Breaking up, belated guilt, and coincidence

[M Bison]

Hi all.

A couple of months ago, I dumped my girlfriend. There were multiple reasons for the break up, but one that was rather important was that in our almost two year relationship, we had sex for about two months in the middle before she suddenly stopped. As it became clearer and clearer that she just wasn't interested, I grew more and more resentful, frustrated, and the belief grew within me that there must be something about me personally that she found unattractive, or even repulsive. That her romantic interest in me must be some strange lie, staying with me only to avoid hurting my feelings. My self esteem slipped during this period. I considered relationship counselling (I decided against it when it became apparent she had no idea we were having problems - plus I felt going to see a counsellor was just sort of silly anyway, we're only 19, hardly a married couple that had been together for years).

Eventually, I broke off the relationship. I never verbalised it, I didn't want to upset her even more, but she knew the lack of sex was a leading reason or this. She'd verbalised many times that she just wasn't interested in sex, but I assumed this was because of me. It became apparent afterwards, however, that she was telling the truth. She'd gotten very upset and bore her heart out to a mutual friend, telling him that she thought she was a weirdo or freak for not wanting to have or talk about sex. I was upset and very guilty - I just didn't know how I could comfort her, or if she'd even want me too. Despite the lack of sex, it was suddenly apparent that she truly cared for and had real romantic interest in me.

Of course, not knowing how to help, things just sort of simmered down. We still talk occasionally, she seems to have gotten over me, but I fear she may just be masking that (perhaps that's just my ego?).

I bounced back fairly quickly, and met a girl. I fell for her very quickly - everything about her suits me perfectly. We share many interests, we're both nerds, and I've never, in my entire life, met someone I can talk with for so long about comic books or cartoons or obscure internet videos. Everything just clicked. Over a few weeks, it became very apparent that she was romantically interested in me also. Subtle flirts became very common, were made obvious with a little alcohol, and at the end of a night out she wanted me to walk her home (sadly, I had to run and really couldn't, which is a shame).

Now, in comes the coincidence. At some point, she mentioned an online community she was a part of. I checked it out when I got home, and found her account. On it, she mentioned that she was asexual and gave a lengthy account of how she discovered it in herself, and how she came out to her mother and father. So it seemed pretty legitimate (plus, being bisexual, I'm in no place to judge other people's sexuality - not that anyone ever is of course).

I had heard of asexuality before, but had been very ignorant on what it really meant. I'd assumed that it excluded sexual and romantic attachment. As such, I felt betrayed and led on - why would she flirt so much if she wasn't interested? Was she playing a game, or taking the piss?

I soon put aside such silly thoughts and decided it best to simply research asexuality. I really, really liked this girl, and I wanted to know if there were any success stories of asexual/sexual relationships. Quickly , I discovered that asexuals could a: feel romantic attachment, b: some would be willing to compromise as long as the relationship was an emotionally fulfilling one and c: there are other physical acts some have no problem with. This put me at ease. It made me feel like her attraction was real and, at the very least, I could try to pursue a relationship with her. I'd know what I was getting into, I'd know the lack of enjoyment of sex wasn't my fault and, if worst comes to worst, if we are open about our sexuality together, it shouldn't be to difficult to either talk through issues or break up mutually.

Then something hit me. Asexuality seemed to fit my ex perfectly as well. I was her first relationship, she was never comfortable with kissing, and this would explain perfectly why she so clearly still felt romantic attachment. A second surge of guilt rushed over me as I came to think that I'd made her feel horrible about herself when, had I known about asexuality, it was an issue we may have been able to talk through.

So, I come to a problem: Do I suggest to my ex that she may be asexual, or that it could help her to research it? I have no desire to be in a relationship with her again (we had problems other than sex, I could never bring myself to tell her I was bi for instance, amongst other things), but it kills me that she thinks of herself as a weirdo or a freak, and the knowledge that she's not alone could help her self esteem. On the other hand, I might be completely wrong, she might get offended, or worse, bringing up sexuality with her could open up wounds that seem to be on the mend.

