies. Also, have you suggested to him that you two could start small and gradually build up to sex, for example, he could watch you get yourself off, then try it himself using his hands. Give him very clear indications of what you like, what he should do, when you want it to happen, etc (aces are pretty much terrible at trying to anticipate their sexual partners' needs and it can make us feel resentful and overwhelmed). And over time he might be willing to do the whole full-blown sex thing. He might be afraid he won't live up to your (jerkass!) ex in terms of sexual prowess and that you will be disappointed or think less of him for it. You say the sex was awkward and horrible back when you first got together, I'm sure he knows he isn't great at it (and why would he be, if he has no interest in it?), and he might think your expectations are too high for him to meet. So maybe if you reassure him you don't need him to be a super amazing expert at it, you just need him there to be close to you and you'll do the heavy lifting (so to speak). Gradually he will learn what you like and what makes you feel good and I'm sure he'll be happy to do it.

I also agree that therapy is definitely something to consider (as long as you can find someone who recognizes asexuality as a legitimate orientation). And with all you've been through, it could help you in other areas of your life that may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

I hope you find something helpful in that, and I hope it gets better between you two and that you live a long, happy life together.

[Sally]

There's a heck of a lot of constant drama packed in there. I think therapy for you, OP, would be very good, before you try to do anything with your ex. WAY before, and for quite a while. I don't see asexuality as the main difficulty here.

[goodyears]

Hey Saf,

What it sounds like you have going for you is the fact that he communicated about his asexuality from the beginning, he has been there for you through all [your] drama, he took you back because he loves you and has agreed to compromise.

His compromise might not be happening as fast as you'd like it to, but from all you said, it sounds like he is someone who can be counted on and does want to compromise...this in itself is HUGE because compromise seems to be the thing we (sexuals/asexuals) struggle with the most. I understand you're hurting (crying), but maybe you just need to cool your jets and follow some of the advice that's been offered here on Aven. In other words, show him the same consideration that it sounds like he's always shown you.

My situation is different than your's, but I have learned from the veterans here on Aven that in order for this process of compromise to be successful...we need to practice taking "baby steps". Baby steps aren't always easy for sexuals driven by the call of nature, but nonetheless necessary in bridging the gap between partners.

Welcome to Aven :)

[BunnyK.]

This is just my personal opinion, and it's going to sound harsh. I don't really mean it to be - I'm trying to be helpful, but I don't know how to tactfully say what I'm going to say.

You need to work on yourself as a person, you need to become stable, you need to learn how to stand on your own. You have not been single since you were 18, you've alienated your family and friends, and you are now back in a relationship that made you so unhappy that you eventually snapped and ran right into the arms of an abuser. Now you're crying again every day. So, tell me, do you see this ending well? Do you think that you'd really be able to hold out the rest of your life without snapping, again, and dumping this poor guy, again?

My advice to you is to get a job (if you don't have one), get some education (if you don't have much), and get counseling, so that you can get healthy enough to enter a relationship as a woman who actually knows how to live a life and knows how to deal with her emotions. I honestly think you should break up with your boyfriend while you do this. If you guys are truly soulmates, you will come back to each other afterward and be better for you learning how to cope with life. If you aren't - well, then you'll discover that maybe what you truly want from a relationship can be found with someone else. Even if you don't break up with him, though, the next few years of your life should be devoted to growing as a person and becoming healthy.

Any sexual problems you are having right now should be on the backburner to the glaring emotional problems that are pretty obvious throughout your whole post. I think if you resolve that, you'll find your way to resolving your lack of sex situation.

And I don't say this as someone who has led a perfect life and is looking down on your choices thinking I would never make them - I've been suicidal, I've been depressed, I've been abused, I've dropped out of school and been so broke my electricity has been shut off. I'm not anyone's role model. But I know a fellow trainwreck when I see one and I know you need to do better - for yourself and everyone else in your life.