My girlfriend admittet she's asexual.. but I'm not really sure.. help.

[Caprica]

Hi.

I'm new to this forum and the whole concept of "asexuality" and would really like some advice.

I'm an adult male in my 30's and I'm what this forum describes as sexual.

I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 8 months now.

When we first got together everything was absolutely perfect. She was, pardon the expression, sexually normal.

We watched a lot of movies in the couch and we sat close together, cuddled, kissed and the frequency of sexual intercourse was absolutely normal.

The only issue in our relationship was that she did not want anyone else to see her naked and told me she needed time to trust the person before she allowed this.

I respected this of course and thought nothing more of it.

I have two kids from before, but I've always wanted more kids so we decided, quite early, that we would want to have one together.

After a while, over the next 3-4 months, I noticed her becoming less and less interested in cuddling and kissing.

The intercourse part held up, but I feel this was only due to us trying to have a baby. I could almost feel her frustration when she said we "had" to have sex again etc.

I talked to her about the cuddling and kissing part and she told be she wasn't a very "cuddling" person and that there was nothing wrong with me, but her.

After a while she became pregnant however and my fears were realized. The sex almost completely stopped.

A while later she admitted to me and our closest friends that she did NOT have any need for sex what so ever. Never has.

I asked her later on, why then did you enjoy sex and all the other stuff when we first got together?

She told me this was due to it being "something new and exciting" and told me this has happened in all her previous relationships.

I must admit I felt ... betrayed by this. Couldn't she just have told me at first that this would happen? I mean, when you meet the perfect girl and everything clicks and she seems to enjoy all the things you do in a relationship.. and then all that suddenly changes.. and she KNEW this would happen.. is that proper behavior?

A week ago she came upon a site about asexuality and blunt out said in a satisfied voice "ah.. so maybe that's what I am? I'm asexual.. hah!"

I admit I felt.. horrible when she uttered those words. And when she looked at me she asked me if I was angry or upset. I told her "what do you think?"

We argued a bit and she blunt out told me that she does NOT want to have sex AT all and from now on the "pity sex" she'd given me had to stop. She didn't wanna turn her body over to me just to satisfy my needs... and if I couldn't respect that.. I should just find someone else.

I told her I'd try my very best. I love her so much and want to make this work.. but I just feel like she doesn't care about my feelings.

Know what? I'd almost be fine with having zero sex. I've lived several years as single.

The thing I DO miss in a relationship is the closeness. showing my affection for her via kissing, cuddling or just being close to her.

She likes NONE of that. She has zero need for kissing, cuddling, holding hands, laying in my lap when watching a movie etc. nothing!

Only thing I'm "allowed" to so is rub her fit when she wants and give her a back rub.

As you all may have noticed this really IS a "cry for help", because I'm at ends her on what to do.. As I said, I love her soo much and she has so many good qualities that I love about her.. but I just feel, at times, that she simply has no feelings for me.

She tells me she loves me though.

What should I do? IS what she telling me simply what asexuality is?

Does someone who's asexual have "normal" regular sex and closeness in the beginning of a relationship.. and then just suddenly resent all of that as the plague itself?

Or is there something else?

Is there any way to actually "persuade" (even though I hate that word) her to be intimate? If not the sex part then at least SOME kissing or some form of affection?

I've been searching my own feelings these past days and I can't really picture the next 40 years living with someone without ever kissing them, holding their hands or showing some sort of affection what so ever.

I mean; Isn't a romantic relationship, asexual or not, suppose to be about two people showing affection for one another in SOME way?

If not, I might as well get a male room mate and split the living costs!

It's so frustrating. I love her and 90% of the time when looking at her I wanna hold her and kiss her.

Pardon the guy reference; It's like owning an awesome Ferrari ... but you have to keep it in the garage and just look at it.

You can't drive it.. you can't even open the door and try out the seats.

I really need help her.

[Lucinda]

Hello Caprica,

Some folks have admitted to engaging in certain activities at the beginning as fostered by the "New Relationship Energy" or "infatuation stage" or "honeymoon phase". They see sex as a means of bonding the relationship, but once they feel bonded, they have no more need for sex simply for sex's sake.