Another problem I have is, am I right to pursue a relationship with the other girl? Despite the short time since my last relationship I am confident that this girl is someone who I could spend a long time with, we click in almost every conceivable way and she clearly has some interest in me. She seems more open to sex than my ex too - asexual she may be, but she's clearly not repulsed by sex, talking about that sort of thing openly at times. Hell, she writes porn and posts it on the internet. On the other hand, I can't really talk to her about asexuality unless she brings it up. I get the feeling now that she didn't mean to tell me about the online community (she was drunk when she did so) and I don't wish to make her uncomfortable by telling her I found it on her profile, along with other things she might rather keep secret.

I understand that this is a very long post, heh. Apologies for that, but any help would be much appreciated. I've spent a lot of today reading threads here, and I'm confident that this is a helpful, understanding community.

[Guest]

Hi and welcome!! :)

I'd leave your ex alone... who knows what she was going through, or is going through now. If you feel its absolutely imperative, tell a mutual friend or something and let them decide whether to talk about it with her. Finding one's identity is a personal journey, and not something that you want prompted by a call from an ex that you hate.

I think you should ask her about the online community. She mentioned it when she was drunk because she's nervous about it, so that's when she felt comfortable telling you. Now that she's told you, she very well may be waiting for you to bring it up. I wouldn't mention the profile or her specific posts, though. I agree with you that she may feel upset by that.

As for the coincidence... I too had this coincidence... and I'm on the fence about whether its a coincidence, or whether there's some correlating factor involved.

[M Bison]

Thanks for the advice! :)

I think I agree, I'll try and let my ex find her own way. I my bring it up with the mutual friend though.

She talks quite openly about the online community actually - it's a fan fiction community dedicated to an internet show. She just didn't want to mention the name of the community because (as I now know) she has some fairly sensitive stuff on there.

Now that you mention it, I'm a fairly friendly person that, while sexual, doesn't tend to overtly focus on sexuality with flirting and only talk about it with very close friends or when other people bring it up. I never give the impression that I'm obsessed with it or anything like that.

[Jenn]

First of all, welcome to AVEN!

I think you should mention asexuality to your ex. I know that I was super relieved to find out about it and would have loved to have known about it earlier. Before I found out I felt like there was something wrong with me and tried to force myself to be sexual, which was a mistake. Discovering asexuality was very freeing and I've grown a lot since I accepted myself for who I am. I'm happier now than I've ever been and I feel more at peace. It just feels "right". I love who I am now.

Anyway, definitely mention AVEN to your ex. You don't necessarily need to say that you think she may be asexual, you could just say something like "hey, have you heard of AVEN? It's a site about asexuality and it's pretty interesting." or something like that and then let her go from there. She may not end up identifying as asexual but at least she's got another resource to try and figure herself out with if she so chooses.

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't pursue a relationship with the other girl. You're interested in her and she seems interested in you so go for it.

Best of luck.

[M Bison]

Quick update: I've noticed that the girl I'm interested in wears a black ring. This gives me the opportunity to perhaps mention it when I next see her again, on Monday. Do people think this is a good idea (despite getting her email address, it seems she must have either written it wrong or blocks all emails/MSN invitations, as yahoo tells me the account does not exist)?

It also worries me that she might be a user of this forum, as that's the only place I've heard about the rings from. She hasn't mentioned anything though, so perhaps not.

If all goes well, I'll be asking her out on a date. Tried last week, but she works at the cinema and it's Twilight weekend (extra shifts for all), so she couldn't (she seemed genuinely upset about that though).

[Guest]

I say yes! If she's wearing the ring, I'd think she'd appreciate the acknowledgement. Sometimes its easier to have people bring it up to you, instead of always having to "come out" over and over again.

[M Bison]

Instead of always having to "come out" over and over again.

I can readily appreciate this, telling people I'm bisexual doesn't get that much easier no matter how much I do it either. I shall bring it up if she's wearing it again on Monday. :)

[M Bison]

So apparently she "doesn't do" dating.

Why the hell would she flirt with me then? I know this isn't a case of me misinterpreting the signs - there was some very obvious, blatant flirting. So, like, why flirt? What's he point?

[SFX]

So apparently she "doesn't do" dating.

Why the hell would she flirt with me then? I know this isn't a case of me misinterpreting the signs - there was some very obvious, blatant flirting. So, like, why flirt? What's he point?

Ego boost, perhaps? People in committed relationships also flirt sometimes. They're not interested in dating the person(s) they flirt with, but it does good to their confidence.