Aromantic sexual input please

[Cazz333]

I've got this aromantic sexual character that's emotionally monogamous. She happens to be attracted to a romantic asexual. I'm just wondering what other ways are there to be aromantic sexually? i'm trying to move beyond the lustful sex by itself or even a 'friends with befits' scenario. I've also wondered whether it's possible to an aromantic sexual and to desire romantic asexual relationships as well as the one or many aromantic sexual relationships. Since romantic sexuals also have other aromantic asexual relationships as well as the one, or in the case of polyamory, many romantic sexual relationships.

Any thoughts?

[Samael]

Hmm.

I identify as aromantic, but my tale doesn't stop there. Since learning of these inherent desires that sexuals and romantics seem to have, on occasion I like to tease and tempt them with their own passions. It can be great fun, if care is taken to not have the situation escalate. Maybe you could write about that?

[maven]

Well... ok, as an aromantic sexual, I feel the need to respond. :P What about fun sex? Like the playful, laughing, doing-it-because-it's-fun type sex. I've only had lustful sex once or twice, and I've never been in a friends with benefits situation - too sticky. So many things can go wrong. And in general, my friends are much higher up on my relationship ladder than my than sexual partners.

As for the second part of your paragraph... I'm a little confused. I would not desire a romantic relationship. It doesn't matter if it's asexual or sexual. I'm aromantic, and that overrides even my need for sex (i.e. it's relatively easy for me to be celibate, especially under the threat of a romantic relationship). If I ever started desiring a romantic relationship, I would not call myself aromantic. If you mean a non-romantic relationship with a romantic asexual, sure! The sexual orientation of my friends doesn't matter to me.

If you're wondering whether an aromantic would be in a relationship with a romantic, I recommend taking a look at the last page of The Aromantic Thread - it's something we've been discussing recently.

Also, what do you mean by "emotionally monogamous"?

[Cazz333]

Well... ok, as an aromantic sexual, I feel the need to respond. :P What about fun sex? Like the playful, laughing, doing-it-because-it's-fun type sex. I've only had lustful sex once or twice, and I've never been in a friends with benefits situation - too sticky. So many things can go wrong. And in general, my friends are much higher up on my relationship ladder than my than sexual partners.

True. How do you deal with sexual attraction then? Because if you are attracted to someone sexually but not romantically, would you still want to be with them?

As for the second part of your paragraph... I'm a little confused. I would not desire a romantic relationship. It doesn't matter if it's asexual or sexual. I'm aromantic, and that overrides even my need for sex (i.e. it's relatively easy for me to be celibate, especially under the threat of a romantic relationship). If I ever started desiring a romantic relationship, I would not call myself aromantic. If you mean a non-romantic relationship with a romantic asexual, sure! The sexual orientation of my friends doesn't matter to me.

If you're wondering whether an aromantic would be in a relationship with a romantic, I recommend taking a look at the last page of The Aromantic Thread - it's something we've been discussing recently.

I was thinking along the line if romantics can value aromantic relationships highly, I have friends whom I would do as much for as a romantic partner, then an aromantic could feel the same- value a romantic relationship as you could a sexual aromantic one. Of course, you're right since you don't feel romantic attraction you wouldn't be romantic towards them or love them that way.

Also, what do you mean by "emotionally monogamous"?

Well, I meant someone who could only love one person with emotional exclusivity. Kind of like you have a deep aromantic relationship where you feel emotionally attached to that one person but you could satisfy your sex needs with just anyone. Basically the same principle with sexual fidelity but with just emotions. It's also how romantic asexuals can be monogamous.

Thinking about it, would some aromantic sexuals want a sexual person with just one person but just no romance?

[maven]

Well... ok, as an aromantic sexual, I feel the need to respond. :P What about fun sex? Like the playful, laughing, doing-it-because-it's-fun type sex. I've only had lustful sex once or twice, and I've never been in a friends with benefits situation - too sticky. So many things can go wrong. And in general, my friends are much higher up on my relationship ladder than my than sexual partners.

True. How do you deal with sexual attraction then? Because if you are attracted to someone sexually but not romantically, would you still want to be with them?

You can have sex with someone without romantic attraction. That's kind of the idea behind an aromantic sexual, and the desire for sex outside a romantic relationship is the reason we don't fit in - especially women, who are often stigmatized for having sex outside the bounds of a relationship. When you say "be with them," do you mean in a relationship with them? I can't speak for other aromantic sexuals, but I don't go into romantic relationships. I know that's not what I want, and I don't want to lead someone else on. It's no fun to realize someone is romantically attached to you, and have to explain that you don't see them that way- especially if you are in a physical relationship with them already. There are a lot of people out there that equate love with sex.