Likewise, there are folks who see sex as a means to an end, such as having a child, but sex is not the end itself.

There are some folks who are affectionate as a way of showing and giving. For others, it is a signal that they want it to culminate in sex, so one person may back off from showing affection if they don't want sex. And then there are folks who generally aren't the affectionate type.

Your post has a couple of red flags that I would have discussed with you if we had been friends and you opened up the conversation. Since that didn't happen, and there is a baby on the way, we must deal with the here and now.

However she describes herself is what asexuality means to her. Regardless of any label, she seems to have made it clear what her views are on sex and affection. Would she be more affectionate if she knew that sex wasn't an expectation? Well, you would have to ask her to find out.

There are no "supposed to" in a romantic relationship. Whatever a romantic relationship entails for you is up to you. If you don't feel you are in a romantic relationship with her, then perhaps you should redefine the relationship to more closely reflect what it actually is. Accept her. Accept yourself. Accept the relationship for what it actually is. The benefit for you is that you will be better able to determine what you want for yourself and how to proceed for yourself.

One thing you may want to ponder: since you both decided early on that you both wanted a child and wanted one soon, could that be the main reason that you both got into this relationship? Do the fine qualities you both see in each other have alot to do with seeing each other as a good co-parent? Perhaps that is the real base of your relationship?

All the best,

Lucinda

[Pamcakes]

Caprica, I'd say it's more like storing a Ferrari for a friend, since her body doesn't belong to you, and you have no inherent entitlement to the use of it.

Nevertheless, I do have sympathy for you. I can imagine how frustrated and confused and even deceived you feel, and while your girlfriend's Asexuality should be considered valid, as she has the right tidentify however feels right to her, it doesn't sound like she's been very considerate of your needs, emotional or otherwise, with how she's been relating to you lately. There seems to be an overabundance of ultimatums and aggressive language on her part in your post; she won't compromise even to cuddle with you, she sees any sexual compromise as surrendering her physical autonomy ("turning her body over to you") and she has outright stated that you have to like it or lump it, and that it's her way or the highway. From how you have presented this information, it does not seem that she is behaving with any real tenderness towards you, or consideration, empathy or respect for the fact that your needs are as valid as her own. Her Asexuality doesn't seem to be the real issue here; her callousness does.

It's absolutely none of my business why the pair of you started trying for a baby almost immediately after beginning to date. That's between the two of you. But having a child is a lifelong commitment, generally, to another person, and most people find it advisable to wait to know each other reasonably well first, specifically to assess long-term compatibility and to avoid these sorts of nasty surprises.

Purely from the information you've given, I don't believe this relationship can survive long-term - not because of your girlfriend's disinterest in physical affection, but because of her disregard for your need for it. It certainly doesn't seem like she could be persuaded to compromise.

P.

[Sally]

Lest you think that your girlfriend's behavior to you is "asexual" behavior, it isn't. The only thing common to most asexuals is the lack of sexual attraction to other people. Sometimes asexuals can have some feeling of attraction at the start of a relationship, but that's not really common. Otherwise, we're all individuals, with individual personalities. She may not have actually deceived you in the strict sense, but she certainly didn't ask you whether you, an obviously sexual person, would go along with fathering a child and presumably being a full partner with someone who didn't want sex.

Aside from that, I agree with Pam that no matter where your relationship leads, you are going to have a child together which apparently both of you wanted, and it seems that you and she should talk this over and get it straight whether there can be some agreeable compromise between you before the child is born. If you're not married and don't intend to get married, the discussion should include your legally agreeing to help financially raise the child. That way, if you don't stay together, the child will have two legal parents. I wish you luck.

[Not-You]

If you're not married and don't intend to get married, the discussion should include your legally agreeing to help financially raise the child. That way, if you don't stay together, the child will have two legal parents. I wish you luck.

