Shifting from (very)sexual to asexual = Difficult transition

[Mister Me]

It seems this is the only forum I post in... Anyway, I'm having alot of trouble integrating asexuality into my life - more accurately, into my mental framework. I've been craving sexual/physical attention from men my whole life. I truly don't enjoy sex, and have no interest in it, but I don't know what else to do when I get so lonely and need to have affection shown toward me. I guess I can't quite imagine what ways (other than physicality) there are to receive affection. Of course, I have no one in my life to show me different types of affection, so I fall back on my standard medicine for loneliness - anonymous sex. Bleah, even the words sound horrible. Now, I don't expect any of you to be able to *poof* the pain away with an insightful statement... I'm just trying to adjust to this new way of seeing the world. It's so far beyond what I considered possible in my life, so outside my comfort zone as to be incomprehensible. And yet, it feels true to me on my deepest levels. It's just so darn confusing on the shallower levels!

[silvergirl]

[Orbit]

wow, what a journey you have! I don't know if I completely understand how it feels to be in your shoes, but I have to deal with something similar... so let me just lend my support and a few things I've learned over the past few years.

This culture does seem to promote sexual intimacy as a goal to be chased after for all sorts of promises it cannot deliver alone - such as emotional intimacy which can lead to nonsexual affection. - the kind most of us actually crave.

So how do we become emotionally intimate with someone?

As someone who was excruciatingly lonely for most of my life and has finally found close friends, here's some of what I've learned:

Common Interests - opens the conversations, gives you something to focus on when you're not talking about yourselves. Usually works better if it's an important hobby. Joining a community gives you a place to find all sorts of potential close friends. It doesn't happen right away, and you have to find someone carefully, being friendly to all and striking up one on one conversations... If the person you're with is just constantly using conversation spam (basicaly talking about themself without any care in what you are really interested in) sometimes it's best to move on to someone a bit more sensitive. And also, you have to be senstive too.. :)

Mutual willingness to be vulnerable - It should be done slowly, test the waters as it were. Share a little about how you view things, or how you feel about something and see how the other person responds. I have found it is not good to be vulnerable to someone who is not in return. There has to be some sort of equality in the relationship for me to feel safe.

Mutual availability - this is pretty vital to me. In order for me to feel emotionally close to someone, I have to know they are available to me when I need them - and I make myself available to them as well. Be it telling them my schedual so they know when I'll be around, or simply leaving my AIM on even when I'm cleaning/working - so a message can be sent and I can take a break just to chat.

Honest Communication and validation - it's tough to be vulnerable and then not know where you stand with someone. So you have to be willing to ask someone - hey, why didn't your return my call? - and they have to be the kind of person that is accomidating to your sensitivity ifyou ask for them to reassure you they really do care, but they ahve a good excuse... or forgot. Most of us are not close to people emotionally because we are paranoid that the other person doesn't really love us... In all of my close relationships we went through a time of honest questioning and reassurance. After the foundation is there, the sappy, wining, paranoia stuff becomes funny and unnecessary except for real down points.

Common view on the priorities of life - If what you value differs too much, it becomes difficult to be vulnerable or to trust the other persons perspective. If you value people and someone you're trying to get close to values money more - it's just not going to work. Not everyone is going to share every value - so it's okay to compromise this a bit, meaning only talk to someone in a vulnerable way about the things you share in common. I have tried to have political and religious conversations with people who are close to me and if we do not agree it ALWAYS seems to get emotionally uncomfortable after that. No matter how careful both parties are... So we just avoid those topics and remain close.

Every Friendship is different: not everyone can give you everything you need - some people can only handle a certain amount of closeness, or certain number of emails (or certain length) and just because someone doesn't give you what you need, it doesn't mean they don't love you! It just means they are different and you should simply accept what they can give. Many of my close friends are close because I give them space and jsut accept what they can give when they give it. Of course I'm closer to those who are more intense like me, but it's nice to have a variety of types of friendships.

I think I'm a bit long winded here, so I'll close. *L* I hope it helps some... And I wish you all the best - I too am trying to reprogram my mind to think more like an asexual.

It was such a freeing experience to realize the stigma sex had tainted on my friendships with men wasn't necessary.

hawke

[gypsylady]

Great post hawke! Very intelligently and sensitively written!

Adrien, you sound like you need male attention more than any other kind. I have no idea how life was for you when you were growing up but, I know for myself, I didn't get the positive attention and assurance that I was ok as a female from my dad - and that caused me alot of grief when it came to alot of my relationships (many of which were sexual for me too). I was looking for that reassurance that I was ok - I was looking for everything that had been missing when I was growing up. And the only way to do that with a grown man was to have sex. It seemed like it was "something" at least. But it was never enough.

It doesn't work. Believe me, sweetie, it doesn't. All that happens is that you feel like shit about yourself for doing something that you seem to have little control over.

It's *great* that you recognize that you don't really want these experiences - that's a good piece of insight. I'd like to suggest that you find a good counselor who you can talk to about what you've already posted, and see where that takes you. It's possible that you can "think" your way out of what you're doing, but if you can't, counselling is the best and most supportive answer I can give. There are many things that can get in the way of living a free and productive life - what you're going through is certainly a big one.

I hope you'll keep us posted. Pm me any time you want to sweetie.

Gypsy

[Mister Me]

This is great food for thought, guys.

My responses:

I know nothing about your past, but I would be surprised if you didn't find Steven Farmer's book 'Adult Children of Abusive Parents' interesting.

Well, I wasn't abused as a child... not that I know of. I did spend some time considering it, because I have the hallmark signs of sexual abuse in alot of my behaviours, but without a concrete memory, all I could really work on was/is my present mindset and habits.

Hawke - Thanks for sharing your perspective so thoroughly. You got me to realizing that romantic relationships aren't the only sources of emotional intimacy (and what a scary realization that is!). I recently purged most of my friendships, because they were not built on common ground. It's been great to have alot of space around me to sort myself out, but it's also been disappointing that I had spent so much time on unfulfilling relationships. Your views really stressed patience, which is my downfall. I suppose I'll have to strengthen that if I am to make any headway.

Adrien, you sound like you need male attention more than any other kind.

Definitely. I realize that it's a Freudian case of filling the hole of my absent father. Curse you, Freud... or maybe, curse you, father - who knows!

I'd like to suggest that you find a good counselor who you can talk to about what you've already posted, and see where that takes you.

I've been to several counselors over the years, for various reasons; I've found that the best thing for me is to work at things on my own. I've thought my way out of much tighter and much more painful boxes. I think just having this community to sort things out is enough.

To everyone: Once again, I appreciate your support, and I may post frequent complaints, aches, etc.; but, I know that it'll all get worked out one way or another.

-Adrien

[cait]

Learn to knit! Maybe it'll help with your patience?

You need a puppy, or a cat. I don't know how you can be entirely lonely if you have a companion like that. Unless of course, you're not an animal person, in which case, I don't know.

Also, three meals a day and a steady sleeping pattern really do make you feel better. People don't realize this, they never do, and if they do, they don't listen to it.

And I mean, when you feel better about yourself, while you realize that you don't get any fulfillment out of sex, you'll be less likely to have it when you find other things that are fulfilling. How to do that, well, I'm not exactly sure. I would just fill your life up with other hobbies. Maybe that's just a distraction, maybe it's bad advice, who knows.

And of course, everyone knows that writing is the best form of venting, so don't stop that. Okay, maybe not everyone agrees, but let me pretend.