Quotes

[anima]

One of the things I happen to have a collection of is quotes. (I also have movie ticket stubs, fortunes from fortune cookies, marbles, and insanity.) WARNING: Lengthy post. :) And this isn't even a 10th of what I have. (w00t.)

Some of my favourites (besides the ones in my sig.) are these:

When stating the obvious, never use cunning. Yelling works better.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!

Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. I usually lie and say Desperate Measures isn't home. (-Me)

He who controls the spice controls the universe. (C'mon, there have to be a few Dune fans out there, right? ... Right?)

Today’s forecast is an 80% chance for whatever you’re not prepared for. (-my dad, actually)

It’s not like I’m completely out of it, it’s just that I misplaced myself, oh, 10 years ago.

Nuclear Fission is nice, but none of the really cosmic breakthroughs can hope to surpass the utility and availability of the white 5-gallon plastic bucket. -J. Taylor Buckley

The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred... -Soichiro Honda

... you have *no* people skills! Assassination does *not* count as a people skill!

You, you, and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.

The problem with reality is the lack of background music.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.

I can bend minds with my spoon.

A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five!

Photons have mass?!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!!

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren’t wiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, then yippee!

A woman without a man is like a Vulcan without a pogo stick.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

I think being sick has an effect on my behaviour. I’m more goofy, more outgoing, and I smile more. Strange, but this seems to make others want to bash my head in.

Power corrupts. But Absolute Power is kinda neat.

Where are we going? And what’s with the handbasket?

Therapy is expensive. Poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger and tell someone to ‘bite me!’

True neutrality means never having to say you’re sorry.

Get thee down. Be thou funky.

The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.

If you’re one in a million, there are ten of you in New York.

Revenge is a dish best served with whipped cream, nuts, and those lil cherry thingys.

Evangelists say Halloween is the devil’s holiday. What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going, ‘I’ve got control of the major corporations, churning out weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me think--I’ll get the children of the world to dress up as hobos and Power Rangers--and then I’ll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! I am Satan!’

I’ll get a life when someone demonstrates that it would be superior to what I have now.

From a mind so twisted, it’s actually sprained...

Why don’t people understand that ‘excuse me’ means ‘please get the fuck out of my way’?

Eskimo’s have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of it. In the English language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Never moon a werewolf.

/earth is 98% full........................ delete anyone you can......

Power Corrupts;

Absolute power corrupts absolutely;

God is all-powerful.

Draw your own conclusions.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Opposite sex - no, I haven’t tried it yet, but it sounds interesting.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.

I’m not evil; I’m creatively maladjusted.

Close only counts with horse shoes, hand grenades, and thermo-nuclear explosions.

I know I’m going to hell, but that’s okay. I already have roomies lined up.

The nucleus is kinda like a brain, right? So you could say the atom is crazy. (on unstable atoms)

9 out of 10 constipated people just don’t give a shit.

The worst thing in life to be without is love, but toilet paper is a close second.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before...

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Maybe you should go to E-bay and buy a clue.

Does dark have a speed too?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than ‘I told you so’.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

Do not follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

If you can’t do it twice, you can’t do it at all.

Please don’t disillusion me. I haven’t had breakfast yet.

English does not borrow from other languages. It corners them in dark alleyways, bashes them over the head, and goes through their pockets for loose vocabulary.

What about you guys? You have any favourite quotes? If so, what are they?

[-V-]

Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.

If you have legs and are flammable you are never blocking a fire exit.

Smile or I'll kill you.

SPOON!

It is not enough merely to succeed: one's friends must also fail.

Whenever I hear the word "culture", it makes me want to reach for my revolver.

Of course it belongs to me, I'm a communist.

[The_Echidna]

WOW. A lot of those are now my favourites. I might have a few, but I think they pale in comparison to yours my dear.

"Farts are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike"

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointmant of having a scoop of icecream fall from the cone.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people

People who live in glass houses have to answer the bell.

"I didn't want reality to ruin my rich imaginary life"

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

Before you criticise someone you should walk a mile in there shoes. That way when you criticise them you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

Denying the inevitable is like mowing the lawn with a bucket of fish - it might seem fun at first but it just doesn't make any sense.

"Ums make great hiding places for things you are thinking but can't say"

"You don't realise how cold coleslaw can be until someone stuffs it down your pants"

To the crazy person the normal one is insane

Adults grow up to be children

Quitting isn't always a bad idea

A boat floats - until it sinks

Some desire, others admire

Why is it that madmen are so often perceptive?

Everything happens twice

Laugh til' it hurts - cry til' you laugh

HELP! My house is trying to kill me! Ouch.

All the quotes in (") are from an Australian Comedian known as The Sandman, who I highly regard. Not as good as most of yours, but hopefully different. Enjoy!

[quietbraggadocio]

Speak not against anyone whose burden you have not weighed yourself. - Marion Zimmer Bradley

Four things come not back. The spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity. - Saudi Arabian Proverb

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. -Leo Buscaglia (1925 - 1998) US author, educator

A broken bone can heal, but the wound a word opens can fester forever. -Jessamyn West (1902 - 1984) US author

In conversation the game is, to say something new with old words. And you shall observe a man of the people picking his way along, step by step, using every time an old boulder, yet never setting his foot on an old place. -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) US philosopher, poet, essayist

The finest words in the world are only vain sounds, if you cannot comprehend them. - Anatole France

[Kez]

One by one the penguins steal my sanity.