OT:

In case anybody is curious, most states (probably all) have laws that say "you made a baby = you pay to help raise it." Now whether anybody (the mother, typically, but certainly not always) actually seeks to have those laws enforced in each individual case is another question. There are a lot of deadbeats, and a lot of parents who just say "meh, I don't care if they give me child support."

But the child has the right to $ from both parents, basically.

[Sally]

In case anybody is curious, most states (probably all) have laws that say "you made a baby = you pay to help raise it." Now whether anybody (the mother, typically, but certainly not always) actually seeks to have those laws enforced in each individual case is another question. There are a lot of deadbeats, and a lot of parents who just say "meh, I don't care if they give me child support."

But the child has the right to $ from both parents, basically.

The state can only enforce that if the father is named on the birth certificate and agrees legally to be responsible.

[Not-You]

In case anybody is curious, most states (probably all) have laws that say "you made a baby = you pay to help raise it." Now whether anybody (the mother, typically, but certainly not always) actually seeks to have those laws enforced in each individual case is another question. There are a lot of deadbeats, and a lot of parents who just say "meh, I don't care if they give me child support."

But the child has the right to $ from both parents, basically.

The state can only enforce that if the father is named on the birth certificate and agrees legally to be responsible.

Ok. I'll speak for Colorado then. The mother names the father on the BC (doesn't need his consent, either). If he says "it's not my child," the court will order a genetic test. He doesn't have to agree to being legally responsible for financial support. It's automatically a legal responsibility. It's up to somebody with standing to seek enforcement, however.

I don't know how it works in other states, but I assume most of them are this way.

Sorry to threadjack, OP. I'll stop.

Edit: foot-->meet mouth. Women unmarried at conception or birth need to have the father sign an inclusion document to be named on the BC. I stand corrected. :redface: The rest stands, though. "Fathers" have an automatic legal obligation to financially support the child in CO (mothers also have this obligation).

[SASE Icecream man]

As for what Not-Trapped and Sally said, I'd definitly recomend that you are both in the childs life and support it. Actually, I know first hand how hard it can be to only have one parent. My mom and my dad were about to get married, but then my mom discovered she was pregnet with me and wanted to wait. But then things took an unexpectent turn: Dad got addicted to drugs and left. All my life my mom has worked her butt off to keep us aflout, and for the first two years of my life we were going from apartment to apartment. We even lived at grandma's house for a while, because she need to get some money. And dad never paid a dime. That's why I serously recomend that you both equally support the child. Why I recomend that you are both in the childs life is because I never had a father. I never went to the daddy-daughter dances, and that really hurt. Now I really miss not having a father. Not only because it made me sad my mom was alone, but because theres so many expeirences that come with growing up with a male in the house. Not to mention all the problems that are going on in my life that I don't want to discuss here that might've been prevented if he was in my life. And now, I almost hate him. because he left, made my mom sad, made her clean up his mess and support his child. I'm not saying that the same would happen to you're child, but that's how I feel, going through that. I don't know what possessed you to want a child so quickly, to create another human being with someone it doesn't sound like you know too well, but one thing I now is that that child will most likly be so much happier with two parents, instead of one.

[Caprica]

Thank you all for the great responses!

You've all given me.. alot to think about..

Lucinda:

You bring up good points there. Would she be more open to cuddling if I explained her that's the ONLY thing I need? Maybe I should have a talk to her.

Alot have happened during the course our relationship and we did not discuss children at ALL before hand.

Without wanting to go into more details, it is not based on a child.

That I can assure you.

Pamcakes:

Interesting counter reference about the car.. :)

Your post is the one that struck me the most, seeing as I've lately have had many of the same feelings.. the whole "my way or the highway" is actually something I brought up with her earlier.. I actually threatened to leave her if she did not straighten up. She promised she would do her best...specially her jealousy (which is huge), but I can't really see it's happened.

I guess I'm just a soft person.. I hate conflict and generally want things to work out as good as possible.

Regarding the baby; I can see that some of you feel it's very early and quite irresponsible, but when we decided on this things were going so great and we talked about if we both wanted more children.

I've always wanted more children and also feel time is catching up to me so it was maybe a hasty decision, but a decision none the less.

