how and what does sex communicate?

[Lady Girl]

And this would be the end. I´m not a fan of second, third or fiftieth chances.

It´s horrible when someone is not taken seriously by those who claim they love them. I hate it when my friends talk about this crap or about their partners cheating on them...but they still stay with them. I don´t get why.

Sometimes when people make mistakes with one another, even deal breaking mistakes, they give them another chance, or even 50 more chances. Sometimes it's called forgiveness. But anyway, people in relationships aren't perfect, and that being said...I'm glad for all the second chances I've been given. :D

It seems to me, and I could certainly be wrong about this, but it seems like going through some difficulties with a partner can either drive you completely apart or give you a deeper sense of acceptance and trust. It doesn't mean you don't get upset when they do something hurtful, but it does mean that they know they won't be kicked to the curb for being human...and after you're done being upset, and talk about it, you give them another chance because you've been given 50!

I know that's not strictly about sex, but I think it can apply somewhat since we're talking about what sex communicates. I feel that sex can wordlessly communicate all your feelings of love and acceptance of the other person, faults and all.

It can also communicate a ton of other things I'm sure have already been mentioned. Even the opposite of what I just described, which is sad.

[MadRat]

Sometimes when people make mistakes with one another, even deal breaking mistakes, they give them another chance, or even 50 more chances. Sometimes it's called forgiveness.

In the case of dealbreaking mistakes I wouldn´t call it forgiveness but stupidity. I apologize if you find it offensive.

I´m not willing to forgive certain things and I´m proud on being proud enough to not allow to be treated like a piece of crap.

I wouldn´t forgive it myself if I treated my partner the way how many people do it.

It seems to me, and I could certainly be wrong about this, but it seems like going through some difficulties with a partner can either drive you completely apart or give you a deeper sense of acceptance and trust.

It could only drive me completely apart from him.

It doesn't mean you don't get upset when they do something hurtful, but it does mean that they know they won't be kicked to the curb for being human...and after you're done being upset, and talk about it, you give them another chance because you've been given 50!

I can get upset when they do something annoying. And then I can calm down and see it was only a little unimportant argument about nothing.

When they do something hurtful and moreover something what they know I can´t handle, something I asked them not to do, there´s nothing what could stick together my trust, broken into milion little pieces.

And I´ve never been given 50 chances in anything and I don´t expect it. I don´t know why I should give to someone 50 chances and I don´t know why I should be given 50 chances.

Apparently I wasn´t born for relationships.

[Lady Girl]

I won't be offended at being called stupid, lol! And you have excellent points too.

And just because you don't want to give or receive 50 chances doesn't mean you weren't born for relationships...I didn't mean it that way.

I should have said that's the way it is for me in my relationship. We've done far more than annoy each other; I'm not saying it's ok, and it is hard to forgive myself for what I've done (he probably feels the same way), I'm just saying we have.

I think we tolerate a certain amount of poor behavior because we know we both want to be better people, and we want to work with each other towards that end. For the most part and most of the time, the good outwieghs the bad, but it hasn't always been that way. -_-

[Ladylilly]

It does communicate love for me for sure. I don't know how exactly to explain it but in my mind and how my body feels, it's like a sort of necessity to create and hold a bond. I don't have sex, I make love and making love to me is giving all of myself to my partner. My mind, body, soul is with them and at that point in time everything feels right in the world. Any time I touch him, or he touches me, it's like sending an electric current to my heart making me feel a little more alive and in tune with him. Sounds cheesy and still, it won't make sense to you I'm sure, but that's the best of my ability to explain it. Mind you I make connections and hold the relationship together in many other wonderful ways, but sex for me is a fantastic way to show my love. I am a sexual dating an asexual. I don't force or tell him to have sex with me. When we do have sex it's completely up to him and he does it because he knows it makes me happy and he wants to try and satisfy that need. We have had a lot of rough patches in a short period of time but he's worth it. I've tried to explain the same things to him when he asks me why I need/want it and I usually don't get very far, but he can read me a little better than he used to now, so things are working better for making compromises.

[faraway]

what Im saying with sex, giving (a lot of this applies more to a sexual/sexual relationship, but not all):

I love you so much I want you to feel good.

I love you so much I am willing to do (X) for you.

I love you enough to take my time, touch you, explore you, get to know you and your body, learn what turns you on, and remember. (not unlike getting to know what food you like, I want to know your body just like I know your personality!)

what I'm saying having sex, recieving/both:

I love you enough to be completely vulnerable with you.

I love you so much I want us to be as intimate as physically possible.

