Late starters

[Blood Angel]

I was 20 when I first got a french kiss, I've had a fair share of them and it's my favourite and probably most intimate as I'll get with a woman, it's a shame this only ever happens when I'm shitfaced and don't reserve it for anybody special, guess I was practicing and conforming to the way swxual people do things. Never any sex

[Brisco]

A good friend (late blooming lesbian after 3 marriages) made me go on a blind date (probably my first and only). The lady I met was so sexually desperate, and I was so careful not to hurt her feelings that I wanted to gnaw my leg off to get away. I had never heard of Asexuality, so the best excuse I could make was to say my friends are playing Dungeons & Dragons tonight and I had to be there. It was the lamest excuse ever (though true), and I still feel bad about it. I've avoided dating ever since, not wanting to disappoint.

One of my other friends (sexually conflicted - straight/bi/lesbian/unsure) invited me to see a movie and a dinner. It was not called a date, so I went along. It was a Western, so she knew I couldn't resist! This means, I would go on dates if they were not called a date, and if there was no sexual expectation/tension.

Cheers.

[test account]

I can understand that.

Im starting to feel tired of the routine. I thought dating would be just meeting new people and seeing who i clicked with. But instead, people have these 'dating personas' that they put on. I am so not interested in putting up with the playacting, doing the dance, or whatever one wishes to call it.

Ive been advised to wear perfume. No thanks. I never wear it so im sure not going to pretend. I hate being courted because its fake to me. I expect people to be themselves so i can decide if i'm interested. I hate romantic crap, smooth talk, sending text hugs, etc. unless its REAL. And so far, the only real feelings ive got have been from men i dont care for.

I think with this attitude i'll never find a partner but i'm so stubborn and proud i refuse to change :(

[xanthesun]

I can understand that.

Im starting to feel tired of the routine. I thought dating would be just meeting new people and seeing who i clicked with. But instead, people have these 'dating personas' that they put on. I am so not interested in putting up with the playacting, doing the dance, or whatever one wishes to call it.

Ive been advised to wear perfume. No thanks. I never wear it so im sure not going to pretend. I hate being courted because its fake to me. I expect people to be themselves so i can decide if i'm interested. I hate romantic crap, smooth talk, sending text hugs, etc. unless its REAL. And so far, the only real feelings ive got have been from men i dont care for.

I think with this attitude i'll never find a partner but i'm so stubborn and proud i refuse to change :(

I think for a good relationship that's probably the best attitude but it will usually mean taking longer to find someone. I kind of view attitudes toward dating like interviewing for a job most people paly to the script (dress the way they're told, do the right research ask the "right" questions) and a significant number of people end up in relationships/jobs that don't last or they hate but feel they can't move on from... whereas being true to yourself weeds out a lot of this. The sticking point is how well do you really know yourself ;)

[Kirin]

I'm 28, I've been on one date. Total. Never anything more intimate than a hug. I'm okay with that. I've seen most of my friends go through the dating thins, which does not appeal to me at all. Just seems so fake and put on, and the effects of that can be amazingly damaging.

I guess the general attitude I have towards relationships is that if it happens, it happens. I'm not going to put myself in the market, or pretend to be something I'm not to attract a guy. If that means becoming a crazy cat lady at some point, well, alright!

[test account]

The fake aspect is troubling, but where two people don't know each other at all, I guess there has to be something to help them through the introductions. It's very strange though.

I like the job interview analogy! Yes indeed. I never do well with those either hahaha. I just go in there to find out if I like the look of these people and if i have anything to say to their questions, i say it. How arrogant....... ;)

[Curious_1979]

I'm in my 30's. Never had a relationship or date. I think I have a better idea than ever what I'm looking for, and better self-knowledge as well, but my tastes are still very specific. I've only had access to online dating for two years. So I'm better prepared than ever to meet the right person; yet it still seems unlikely to happen, and to be a bumpy road due to lack of experience.

I'm so good at finding sexual men! I wonder where the asexual ones are hiding!

[Tals]

most of the asexual men are the kind you have to ask out because they are too awkward and confused to ask you out.

[Curious_1979]

most of the asexual men are the kind you have to ask out because they are too awkward and confused to ask you out.

Thank you. I will make an attempt to ask one out!

[Samael]

most of the asexual men are the kind you have to ask out because they are too awkward and confused to ask you out.