I can assure you, and everyone reading this, however that I will be there for my child no matter what.

I have two children from a previous marriage that are my life. The new one coming I would treat no differently.

I just hope that if this relationship ends up in the gutter, she and I can work together as best we can and raise the child equally.

I still HOPE however that we can work this out and that she also realize that it "takes two to tango" in a relationship and that she has to respect my feelings as well.

Sally:

What you say here is quite puzzling. She's had quite a few relationships before me, and have told me she's had sex during the "initiation" every time, but that it fades out after a while.

This is why I think this could be something other than asexuality... or maybe, as you said, it's simply how SHE is?

I dunno.. I still feel confused, frightened, upset... I think back to the first 3 months of the relationship with joy and happiness.. how great it was .. how absolutely awesome it was.. why would she not continue with that? It's so hard for me to grasp any part of asexuality what so ever. It's like learning a new language without a translator.

But as you said.. why did she initiate a relationship withholding such information from me? Was she afraid I would simply leave?

Still I feel she should have told me, and I admit that's what really bugs me the most.

The reason I question if she's really asexual or not is ... certain things have happened earlier in her life.. things I don't wanna bring up in a public forum.. but they are things I would assume would cause tention on a sexual level... the only thing weird about it.. is I would think it would be the other way around.. that she'd not want to have intercourse until she was confident and trusting of the person..

To me it almost feels as if she is, unintentionally and subconsciously, afraid of true commitment. Committing solely to one person and making him an extention of herself...

I've noticed that she more than often RARELY use the term "US" in a discussion about daily matters... "SHE" is thinking about what type of clothes the baby should have, "SHE'S" looking forward to picking up baby chairs etc .. "SHE", "SHE", "SHE"... never "US", "WE" etc.

I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting, but I just feel as if she, deep down, just want to be alone.

Well, seems like I've managed to make myself even more confused here :P

Can anyone please smack me hard in the head and tell me what on EARTH I should do, not to mention think?

SASE:

I'm so sorry to heard about your sitation... it TRULY breaks my heart into tiny pieces hearing a story like that.

How anyone could EVER abandon their child is a million miles beyond me.

I can, again, assure you that my child will lack no love or care from me, and I will push mountains to make his/her life as good as possible :)

TO ALL:

Thank you all for the replies back. Truly this site is a blessing for someone like me who can't make heads or tails about these matters.

Please respond back with any thoughts, ideas, or advice you may feel to share and don't be afraid to think your response might sound hurtful in any way.

The truth sometimes hurts, but it heals as well and I need to hear it. :)

[Lucinda]

Caprica,

I could continue to throw out more thoughts, but in the end, I am not her.

Why didn't she tell you that the initiation always fades in previous relationships? I don't know. Perhaps she thought this time would be different. Why did you throw caution to the wind when you sensed her frustration at having to have sex again in order to conceive? I don't know. Which one of you should I beat up first?

You have BOTH said "my way or the highway". You BOTH have trust issues ... yours based on a sense of betrayal ... hers based on jealousy. This relationship is on shaky grounds and it is not hard to imagine that she may not want to commit to something that she may consider doomed. In fact, she may consider all relationships doomed.

To me it almost feels as if she is, unintentionally and subconsciously, afraid of true commitment. Committing solely to one person and making him an extention of herself...

I've noticed that she more than often RARELY use the term "US" in a discussion about daily matters... "SHE" is thinking about what type of clothes the baby should have, "SHE'S" looking forward to picking up baby chairs etc .. "SHE", "SHE", "SHE"... never "US", "WE" etc.

I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting, but I just feel as if she, deep down, just want to be alone.

Is this your gut instincts talking? If so, you better listen up (or I will have no choice but to beat you up first! :P )

What should you do? If she wants to be alone or prefers to be alone as opposed to dealing with all the expectations in a relationship, then I don't know if there is anything you can do. If she doesn't trust you and/or the long-term potential of the relationship, then what can you do if you are not satisfied with the current relationship either? I don't know if there is anything that could cause this relationship to go back to the way it was in the beginning. I cannot offer false hope. I cannot guarantee what will happen in the future.