I trust you enough to let you see me with all my walls down, so totally that I couldn't put them back up in that moment if I tried.

I feel such a connection with you that I want it to be YOU who shares this with me.

What my current partner is saying to me:

I love you enough I'm willing to explore things, even if I end up not being interested.

I love you enough I want you to feel good, even if I get nothing physically out of it.

I know you trust me and are willing to let me see you vulnerable, I appreciate that trust, and feel intimacy between us.

Are there people who have sex without any of the above feelings? Most certainly. Have I done so myself? Yes, when I was younger and exploring my own sexuality. Now that I am confident in that, I don't feel right having sex without having those feelings.

Sorry, but many of these (not all) sound almost sacrificial. You refer to showing vulnerability, doing things you don't really want to, doing things that you don't enjoy... I think if I was sexual, I wouldn't want my partner to please me for these reasons, it would make me feel extremely selfish. But I see other people fully agreeing with your post, so I'm aware of the possibility that I'm getting it completely wrong, as often happens with sex-related things or even relationships in general.

[Guest]

Sorry, but many of these (not all) sound almost sacrificial. You refer to showing vulnerability, doing things you don't really want to, doing things that you don't enjoy... I think if I was sexual, I wouldn't want my partner to please me for these reasons, it would make me feel extremely selfish. But I see other people fully agreeing with your post, so I'm aware of the possibility that I'm getting it completely wrong, as often happens with sex-related things or even relationships in general.

I see nothing sacrificial here. I, for one, want to be able to be vulnerable and trust that my partner will not violate that. Its a really good feeling. I also see nothing about doing things you don't want to do.

I think, and I could be wrong here, but it seems to me that Indigo's partner was/is asexual, so in the "my current partner is saying to me" section, its referencing a non-repulsed asexual providing pleasure. And lots of asexuals do have sex, and enjoy sex, with their partners, and I don't think anyone involved would call it a sacrifice.

[faraway]

Sorry, but many of these (not all) sound almost sacrificial. You refer to showing vulnerability, doing things you don't really want to, doing things that you don't enjoy... I think if I was sexual, I wouldn't want my partner to please me for these reasons, it would make me feel extremely selfish. But I see other people fully agreeing with your post, so I'm aware of the possibility that I'm getting it completely wrong, as often happens with sex-related things or even relationships in general.

I see nothing sacrificial here. I, for one, want to be able to be vulnerable and trust that my partner will not violate that. Its a really good feeling. I also see nothing about doing things you don't want to do.

I think, and I could be wrong here, but it seems to me that Indigo's partner was/is asexual, so in the "my current partner is saying to me" section, its referencing a non-repulsed asexual providing pleasure. And lots of asexuals do have sex, and enjoy sex, with their partners, and I don't think anyone involved would call it a sacrifice.

Still seems very counter-intuitive to me... I guess I'll just have to settle for not understanding it.

[Alter-Echo]

For me..sex is as much emotional as it is physical, it's hard to decribe, but for me it's a bonding experience, it's an act of love....prolly why I fail at every relationship...to alot of peeps it's just pleasure.

[Meph]

Umm... First I would like to say the humans ARE animals, so animalistic behaviour is to be expected from some of us. Second, sex does not cummunicate anything other that the desire to feel pleasure and/or reproduce. Some people say it is to show love and whatnot, but my personal opinion is that something so common and instinctual is not the best way to show someone you love them. Perhaps a sophisticated poem or fine house-made dinner with some fancy music under the moonlight at the beach/park/roof of your house would be much more romantic and would tell someone that you love them. But that's just me.

[Lady Heartilly]

Any time I touch him, or he touches me, it's like sending an electric current to my heart making me feel a little more alive and in tune with him. Sounds cheesy and still, it won't make sense to you I'm sure, but that's the best of my ability to explain it. Mind you I make connections and hold the relationship together in many other wonderful ways, but sex for me is a fantastic way to show my love.

Well, I feel that way a lot when I touch someone I'm in love with or am touched by someone I'm in love with, but why does that touching specifically have to be in the sexual regions? I'm not trying to be rude or anything; I just don't understand it. If you feel that touch communicates this, then the way I see is that there are all sorts of ways to touch someone you love, and they don't have to only be in that area.

[Vampyremage]

Umm... First I would like to say the humans ARE animals, so animalistic behaviour is to be expected from some of us. Second, sex does not cummunicate anything other that the desire to feel pleasure and/or reproduce. Some people say it is to show love and whatnot, but my personal opinion is that something so common and instinctual is not the best way to show someone you love them. Perhaps a sophisticated poem or fine house-made dinner with some fancy music under the moonlight at the beach/park/roof of your house would be much more romantic and would tell someone that you love them. But that's just me.