I think so too. Well, I sure have felt confused at first when someone comes to show their "interest", especially if they are serious and not just playfully flirting. In truth, as an aromantic it escapes my understanding why someone would be interested in the first place, but I surmise that's because I can't feel anything of the sort myself.

Asexual (and especially aromantic) people, whether male or female, can't be expected to ask you out. In my opinion, such an act would be artificial for them, something that is not based on a natural desire to do so.

[test account]

most of the asexual men are the kind you have to ask out because they are too awkward and confused to ask you out.

I think so too. Well, I sure have felt confused at first when someone comes to show their "interest", especially if they are serious and not just playfully flirting. In truth, as an aromantic it escapes my understanding why someone would be interested in the first place, but I surmise that's because I can't feel anything of the sort myself.

Asexual (and especially aromantic) people, whether male or female, can't be expected to ask you out. In my opinion, such an act would be artificial for them, something that is not based on a natural desire to do so.

They might be interested in an aromantic because they see good qualities in the person, such as independence, intelligence, moral courage, sense of humour etc. And I agree, you can't expect an aromantic to initiate anything unless its purely intellectual interest on their side. Which would probably disappoint a romantic person.

Ergh, I think I'm doomed. I like romantic people but only if they keep it under control, you know like, ask me out but don't go mushy on me until I've decided I like them. I'm very suspicious of enthusiasm <_<

[Samael]

most of the asexual men are the kind you have to ask out because they are too awkward and confused to ask you out.

I think so too. Well, I sure have felt confused at first when someone comes to show their "interest", especially if they are serious and not just playfully flirting. In truth, as an aromantic it escapes my understanding why someone would be interested in the first place, but I surmise that's because I can't feel anything of the sort myself.

Asexual (and especially aromantic) people, whether male or female, can't be expected to ask you out. In my opinion, such an act would be artificial for them, something that is not based on a natural desire to do so.

They might be interested in an aromantic because they see good qualities in the person, such as independence, intelligence, moral courage, sense of humour etc. And I agree, you can't expect an aromantic to initiate anything unless its purely intellectual interest on their side. Which would probably disappoint a romantic person.

Ergh, I think I'm doomed. I like romantic people but only if they keep it under control, you know like, ask me out but don't go mushy on me until I've decided I like them. I'm very suspicious of enthusiasm <_<

Yes, thanks for the supplement.

It's wise to be suspicious of enthusiasm. If overly enthusiastic behaviour is shown, is it not only linked to desperation? In such a case I would be suspicious of ulterior motives also.

[sophiz]

Hey there..

Yes, same with me. This is my first post on this board. :) I'm 26, female, and I dated infrequency.. I'll date like 1-2 guys a year... which will only last maybe a few weeks. So it's not that I *haven't* dated whatsoever, but just very infrequency. Oh, and then I went through this 'online dating' phase where I'd go on a bunch of first dates and nothing after that. That was when I was around 21-22 years old.. that was sort of fun. I was way too picky in my youth though - never gave most guys a chance and had too much going on with school/work to really care. I had too much stress to put up with guys who only wanted to get in my pants, basically.

Today though, I've lowered my standards.. but even still, I don't find most guys attractive. I only recently lost my virginity just for the heck of it.. to see what all the fuss was about (still wondering lol...) I've noticed that I get hit on occassionally, but only by guys I'd never give a chance. I'm not sure if that's more or less depressing than not being hit on at all..?

I think I may need to work on my self-confidence & be more assertive and confident about flirting and going after who I want, so maybe I haven't yet reached the stage you're in. But for the most part, I think my problem is that most men and humans in general don't interest me. For instance, I was at Starbucks the other day, and this relatively OK-looking guy looked and me, sort of checked me out, then burried his head in his books again. He probably (likely) found me attractive and I *could* have struck up a conversation with relative ease (I can be relatively charming and social, when I want to be, and to get what I want..), I could have asked him what he's doing studying in Starbucks in AUGUST when school hasn't even started! (likely a grad student..) But I just sort of looked at my coffee and decided I didn't care enough to bother. I think that's sort of my problem.. I don't care.