What do you think you should do?

Lucinda

[SASE Icecream man]

I'd quote it, but I'm having computer problems so.... Ditto on what lucinda said. Listen to your gut. Does it tell you that she really wants to work this out, or that she doesn't? I recomend you figure this out before people start getting hurt: You, the baby, and her. Try talking to her, telling her what she does that upsets you, and maybe she can say if anything you do upsets her. Communication is how realationships survive. It sounds to me that things aren't going too well, and you can't survive as a couple like that. Maybe you need to hit the highway, or maybe you'd like to stay. From what I can tell, she's not treating you right, and in my opinion, that's going to have to change if you two want this to work. Just think long and hard about you're choice. P.S. I'm glad that you're staying in your childs life. :) Best of luck to you, SASE.

[Pamcakes]

Regarding the baby; I can see that some of you feel it's very early and quite irresponsible, but when we decided on this things were going so great and we talked about if we both wanted more children.

I've always wanted more children and also feel time is catching up to me so it was maybe a hasty decision, but a decision none the less.

I can assure you, and everyone reading this, however that I will be there for my child no matter what.

I have two children from a previous marriage that are my life. The new one coming I would treat no differently.

I just hope that if this relationship ends up in the gutter, she and I can work together as best we can and raise the child equally.

I didn't think it was irresponsible, Caprica, unless every foolish thing anyone has done while in love can be called irresponsible.

I thought it was short-sighted and unwise, and I'd say the same thing about someone buying a house with a partner they'd only been seeing for eight months.

I am very sorry for you.

You have mentioned the ultimatums before, and since that post, you have now mentioned a high level of jealous behaviour on her part, as well as an unwillingness/dicomfort to verbally acknowledge your partnership in conversation. This sets off a lot of my CCC alarm bells (callous, clingy, controlling).

As I only have your info here to go on, I can't truly know for sure what your relationship is like.

However, I would advise you, given what you've said, to have a look at this list and carefully reflect on whether or not it fits your relationship (keeping in mind that not all symptoms may be represented; many such relationships don't involve the physically abusive behaviour, for example). I have already seen symptoms 2 (Quick Attachment and Expression), 6 (The Sweet and Mean Cycle), 7 (Always Your Fault), 8 (Breakup Panic), 10 (Paranoid Control - specifically, her jealousy), 12 (It's Never Enough), 13 (Entitlement) and 19 (Discounted Feelings/Opinions) evidenced in your post.

P.

[Caprica]

Why didn't she tell you that the initiation always fades in previous relationships? I don't know. Perhaps she thought this time would be different. Why did you throw caution to the wind when you sensed her frustration at having to have sex again in order to conceive? I don't know. Which one of you should I beat up first?

You can prolly beat me up first. I can take it :P

But seriously.. I can't answer any of those questions. I quess I didn't grasp the severity of the situation..

You have BOTH said "my way or the highway". You BOTH have trust issues ... yours based on a sense of betrayal ... hers based on jealousy. This relationship is on shaky grounds and it is not hard to imagine that she may not want to commit to something that she may consider doomed. In fact, she may consider all relationships doomed.

Well, to defend myself abit. My "ultimatum" to her came from me after a good while of "my way or the highway" outbursts from her.

I do NOT want to push any pressure on her or make her do things MY way.. I simply want HER to stop forcing ME to do things HER way.

You could say my ultimatum is "It's OUR mutually agreed upon way.. or the highway". Does that make sense? :)

Is this your gut instincts talking? If so, you better listen up (or I will have no choice but to beat you up first! :P )

It is indeed.. and it's screaming higher and higher..

What should you do? If she wants to be alone or prefers to be alone as opposed to dealing with all the expectations in a relationship, then I don't know if there is anything you can do. If she doesn't trust you and/or the long-term potential of the relationship, then what can you do if you are not satisfied with the current relationship either? I don't know if there is anything that could cause this relationship to go back to the way it was in the beginning. I cannot offer false hope. I cannot guarantee what will happen in the future.

