story of me & my "asexual" boyfriend

[dietlimepepsi]

(this is my first post. hi everyone!! I've been reading some of the threads & trying to become more informed...)

My boyfriend was the kind who "hated to be touched" before we got together. He would fool around with his friends and sit on each other or throw each other around but hated gentle physical contact suggesting intimacy, like embracing. After we got into a romantic relationship, he would enjoy and frequently initiate cuddling (holding me lying down in bed or put me on his lap) and kissing (regular or french). But even though he would always initiate kissing, he would always be the first to pull away and get distracted (talking about something or go on computer) then come back in a while and initiate physical contact again. With my ex-boyfriends, making out would be very extended with rarely pausing and I would always be the one to pull away, so for a time I felt very frustrated at him for seeming to not be "into me". He said that he has no will to have sex with anyone and does not find it necessary, but will be willing to have sex with me if I really wanted to. When I asked him if he would ever want to have sex with me, assuming our relationship goes into the future, he responded: "well... I do want kids someday!" as that would be his only purpose in wanting to have sex.

I definitely do NOT think that sex = love, but I am trying to educate myself right now on love in the absence of sex. He has expressed frequently that I am much more sexual than he is (although I do try my best to restrain!). He says that he believes in taking relationships seriously, feels a deep emotional/personality connection with me, and has the goal of marrying me in the future (I'm in college). We understand each other on a level that we have not been able to get from anyone else, frequently creep each other out by saying the same things at the same time, and even have same style (leather/rope bracelets on one hand, watch and a band on the other) though we didn't realize that our wrists looked identical for the longest time and both thought that we were copying the other at first (lol~).

He has had a girlfriend of 2+ years before me, who tried to initiate sex with him numerous times only to be turned down. He broke up with her in the end b/c he felt used.

With the frustration of not being sexually desired aside... I feel like my relationship with him has been the MOST fulfilling so far... I believe him when he tells me that he loves me. this is definitely not to say that love isn't a part of sexual relationships, but wayyyy too often people mistaken lust for love or stops "loving" the other person once lust fades away or convinces the other person of love just to get what they want physically. I've seen this devastate some friends emotionally. Having been on both ends of this, I have ended up feeling guilty or used.

I say "asexual" in the title b/c my boyfriend doesn't define himself as so, believing that the definition of asexuality includes lack of romantic attraction and desire for boyfriend/girlfriend companionship... but, while not wanting sex, he enjoys cuddling/kissing with me as I am someone he feels a strong connection with, and said that he would be willing (but only for sake of pleasing me, or to have kids in future)... ultimately it is up to himself to be identified as anything, but should I try to help him come out as asexual?

My friends don't understand at all b/c they believe that guys are "supposed" to want sex all or most of the time, and a guy not wanting sex with you means that he is either gay or religiously abstinent (my boyfriend is religious, but does not believe in saving sex for after marriage) or wants other women, and that if a guy claims to not masturbate he "MUST" be lying b/c "ALL men masturbate".

Sorry for the really long rant!!!! I just didn't have anywhere else to express how I feel... T.T

[Lucinda]

I don't think it is all that necessary for him to come out as asexual nor you to help him to do so as long as he is forthcoming on his views of partnered sex. And from what you say, he has been. From there, you are in a position to decide if a relationship into the future with this guy would be ideal for you.

I was contacted by this one lady who married a guy who never initiated any sort of sexual interaction while they were dating. She asked him straight out if he would ever want sex after they were married. He said yes when they planned to have kids. To me, he was honest with her, but she just heard, "I'll want sex after we are married." because that is what she wanted to hear. Two kids later, she is at her wit's end and doesn't understand why he isn't into recreational sex. Well, chances are that he never was ... and her therapist even pointed out that she missed alot of red flags ... possibly because she tried to fit him into an ideal image instead of dealing with the reality of what he said and how he behaved. Now she feels stuck and so does he. They both want an intimate relationship, but what that entails is different for each. A word to the wise.

Now, your friends are suggesting that he is lying. Do you think he is a liar? If he was really after other women, then why hasn't he dumped you by now? If he is really gay, then why isn't after guys? Do you think it is for religious reasons? If so, then you would have to conclude that he is lying when he said he doesn't think sex is necessary with anyone. Perhaps he isn't as stereotypical as your friends think he should be, but that doesn't mean he is a liar. What does your gut instinct say?

He could very well be into you, but is he into you the way you want him to be??

Lucinda

[Lady Girl]

Lucinda has great advice! I don't think she left anything out or unanswered. :) and

[Ladylilly]

Here Here Lucinda Great advice and very true. You really need to think about what is going to be best for you in the long run. If you rush into things and try to think of someone as they are not, everyone is getting hurt. Just listen to him, I wouldn't worry about what your friends say because they don't know him like he knows himself. I don't think he would lie like that and I am in the same relationship as you are. My bf is asexual but has admitted it unto himself and accepts it now. When or if you talk to him about it, don't act like you are trying to put a label on him either because he will more than likely be a little sensitive on the subject and no need to make anyone feel they are "broken". Just show him some compassion, hear him out, and let him know how you feel and how you see things...maybe it can work, but if you really feel that it can't, don't hurt yourself and him by leading yourself on. We all have a limit to what we can and cannot accept, it's really just a matter of deciding what will work. Backing you all the way and here for any support as I said, I know your situation well.