How do I deal with it? By being upfront, and explaining that I don't want a romantic relationship with them. And if I feel like they are getting too attached, or that they want more from me than I can give, I break it off. I don't have a high libido, and if I can't find a sexual situation where I feel safe (i.e. the guy is not going to get attracted to me, he's not going to ruin my reputation by calling me a whore/slut, etc.), I don't have sex. It's not worth it.

As for the second part of your paragraph... I'm a little confused. I would not desire a romantic relationship. It doesn't matter if it's asexual or sexual. I'm aromantic, and that overrides even my need for sex (i.e. it's relatively easy for me to be celibate, especially under the threat of a romantic relationship). If I ever started desiring a romantic relationship, I would not call myself aromantic. If you mean a non-romantic relationship with a romantic asexual, sure! The sexual orientation of my friends doesn't matter to me.

If you're wondering whether an aromantic would be in a relationship with a romantic, I recommend taking a look at the last page of The Aromantic Thread - it's something we've been discussing recently.

I was thinking along the line if romantics can value aromantic relationships highly, I have friends whom I would do as much for as a romantic partner, then an aromantic could feel the same- value a romantic relationship as you could a sexual aromantic one. Of course, you're right since you don't feel romantic attraction you wouldn't be romantic towards them or love them that way.

Oh, I see. I wouldn't do that in the first place...being in a relationship where I see them as a friend and they see me as a romantic partner is just asking for trouble. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship, and they do. Even if I feel platonic love towards them, I'm never going to be able to demonstrate it the way a romantic would want me to. It would mirror the difficulties of a asexual-sexual relationship, except instead of sex being the elephant in the room, it would be romantic gestures.

And as for valuing a romantic relationship like I value an aromantic sexual one, I don't think they'd like that very much, lol. My sex partners are wayyyyyy down on my relationship totem pole. They come and go. Friends are forever. For example, if my best friend called me at 3am and needed a shoulder to cry on, I'd be there as fast as I could (with a pint of ice cream if necessary). If a guy I had had sex with a couple times tried something like that, chances are I wouldn't pick up the phone (ok, I probably would, because I'm a nice person... But I def wouldn't go over there and comfort them- a phone convo and some sleepy sympathetic "uhuhs" is all they're going to get. And then I'd never have sex with them again, because that is too attached in my book).

Also, what do you mean by "emotionally monogamous"?

Well, I meant someone who could only love one person with emotional exclusivity. Kind of like you have a deep aromantic relationship where you feel emotionally attached to that one person but you could satisfy your sex needs with just anyone. Basically the same principle with sexual fidelity but with just emotions. It's also how romantic asexuals can be monogamous.

I get how romantic asexuals can be monogamous - they're in a romantic relationship, and monogamy comes from wanting to be with that single person for the rest of their life. Basically the same as a romantic sexual, just without the physical act of sex. But my deep aromantic relationships aren't with the same person - I have many friends, and a small circle that I feel for and care about deeply (platonic love, essentially). I don't think I'd want just one friend... what happens when they're busy? Or don't want to do whatever activity I've picked out to do? That's part of what's hard for me to understand about romantic relationships - I don't want my life to revolve around someone else's, or vice versa. Go live your own life, please. I'll be right here if you need help, but this world is vast and there is so much more to do than run in circles around me.

Thinking about it, would some aromantic sexuals want a sexual person with just one person but just no romance?

Could be? I've never tried that (I suspect it would be similar to a friends with benefits situation, and that stuff is just too sticky for me. They're going to get attached, it's a fact of non-aromantic life.). In theory, if it could be done without the person being attracted to me eventually (like if I could find an aromatic sexual I was attracted to), sure. But the chances of that are slim to none.

Oh, you know what? I've read about a relatively monogamous aromantic sexual relationship (I say "relatively" because I believe the author identifies as poly, but only had one partner at the time? Or was only writing about one of his partners?): http://intimacycartography.wordpress.com/2011/06/15/what-a-poly-aromantic-relationship-looks-like/

(I feel like I'm babbling on a lot. :redface: I hope this helps with your story, feel free to ask me more questions, or PM me. I'd really recommend reading the Aromantic thread, or even this tumblr entry here, because based on what you've mentioned, I'd say the primary conflict in your story isn't the sex vs. no sex, it's the "how do I get an aromantic to see me as a romantic partner." Then you have the sex/no sex part.)