What do you think you should do?

What I WANT to do is make her realize my feelings to. Make her understand that in a relationship BOTH parties are as right to an opinion and that there is no "commander".

What I THINK I should do..? Well... the easiest part would prolly be to run.

But I never run. Especially from commitment.

[Caprica]

I'd quote it, but I'm having computer problems so.... Ditto on what lucinda said. Listen to your gut. Does it tell you that she really wants to work this out, or that she doesn't? I recomend you figure this out before people start getting hurt: You, the baby, and her. Try talking to her, telling her what she does that upsets you, and maybe she can say if anything you do upsets her. Communication is how realationships survive. It sounds to me that things aren't going too well, and you can't survive as a couple like that. Maybe you need to hit the highway, or maybe you'd like to stay. From what I can tell, she's not treating you right, and in my opinion, that's going to have to change if you two want this to work. Just think long and hard about you're choice.

My gut feeling tells me, honestly, that she doesn't care how the relationship turns out.. or she's a good actor. She's threatened me several times with leaving me when I've tried to take up any of these subjects telling me she was miserable in my home.. but when I "called her bluff" and told her "Well, I don't wanna see you miserable.. I hate to see you upset.. so if you really feel it's best to move back to your appartment.. then that is the best option"... she became sort of .. silent.. and then sort of "back peddled" abit and said "Well, I may give it a few more months etc.. bla bla".

I really don't know what to tell you.. I simply WANT this to work.. but I'm not so sure.. she does. gah!

P.S. I'm glad that you're staying in your childs life. :) Best of luck to you, SASE.

Thank you :)

[Caprica]

I didn't think it was irresponsible, Caprica, unless every foolish thing anyone has done while in love can be called irresponsible.

I thought it was short-sighted and unwise, and I'd say the same thing about someone buying a house with a partner they'd only been seeing for eight months.

I actually know a few couple that has just that :P

But I know it may have been short-sighted.. but I guess it was my urge to have more children that won over.. I've been in several relationships prior to her where I've brought up the subject and all other others were complete against having more kids.. I was SO relieved that I finally found someone who also wanted more kids that I guess I left my wisdom in the closet somewhere :P

I am very sorry for you.

You have mentioned the ultimatums before, and since that post, you have now mentioned a high level of jealous behaviour on her part, as well as an unwillingness/dicomfort to verbally acknowledge your partnership in conversation. This sets off a lot of my CCC alarm bells (callous, clingy, controlling).

As I only have your info here to go on, I can't truly know for sure what your relationship is like.

However, I would advise you, given what you've said, to have a look at this list and carefully reflect on whether or not it fits your relationship (keeping in mind that not all symptoms may be represented; many such relationships don't involve the physically abusive behaviour, for example). I have already seen symptoms 2 (Quick Attachment and Expression), 6 (The Sweet and Mean Cycle), 7 (Always Your Fault), 8 (Breakup Panic), 10 (Paranoid Control - specifically, her jealousy), 12 (It's Never Enough), 13 (Entitlement) and 19 (Discounted Feelings/Opinions) evidenced in your post.

P.

Pamcakes.. I must admit: Reading this list.. frightened me. alot.

I actually don't know what to say.. Out of the 20 signs.. I can actually say, with confidence.. that at least 10-15 of the fits the bill..

I ... think I'm gonna have to ponder this carefully. I've also spoken to a mate of mine.. and he urged me to, secretly, contact a lawyer.

From what you wrote and that list tells .. there is absolutely zero doubt she fits the description of a "controller".

It's strange.. I came to this forum worrying about her possible asexuality... suddenly that bit doesn't concern me as much anymore..

I really like to thank ALL of you for the awesome help you've given me. What an awesome place this is!

I hope to speak more to all of you much more! :)

PS: If anyone thinks my english is a bit.. off.. that's simply because it's not my native language.

[Pamcakes]

I'm really sorry, Caprica.

I'm glad if I could help you make a difficult but necessary realisation, though.

*text hugs*, if you want them

P.