[MetalEgo]

Sugar, your man seems like a great guy, a real sweetheart. You sound like such an adorable couple! I'm glad you two have a beautiful thing going. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I'm an ace of hearts, and I recently got into a relationship with my straight best friend (lol, basically everything is exactly the same, except with more hugging). We love each other, and he's been very supportive and extremely understanding of me. I'm really happy to read about a positive experience from a similarly "mixed" couple. I hope the best for you two!

[Guest]

My partner absolutely abhors the whole asexual thing and was initially pretty pissed off that I was even on here. I had to explain that, labels and definitions aside, I needed a place where I could find an outside perspective to better understand our dynamic. So don't worry about his identity... you are the one who's here, and if you feel like asexuality fits your experiences with him, that's all that matters.

The one thing that gives me concern is that he broke up with his last girlfriend because he felt used. I'm assuming this is because he feels less loved when he's being sexually approached (whereas most sexuals feel more loved). If this is the case, he is going to have to come to the same, but opposite, understanding that you are looking for. You want to better understand that, for him, his love for you is completely disconnected from his sexual attraction to you. In the same vein, he needs to understand that, for you, love is felt when you initiate sexual encounters.

Both people in a mixed relationship have to be very open-minded and accepting of each other's values and needs. For too long, the burden has fallen on the asexual to shoulder it alone, and that's screwed up, but its not going to work if the pendulum swings too far to the other side.

Have talks, without labels, and just explain how you feel. Showing acceptance about his preferences, etc, will hopefully induce him to show more acceptance about yours. One thing I definitely have noticed (because its been said outright!) is that many asexuals in relationships live with a constant fear of being left because of sex. I can't imagine what that's like, but it must be an awful fear to carry around with you. So remember that if he gets defensive... he may have some legitimate fears or preconceptions that are causing the defensiveness.

Time, understanding, and love. Sounds simple, isn't simple, but is possible! :D

EDIT: I just noticed your name... I personally hate diet lime pepsi (the soda, people, the soda!), but my partner is madly in love with it. I'm thinking we can probably find common ground if I just add rum. :)

[Lady Girl]

It's great to read your posts S Maid...lots of good insight. :)

Being in a very long term, and very rocky at times, sexual w/ asexual relationship I've found that what they've been saying in the posts above is pretty true...he says what he does because it's what he feels. In our relationship, we went over two decades without knowing about asexuality. For me there was no question that I would approach him after I found AVEN. To be honest, I didn't get past the FAQs for a few days, and I talked to him the night of the day I found it. He basically said this is what I've been saying all along, but yes, here you have it in writing and better than I could ever say it.

It was a new starting point for us. Thanks again everyone in AVEN! :)

[Lady Girl]

Something bad is happening to my posts...I'm trying to fix it, sorry.

[Lady Girl]

Fixed it...thanks for putting up with me. :)

[chougirl]

Hello, I just red about asexuality and feel relieved but at the same time worried.I perfectly know how you feel dietlimepepsi.

My boyfriend exactly fits the definition of an asexual. We have been in a relationship for more than 2 years now and I could tell you how many times we had sex. However, we kiss, hug and cuddle a lot. We get along pretty well , but I dont feel an intimate connection. He always pull away when I initiate sex or straight turn me down. We`ve talked about it many times and he feels like he has always have intimacy problems with girlfriends (our relationship is the longest he`s had) and sometimes broke up with them to avoid getting intimate.However, the thought of having sex with a stranger turns him on and he feels like he would be easily attracted to a girl he just meet and could have sex with her because there is no closeness between them (he never cheated on me and I trust him). It was easier for him to have one night stands when he was single than having a regular sex life when he is in a relationship. He wants to fix this problem and be able to have a normal sex life with me, but we dont know what to do. Even when we try having sex, there is no interest from him at all.He just wants to do it quick and get it over with. What should I/we do ? I don`t really care about the sex part (still lol) , but I do miss the intimate connection a lot....

[Sally]

He wants to fix this problem and be able to have a normal sex life with me, but we dont know what to do. Even when we try having sex, there is no interest from him at all.He just wants to do it quick and get it over with. What should I/we do ? I don`t really care about the sex part (still lol) , but I do miss the intimate connection a lot....

When I had a husband and then a partner, I thought for years that if I just kept trying, I could "fix" the problem and have a normal sex life. I did want a relationship, and I am romantic. But it just didn't happen, because since being an asexual (not feeling sexual attraction to anyone) was normal for me, there was no fix.

Asexuals tend to think they need to fix themselves because everyone else seems normal, and they feel they are not. But if you don't feel something, you can't make yourself feel it (nor can anyone else make you feel it).

The thing to do is talk with each other very frankly. Not from the point of view that he must change, but from the standpoint that you are different from each other, and how can you deal with that difference.