I would never invalidate someone's feelings as tied into a certain act, in this case sex. I am certainly never going to tell someone that they are being dishonest when they say sex, for them, communicates things like love and affection. I can say that it doesn't communicate that to me personally, but I am of the opinion more and more than many asexuals are simply not able to receive the same messages that sex gives to many sexuals. Just because sex does not communicate love TO YOU does not mean that sex does not communicate love to many many other people.

[Cazz333]

Sex communicates in the most simple ways possible. When we were children we made weird noises, touched things with our hands and mouth, and explored the world in a very tactile way. Sex is this for relationships and adults. By experiencing someone physically in this way I'm able to explore who they are. It can happen through something like hugging, cuddling, or laughing too. But, with sex you are as unfiltered as possible. If you are having sex with someone you truly know cares about you and accepts you, then you can be totally yourself. You can allow yourself to be so vulnerable and you can see that vulnerability in someone else. Knowing someone sexually means you know them naked, not just without clothes but without all the filters we put up in society to protect ourselves. It is the default way to get to this level of closeness and is (for me) the easiest. You dont have anywhere to hide when you are really in the throws with someone else. You can feel their pulse, you are in rhythm, can feel the pace of their breath. If you are good as a pair you feed from each others energy and feel greater together then you ever could experiencing something apart.

It is the same feeling I get as when I play music in an ensemble. People syncing up their minds and bodies to communicate with each other and the audience. You breathe together and move together. In music you have a different "language" to communicate feelings to the audience. Its like learning that there are words you never knew existed. I feel the same with sex. You can communicate in ways you can't otherwise and say things that aren't able to be expressed in other ways.

Do I think sex is the only way to communicate this? Probably not but it is what has come most easily and naturally for me. I think I could be in a mixed relationship because I think with work and true open communication you can find other ways to communicate the same things. But for me personally, sex is the easy answer and if it is mutually enjoyable then it's a great way to express those things.

What does sex communicate? Depends on the day, depends on the people, depends on the situation. Some examples from my experience "Thank you" "You are gorgeous" "You make me incredibly happy" "I'm so glad we found each other" "This feels just right" "I care about you deeply" "I want you" "Let's get this over with" "Ok, fine" "I finally feel relaxed" "Oh thank god" "Ahhh" "*sigh*"... some of those are good, some bad, and there are many more.

I guess it's a way of knowing something with someone else without having to trip over language. Of course, sex can also communicate nothing, in my experience this sex is not good and not enjoyable. If one or both or all of the people are closed off emotionally or mentally that barrier will get in the way of sex communicating anything. It can also be much more superficial and the communication then becomes superficial. Like going to lunch with co-workers. You are talking but are no where near as open as you would be in the same situation with a bunch of close friends. You might still have a great, stimulating, and enjoyable conversation. But, you walk away not much closer to those people then you started.

Hopefully that wasn't too rambling and made sense to those who chose to read it.

It makes sense really and I happen to see sex like that in a general sense. In a personal sex just communicates to me, "This is fun, I trust you."

Even with AIDS, and all, sex for me on a gut level is just another physical activity for me. Massage on the other hand is something I really only want my life partners to do. I feel really weird just getting a massage from just anyone. It feels like a cheap one night stand.

Sex on the other hand, meh, I could do it way more often if it wasn't so dangerous. i don't feel sexual attraction as such but I definitely do get some kind of sensual physical pleasure from it. I have it with solo sex and probably would have that same sense, with someone else.

[Guest]

Umm... First I would like to say the humans ARE animals, so animalistic behaviour is to be expected from some of us. Second, sex does not cummunicate anything other that the desire to feel pleasure and/or reproduce. Some people say it is to show love and whatnot, but my personal opinion is that something so common and instinctual is not the best way to show someone you love them. Perhaps a sophisticated poem or fine house-made dinner with some fancy music under the moonlight at the beach/park/roof of your house would be much more romantic and would tell someone that you love them. But that's just me.

I would never invalidate someone's feelings as tied into a certain act, in this case sex. I am certainly never going to tell someone that they are being dishonest when they say sex, for them, communicates things like love and affection. I can say that it doesn't communicate that to me personally, but I am of the opinion more and more than many asexuals are simply not able to receive the same messages that sex gives to many sexuals. Just because sex does not communicate love TO YOU does not mean that sex does not communicate love to many many other people.