I tried sniffing coke, but the ice-cubes got caught in my nose.

The prolonged application of a polysyllabic vocabulary infallibly exercises a deleterious influence on the fecundity of expression, rendering the ultimate tendency apocryphal.

[Silly Green Monkey]

A woman without a man is like a Vulcan without a pogo stick.

Power Corrupts;

Absolute power corrupts absolutely;

God is all-powerful.

Draw your own conclusions.

I love that first one. It's sort of like the fish without a bicycle.

You have left a part out of the quote, the original author actually said that "absolute power corrupts absolutely, in the majority of cases." To leave that part out denies free will and choice, indicating that any time anyone gets power, they WILL be corrupted, they have no choice in the matter.

I firmly believe that when I get absolute power, I won't be corrupted. Much.

[Bestatued Head]

Anything that makes you pay more attention than you want to, is an irritant.- John Flansburgh

Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.- Janeane Garofalo

There is something in the organisation of natural history and in history itself that leaves me to suppose that there is much more out there than we can comprehend. When I say "out there", I'm not sure that I don't really mean "in here"...inside ourselves. I don't subscribe to any religious dogma, but I'm closer to believeing in god than I am to being agnostic. I believe in the idea that there are matters that are spiritual. -Roger Waters

[KSpaz]

"Unless he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told it to you."

-Jack Sparrow *grins*

"I think I understand, but I'm sure I don't."

-Schmendrick

"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, and smacking your head on the linoleum underneath."

-(just don't ask)

[Kevin Wood]

One of the things I happen to have a collection of is quotes.

Blimey, you certainly do, me old mate. These are brilliant - thanks for sharing. I love the ones everyone else has posted too.

I have loads meself, and can't think of any of them right now :?

Very entertaining - cheers,

Kev

[Einstein]

I firmly believe that when I get absolute power

The "when" in this disturbs me, are you planning world domination? Oh well...who better?

My favourite quote is from no less than Einstein himself:

"If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?" :D

[Jordan]

"When a christian starts a sentence with the words, 'god hates...', it is the scripture that is sodomized."- Bard of Aven

I think I'll add that to my sig.

[anima]

A woman without a man is like a Vulcan without a pogo stick.

Power Corrupts;

Absolute power corrupts absolutely;

God is all-powerful.

Draw your own conclusions.

I love that first one. It's sort of like the fish without a bicycle.

You have left a part out of the quote, the original author actually said that "absolute power corrupts absolutely, in the majority of cases." To leave that part out denies free will and choice, indicating that any time anyone gets power, they WILL be corrupted, they have no choice in the matter.

I firmly believe that when I get absolute power, I won't be corrupted. Much.

First one: I was actually going to post "fish without a bicycle" but then I found that one in my pages.

Second one: I'll be sure to correct that in my quotes file, then. Didn't know that. :) Hey, you learn something every day.

[winged]

"brevity is the soul of wit"

[anima]

You know, Brad... you should register those glasses as lethal weapons...

-Schuldig, in "Rosenkreuz, Sweet Rosenkreuz" (a fanfic of the anime Weiß Kreuz)

When you feel that nobody loves you,

Nobody cares for you,

And everyone is ignoring you,

You should start asking yourself........................

Am I just TOO sexy?

You're the puzzle piece behind the couch who makes the sky complete.

-Lemonheads

The following two are from a Lord of the Rings comedy fanfic called "Odd Parody Land" by someone I sort-of know:

BUM BUM BUUUUUMMMMM!!!

Mary-Sauron, from far away: Damn.

Those two just amused me while I was reading "OPL".

[pejoratist]

Those who dance seem crazy to those who can't hear the music.

Kids are like any other group of people: A few winners, a whole bunch of losers.

[Adnama]

I also colect quotes. By the sound of it, you're collection is a tad more extensive than mine- though I'm adding all the time [added several just now... hehe]

Hmmm *flips though her book for some favorites...*

"My play was a complete sucess. The audiance was a failer."

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I ment."

"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that heald its ground."

"Reality is mearly an illusion, albeit a very persistant one." -Einstein

"To be nobody but my self in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." e.e. cummings

"Un being dead isn't being alive"- e.e cummings

"Conformists look around and fallow closely; non-conformists look around and do the opposite; individualists don't look around alot." -Eromon D'Alyzala

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -Calvin and Hobbes

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not" -Mark Twain.

"Just because I have a short attention span dosn't mean I"

"If at first you don't succeede, skydiveing is not for you."

"Consistancy isn't always good, especialy if you're consitantly wrong."

"Bacon and eggs- a day's work for the chicken, a lifetime investment for th e pig."

"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"

"The universe is a figment of it's own imagination."

"Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Austrialia."

"Anyone who is capable of being made president shouldn on no acount be allowd to do the job." -Douglas Adams.

"Insainity- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."

"What sane person could liv ein this world and not be crazy?"

In adition to the 'famouse' ones, I also collect the stupidisms of those around me:

"Tomorrow is the day after tomorrow's yesterday's today."

"You're tricking into thinking us!"

"How can thou art?"

"You live in a rock under a cave!" [refureing to me]

"Yesterday is the last day of school right?"

"I'm a theft!"

"I guy has guy... kiss...essence!" [explaining the fact that guys and girls kiss differently... we have odd conversations.]

-Those are all from the same person, a friend of mine.

Hmm... I think this post is long enough for now hehe.