[Sally]

I ... think I'm gonna have to ponder this carefully. I've also spoken to a mate of mine.. and he urged me to, secretly, contact a lawyer.

Consulting a lawyer is a good idea. I certainly hope this doesn't happen, but unless you establish your parentage of the child (after its born), you will not have any legal rights as its father. That would have to be done with a DNA test; other tests can only establish whether you could or could not be the father, not whether you are. If you don't stay together and she does want to share financial support, then she will have to cooperate with the DNA testing. Otherwise, if she does not, you will not have any rights. (I know this doesn't sound fair, but the woman bears the child so there's no dispute as to who's the mother; there is with a father).

I don't mean to scare you with the above, but it is something to think about, since she doesn't sound terribly willing to be cooperative.

You sound like you are, and will be, a good father. Good luck.

[Caprica]

I'm really sorry, Caprica.

I'm glad if I could help you make a difficult but necessary realisation, though.

*text hugs*, if you want them

P.

Thank you Pam.

It is, undoubtedly, be one of (if not THE) most difficult one I've made...

[Caprica]

Consulting a lawyer is a good idea. I certainly hope this doesn't happen, but unless you establish your parentage of the child (after its born), you will not have any legal rights as its father. That would have to be done with a DNA test; other tests can only establish whether you could or could not be the father, not whether you are. If you don't stay together and she does want to share financial support, then she will have to cooperate with the DNA testing. Otherwise, if she does not, you will not have any rights. (I know this doesn't sound fair, but the woman bears the child so there's no dispute as to who's the mother; there is with a father).

Well, I'm quite sure she'd want paternal contribution from me so then she'd have to have me sign the papers etc.

I'm just scared of what wild stories she could cook up to somehow relieve me of any visitation rights.

I don't mean to scare you with the above, but it is something to think about, since she doesn't sound terribly willing to be cooperative.

No worries. I've had the same thoughts myself.

You sound like you are, and will be, a good father. Good luck.

Thank you Sally :)

[Not-You]

Consulting a lawyer is a good idea. I certainly hope this doesn't happen, but unless you establish your parentage of the child (after its born), you will not have any legal rights as its father. That would have to be done with a DNA test; other tests can only establish whether you could or could not be the father, not whether you are. If you don't stay together and she does want to share financial support, then she will have to cooperate with the DNA testing. Otherwise, if she does not, you will not have any rights. (I know this doesn't sound fair, but the woman bears the child so there's no dispute as to who's the mother; there is with a father).

Well, I'm quite sure she'd want paternal contribution from me so then she'd have to have me sign the papers etc.

I'm just scared of what wild stories she could cook up to somehow relieve me of any visitation rights.

Too bad you're not in Colorado. I'd represent you if it came to that. If she tries to deny you any rights, there will need to be some sort of judicial hearing. She'll need proof that you shouldn't have your rights. She won't have that proof (assuming you're a decent guy, which it sounds like).

[Pamcakes]

I'm really sorry, Caprica.

I'm glad if I could help you make a difficult but necessary realisation, though.

*text hugs*, if you want them

P.

Thank you Pam.

It is, undoubtedly, be one of (if not THE) most difficult one I've made...

I'm going through some heavy stuff of my own, atm, but I always have an ear/shoulder to spare for someone who needs it.

PM me if you feel the need to vent; I can't guarrantee an immediate response, due to timezone differences, but I will get back to you as soon as I see the message.

P.

[Sally]

Too bad you're not in Colorado. I'd represent you if it came to that. If she tries to deny you any rights, there will need to be some sort of judicial hearing. She'll need proof that you shouldn't have your rights. She won't have that proof (assuming you're a decent guy, which it sounds like).

The father needs biological proof that he is the father. That's what guarantees him his legal rights in a hearing, if the mother does not want to cooperate and name him on the birth certificate.

[Not-You]

Too bad you're not in Colorado. I'd represent you if it came to that. If she tries to deny you any rights, there will need to be some sort of judicial hearing. She'll need proof that you shouldn't have your rights. She won't have that proof (assuming you're a decent guy, which it sounds like).