A private, house-made dinner would tell me that my date doesn't understand me very well. There are few things I hate more than dining at people's homes. I find it so incredibly awkward (not always, but often).

Sex is the channel by which the communication is traveling. It is the paint to a painting, language to a poem, ingredients to a dinner... sex doesn't communicate anything unless its used by the right person in the right way.

[Samael]

Umm... First I would like to say the humans ARE animals, so animalistic behaviour is to be expected from some of us. Second, sex does not cummunicate anything other that the desire to feel pleasure and/or reproduce. Some people say it is to show love and whatnot, but my personal opinion is that something so common and instinctual is not the best way to show someone you love them. Perhaps a sophisticated poem or fine house-made dinner with some fancy music under the moonlight at the beach/park/roof of your house would be much more romantic and would tell someone that you love them. But that's just me.

I would never invalidate someone's feelings as tied into a certain act, in this case sex. I am certainly never going to tell someone that they are being dishonest when they say sex, for them, communicates things like love and affection. I can say that it doesn't communicate that to me personally, but I am of the opinion more and more than many asexuals are simply not able to receive the same messages that sex gives to many sexuals. Just because sex does not communicate love TO YOU does not mean that sex does not communicate love to many many other people.

A private, house-made dinner would tell me that my date doesn't understand me very well. There are few things I hate more than dining at people's homes. I find it so incredibly awkward (not always, but often).

Sex is the channel by which the communication is traveling. It is the paint to a painting, language to a poem, ingredients to a dinner... sex doesn't communicate anything unless its used by the right person in the right way.

I think that generally speaking, having sex primarily communicates the desire to express one's sexual self, or lust for another person's body. On top of this, I have no doubt that many sexual people will also feel it communicates love/affection etc.

To me, it seems that having sex is primarily a sexual person's animal instinct. Since love may be assumed to exist independently of sex, it is presumed that sex does not have to be had in order to show one's love for another. Yet, from what I've heard, a great many sexual people are keen on having sex if they love each other. Also, a great many sexual people seem to not be keen on having sex if they no longer love each other (relationship-wise, excluding prostitution). As such, it may be that for sexual creatures sex is often a prerequisite of love and/or vice versa.

In the end, I'll just have to settle for an outsider's opinion on this one, since I'm not a sexual person nor have I felt romantic feelings or had sex. As such, my thoughts may be flawed.

[Cazz333]

Interesting. Can't say as I see love and sex as two distinct things. Oddly enough, love for me has no sexual basis, but sex has a romantic basis but is tied to physical and sensual attraction in me.

[MiniLo]

Umm... First I would like to say the humans ARE animals, so animalistic behaviour is to be expected from some of us. Second, sex does not cummunicate anything other that the desire to feel pleasure and/or reproduce. Some people say it is to show love and whatnot, but my personal opinion is that something so common and instinctual is not the best way to show someone you love them. Perhaps a sophisticated poem or fine house-made dinner with some fancy music under the moonlight at the beach/park/roof of your house would be much more romantic and would tell someone that you love them. But that's just me.

I would never invalidate someone's feelings as tied into a certain act, in this case sex. I am certainly never going to tell someone that they are being dishonest when they say sex, for them, communicates things like love and affection. I can say that it doesn't communicate that to me personally, but I am of the opinion more and more than many asexuals are simply not able to receive the same messages that sex gives to many sexuals. Just because sex does not communicate love TO YOU does not mean that sex does not communicate love to many many other people.

A private, house-made dinner would tell me that my date doesn't understand me very well. There are few things I hate more than dining at people's homes. I find it so incredibly awkward (not always, but often).

Sex is the channel by which the communication is traveling. It is the paint to a painting, language to a poem, ingredients to a dinner... sex doesn't communicate anything unless its used by the right person in the right way.

Same. Being given things like dinners and poems does not say love to me. Give me your time, your patience, and your raw physicality. It just so happens that some of my favorite expressions of love happen under the guise of sex, even though it oftentimes lacks all the hallmarks (like penetration, or erotic stimulation, even). It's easy to put someone you love on a pedestal... and leave them there. The will to tear them to pieces is one of the penultimate acts of love in my eyes, especially when it's peppered with sweet nothings and dinners and long walks on the beach. And very much more important than sex. That's cause I'm a kinkster, of course. :P

Sex or no sex, it's about the language that you are able to most completely express who you really are to someone through. For some, words and hugging isn't descriptive enough. For others, sex isn't enough either. And for others yet, sex doesn't describe them well at all.