I am relatively attractive, mind you, but on everyday occassions like that most guys will just check me out but not put forth effort to hit on me either. A few (with enough confidence) will. And I'll often reject them if so. But very rarely will that happen, I think most guys are probably too intimidated or we don't have the right chemistry/vibe, whatever. I am not really naturally a social butterfly, but I have had a career in politics working for a political party previously, and if it's to my benefit, you can see me as a definite social butterfly. But it's mostly a face I put on, or when I'm in a good mood. Most of the time, I sort of have 'low energy', am a bit introverted, and I won't go outside of my comfort zone to strike up convos with randoms unless .. I'm really interested? Also a lot of the REALLY goodlooking guys... I'm a bit too shy/intimidated to strike up a convo with. I figure I'm not hot enough.. i don't know. I guess I'm still working on confidence?

How exactly were you able to change so much so that you now date a lot and talk with random people? I'm curious!!

Nice to meet you.

- Sophiz.

[Ziffler]

Just wondering if there are many others like me who have skipped the whole teen boy/girlfriend thing until later in life? And what have been your experiences?

Besides briefly trying to start something with a guy when I was 26 (which was total failure) I only started dating last year at 35. I've been dating pretty much nonstop since then, mostly for the experience and to see what life will throw at me. It's improved my social skills a bit, improved my self-confidence and assertiveness, and overall been a positive thing for me, even though I've embarrassed myself often and been through some very strong negative emotions.

Presently I'm still single and likely to remain so for a while since I've got tired of meeting new people for now. My illusions have been suitably dissolved and I feel like there's little left to learn. I don't expect to meet the sort of person I would want to marry in any way expect blind chance, so dating seems to me like something I would only do now if I was bored or desperate.

So how many others are there? And what has it been like for you?

59 years old and haven't really ever did the dating thing.

Being asexual, I never saw a need for it.

[test account]

Hey there..

Yes, same with me. This is my first post on this board. :) I'm 26, female, and I dated infrequency.. I'll date like 1-2 guys a year... which will only last maybe a few weeks. So it's not that I *haven't* dated whatsoever, but just very infrequency. Oh, and then I went through this 'online dating' phase where I'd go on a bunch of first dates and nothing after that. That was when I was around 21-22 years old.. that was sort of fun. I was way too picky in my youth though - never gave most guys a chance and had too much going on with school/work to really care. I had too much stress to put up with guys who only wanted to get in my pants, basically.

Today though, I've lowered my standards.. but even still, I don't find most guys attractive. I only recently lost my virginity just for the heck of it.. to see what all the fuss was about (still wondering lol...) I've noticed that I get hit on occassionally, but only by guys I'd never give a chance. I'm not sure if that's more or less depressing than not being hit on at all..?

I think I may need to work on my self-confidence & be more assertive and confident about flirting and going after who I want, so maybe I haven't yet reached the stage you're in. But for the most part, I think my problem is that most men and humans in general don't interest me. For instance, I was at Starbucks the other day, and this relatively OK-looking guy looked and me, sort of checked me out, then burried his head in his books again. He probably (likely) found me attractive and I *could* have struck up a conversation with relative ease (I can be relatively charming and social, when I want to be, and to get what I want..), I could have asked him what he's doing studying in Starbucks in AUGUST when school hasn't even started! (likely a grad student..) But I just sort of looked at my coffee and decided I didn't care enough to bother. I think that's sort of my problem.. I don't care.

I am relatively attractive, mind you, but on everyday occassions like that most guys will just check me out but not put forth effort to hit on me either. A few (with enough confidence) will. And I'll often reject them if so. But very rarely will that happen, I think most guys are probably too intimidated or we don't have the right chemistry/vibe, whatever. I am not really naturally a social butterfly, but I have had a career in politics working for a political party previously, and if it's to my benefit, you can see me as a definite social butterfly. But it's mostly a face I put on, or when I'm in a good mood. Most of the time, I sort of have 'low energy', am a bit introverted, and I won't go outside of my comfort zone to strike up convos with randoms unless .. I'm really interested? Also a lot of the REALLY goodlooking guys... I'm a bit too shy/intimidated to strike up a convo with. I figure I'm not hot enough.. i don't know. I guess I'm still working on confidence?

How exactly were you able to change so much so that you now date a lot and talk with random people? I'm curious!!

Nice to meet you.

- Sophiz.

Nice to meet you too :)

To answer your question, i think i just decided to enjoy my life and let other people decide for themselves if they liked me or not. I started being more interested in managing the impression i give, rather than feeling forced to give a 'nice' impression all the time. Sometimes i feel im quite rude to people, but nobody ever confronts me over it, so i figure no point reading minds--if someone is offended they have to tell me.