The father needs biological proof that he is the father. That's what guarantees him his legal rights in a hearing, if the mother does not want to cooperate and name him on the birth certificate.

Right, if she doesn't name him on the BC. But, OP said that he was "quite sure" that she'd want "parental contribution" from him and that she is going to have him named on the BC (unless I'm reading his post wrong--entirely possible). He then said that he was worried she would then make up stories so he couldn't get "visitation" while he still has to pay child support.

In Colorado, anyway, if she names him on the BC and he consents to it, he automatically gets parental rights. Unless and until the Court takes them away. And she'll need some kind of proof (of something: he's not the dad, he's abusive, he's an addict, etc) to do that.

[Sally]

If she names him, it would be good for him to ask an attorney what court form he needs to sign and file to attest that he admits to being the father. If she doesn't/won't name him, definitely get legal advice on how to get a court order to force a DNA test.

Hopefully, there will be agreement between them and that won't be necessary.

[Not-You]

If she names him, it would be good for him to ask an attorney what court form he needs to sign and file to attest that he admits to being the father. If she doesn't/won't name him, definitely get legal advice on how to get a court order to force a DNA test.

Hopefully, there will be agreement between them and that won't be necessary.

Absolutely. In Colorado, if the child is born at an "institution," the person in charge of record keeping must, by law, offer the necessary forms to allow unmarried women designate who the father is. Dunno about OP's state.

[Caprica]

Too bad you're not in Colorado. I'd represent you if it came to that. If she tries to deny you any rights, there will need to be some sort of judicial hearing. She'll need proof that you shouldn't have your rights. She won't have that proof (assuming you're a decent guy, which it sounds like).

One never know what she'll be able to cook up. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"...

[Caprica]

I'm going through some heavy stuff of my own, atm, but I always have an ear/shoulder to spare for someone who needs it.

PM me if you feel the need to vent; I can't guarrantee an immediate response, due to timezone differences, but I will get back to you as soon as I see the message.

P.

Thank you Pam :)

New stuff has appeared on the horizon now and I've talked quite abit with her. Things I actually rather prefer to talk to someone in private and since you're also one going through rough stuff I might just pick up on that offer :)

Sorry for the delayed response. Been mega busy this past week.

[BlackRose]

Hope things are going ok for you. As others have said, this sounds like an unhealthy and abusive relationship. In a good relationship, whether or not one of the people is asexual, partners care about each other's needs and listen to what the other person wants. I would try to leave as soon as possible.

I would also encourage you to talk to a lawyer. Also, have you talked about abortion with her, or looked into abortion pills? There is a medication that causes abortion early in a pregnancy. I know you said you wanted kids, but it may be easier on your sanity to abort this one and have kids with someone who cares about you and listens to you. If it were me, I would try to figure out how to get her to have an abortion so you're not tied to someone crazy and abusive, who has an incentive to lie about you and cause trouble because of visitation or child support.

Another thing to consider: are you sure that the baby is actually yours? Given the way she's acted, she may well have had an affair.

[Caprica]

Hope things are going ok for you. As others have said, this sounds like an unhealthy and abusive relationship. In a good relationship, whether or not one of the people is asexual, partners care about each other's needs and listen to what the other person wants. I would try to leave as soon as possible.

This is what has troubled me as well... and something I must confront her with.

I would also encourage you to talk to a lawyer. Also, have you talked about abortion with her, or looked into abortion pills? There is a medication that causes abortion early in a pregnancy. I know you said you wanted kids, but it may be easier on your sanity to abort this one and have kids with someone who cares about you and listens to you. If it were me, I would try to figure out how to get her to have an abortion so you're not tied to someone crazy and abusive, who has an incentive to lie about you and cause trouble because of visitation or child support.

Well, considering we're well passed the 3 months period now an abortion would be wrong, both legally and morally.

I'm against abortion to in any form.

Another thing to consider: are you sure that the baby is actually yours? Given the way she's acted, she may well have had an affair.

Hm... that's something I've not considered... I guess it's because of how she's spoken about hating unfaithfullness...