I dont do the social stuff that makes other people popular, and i suspect that makes me look aloof and hostile sometimes. I know i would have more friends if i exerted myself to be charming and flatter people at the right moment, but im stubborn as hell when it comes to speaking my mind. One of my dates called me a bitch with a whip. Actually, two of them did... Whatever.

Im a tacitern, pragmatic old spinster. But im loyal and honorable too--got to take the good with the bad. Like you, i've had moments where i could easily strike up a conversation with someone i like the look of, but i let it pass. Mostly, its because i feel like i'll be signing on for a conversation that will require lots of social fakery--"oh, you work in a recycling centre! How interesting!"--oh dear. Im such a bitch :P

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I have to start saying I'm not one of the late starters but I could become so... maybe? LOL. Anyway I wanted to share a bit my lack of experiences.

My 3 years old nephew is praying for me to find a husband and few days ago asked me if I already find a boy friend :lol: :lol: :lol:. I wound't care a crap about the "single" or the not dating situation, but somehow I feel much pressure coming from the social/family/working environment and all the feeling people normally develop as a consequence of it.

If I ever date someone, because I haven't -not in a formal way-, I wish I wouldn't have been a late starter, but here I am with any forecast, except for an uncertain future. That about "not been ready yet" it's just an excuse for me, because I will never be complete ready if I cannot have experiences to grow, I know that age and time can give you maturity to learn how to cope relationships, but practice it, living it, feeling it, been in the situation can be an important key. I have missed as you as well too many stages about growing and relationships, so every time as and adult I have tried to get involved in a relationship there has been lots of strong negative emotions too, I guess it's because I have wanted to hold the illusion of the moment even when I knew I couldn't stretch it for so long to make it last more time. Have you ever tried to pull so hard an elastic band very close to your face? Yeah... I did that mistake.

Sometimes I wish I could have my past back, to have all the silly things that normally teens haves/feels/experiences and at the same time I wish I could have "my future" back too.

[sophiz]

I have to start saying I'm not one of the late starters but I could become so... maybe? LOL. Anyway I wanted to share a bit my lack of experiences.

My 3 years old nephew is praying for me to find a husband and few days ago asked me if I already find a boy friend :lol: :lol: :lol:. I wound't care a crap about the "single" or the not dating situation, but somehow I feel much pressure coming from the social/family/working environment and all the feeling people normally develop as a consequence of it.

If I ever date someone, because I haven't -not in a formal way-, I wish I wouldn't have been a late starter, but here I am with any forecast, except for an uncertain future. That about "not been ready yet" it's just an excuse for me, because I will never be complete ready if I cannot have experiences to grow, I know that age and time can give you maturity to learn how to cope relationships, but practice it, living it, feeling it, been in the situation can be an important key. I have missed as you as well too many stages about growing and relationships, so every time as and adult I have tried to get involved in a relationship there has been lots of strong negative emotions too, I guess it's because I have wanted to hold the illusion of the moment even when I knew I couldn't stretch it for so long to make it last more time. Have you ever tried to pull so hard an elastic band very close to your face? Yeah... I did that mistake.

Sometimes I wish I could have my past back, to have all the silly things that normally teens haves/feels/experiences and at the same time I wish I could have "my future" back too.

OMG hun, I feel 100% like you!!! how old are you? If you ever want to chat, please do PM me. Yes, both of my aunts seem to want me to to 'settle down' or think it's weird that I'm not in a relationship.. but besides them, no one in my family really says anything. They may THINK things but never say anything to me directly about it. I feel like I want/need experiences to grow, and yet I don't want to just settle for any guy or idiot on the street either. I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship.. would rather be happy single! I have a lot going on in my life anyway, so I don't mind the independence and it's easier to be single.. trying to make a bad relationship work takes a lot of time and isn't worth it for the "experience" of pain and unhappiness. As one of my best friends said, "you want the experience of learning to nurture and develop a HEALTHY relationship, NOT an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. What will that really teach you?"

[eamonn]

Just so some of the younger folks in here know, my impression is that it's not actually that odd at all to live the best part into your mid-twenties without having gone out with someone. So you're not really all that late, I think.

[FrozenCherry]

Nobadaba... I have had always things going on since one boy crushed to me when I was 6, lol.... I supposed to marry him but he was.... too sexual :lol:

[FrozenCherry]

I was 20 when I first got a french kiss, I've had a fair share of them and it's my favourite and probably most intimate as I'll get with a woman, it's a shame this only ever happens when I'm shitfaced and don't reserve it for anybody special, guess I was practicing and conforming to the way swxual people do things. Never any sex

I am into french kisses :P

[sophiz]

Just so some of the younger folks in here no, my impression is that it's not actually that odd at all to live the best part into your mid-twenties without having gone out with someone. So you're not really all that late, I think.

why do you say that? i'm 26..

[MadRat]

Just so some of the younger folks in here no, my impression is that it's not actually that odd at all to live the best part into your mid-twenties without having gone out with someone. So you're not really all that late, I think.

I feel it´s the oddest thing from all odd things about me. I´ve dated in brief one boy when I was 19. Now I´m 27 and I think I´m just too used to be single. Or I´m aromantic. Or both.

[towngirl]

Am 43 told am attractive but never been on a date or had a proper boyfriend. Never was intersted in dating or sex even as a teenager or even in my 20s. It didnt help that i was scared of men and didnt have sexual urges and still dont. I would like to experience going on a date but without the sex bit! Dont see that happening as all men want sex or they dont want to know me cos im depressed. I hate it that old men seem to like me! Not flattering at all!

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

...It didnt help that i was scared of men...

Me too I'm a bit scared of them too, so it takes me a long time to trust them and not to think they would want or try to kill me LOL. -_-

[test account]

I hate it that old men seem to like me! Not flattering at all!

Yes it's a bit off, isn't it? I had a 55 yr old seriously hitting on me last year. He kept it up for a few months until I spelled out (as nicely as I could) that I had no desire to be single at his age, as I most likely would be if we got together, because he would be dead.

I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's honest. And why did he not consider it and have the good grace not to pursue me? Really, I think some men are very selfish in wanting younger wives.

[Guest]

I hate it that old men seem to like me! Not flattering at all!

Yes it's a bit off, isn't it? I had a 55 yr old seriously hitting on me last year. He kept it up for a few months until I spelled out (as nicely as I could) that I had no desire to be single at his age, as I most likely would be if we got together, because he would be dead.

I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's honest. And why did he not consider it and have the good grace not to pursue me? Really, I think some men are very selfish in wanting younger wives.

You make the most cutting remarks to men... :lol: I wish I could come up with stuff half that good. Instead I just come up with lame things like, "I live too far away to date you..." yeah.

[biromanticseniorgal]

Is this really true? Never knew that asexuality equated to awkwardness and confusion.

most of the asexual men are the kind you have to ask out because they are too awkward and confused to ask you out.

[test account]

I hate it that old men seem to like me! Not flattering at all!

Yes it's a bit off, isn't it? I had a 55 yr old seriously hitting on me last year. He kept it up for a few months until I spelled out (as nicely as I could) that I had no desire to be single at his age, as I most likely would be if we got together, because he would be dead.

I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's honest. And why did he not consider it and have the good grace not to pursue me? Really, I think some men are very selfish in wanting younger wives.

You make the most cutting remarks to men... :lol: I wish I could come up with stuff half that good. Instead I just come up with lame things like, "I live too far away to date you..." yeah.

I don't think thats lame, its polite :)

Stuff I say is terribly rude, though I seriously dont mean it to be. Afterwards I see the funny side and I crack myself up, but it does make it hard to make friends *sigh*

[Sally]

Really, I think some men are very selfish in wanting younger wives.

Why is it selfish? Younger women look better than older women. We all want what seems better to us, including food that tastes good (cake, for instance), clothing (not rags), houses (with electricity and real floors), and people to be in relationship with (attractive, young, etc.). Just because old(er) men are not attractive to younger women doesn't mean the opposite is true. I find older men icky-looking, even though I'm an older woman. Basically, young people look better than old people. Even though it creeps young people out to be chased by old people.

I have the feeling I said the above somewhere else on AVEN in the dim past.

[daveb]

I'm just a bit put off by the talk of being 55 and almost dead, especially in the "older" forum! (mostly kidding. I will be 55 next month. My last (and only long term) girlfriend was about half a year younger than me. While I do find younger women to be aesthetically pleasing, for a relationship I'm more comfortable with someone closer to my own age.)